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Dress Code:
* g& @0 ?% B- n5 Z! c0 K5 A; `1. You are advised to come to work dressed according to your salary. 3 U& X& ^" l1 x* V5 {' e
2. If we see you wearing Prada shoes and carrying a Gucci bag, we will assume you are doing well financially and therefore do not need a raise. # k) R' S. B9 G/ k( N2 q- i$ J
3. If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your money better, so that you may buy nicer clothes, and therefore you do not need a raise.
5 _1 D! D0 h# H, E4. If you dress just right, you are right where you need to be and therefore you do not need a raise. ( p5 ~ o4 N% I5 S, ~& M
4 o' X" m# d, g+ N4 p+ Z5 jSick Days: * V0 p- X; `! C' O6 ] V
We will no longer accept a doctor's statement as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.
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Personal Days:
7 l# f: n7 q8 ?! T8 J7 ~6 PEach employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They are called Saturdays & Sundays. ) b2 [. ~7 S: A! F8 w# S% p
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Bereavement Leave:
$ e; B% W6 V& h0 X1. This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for dead friends, relatives or co-workers.
9 T" L" x4 e9 {* j6 E2. Every effort should be made to have non-employees attend the funeral arrangements. 3 D9 M+ c1 z7 V' s
3. In rare cases where employee involvement is necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in the late af ternoon. * q ^# n+ d( @
4. We will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch hour and subsequently leave one hour early. , S$ c5 }, k- y, U; x5 {8 W1 A
3 ?* w$ S/ w1 ~+ zBathroom Breaks:
. c1 O; h3 H5 u/ P7 U1 Z$ q1. Entirely too much time is being spent in the toilet. There is now a strict three-minute time limit in the stalls. % T' X$ n9 w4 R
2. At the end of three minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the stall door will open, and a picture will be taken. $ Q9 A1 A6 v; G# H. d+ M) B+ }
3. After your second offense, your picture will be posted on the company bulletin board under the "Chronic Offenders" category.
; t# V9 J N% ]2 u4. Anyone caught smiling in the picture will be sanctioned under the company's mental health policy. & E/ X+ U% ^& A' Y& c
$ k& U5 x) t+ h/ \* R% x! L* WLunch Break: 1 k& n b8 Y& f) ]6 F" Y/ l- }1 i
1. Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch, as they need to eat more, so that they can look healthy.
$ c: @5 N* F+ v6 S, I4 w v2. Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to maintain their average figure.
+ G, |% e8 M+ ^# R c K8 t6 J6 O3. Chubby people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that's all the time needed to drink a Slim-Fast. + Q5 |6 E; n+ M) N! Y
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Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a positive employment experience. Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplation s, consternation and input should be directed elsewhere.
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The Management
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( c: p, f! t, r! C3 L7 v7 qPass this on to all who are employed. |
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