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我今天刚写的英文诗, 高手给提提意见

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发表于 2008-12-21 12:21 | 显示全部楼层 |阅读模式
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
Falling in love/ f1 ]1 e* N3 X7 n: }" x, u" u

) A' J# |. W! m. R' N, @I fell in love with you
; I* w: W- G( w4 T1 w. tAt the first week we met
( x: J0 @' [. S) J+ O1 F  w  h
You have charm, you have looks5 O4 i' v$ B  k# v* Y& h/ @
with full of pimples in face
2 }$ E, \' T) A5 X6 K/ n2 E0 KAs spotting sky at a summer night
' ]8 z; a- ^/ o% ]+ Q* {. T% Z' A9 V# wThey are shining stars
( ?0 F3 \2 E7 j2 ?/ n7 C  i3 L
! M/ d5 x3 m+ m+ U9 xYour lip is so big
8 R6 T5 v* g, {" U# t' GAnd that’s good for a kiss& `, W" ]( G# }' R# J
Your body is chubby
& K# D  K3 y: r$ @; @9 GAnd that is good for sex+ |; j, b6 A3 U& R: Z( z! p
; ]5 r  Q: ?0 {  T5 e7 t  H5 G
I was deeply in love
8 c. E# x  c& H. z* ?! Z! eEverything from you is positive7 e: b2 m. `, ?  B' i$ B8 I
You blame me everything and everyday( X) @% T9 a5 d/ [1 b% P# j
And I think all girls sound like
1 h8 R9 y! \$ e
& B' t9 U9 u! B3 ^9 J% V: LYou could not stand my eating
4 T  I) x4 n6 \3 GSaying no good for making funny sound
: K/ L3 v8 a" a2 o- ~I think you are perfectly right
, z6 s( K) K- t# `- z$ JEating with sound is a pig
8 O2 S8 S' @4 C5 P. {
6 p5 j# X% f- X% M; A. {; q" eI fell in love with you
# `$ g3 R4 g: |) ?Become a fool to think1 \! S. e' W1 m, a3 U
All trouble things you did( d) n  s. S. z" [5 k3 M
And that is the price for love9 o. i: B% n4 b% A& f8 z

: J# i  X" S' n$ y3 vyou are deeply in love
7 Q* B8 u9 J, _1 w' r7 f4 o: w+ e3 `Everything from me is negative- H! }( H! p1 f, V9 S; x. G
"My man should be like this,0 i; y7 g" c# P. o
and I am helping you to improve'
+ ]/ f& |& G8 p6 i6 |. f
" H/ {) g2 |% s( \* x" OYou are loving me " q& U# \% W+ K8 f0 E1 W
or that one in your mind?
5 F+ x3 g/ W" h: S5 R! NMy mind is like a mud
6 L& r, d/ x5 f9 ~1 l. T" _( M: N0 y& e) Zcan be shaped whatever you want
. o4 [+ e5 L. @4 i: K, ?" P; x" B6 u% p, l  J
unfortunalety not my heart
; u9 Y3 q; f+ }& @6 o2 ]6 CIt is slashed by you
$ O4 z  k0 i( y4 p8 L0 G% r0 kand I am seriously hurt
& T/ N# r. C& ]9 }4 y% a4 _7 u
/ k2 T( A4 x) l5 |# mI will never love another 9 }8 |( v; D- y0 S) F& c
If my heart can be fixed
鲜花(657) 鸡蛋(3)
发表于 2008-12-21 19:53 | 显示全部楼层
my english is so poor, can't understand your meaning.
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发表于 2008-12-21 19:57 | 显示全部楼层
这个,能不能叫情人眼里出西施,连小痘痘都升级作STAR了=。=
鲜花(40) 鸡蛋(1)
发表于 2008-12-21 20:46 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队 追求完美
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 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-22 17:44 | 显示全部楼层
原帖由 冰山上的来客 于 2008-12-21 19:53 发表 - m3 Y. d, Y0 x" j
my english is so poor, can't understand your meaning.

9 ^. A& t$ _1 G
9 Z! S) |& _' ]; w8 L咱可是请高手指点, 你都不明白, 我看就算了吧
鲜花(0) 鸡蛋(0)
发表于 2008-12-22 18:06 | 显示全部楼层
配上卡萨布兰卡的旋律就可以唱了,呵呵
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 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-22 21:34 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
楼上, 卡萨布兰卡的歌好听吗?
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发表于 2008-12-23 19:24 | 显示全部楼层

楼主的诗很雷人

强!强!强!SEX!SEX!SEX!9 A  L4 h0 @6 z$ G% M
不过像我这种对中文诗都没有什么研究的人,对贵作就更不敢胡言乱语啦!顶一下。
鲜花(0) 鸡蛋(0)
发表于 2008-12-24 07:04 | 显示全部楼层
sweeite, ( d. e% J; }& X, s( N7 p5 ~+ h
i am sorry to say that ur poem sucks.! [  V/ K% ]& Y1 h
And this is something I change. Whatever left r too sucky to be changed
0 D, r' J/ ~$ a+ P# p4 ]# V- g
with the charm,
4 r! D; w  c+ Bwith the simles.! C# E. T1 i) O5 ~! r' @
I fell in love with you
# G; L. \8 g6 W) m0 w; G5 Z/ nIn the first sign.
# U5 E; [6 V, R7 ~  @As spotting sky at a summer " _' a" }! j( Q+ |# O+ q  i
1 H# V* D0 r% _+ F$ n% o
Your lip is so soft
  `# `, i8 b' s" Jthere is not honey can sweeter than ur kiss+ k) u/ m9 G' u3 Q; e
Your body is so sexy- t& S8 P7 Y: L( t1 z5 d& L
And I cannt image the moment I  touch u.2 ~& T1 E- S; ~  r' G) q
  k7 A- z- @8 t; c
I am deeply in love
9 }( J  `7 l( e6 HEverything from you is so charming' e0 A/ t' U$ }; ~
although You r so picky for me + ~- s$ |! H: ^% b  [
And I take them as ur buttefly feelings.
鲜花(0) 鸡蛋(0)
发表于 2008-12-24 07:16 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
THis is the poem in SNTC S2 and it is not a good one 2.
) v# ~6 Y+ k  b3 }, m. T5 i2 R/ QBut u can copy the way how she ranges the poem% M3 e8 j8 X! _1 ?4 R

. O( o+ P' J/ D8 Y- t
# q' C! l9 c& jHis hello is the end of her endings& S. I. i- l- C& Y
Her laugh is their first step down  the aisle  W. r& _: N7 m
His hand would be hers to hold forever! {/ F: N- H6 o+ J: q7 A6 J
His forever is simply as her smile
  z! K) t9 P. Q" S0 x" }He said she was what was missing# e1 B; e. j9 c$ n% h
She said instantly she knew
4 s5 k1 I$ x! I; e/ G3 p! z$ i( RShe was a question to be answered
2 B; u3 C& c8 m1 ]+ QAnd his answer is 9 \) N/ s; g: l: @+ f; v
I do
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 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-24 14:37 | 显示全部楼层
Rain bow, you are so right. You improved it , and now it is much better. Seems you also like poems. that is good and wish to keep in touch with each other. Merry Xmas# {' D4 G# p% f7 c% m1 ?

. C/ ~, \% J1 A" |0 eBelow is my new one, any comment?
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 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-24 14:38 | 显示全部楼层
It’s amazing how I felt9 x/ Y( |7 |7 J9 u- `( f2 a! ?

0 Y0 O; k5 i; E. n8 G& j) RIt's amazing how I felt
; M& c. L% b2 s8 Q) i# K5 lwhen I was with you4 ^9 m/ T9 r" x0 e) x
My heart beat so fast: \2 x8 L) x1 S, M+ I2 D# C6 b9 R
I looked at you and thought0 J! C) x" G0 s+ v# C
Holy Jesus, you were so cute1 a; E( y! h+ n
; M6 n/ {& ~$ H3 L% K
You left me without a word* E. E" ~; N5 z" [
I have nothing except my emptiness! H; F% a; [* Y: |1 o* c
My mood is like a cloud
" f. R$ D- n8 T4 k- }How could it be dispersed?4 [2 G/ O- h$ i8 u. [- S$ _# q

6 S/ e$ j, @, Z1 z0 d$ mFeelings bite my heart
+ J4 e1 Z1 M+ F' f6 v5 mYou are the right one I wait' X6 x7 q5 i" j
In the depth of my soul: D# q+ Z) z1 \5 t7 J
I will love you till I'm dead
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发表于 2008-12-24 15:24 | 显示全部楼层
同言同羽 置业良晨
闻一多怎么说来着,诗歌有音乐美,建筑美,绘画美, i) `: w, c6 B9 D
你的就是白花文,而且很多英文的用法根本不地道
1 U- o. K1 J' x9 _8 Q" a4 G就和用中文写一次
) v. x8 n# D- ]& o9 g阿,我爱你
3 l- l9 d$ C4 H" R8 _% [你让我心跳好快! q- C8 ?5 U+ G1 g
你让我脸发热) |/ R) g6 V8 e! S- p7 G
我爱上你的大嘴唇9 e) I3 p; H2 k- D1 U1 u
XXXXX5 @, p  [- l% l7 S
不知道你能不能受得了这样的中文呢?
( g/ @" V3 t: ?
! i2 z! ^) b7 X# z# J1 d如果你写得如此白话文的话,不如向你喜欢的女子写封LOVE LETTER
* L% N) q* T: l* b至于,你最缺乏的意境,强烈要求你参考我给你贴的诗歌, 看看别人怎么用最白话的文字,写出有绘画美,建筑美和音乐美的东西
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发表于 2008-12-24 15:31 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
楼主的湿,绝对要赞一个,那叫做雷死人不要钱!强就一个字!!!!
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 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-24 16:03 | 显示全部楼层
原帖由 therainbow 于 2008-12-24 15:24 发表 , J0 K7 j2 x! V
闻一多怎么说来着,诗歌有音乐美,建筑美,绘画美
) N5 N  u7 o) d8 m! R; U# w$ d9 q你的就是白花文,而且很多英文的用法根本不地道: n) `1 i3 W$ W5 C% T
就和用中文写一次/ c, M# @+ A: d) }, Z/ I+ h
阿,我爱你) [, y3 @* b# ~
你让我心跳好快
, [% z3 d' `5 j( [+ Z你让我脸发热
% }- O6 U9 |. m3 e, T* m9 V- }我爱上你的大嘴唇
* i- r8 m1 S/ H9 C5 s6 LXXXXX; i2 b0 x7 O, l' ?; ?5 Y7 a
不知道你能不能受得了这样的 ...
: A1 ?7 x2 ?; |

2 l  [# g2 s0 S/ r靠, 你要是不爱女人的厚嘴唇和性感的身体的话, 难道你会爱女人的脚趾头和胳胳窝不成?
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发表于 2008-12-25 00:13 | 显示全部楼层
恩,我无语了
鲜花(5) 鸡蛋(0)
发表于 2008-12-25 07:37 | 显示全部楼层
同言同羽 置业良晨
这也叫诗,勇气大大的.
鲜花(1115) 鸡蛋(0)
发表于 2008-12-25 12:22 | 显示全部楼层
Match the following Song! Casablanca.; r  Y4 S5 W0 Z- t! ^
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发表于 2008-12-25 16:55 | 显示全部楼层
鲜花(120) 鸡蛋(0)
发表于 2008-12-31 02:08 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
码字能连句,转行也成诗。。。
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