Modern Definitions

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The Washington Post publishes a yearly contest in which readers are asked to invent alternate meanings for various words.
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6 c- p' X% K% y5 {: X+ C4 ^; mThe following were some of this year’s winning entries:
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: V) c% A4 _: ^+ P; u' @& [1. Coffee (n.), a person who is coughed upon.

4 I- F  A- {0 u; l2. Flabbergasted (adj.), appalled over how much weight you have .
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; {; U' ]0 o  n9 x3. Abdicate (v.), to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.
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& P* m4 h/ v# N  E5 h; {4. Esplanade (v.), to attempt an explanation while drunk.

5. Willy-nilly (adj.), impotent

6. Negligent (adj.), describes a condition in which you absentmindedly answer the door in your nightie.
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7. Lymph (v.), to walk with a lisp.
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8. Gargoyle (n.), an olive-flavoured mouthwash.

9. Flatulence (n.) the emergency vehicle that picks you up after you are run over by a steamroller.
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' D8 U) |6 O* a6 a, ]- `10. Balderdash (n.), a rapidly receding hairline.
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11. Testicle (n.), a humorous question on an exam.

12. Rectitude (n.), the formal, dignified demeanour assumed by a proctologist immediately before he examines you.
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; d" k- E- Z5 x/ b+ V5 z+ A# @13. Oyster (n.), a person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddish expressions.
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' i8 ^; T- p% r14. Circumvent (n.), the opening in the front of boxer shorts.
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' z; I, b* k7 \1 z15. Frisbeetarianism (n.), The belief that, when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck there.
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( n0 e9 F8 \4 \0 ^( o) x16. Pokemon (n.), A Jamaican proctologist.