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If you read this without laughing out-loud, there is something
1 O7 X5 l! ?3 T8 |* L- s3 E" Swrong with you. This is dedicated to everyone who ever attempted to get
) C. f; t! t. u& N5 ^into a regular workout routine.
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! W* e( a5 v1 G# x' s. L6 KDear Diary:- @9 N# e' h/ ?5 e
8 D1 d' Y! O P. g7 s/ m( Z9 X/ fFor my fortieth birthday this year, my wife (the dear) purchased a! L: n* N# Z2 H, V
week of personal training at the local health club for me. Although I
' x% F. R& Z$ R% sam still in great shape since playing on my college football team 250 a! @$ J+ d4 a" x6 A
years ago, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a
" a; \3 Z( Q2 `try. I called the club and made my reservation with a personal trainer
6 _6 W$ I8 f# @; n$ o& ynamed Belinda, who identified herself as a 26 yr. old aerobics
1 n$ i; u( x- h. m% w* ~. q$ \" O. ninstructor and model for athletic clothing and swimwear.
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My wife seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started! The club/ p1 x/ `5 P4 S$ X- p
encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress. Y L4 |% x) o2 k
1 U0 k! _8 s! ]/ C# R+ q$ T; U" ^. tMONDAY:
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2 k& i$ ^% n" i' OStarted my day at 6 am. Tough to get out of bed, but it was well5 u9 o! ^( ~* i4 q9 ?( Q$ A# p
worth it when I arrived at the health club to find Belinda waiting for
' s4 M2 ^4 Q0 B3 Y4 ~" ~me. She was something of a Greek goddess-- with blonde hair, dancing. d, X* y% N/ J" R4 w
eyes and a dazzling white smile. Woo Hoo!!!!!7 q; q* f. o9 A8 Q
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She took my pulse after 5 minutes on the treadmill. She was alarmed
C( C) o2 m& pthat my pulse was so fast, but I attributed it to standing next to her
/ u9 N$ Y9 k* A5 A' Pin her Lycra aerobics outfit. I enjoyed watching the skilful way in b! b8 g# M) v6 U! N3 I6 J" [
which she conducted her aerobics class after my workout today.0 x+ l. I. Y$ i0 G$ D9 B
: P5 s4 ]2 o- H# V gVery inspiring, Belinda was encouraging as I did my sit-ups,4 W1 N% `: |$ }# J& Q3 c+ j
although my gut was already aching from holding it in the whole time she
" H( `# Z* A9 i0 j; d) owas around.% [2 Q) r- u2 w: N- O
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This is going to be a FANTASTIC week!!2 Z) E9 X9 M: ~7 h6 r x7 @' m
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TUESDAY:
4 A) |/ K; A0 d& G7 M. s" c0 BI drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door.9 {, _9 O- t; k5 p. \6 f$ R
Belinda made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air,2 {0 C" c. L2 F$ A2 ^) R& V5 z$ a
and then she put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the/ H: o/ U3 f1 h
treadmill, but I made the full mile. Belinda's rewarding smile made it
- D8 n0 { t/ K0 M" E# |all worthwhile.$ U) ^% Q# y8 g4 L l) X
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I feel GREAT!! It's a whole new life for me.* c3 p2 d- E) C& b. W( ]1 f4 s8 O
" v: Q4 z3 _$ M5 Y7 AWEDNESDAY:* O( g8 J7 v/ H' l, N
The only way I can brush my teeth is by lying on the toothbrush on" D9 \' n! i% g( a- H% k3 V8 u
the counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have+ o* I# p% p: d
a hernia in both pectorals. Driving was okay as long as I didn't try to
% S- f2 @; ?" p; csteer or stop. Belinda was impatient with me, insisting that my screams1 q: K s3 j3 h% T8 A T' p& c
bothered the other club members. Her voice is a little too perky for4 [/ {, a N( b5 K( c
early in the morning and when she scolds, she gets this nasally whine
+ K: _ f5 b; n0 w. Mthat is VERY annoying. My chest hurts when I got on the treadmill, so4 f# P2 H1 l& G0 L& I
Belinda put me on the stair monster. Why the hell would anyone invent a4 x0 O. C* u+ k# s& F/ G# F5 r
machine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by elevators? Belinda
/ z, o# a9 ^9 F4 w. v: C6 b5 utold me it would help me get in shape and enjoy life.
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2 }6 N9 v" _% ]' C8 L: YShe said some other shit too.
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0 x' a4 j4 {$ O& h0 z0 uTHURSDAY:5 L3 n, Y) b. B7 I
Belinda was waiting for me with her vampire-like teeth exposed as
, H, v Q& v7 sher thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn't help3 i% d# v5 K( [2 g- c( D1 H
being a half hour late; it took me that long to tie my shoes. Belinda
( q# f3 P0 \) c' k, Q: f7 {took me to workout with dumbbells. When she was not looking, I ran and
& ~! w9 R# Z a3 J. J" q Mhid in the men's room." n. z. |( L& I2 `& S1 L5 V, E w
9 N& _, n1 w! lShe sent Lars to find me, then, as punishment, put me on the rowing
3 E5 S% \5 C" ?machine -- which I sank.
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FRIDAY:
3 I, d4 K1 D% B: r( sI hate that bitch Belinda more than any human being has ever hated
8 B+ Z. b: t2 n- Kany other human being in the history of the world. Stupid, skinny,
/ n& i1 \4 L; S% l4 M( g3 \; Nanemic little cheerleading bitch. If there were a part of my body I6 h2 [; e, @; b9 w
could move without unbearable pain, I would beat her with it. Belinda
! v! o5 F$ N% ~$ x4 Z8 Fwanted me to work on my triceps. I don't have any triceps!
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And if you don't want dents in the floor, don't hand me e- {9 S- \) v& a, y
the*&%#(#&** barbells or anything that weighs more than a sandwich.6 x- ?9 N/ x- z0 q) ]
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The treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and nutrition9 \/ ~$ w( q. a8 o. d9 f2 m+ Q
teacher. Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like the drama coach
% `4 ~ o' b8 C7 Dor the choir director?
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SATURDAY:) s e9 m' }4 b3 y3 L4 d' E7 c6 S" |
Belinda left a message on my answering machine in her grating,
( W3 k3 x: n, Hshrilly voice wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing her& M3 `" T2 Z4 T0 S0 f
made me want to smash the machine with my planner. However, I lacked the/ r* G% x- s+ x6 U4 P" i9 [, m/ _
strength to even use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven straight. j( ?: M3 _9 z+ z: z* t
hours of the Weather Channel.
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SUNDAY:) L+ {" e* z k3 X, v
I'm having the church van pick me up for services today so I can go8 Q2 ?1 z8 Q( M* N
and thank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that next year,7 k# M3 K! y- Y+ |6 e& l T( Z
my wife (the other bitch), will choose a gift for me that is fun --like
( D% i* ^, L0 e9 Ua root canal or a vasectomy! |
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狗仔卡
发表于 2008-1-22 12:49
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发表于 2008-1-22 13:23
