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我今天刚写的英文诗, 高手给提提意见

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鲜花(0) 鸡蛋(0)
发表于 2008-12-21 12:21 | 显示全部楼层 |阅读模式
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
Falling in love5 u; W0 a3 y& D* L4 c0 u& V( V

6 Y% l: n  B0 ]' Y1 fI fell in love with you 9 V1 _0 g9 y- G- [! H
At the first week we met
! L/ g9 e/ d& G/ K- t( b9 r5 w& [: P# X( i6 c) N0 T
You have charm, you have looks
$ f" R1 {9 O. S3 N6 kwith full of pimples in face
, u$ z( E  Q* {3 k8 e: `+ gAs spotting sky at a summer night
3 e3 C/ n1 Q- X; t1 M; \7 uThey are shining stars' Q# V6 e# V3 v8 i: H

- r" o. d3 _& h$ k! PYour lip is so big
  \8 s6 i- B' ~1 J/ X6 _And that’s good for a kiss
3 v2 k$ Y9 d$ O1 F& eYour body is chubby7 H0 S' f, G9 P  p. L( B, A5 F
And that is good for sex$ Y. j$ _! i7 ]* z% a. Q
/ r+ ]( g# d+ y# m2 S% s2 H1 q9 @+ o
I was deeply in love
8 a9 E1 j. a9 c3 j+ a1 b5 CEverything from you is positive
- a2 `; [2 b6 SYou blame me everything and everyday
( O0 ]6 f$ z* B, M" {# F3 AAnd I think all girls sound like
( y6 S6 s% [4 d: Q. A' I7 q1 Z6 \( j* w% w
You could not stand my eating
; k, t: d1 e* R$ }. }9 ySaying no good for making funny sound# Q* Q. W! W" m, F/ i' ^
I think you are perfectly right
( {6 k  W! ]# B% X* wEating with sound is a pig, J/ u  v: M4 ^: M+ a4 T) J
; J7 s1 a2 h* _3 P
I fell in love with you
0 A- e. v5 I, t0 {0 n! R8 o8 OBecome a fool to think+ e: ?. u2 d  ?' I+ F: a
All trouble things you did3 p( Y! h# u. H* X6 k
And that is the price for love2 b5 P4 m2 |  h2 Y$ }
. B2 D8 X% {1 W; e+ c1 m
you are deeply in love4 F7 l) \+ |' ^* i8 W6 g4 u
Everything from me is negative
5 W5 F/ H2 f1 {0 l5 u  |! O) H"My man should be like this,1 q9 M- P. Q( E' v1 r
and I am helping you to improve'* b& a5 Q: n& b, D, Y, [

5 s+ V5 e" I! x& Z& G: H! |, ?5 N5 zYou are loving me 0 @' f* D- }) i9 P: F% T
or that one in your mind?
4 o# R1 x  I7 ]# bMy mind is like a mud( ]5 _5 s/ O, p$ c
can be shaped whatever you want
+ ]& ?) ?* B/ {  v2 E  R  h
% Q* X1 f1 U8 i( U% S! N7 _unfortunalety not my heart
# m% x4 @9 `% L/ [& u  ZIt is slashed by you - t# X3 `. x$ a. N
and I am seriously hurt! c" H5 |" p5 C- |

+ ?1 O+ ?) \  a5 E# I) pI will never love another $ R' U. Y2 h+ r0 m+ E
If my heart can be fixed
鲜花(657) 鸡蛋(3)
发表于 2008-12-21 19:53 | 显示全部楼层
my english is so poor, can't understand your meaning.
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发表于 2008-12-21 19:57 | 显示全部楼层
这个,能不能叫情人眼里出西施,连小痘痘都升级作STAR了=。=
鲜花(40) 鸡蛋(1)
发表于 2008-12-21 20:46 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队 追求完美
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 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-22 17:44 | 显示全部楼层
原帖由 冰山上的来客 于 2008-12-21 19:53 发表 ! V3 Z4 D$ L. B! r
my english is so poor, can't understand your meaning.

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咱可是请高手指点, 你都不明白, 我看就算了吧
鲜花(0) 鸡蛋(0)
发表于 2008-12-22 18:06 | 显示全部楼层
配上卡萨布兰卡的旋律就可以唱了,呵呵
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 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-22 21:34 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
楼上, 卡萨布兰卡的歌好听吗?
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发表于 2008-12-23 19:24 | 显示全部楼层

楼主的诗很雷人

强!强!强!SEX!SEX!SEX!
  s8 Z1 \0 b. Z2 Q: [2 O6 N  G不过像我这种对中文诗都没有什么研究的人,对贵作就更不敢胡言乱语啦!顶一下。
大型搬家
鲜花(0) 鸡蛋(0)
发表于 2008-12-24 07:04 | 显示全部楼层
sweeite,
$ R( Q% |/ y( ?7 fi am sorry to say that ur poem sucks.* b' H, e+ _% x, m3 N" [( Z. e
And this is something I change. Whatever left r too sucky to be changed
, I" d% ^# `/ Z) @9 R8 `9 Y" J3 Z: z! n
with the charm,
0 F9 F3 r; l- \- l# r6 uwith the simles./ O7 N! @% w# x; F- L( n
I fell in love with you 2 a! _5 Y' s  ?% L9 s8 m) t7 x
In the first sign.' H7 P" r) X  Q8 S
As spotting sky at a summer , Q- a! Z3 B' g% D

: R8 ?# _' Q3 zYour lip is so soft
- P" k: }/ e+ k' w( Kthere is not honey can sweeter than ur kiss
3 z; l! G" }# f" ?Your body is so sexy
# H7 h3 N+ _: ~6 J/ F4 }/ m7 EAnd I cannt image the moment I  touch u.. o# V; p! `; X7 p, L6 `: {
# r, |' h, O: F+ p3 a+ v6 ~
I am deeply in love7 |& ]+ @2 c, O' ]  T
Everything from you is so charming
' _9 a; N) R6 n8 t: y4 H$ Calthough You r so picky for me ; h" u' ]' ~, ^
And I take them as ur buttefly feelings.
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发表于 2008-12-24 07:16 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
THis is the poem in SNTC S2 and it is not a good one 2.
$ E6 g* `" k2 q% S  r/ ^But u can copy the way how she ranges the poem
" L% B. ]& o/ g. i3 C6 Y7 a* M' r) P! r
7 I* L- q! p* B
His hello is the end of her endings
! m/ c' o) T, ~7 M( {( J+ d# N! |Her laugh is their first step down  the aisle" D( k4 g* l) Z3 V2 [7 W
His hand would be hers to hold forever& T$ F7 `, }  b& Q$ ^5 L
His forever is simply as her smile % M; h2 G7 w! b6 ]( z3 W
He said she was what was missing
, k! t+ L/ {* t' w% R7 f- |She said instantly she knew) O4 d, }+ v. L
She was a question to be answered
' Z- e6 h2 Y& M/ R' \: dAnd his answer is
0 E+ Q+ A2 V; k8 ~# E( ZI do
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 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-24 14:37 | 显示全部楼层
Rain bow, you are so right. You improved it , and now it is much better. Seems you also like poems. that is good and wish to keep in touch with each other. Merry Xmas
( U" j/ X' w4 a. ~' o; e& u* d( A
Below is my new one, any comment?
理袁律师事务所
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 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-24 14:38 | 显示全部楼层
It’s amazing how I felt
+ y  Y$ T& W  N3 U( T+ J; f+ |) m" r6 \
It's amazing how I felt 9 f) W' w3 u, {$ @
when I was with you. Y  a1 F8 w  i% I' q( l
My heart beat so fast3 y8 `* W/ i+ e6 E
I looked at you and thought6 ~& _+ b1 N$ B7 L8 P* p: e* N. |
Holy Jesus, you were so cute7 e  e5 T% r4 q3 }
- z6 C. a# j! D! J- D( u
You left me without a word' G5 Q8 p$ ^% ~( }, l+ U- F) Y
I have nothing except my emptiness
) O: i* s  `2 U& h( y8 CMy mood is like a cloud0 q! d* P" u) _, h9 ?
How could it be dispersed?
6 n$ U8 w: [; _9 Y* }. W  O" e4 `; }  h! ~# T
Feelings bite my heart 0 n' C8 M4 W1 R6 [
You are the right one I wait
$ H% T" G3 ?# J) v  ]In the depth of my soul7 {; j) P2 a! N  n. K
I will love you till I'm dead
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发表于 2008-12-24 15:24 | 显示全部楼层
同言同羽 置业良晨
闻一多怎么说来着,诗歌有音乐美,建筑美,绘画美
: |5 a8 Q- A5 D* t" k你的就是白花文,而且很多英文的用法根本不地道
8 J' N2 k# d. C5 O: f1 j( R* e就和用中文写一次
, h9 H4 T" i7 [, ?% s# U7 ]/ M& T阿,我爱你0 w. s1 c, T# X+ v. x8 C
你让我心跳好快
# q) E' B. l- x5 N) W你让我脸发热
7 M* i3 e2 V- m4 o* X4 v1 A我爱上你的大嘴唇. {5 Q' ~. g3 Y, J$ z1 Q7 B
XXXXX
- D0 ~, ?) o6 D9 k2 k不知道你能不能受得了这样的中文呢?
1 P. ?; e0 a1 d/ B6 k( \7 M& p6 u$ X+ n4 C& ~: I+ q
如果你写得如此白话文的话,不如向你喜欢的女子写封LOVE LETTER3 R/ `3 O" N2 @  K" }
至于,你最缺乏的意境,强烈要求你参考我给你贴的诗歌, 看看别人怎么用最白话的文字,写出有绘画美,建筑美和音乐美的东西
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发表于 2008-12-24 15:31 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
楼主的湿,绝对要赞一个,那叫做雷死人不要钱!强就一个字!!!!
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 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-24 16:03 | 显示全部楼层
原帖由 therainbow 于 2008-12-24 15:24 发表
7 R! Y7 n4 ~/ r9 s闻一多怎么说来着,诗歌有音乐美,建筑美,绘画美
0 T. _( N. c# \" P9 g0 N你的就是白花文,而且很多英文的用法根本不地道" {! A& }( A) @0 D9 `0 h9 l! n
就和用中文写一次
  w5 b+ O; F# \阿,我爱你4 o) g3 ]/ ?1 g5 C% e
你让我心跳好快
# R5 H! w* Y* X1 E你让我脸发热
) _3 Z. M- @1 z1 ]3 O  B我爱上你的大嘴唇
) j" W( E9 E3 t& ?XXXXX  o9 d' Q+ b" d4 C' w+ e2 _, u
不知道你能不能受得了这样的 ...
3 [; _4 j  \3 c5 r% k

) x/ f& B8 j) {# I3 j& n: W) ?# H) v靠, 你要是不爱女人的厚嘴唇和性感的身体的话, 难道你会爱女人的脚趾头和胳胳窝不成?
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发表于 2008-12-25 00:13 | 显示全部楼层
恩,我无语了
鲜花(5) 鸡蛋(0)
发表于 2008-12-25 07:37 | 显示全部楼层
同言同羽 置业良晨
这也叫诗,勇气大大的.
鲜花(1115) 鸡蛋(0)
发表于 2008-12-25 12:22 | 显示全部楼层
Match the following Song! Casablanca.
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发表于 2008-12-25 16:55 | 显示全部楼层
鲜花(120) 鸡蛋(0)
发表于 2008-12-31 02:08 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
码字能连句,转行也成诗。。。
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