Modern Definitions

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The Washington Post publishes a yearly contest in which readers are asked to invent alternate meanings for various words.

The following were some of this year’s winning entries:
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1. Coffee (n.), a person who is coughed upon.

2. Flabbergasted (adj.), appalled over how much weight you have .

3. Abdicate (v.), to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.

4. Esplanade (v.), to attempt an explanation while drunk.

, [9 y7 q. f; p6 ]5. Willy-nilly (adj.), impotent

# T# R1 p/ O, x6 ?9 P6 q* e6. Negligent (adj.), describes a condition in which you absentmindedly answer the door in your nightie.
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7. Lymph (v.), to walk with a lisp.
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: \  A: f: c) g* N% ?5 N9 t# X! @8. Gargoyle (n.), an olive-flavoured mouthwash.
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9. Flatulence (n.) the emergency vehicle that picks you up after you are run over by a steamroller.

10. Balderdash (n.), a rapidly receding hairline.
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4 g' \0 G* V, Z9 t3 P11. Testicle (n.), a humorous question on an exam.
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12. Rectitude (n.), the formal, dignified demeanour assumed by a proctologist immediately before he examines you.
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3 U' `, y2 K* h) V13. Oyster (n.), a person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddish expressions.

14. Circumvent (n.), the opening in the front of boxer shorts.

: _  X1 Y3 b9 R, P15. Frisbeetarianism (n.), The belief that, when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck there.

16. Pokemon (n.), A Jamaican proctologist.