我今天刚写的英文诗, 高手给提提意见

我在故我思

Falling in love
8 N& b& J4 a1 n0 l( C* P$ @
I fell in love with you
; E$ @$ s- W8 m$ R1 v% A  \At the first week we met

You have charm, you have looks
, P' U+ t1 V) S7 \  ?7 i! swith full of pimples in face
As spotting sky at a summer night
They are shining stars
" d& j6 M* ~$ g: [' V6 Y/ i
+ q. h2 L3 F' k( d, I9 `Your lip is so big
+ E, l. d3 J$ K9 U- UAnd that’s good for a kiss
, }& {7 h1 j9 i( Y# m. [Your body is chubby
, |; U( i% v/ ~3 D' _# eAnd that is good for sex
+ Q8 i4 l/ h) y
# L) y) b0 ^1 m" a# T2 y9 {$ tI was deeply in love
Everything from you is positive
6 q. n! Y: L/ ]9 LYou blame me everything and everyday
# n: L- _8 U4 R8 [1 ^7 dAnd I think all girls sound like
0 `; m( d0 u6 H& ?' C
) z% J* d! u; H; t7 Z, xYou could not stand my eating
Saying no good for making funny sound
I think you are perfectly right
9 J/ ?8 A0 W: I9 VEating with sound is a pig

I fell in love with you
Become a fool to think
! b/ V" l" ^: U1 O% ZAll trouble things you did
# q# ]$ }. {+ D" n  D( z0 [And that is the price for love
& r- \3 E/ T9 V# U3 b2 V3 c
# [+ \5 A2 [# W0 G4 c; T! ?you are deeply in love
8 Z2 U1 w& k) w0 {4 X& DEverything from me is negative
7 M7 x5 K: S' D8 ^! X) \"My man should be like this,
and I am helping you to improve'
$ l0 |' S; r. d1 U! p
You are loving me
or that one in your mind?
) I' P! V& ~* g! g  w. R& cMy mind is like a mud
& J5 z* x1 Q9 T; n" z% ucan be shaped whatever you want
2 E8 q0 U; i5 Q: @
unfortunalety not my heart
; q" K, x  T, ]( s6 oIt is slashed by you
and I am seriously hurt
/ ]; S+ H! z9 s  x2 t
I will never love another
If my heart can be fixed

冰山上的来客

my english is so poor, can't understand your meaning.

米兔丫

这个，能不能叫情人眼里出西施，连小痘痘都升级作STAR了＝。＝

犀牛图拉

我在故我思

原帖由 冰山上的来客 于 2008-12-21 19:53 发表
my english is so poor, can't understand your meaning.

5 [& T/ p+ S, M, {# A; S咱可是请高手指点, 你都不明白, 我看就算了吧

肆贰叁

配上卡萨布兰卡的旋律就可以唱了，呵呵

我在故我思

楼上, 卡萨布兰卡的歌好听吗?

raymont

强！强！强！SEX!SEX!SEX!
不过像我这种对中文诗都没有什么研究的人，对贵作就更不敢胡言乱语啦！顶一下。

therainbow

sweeite,
i am sorry to say that ur poem sucks.
And this is something I change. Whatever left r too sucky to be changed
9 S/ S& ^- i% v3 d' Z7 p3 x
with the charm,
# c9 I# T5 V9 o2 W; J! Q" [with the simles.
I fell in love with you
In the first sign.
As spotting sky at a summer

& r- Y6 D- w" O. g1 sYour lip is so soft
there is not honey can sweeter than ur kiss
Your body is so sexy
And I cannt image the moment I  touch u.
' c# h* x8 O4 F6 q) ?+ x; H5 U
I am deeply in love
Everything from you is so charming
although You r so picky for me
And I take them as ur buttefly feelings.

therainbow

THis is the poem in SNTC S2 and it is not a good one 2.
' ~+ I  y2 f, ~! {+ |  |But u can copy the way how she ranges the poem


) z9 I5 b+ [% K# c+ c, KHis hello is the end of her endings
3 C, ^7 f* e2 R* XHer laugh is their first step down  the aisle
: g8 [" b% G( c8 q* |5 xHis hand would be hers to hold forever
: b* J% i, L! R4 SHis forever is simply as her smile
2 j7 ~, C& a! ]9 F0 o7 z6 }He said she was what was missing
! M# s' y5 C) G% P( X" Y! {She said instantly she knew
% l5 Z9 o" f6 ?8 s; tShe was a question to be answered
) i* D' J' V! A9 C' R) oAnd his answer is
6 N- u& a; N  D9 xI do

我在故我思

Rain bow, you are so right. You improved it , and now it is much better. Seems you also like poems. that is good and wish to keep in touch with each other. Merry Xmas
# G* K  P3 t* c. V( \" x- j7 v
9 ?5 x  L* f) zBelow is my new one, any comment?

我在故我思

It’s amazing how I felt
$ X, x( A! M- i8 G1 `! }
* c$ N! [) w; S* LIt's amazing how I felt
when I was with you
% @, u5 d( [( z3 C; @. |1 d- O8 pMy heart beat so fast
I looked at you and thought
Holy Jesus, you were so cute

You left me without a word
. M: m% x$ d$ L* ^7 \: I4 h+ uI have nothing except my emptiness
My mood is like a cloud
: H$ \, P, h" n1 n' ?. AHow could it be dispersed?

Feelings bite my heart
You are the right one I wait
, w6 a" g! |  `7 x+ gIn the depth of my soul
$ a6 C  t/ n( F0 U' C& Q; D, wI will love you till I'm dead

therainbow

闻一多怎么说来着,诗歌有音乐美,建筑美,绘画美
. T" b; |& e. T9 x8 ]8 d你的就是白花文,而且很多英文的用法根本不地道
8 Z+ m! @2 N5 y就和用中文写一次
阿,我爱你
你让我心跳好快
你让我脸发热
我爱上你的大嘴唇
& C& H- L( s/ u& K# @& TXXXXX
不知道你能不能受得了这样的中文呢?
/ L. ^  b- E, i- q' `
( J  }& \) ]/ m$ H$ b4 |. U2 w8 S如果你写得如此白话文的话,不如向你喜欢的女子写封LOVE LETTER
& Y9 x2 v# D. O- c2 M- \至于,你最缺乏的意境,强烈要求你参考我给你贴的诗歌, 看看别人怎么用最白话的文字,写出有绘画美,建筑美和音乐美的东西

蓝言雪

楼主的湿，绝对要赞一个，那叫做雷死人不要钱！强就一个字！！！！

我在故我思

原帖由 therainbow 于 2008-12-24 15:24 发表
闻一多怎么说来着,诗歌有音乐美,建筑美,绘画美
$ s8 A. {+ e, W9 B; \1 m你的就是白花文,而且很多英文的用法根本不地道
就和用中文写一次
阿,我爱你
: r" y& l  x& {7 s. L2 D) {你让我心跳好快
你让我脸发热
' d; e$ j! |& ~# N$ M我爱上你的大嘴唇
XXXXX
不知道你能不能受得了这样的 ...

靠, 你要是不爱女人的厚嘴唇和性感的身体的话, 难道你会爱女人的脚趾头和胳胳窝不成?

therainbow

恩,我无语了

ram

这也叫诗,勇气大大的.

费莫

Match the following Song! Casablanca.
: [5 E4 E9 C. z3 P$ t  f) m

爱中成长

竟陵残雪

码字能连句，转行也成诗。。。