我今天刚写的英文诗, 高手给提提意见

我在故我思

Falling in love
  a; f/ i- ~: Z( C" I4 n
( }8 v' }4 Y' L. V: XI fell in love with you
$ e6 W6 l  R$ |At the first week we met
$ m; z% S* h. |' W$ I
, |: Y# l2 P" C7 L) qYou have charm, you have looks
* [+ a: y1 u( Z5 q5 L; |with full of pimples in face
As spotting sky at a summer night
They are shining stars

Your lip is so big
And that’s good for a kiss
Your body is chubby
And that is good for sex

I was deeply in love
Everything from you is positive
) Y4 o! o% ]# K3 Y# qYou blame me everything and everyday
4 l) H4 y! E2 q& n9 ^, U- VAnd I think all girls sound like

6 R' ~' B$ }5 }You could not stand my eating
) @; c1 `6 l2 p& JSaying no good for making funny sound
# {" R& ]5 ~  T+ n9 aI think you are perfectly right
Eating with sound is a pig

I fell in love with you
Become a fool to think
, T0 J- B/ Z  M. y- ?All trouble things you did
And that is the price for love
1 {# N7 {- L% H2 z
, ?% t8 T% a, Oyou are deeply in love
+ y8 q  c8 m$ gEverything from me is negative
"My man should be like this,
and I am helping you to improve'
4 L7 r  w0 \6 I& j( d$ o
You are loving me
: N$ P: R- w: e, V4 Aor that one in your mind?
My mind is like a mud
can be shaped whatever you want

4 s( E& N# E0 F' G: T7 funfortunalety not my heart
It is slashed by you
and I am seriously hurt
7 Q, y, `$ Q6 w  T
) ]% [# ~  ~, \. QI will never love another
If my heart can be fixed

冰山上的来客

my english is so poor, can't understand your meaning.

米兔丫

这个，能不能叫情人眼里出西施，连小痘痘都升级作STAR了＝。＝

犀牛图拉

我在故我思

原帖由 冰山上的来客 于 2008-12-21 19:53 发表
. K! [5 m4 N5 O, ~my english is so poor, can't understand your meaning.

咱可是请高手指点, 你都不明白, 我看就算了吧

肆贰叁

配上卡萨布兰卡的旋律就可以唱了，呵呵

我在故我思

楼上, 卡萨布兰卡的歌好听吗?

raymont

强！强！强！SEX!SEX!SEX!
4 n6 E& c( @0 J; l3 ^0 p不过像我这种对中文诗都没有什么研究的人，对贵作就更不敢胡言乱语啦！顶一下。

therainbow

sweeite,
i am sorry to say that ur poem sucks.
) i' S% X; H. E) pAnd this is something I change. Whatever left r too sucky to be changed
7 W: f+ ~) X7 v8 y4 h/ [) _) F
/ |) E# w+ o3 L8 c5 Uwith the charm,
5 j" \3 T$ Y/ |7 z# r! f7 Uwith the simles.
I fell in love with you
: I' ~3 x- c% d7 t) G& _; q; JIn the first sign.
6 H+ [9 c% C  H  sAs spotting sky at a summer

. W" ?/ z2 i/ S7 G; ~Your lip is so soft
there is not honey can sweeter than ur kiss
8 u5 t4 M0 g4 i  l8 y# O& WYour body is so sexy
1 V) _: W/ S1 a2 p8 mAnd I cannt image the moment I  touch u.

' j9 Q/ }, m3 L0 G# T" k; e5 PI am deeply in love
" X: @8 _7 E2 C( V3 s. s9 XEverything from you is so charming
although You r so picky for me
And I take them as ur buttefly feelings.

therainbow

THis is the poem in SNTC S2 and it is not a good one 2.
2 [6 g3 V+ |0 Q( l) A, ^7 UBut u can copy the way how she ranges the poem


! H; k/ ]# ]2 h- W, P) lHis hello is the end of her endings
$ e0 Y" G; q9 ]; O6 LHer laugh is their first step down  the aisle
  u: U+ ]; n7 VHis hand would be hers to hold forever
$ h4 `9 }5 ]8 z2 FHis forever is simply as her smile
He said she was what was missing
, Z6 l: _1 B  J% p. v/ N9 NShe said instantly she knew
' Q  a$ N/ B* @, x; oShe was a question to be answered
% K1 b' U- A# [0 ^6 f( k6 eAnd his answer is
I do

我在故我思

Rain bow, you are so right. You improved it , and now it is much better. Seems you also like poems. that is good and wish to keep in touch with each other. Merry Xmas
9 F* U+ }) Y1 n5 X; L
Below is my new one, any comment?

我在故我思

It’s amazing how I felt
! h; L$ K( j1 {# X9 U. Y+ }; I8 X
It's amazing how I felt
when I was with you
My heart beat so fast
I looked at you and thought
Holy Jesus, you were so cute

You left me without a word
' L$ a0 u0 I) H+ RI have nothing except my emptiness
My mood is like a cloud
+ c, f& V+ l$ D' k9 \How could it be dispersed?

" b; f; w6 I: v* @8 }Feelings bite my heart
You are the right one I wait
In the depth of my soul
I will love you till I'm dead

therainbow

闻一多怎么说来着,诗歌有音乐美,建筑美,绘画美
你的就是白花文,而且很多英文的用法根本不地道
8 u2 t2 ^3 ~1 ]+ R就和用中文写一次
阿,我爱你
你让我心跳好快
3 C+ ~8 f  a% [* R) _- u4 R你让我脸发热
我爱上你的大嘴唇
4 a- k' t5 X: D5 F, J* bXXXXX
不知道你能不能受得了这样的中文呢?
7 E9 s" f( \* G  ?  c' P
如果你写得如此白话文的话,不如向你喜欢的女子写封LOVE LETTER
至于,你最缺乏的意境,强烈要求你参考我给你贴的诗歌, 看看别人怎么用最白话的文字,写出有绘画美,建筑美和音乐美的东西

蓝言雪

楼主的湿，绝对要赞一个，那叫做雷死人不要钱！强就一个字！！！！

我在故我思

原帖由 therainbow 于 2008-12-24 15:24 发表
闻一多怎么说来着,诗歌有音乐美,建筑美,绘画美
你的就是白花文,而且很多英文的用法根本不地道
就和用中文写一次
阿,我爱你
  {9 q  z8 l7 h9 u) I. v你让我心跳好快
你让我脸发热
% Q7 R! c5 b  ^% D. Q我爱上你的大嘴唇
1 V2 w2 Q3 D" A# j" U* [XXXXX
不知道你能不能受得了这样的 ...

8 s" m. B* C4 C  ~7 J% Q靠, 你要是不爱女人的厚嘴唇和性感的身体的话, 难道你会爱女人的脚趾头和胳胳窝不成?

therainbow

恩,我无语了

ram

这也叫诗,勇气大大的.

费莫

Match the following Song! Casablanca.

爱中成长

竟陵残雪

码字能连句，转行也成诗。。。