我写的作文，敬请批评指正！

老杨 · 发表于 2004-10-14 22:08

A Gift from My Father

In the past thirty years, I received many gifts. Some of them are expensive, some of them are cheap. Some of them are useful and some of them are useless. Some of them make me remember the persons who gave me the gifts and I have already forgot who gave me some of them. The gift that my father gave me is the best one. I will remember that gift for all of my life.

Thirty years ago, I was in school. My family was so poor that my parents couldn’t give me a pencil box. During that year, all Chinese were poor. Many of my classmates didn’t have pencil boxes either.

My father said, “My son, don’t worry about that. Only study hard!” I studied hard and I got number one in my class. One day, my father came back late and we didn’t know where was he because we didn’t have a telephone. About two hours later he came back. He smiled at me and gave me a pencil box. It’s a new pencil box. My mother said, “It’s too expensive! Why did you buy this pencil box?” My father said, “It’s a gift for my son. He is a good student. It’s a prize for him. I hope he will remember this prize and keep on studying hard.”

My father was right. I liked the pencil box. When I used the pencil box, it was as if I heard my father’s voice. After some years, Chinese people became rich. Every student had a pencil box, some of them had many pencil boxes.

I received many expensive gifts, some of them were over $1,000. The pencil box was less than $1, but in my heart it was very expensive. I will always remember my father’s gift and his words. I studied hard; I worked hard because I know hard work will give me a gift.

平常 · 发表于 2004-10-14 22:16

说实话，老杨，立意不错，语法上问题不大（...and we didn't know where was he...应该为...and we didn't know where was he...），可是怎么看都是小学生作文里的句子。给我的感觉是，离开了自己的母语就不知该如何表达了。

小山东 · 发表于 2004-10-14 22:27

说实话老羊，你让我信心大增。
赶明我就去申请UA的博士。:D:D:D

啦啦啦 · 发表于 2004-10-15 07:35

文章是没什么问题的
不过如果是托付作文就有点简单了
要多用写however, obviously,之类的词
还有就是象中国人写的
知道你要表达的意思
但是欠点火候

竹帘儿 · 发表于 2004-10-15 10:46

写得很好，鼓掌！

xry · 发表于 2004-10-15 11:45

Here, I could not give any mark fo your wirting, because my english is not better than you. I deeply moved by your experience, that makes me remembering the hard time in our lives. It is just saying, people should remeber thire past. Maybe, nowdays, yough guys can not understand, but 10 to 20 years later, they can find answer.

connie · 发表于 2004-10-15 18:04

! t* s7 Z* W4 p2 m' \/ u& Y
1. If you keep repeating  "some", it makes your story less interesting. For example, you could say the following:"Some of them are expensive, others are cheap, useful or useless."(相信我，这种表达方式绝对正宗，而且完全表达了你的意思)
* b' {" |2 o/ i- W2.  I will remember that gift all my life.
) A: s+ @- u; X! O9 F3.  ....I became the top student in my class.3 Y4 u1 L5 `! V0 h7 K* ~8 W( g& Q
4.  ....where he was.......而不是 where was he 相信这一点是你的笔误- W) a. X# B+ @3 m: ~
5.  About two hours later he came back, smiled at me and gave me a pencil box, it was a new pencil box.9 c1 S! S8 h, W+ y! t4 m
6. My father replied.......! q* j& {$ m, K& _# Z
7. "It's a gift for our son, he is a good student and this prize is for him.1 I0 {+ }0 f; ?% ^5 x; f: b
8.  My father was right, I liked that pencil box. When I used it......$ D3 x9 c- H, N6 Z: A% {
9.  "Some years later" is better than "After some years"" c2 @9 r; ]& d3 R( [
10. 最后一段开头 Later on I received ......some of them were worth over.....; l0 J: _! U/ K# o9 A5 G, T
11. 最后是概括性的，而且是表明以后将持续地认真对待一切，所以应该说： I will study and work hard because I know that I will be rewarded.
/ I& f1 ?7 h9 V7 v

[ Last edited by connie on 2004-10-15 at 07:10 PM ]

connie · 发表于 2004-10-15 18:18

总结一下，表面上有一些标点问题和词语的重复使用，但是归于一点就是语义的承前启后性问题。
0 e* a$ ?7 b) O2 v L# @0 d! m*另外一点很重要的是，中国式的写作方式有时要摒弃一些，如我们所喜欢的排比方式就不能生硬地套用在英语写作中

平常 · 发表于 2004-10-15 18:49

connie是高手。

雲吞 · 发表于 2004-10-15 18:54

向康妮版主学习！向康妮版主致敬！

雲吞 · 发表于 2004-10-15 19:13

俺也来发表一点见解：

1. 康妮版主的修正案中，诸如“My father was right, I liked that pencil box.”之类的句子，在中间或者用句号，或者加连词，否则不够恰当；

2. 老杨的原文第一段中，用了两个词我觉得不够恰当，第一个是“cheap”，第二个是“useless”。如果真的用这两个词来形容别人送的礼物，恐怕伤感情。建议用“modest”和“Some of them are not”来代替，不知别的高人还有什么更好的词汇；

3. Some of them reminded me the people who ......; forget - forgot - forgotten

4. During those years, all Chinese were poor ......

5. 最后一段，the pencil box was worth no more than $1; in my heart it was invaluable.

看得出来，虽然老杨写的文章变化少，重复多，但老杨已经注意克服了很多大家常犯的错误。随着词汇的丰富，老杨写作的提高只是时间问题。

connie · 发表于 2004-10-15 20:43

馄饨说得很对，那几个问题我也想到了，但是没有写下关于词语的斟酌，只是从构架上，整体上修改了一下。
有些地方我还是用的老杨的原文，只是纠正了一下时态，以及必要的标点修改。

馄饨补充得好！！！！！！！！！！！！！！！

老杨 · 发表于 2004-10-15 22:18

看来我抛出的这块砖头确实引来了不少玉啊！谢谢大家！

啦啦啦 · 发表于 2004-10-15 22:19

馄饨，康妮
哈哈

老杨 · 发表于 2004-10-15 22:21

其实这篇作文已经被老师修改过了，原文存在大量的语法错误。

下次再写作文，我直接把原文贴出来，可不要说我水平下降了！呵呵！

OliveOil · 发表于 2004-10-16 20:05

老杨，It is easier this way than to spot out necessary imporvements here and there so take a look if you are interested:

A Gift from My Father

Through the past thirty years, I have received many gifts, some expensive, some cheap, some useful and some useless. With some of them I can still remember the people who gave me the gift, while with others I can not remember where they came from. However, one gift, from my father, will always be held as one of my most precious and most unforgettable in my life.

When I went to elementary school thirty years ago, I wanted a pencil box. My family, like many in China at that time, was so poor that they couldn’t afford a lot of my school supplies.

I still remember my father told me: “Son, don’t worry too much about a pencil box. Just study hard!” So I did my best. My hard work paid off and I soon became fist in my class.

One day we became worried when my father had not returned on time. We didn’t know where he was, and could not call, because we didn’t have a telephone. Finally, he came back home, about two hours later than usual. As he stepped in, I saw a smile on his face and, a new pencil box in his hand! My mother was a little upset: “It is too expensive! Why did you buy it?” My father still smiled: “It’s a gift for our son. He is a good student. He deserves a reward. I hope he will remember this prize and keep on studying hard.”

My father was right. I loved the pencil box. Whenever I used it, I could almost feel my father’s proud and encouraging voice.

Many years passed and Chinese people became wealthier and wealthier. Every child soon had a pencil box, many of them several, but I always wonder if they appreciate what they have got so easily. I have received many gifts, some over $1,000. However, my pencil box, worth less than $1, in my heart was priceless. I will always remember my father’s gift—the pencil box, and along with it, his love, trust and encouragement. I studied hard and I worked hard! To this day, I continue to work hard and try to make him proud. I believe hard work will pay off.

connie · 发表于 2004-10-16 20:29

老杨 · 发表于 2004-10-17 17:29

Originally posted by OliveOil at 2004-10-16 09:05 PM:
0 ]0 E, M4 z' B7 i: j/ ]8 Z% J老杨，It is easier this way than to spot out necessary imporvements here and there so take a look if you are interested:
, ~8 i9 l6 ~6 p% @2 T* j! M3 k4 z% o E Q5 Y6 @# D
A Gift from My Father + V$ z1 u6 }0 M' F

6 [: p6 R; D' F5 @8 U- ~Through the past thirty years, I have received ...

多谢，老大！我要是能写成这个水平，我就可以再加一些内容在里面，保证让看过文章的人泣不成声！

OliveOil · 发表于 2004-10-17 17:47

那你就努力让我哭上一鼻子吧，感动一回也不错！

老杨 · 发表于 2004-10-17 18:41

Originally posted by OliveOil at 2004-10-17 06:47 PM:
7 R8 o5 U. w' U/ \% [( Z9 m那你就努力让我哭上一鼻子吧，感动一回也不错！

原来您也会写中文啊，我还以为您只会英文呢。

OliveOil · 发表于 2004-10-18 18:38

Originally posted by 老杨 at 2004-10-17 07:41 PM:: N4 ]/ ^0 y3 @7 n9 u
原来您也会写中文啊，我还以为您只会英文呢。

我倒会打汉语，可我的大多数电脑不会。

mercurybird · 发表于 2004-10-20 12:00

well,connie,you are A-list.I am sure that this saloon will be A-list.

小叶子 · 发表于 2004-10-20 15:38

erine · 发表于 2004-10-24 18:07

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