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我今天刚写的英文诗, 高手给提提意见

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鲜花(0) 鸡蛋(0)
发表于 2008-12-21 12:21 | 显示全部楼层 |阅读模式
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
Falling in love* p3 G) w! p1 S. V8 B, D
# @5 ]: \/ c4 w& I7 \9 ^% _
I fell in love with you   F) i# ]! j6 g0 s* F: f
At the first week we met
" a. z) F7 L1 b6 `$ O, S1 q5 o8 S3 y$ v
You have charm, you have looks  r. ?4 T" V# \5 }, l
with full of pimples in face
, ~. h: \0 V6 `: vAs spotting sky at a summer night0 X7 a1 s. a- }
They are shining stars& z8 I; C, u5 b# J, x

9 N( C% ^6 ~% qYour lip is so big. ]4 o6 P4 A; k3 n
And that’s good for a kiss+ H5 A- `& j% s, A2 [& Q6 o) ^
Your body is chubby0 e. l2 h& b5 w) m" M
And that is good for sex8 @& @# f2 q8 M- n7 O/ R

' y+ P4 o- U5 B! Y1 Q' KI was deeply in love
" a( d% N# o! `+ @4 Y- UEverything from you is positive
5 ?+ S( N. o* wYou blame me everything and everyday" y2 {) x. q! z7 s
And I think all girls sound like
7 M7 ~# s3 J. W( Z( t' ~
) z! q) r! s5 f; q8 EYou could not stand my eating9 u% ], z+ z" i5 p( l; Q6 r& _
Saying no good for making funny sound' a6 z( I6 o1 R  W! Q/ C- K% L7 E! I
I think you are perfectly right7 D% }/ A4 o. |$ @& V
Eating with sound is a pig) v6 \+ a9 P( q" ]8 d
) c2 Q  R+ n) i. b% ]
I fell in love with you ; ^+ e; p3 H) K: h3 h
Become a fool to think' `( n' @6 X/ |7 z' l$ D, J# \
All trouble things you did5 e. u- j( l) q  V  h* X
And that is the price for love
3 x# v1 ^# l* z
% o( \4 i* F3 D( t8 m5 c4 v+ xyou are deeply in love
  q; Y$ r, W' `" n- {; E2 WEverything from me is negative
; Q! J* x8 F. b- b5 @6 g"My man should be like this,
2 ?/ Y# O8 _; Land I am helping you to improve'
+ _+ H5 r# _7 J6 K* P9 j2 S; d
7 T1 D% S3 }0 Y5 Q, ~( VYou are loving me - k+ |/ b; j. q- O, K( O
or that one in your mind?
: z- n0 n' r" \My mind is like a mud" g3 _$ \4 G2 H% D  `) K
can be shaped whatever you want
2 G7 t% [! N* M/ L8 S& K8 e) K: X. X9 g0 f9 q: [
unfortunalety not my heart
+ ~+ O5 u- N5 s6 u# MIt is slashed by you
6 U& B, a6 l3 Hand I am seriously hurt
+ [! |5 r  ~; ^( }; I8 H; i/ x* k6 |8 w' }1 {
I will never love another ) H4 D4 K. v$ I" Z/ |4 i0 I& J+ a
If my heart can be fixed
鲜花(657) 鸡蛋(3)
发表于 2008-12-21 19:53 | 显示全部楼层
my english is so poor, can't understand your meaning.
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发表于 2008-12-21 19:57 | 显示全部楼层
这个,能不能叫情人眼里出西施,连小痘痘都升级作STAR了=。=
鲜花(40) 鸡蛋(1)
发表于 2008-12-21 20:46 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队 追求完美
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 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-22 17:44 | 显示全部楼层
原帖由 冰山上的来客 于 2008-12-21 19:53 发表 6 x" E; Y+ S( p# t! t
my english is so poor, can't understand your meaning.
  d% [& w" [& S2 W. Y! I# F1 Q
* k7 M1 v3 e7 o: [# l
咱可是请高手指点, 你都不明白, 我看就算了吧
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发表于 2008-12-22 18:06 | 显示全部楼层
配上卡萨布兰卡的旋律就可以唱了,呵呵
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 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-22 21:34 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
楼上, 卡萨布兰卡的歌好听吗?
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发表于 2008-12-23 19:24 | 显示全部楼层

楼主的诗很雷人

强!强!强!SEX!SEX!SEX!
7 W, u4 G3 {9 t; V不过像我这种对中文诗都没有什么研究的人,对贵作就更不敢胡言乱语啦!顶一下。
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发表于 2008-12-24 07:04 | 显示全部楼层
sweeite,
( ^. C0 U* e, A0 d+ j4 Xi am sorry to say that ur poem sucks.
7 J1 J2 z% K# ^9 QAnd this is something I change. Whatever left r too sucky to be changed" t) w; z  a1 V  B/ i

1 s1 |2 v2 I' Dwith the charm,
" ~1 h: R/ o" |5 g! W; x( d' `with the simles.
% n: y/ B4 u  f! a+ x  vI fell in love with you
0 v. p& p; z( W3 @2 l: D* @: T' TIn the first sign.
6 _# k! b# d: N. E$ V: B; `2 mAs spotting sky at a summer * e$ D$ ]$ n( i& ]- d

' g- i+ H! Y  Z# S' PYour lip is so soft & ?$ j. S* }% e& \9 M
there is not honey can sweeter than ur kiss" V8 g& S! C9 y! G0 P% R& x
Your body is so sexy
; ]* |  \" P: C) q! IAnd I cannt image the moment I  touch u.6 O7 j; O1 ]4 n7 a
% Z4 U7 p# w8 D0 y
I am deeply in love) U- X2 N) @' i# e1 [
Everything from you is so charming
1 t/ D, M' i3 ?) jalthough You r so picky for me
8 A/ o: y  T1 ?  y- F& j  MAnd I take them as ur buttefly feelings.
鲜花(0) 鸡蛋(0)
发表于 2008-12-24 07:16 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
THis is the poem in SNTC S2 and it is not a good one 2.+ D6 V. ]( {8 v; P% t
But u can copy the way how she ranges the poem
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0 `' M0 z) H. t6 ^0 q* m4 YHis hello is the end of her endings
6 `7 F. O! i8 BHer laugh is their first step down  the aisle
% N' v! k. _1 w6 j$ w) p) dHis hand would be hers to hold forever
9 `* g6 O( A/ CHis forever is simply as her smile
% {" L4 V9 W# ?( W- U: J) ?He said she was what was missing; @- O3 p! S( E) _# U. |
She said instantly she knew# t+ e1 Z6 Q& _4 T  H/ a# s
She was a question to be answered) _, V; ~8 [0 }, ^) D! j9 k
And his answer is
# `5 |& R2 T/ C) q/ p9 l0 _2 |I do
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 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-24 14:37 | 显示全部楼层
Rain bow, you are so right. You improved it , and now it is much better. Seems you also like poems. that is good and wish to keep in touch with each other. Merry Xmas
1 g! k6 D" c$ c: B/ I' @3 I& b- O. {( p1 a
Below is my new one, any comment?
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 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-24 14:38 | 显示全部楼层
It’s amazing how I felt
7 D* k* s6 i" P& l3 Z8 L! f! ^  p1 T" h( k; N' i
It's amazing how I felt + |. H; V2 j6 o* W; @2 m2 j
when I was with you" J: i/ Q2 P5 [) N' c
My heart beat so fast
) m; x; v# ^0 k6 @" l, SI looked at you and thought3 ^" m5 P+ n* b
Holy Jesus, you were so cute! J2 U6 I% s+ Q1 A. H' |0 C# L6 H
. |- Y2 e0 ^9 \) [4 Z5 c
You left me without a word9 O7 H6 P) j# x1 h/ u4 u
I have nothing except my emptiness* ^* ]( D0 R2 h- {* c
My mood is like a cloud
7 T8 n0 \5 h) M% Z5 o8 UHow could it be dispersed?
0 G) I" J7 \1 r1 R# M8 Q' o& o7 }: t- A( x- o$ _5 u( N! {# P
Feelings bite my heart ( q2 E, ]* A; Q& Y2 k
You are the right one I wait
8 D% G6 f/ N4 l" l. CIn the depth of my soul* Y9 `7 t3 p! w. {' S2 @( |
I will love you till I'm dead
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发表于 2008-12-24 15:24 | 显示全部楼层
同言同羽 置业良晨
闻一多怎么说来着,诗歌有音乐美,建筑美,绘画美2 q0 v) S- R" Z& Y) b) r8 G
你的就是白花文,而且很多英文的用法根本不地道( I, i7 M- Y1 r6 G0 Q
就和用中文写一次
0 V1 I* ^2 Z2 L; e, f8 U" D# Y' J阿,我爱你$ x4 h: _4 t4 ^* v9 u" i  I
你让我心跳好快
2 a; O% N6 T- c* V6 d你让我脸发热
0 }5 B9 z# ~* n" n我爱上你的大嘴唇- i; A4 |1 ]8 X; U& Z" N2 S) U. `
XXXXX# G3 H, O% A: Q! B% d' L
不知道你能不能受得了这样的中文呢?3 R$ p) h( }7 y: A7 `  t
1 p2 J/ I: v$ E" o; E
如果你写得如此白话文的话,不如向你喜欢的女子写封LOVE LETTER
" e2 q" \. B& B( J至于,你最缺乏的意境,强烈要求你参考我给你贴的诗歌, 看看别人怎么用最白话的文字,写出有绘画美,建筑美和音乐美的东西
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发表于 2008-12-24 15:31 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
楼主的湿,绝对要赞一个,那叫做雷死人不要钱!强就一个字!!!!
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 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-24 16:03 | 显示全部楼层
原帖由 therainbow 于 2008-12-24 15:24 发表 ; y+ l& p6 c* u( v0 b  p/ _
闻一多怎么说来着,诗歌有音乐美,建筑美,绘画美: ^2 ^- `: z) F9 O) a
你的就是白花文,而且很多英文的用法根本不地道
4 N: S5 d( ?, d/ ]就和用中文写一次
0 ]* U  R+ P5 r& q- w阿,我爱你& x/ e3 g; L+ m1 c. e" d
你让我心跳好快
2 f: e: h$ `) _+ k) ?! d; B% ~你让我脸发热
. ]! o; F% w- @4 f( K- n* A+ m我爱上你的大嘴唇( l" M0 r% s/ L6 z/ l0 \4 I! `3 X
XXXXX1 [' X3 g) R7 p, T# K( S% b
不知道你能不能受得了这样的 ...
2 ?: `" n  P0 ~8 l
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靠, 你要是不爱女人的厚嘴唇和性感的身体的话, 难道你会爱女人的脚趾头和胳胳窝不成?
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发表于 2008-12-25 00:13 | 显示全部楼层
恩,我无语了
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发表于 2008-12-25 07:37 | 显示全部楼层
同言同羽 置业良晨
这也叫诗,勇气大大的.
鲜花(1115) 鸡蛋(0)
发表于 2008-12-25 12:22 | 显示全部楼层
Match the following Song! Casablanca.
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发表于 2008-12-25 16:55 | 显示全部楼层
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发表于 2008-12-31 02:08 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
码字能连句,转行也成诗。。。
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