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我今天刚写的英文诗, 高手给提提意见

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发表于 2008-12-21 12:21 | 显示全部楼层 |阅读模式
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
Falling in love
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I fell in love with you * ?5 _' E/ ?( f  }+ E2 Y
At the first week we met
/ W& r+ r+ z' T1 s# v1 A: W% G+ C8 L! S1 k  w8 E
You have charm, you have looks
$ L. T1 J* s( P; h! N( F6 T% Xwith full of pimples in face! c. N% ]0 `' ^! I
As spotting sky at a summer night
# T/ j7 z. W* v; ?8 KThey are shining stars- v! N: c) @+ Q, i$ L. l& U0 K

/ g# U% `! H5 p% KYour lip is so big
& W, y- a7 b; zAnd that’s good for a kiss' c: L6 i# U( d0 j2 Z0 x
Your body is chubby; K6 A% `# E- A+ O3 `+ P; V7 D
And that is good for sex' I- h% g; @0 ]4 U4 H
2 N8 z" L. A* w/ y
I was deeply in love* l6 W1 j- e( q! L5 }; A2 u, J& X
Everything from you is positive
/ K, `0 \/ V7 zYou blame me everything and everyday
# b3 x, F# u* k( o, GAnd I think all girls sound like
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7 [: A+ W  ]3 s7 VYou could not stand my eating
- x8 E3 H  J5 ?" _' @# X! u5 jSaying no good for making funny sound
: V" [. b  J: H! U, G* EI think you are perfectly right% O0 \5 @+ z* N3 a( x
Eating with sound is a pig
7 ^0 L( @* G; @& l2 a9 L
9 W) c- o/ T7 c& HI fell in love with you
( ]3 c8 V- ~, ^7 U+ \: p6 O3 C; PBecome a fool to think
7 }+ I- I1 _* @$ l$ \7 `All trouble things you did
( O( ]. M0 X1 z+ a% T0 PAnd that is the price for love9 u& u5 x$ ?( v  G( e

; E5 X: M% T; V; j2 K  r8 _you are deeply in love+ B- _) C. \! T: W
Everything from me is negative
9 K6 K5 o3 E& V/ {5 E8 E"My man should be like this,4 m, Z4 d5 h* Z9 @2 H4 j
and I am helping you to improve'' {8 a# _6 A: C: n# U& s7 t
$ \* J  q) j: L  G" W
You are loving me
5 f/ C$ w- h! x/ O5 gor that one in your mind?  c4 T0 C  P/ Z5 N. K( Y6 T6 X9 h
My mind is like a mud% B5 X* n1 O% v( ^
can be shaped whatever you want$ w& Z. {% I7 X& r0 }
, z8 J/ U1 t6 X8 U% r; {
unfortunalety not my heart0 y2 S' q; r& l/ ^/ Q! |5 W4 N
It is slashed by you
. q4 X( g+ V6 s/ w) P1 l: i) cand I am seriously hurt8 U: _6 `. o' h0 G; e$ g5 Z) d4 m
- n' h4 a# B. t8 Q6 B
I will never love another
6 w, C* m' s0 K$ ?: H9 qIf my heart can be fixed
鲜花(657) 鸡蛋(3)
发表于 2008-12-21 19:53 | 显示全部楼层
my english is so poor, can't understand your meaning.
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发表于 2008-12-21 19:57 | 显示全部楼层
这个,能不能叫情人眼里出西施,连小痘痘都升级作STAR了=。=
鲜花(40) 鸡蛋(1)
发表于 2008-12-21 20:46 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队 追求完美
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 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-22 17:44 | 显示全部楼层
原帖由 冰山上的来客 于 2008-12-21 19:53 发表 , n& ?5 N! `1 |3 W% o
my english is so poor, can't understand your meaning.

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咱可是请高手指点, 你都不明白, 我看就算了吧
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发表于 2008-12-22 18:06 | 显示全部楼层
配上卡萨布兰卡的旋律就可以唱了,呵呵
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 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-22 21:34 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
楼上, 卡萨布兰卡的歌好听吗?
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发表于 2008-12-23 19:24 | 显示全部楼层

楼主的诗很雷人

强!强!强!SEX!SEX!SEX!
% T5 e/ K) e* `/ R4 t. U8 m不过像我这种对中文诗都没有什么研究的人,对贵作就更不敢胡言乱语啦!顶一下。
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发表于 2008-12-24 07:04 | 显示全部楼层
sweeite,
# X' [" W2 c5 V1 h& \3 [5 F. X! Yi am sorry to say that ur poem sucks.
0 d: v- e, r  qAnd this is something I change. Whatever left r too sucky to be changed9 O' ~$ j' v0 N7 r' c
  S$ k" W# B9 H* c
with the charm,
- ~4 R) {5 X8 ?, E1 {9 [6 lwith the simles.8 X4 q6 h0 [) x! J+ S$ _$ m% `: H
I fell in love with you 4 n& P$ H4 g2 l# }( Y8 K* T
In the first sign.
7 F! H4 q# E0 dAs spotting sky at a summer - T7 _+ r; V" H4 B7 R1 E
+ ~0 J1 C1 K) R/ M
Your lip is so soft " m) X7 n" N) `' Z
there is not honey can sweeter than ur kiss
- K) z5 u) b6 B+ W: C& {; ?Your body is so sexy
. D/ c2 G. N' J# Q" f5 ?4 t* y/ LAnd I cannt image the moment I  touch u.
' N$ w- c  ^, E( j2 ~1 ]% M* j( P* ?* u" ]$ N  p% C. }: b& c
I am deeply in love( {6 Z  S  [/ d1 Z; h
Everything from you is so charming$ o" ?, N5 l) P: R" s' [- H
although You r so picky for me 6 t- h  K6 j; c% H  ^! z
And I take them as ur buttefly feelings.
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发表于 2008-12-24 07:16 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
THis is the poem in SNTC S2 and it is not a good one 2.
6 M& \7 L0 i# ^9 i' zBut u can copy the way how she ranges the poem1 U! m! B9 [" z

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His hello is the end of her endings: h" V8 t+ G% g$ f' [
Her laugh is their first step down  the aisle0 T0 N4 p/ l1 ]& \3 _) W- f
His hand would be hers to hold forever
% K: a& s- I3 V9 fHis forever is simply as her smile
# ]: O+ [, a6 U) @He said she was what was missing
! n' @6 m3 z, {3 ^8 C' cShe said instantly she knew8 v; k; |. j* f
She was a question to be answered9 n+ Q" ?  N0 f/ T2 F
And his answer is
+ _$ z. ^) b& E. K1 L/ h+ TI do
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 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-24 14:37 | 显示全部楼层
Rain bow, you are so right. You improved it , and now it is much better. Seems you also like poems. that is good and wish to keep in touch with each other. Merry Xmas! c* T. I( \% h7 A: d, H$ h: Q

# v7 w7 n% G) \/ A6 LBelow is my new one, any comment?
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 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-24 14:38 | 显示全部楼层
It’s amazing how I felt) S, y* o, d5 b' L8 P

4 ]) f( a" I9 X; Y5 xIt's amazing how I felt - }: ~! {2 t$ z# T2 d/ R% M
when I was with you7 Z$ }$ x. `: h" r
My heart beat so fast
1 s  J  x; C8 NI looked at you and thought
& H# `5 \) c6 g3 [. gHoly Jesus, you were so cute
$ o$ r2 c& h) i! D5 x5 `/ Z. [! h& Y
You left me without a word6 H  Y( h3 A3 T8 S( A, ~
I have nothing except my emptiness0 F: P2 J% D" f3 N; N4 B) C
My mood is like a cloud
8 Z$ @& R: y' v" A% xHow could it be dispersed?
) K# h: d/ g, W) |7 ^
2 g+ T# i& F3 e$ hFeelings bite my heart 1 |3 r6 g. }. g. R8 Z
You are the right one I wait
5 }& {' N2 }2 k. f7 hIn the depth of my soul
/ D  Y( j& O0 y' Q# _+ L2 u3 tI will love you till I'm dead
理袁律师事务所
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发表于 2008-12-24 15:24 | 显示全部楼层
同言同羽 置业良晨
闻一多怎么说来着,诗歌有音乐美,建筑美,绘画美
9 B: L; D1 Y- K2 W3 z) ]/ ?你的就是白花文,而且很多英文的用法根本不地道
3 M% Y$ l9 Q) Q8 V9 j' |就和用中文写一次( H% p" z9 p+ \5 L
阿,我爱你
3 b: c( s% U- G) o4 k  B你让我心跳好快
5 ~& j  t/ N! ]: a. V8 q. C+ a) _你让我脸发热  n. X2 a4 W3 E& k
我爱上你的大嘴唇+ k+ Y. ^% {8 @( i/ t* l
XXXXX; O$ W0 j* g6 }' n
不知道你能不能受得了这样的中文呢?
8 N2 J; |1 d2 l) w% m; P/ o9 r+ f+ p( x6 p
如果你写得如此白话文的话,不如向你喜欢的女子写封LOVE LETTER
  u4 i+ P" p! [  o. X- Z* U7 s, Y至于,你最缺乏的意境,强烈要求你参考我给你贴的诗歌, 看看别人怎么用最白话的文字,写出有绘画美,建筑美和音乐美的东西
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发表于 2008-12-24 15:31 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
楼主的湿,绝对要赞一个,那叫做雷死人不要钱!强就一个字!!!!
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 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-24 16:03 | 显示全部楼层
原帖由 therainbow 于 2008-12-24 15:24 发表 * ^# V, |7 P, q. z8 n
闻一多怎么说来着,诗歌有音乐美,建筑美,绘画美
) D" q$ P- n% C: W你的就是白花文,而且很多英文的用法根本不地道
0 O0 j& X: M$ `. Z2 s" l( ]2 e就和用中文写一次' U6 i4 @( ^, G7 j% l
阿,我爱你
( K$ n9 U& R! W) r5 ?- ?% [你让我心跳好快
9 I& P0 x- F- r% i: Y2 F' K/ D你让我脸发热' l7 c3 H5 P7 g/ s) s
我爱上你的大嘴唇
0 X2 m* o( u% o+ w  G* A6 f1 BXXXXX
4 T0 F  ?+ C7 B0 r% O7 q2 l3 v不知道你能不能受得了这样的 ...

/ m* \' v7 {0 \0 ]1 S1 H( ~7 H  a: b5 d5 w
靠, 你要是不爱女人的厚嘴唇和性感的身体的话, 难道你会爱女人的脚趾头和胳胳窝不成?
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发表于 2008-12-25 00:13 | 显示全部楼层
恩,我无语了
理袁律师事务所
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发表于 2008-12-25 07:37 | 显示全部楼层
同言同羽 置业良晨
这也叫诗,勇气大大的.
鲜花(1115) 鸡蛋(0)
发表于 2008-12-25 12:22 | 显示全部楼层
Match the following Song! Casablanca.
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发表于 2008-12-25 16:55 | 显示全部楼层
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发表于 2008-12-31 02:08 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
码字能连句,转行也成诗。。。
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