WEEK AT THE GYM

小叶子

If you read this without laughing out-loud, there is something
7 J* y8 z- s; _1 P6 Uwrong with you. This is dedicated to everyone who ever attempted to get
8 N/ ~/ p2 v3 `1 O$ \) `# Binto a regular workout routine.
( v+ L$ y& ^7 Z5 _$ e( K
  d- W6 C8 y3 ?& i- c5 _; I+ EDear Diary:

For my fortieth birthday this year, my wife (the dear) purchased a
week of personal training at the local health club for me. Although I
% ~7 A/ _1 _7 {! J, T- nam still in great shape since playing on my college football team 25
7 ^, O' L: M. C; i  l4 uyears ago, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a
try. I called the club and made my reservation with a personal trainer
named Belinda, who identified herself as a 26 yr. old aerobics
instructor and model for athletic clothing and swimwear.

My wife seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started! The club
encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress.

MONDAY:

4 |+ W- T- r: |6 S/ {Started my day at 6 am. Tough to get out of bed, but it was well
worth it when I arrived at the health club to find Belinda waiting for
1 \( ^. `! H& w1 j3 }  Ame. She was something of a Greek goddess-- with blonde hair, dancing
eyes and a dazzling white smile. Woo Hoo!!!!!

8 l6 E+ b) m% f+ G- D3 FShe took my pulse after 5 minutes on the treadmill. She was alarmed
that my pulse was so fast, but I attributed it to standing next to her
in her Lycra aerobics outfit. I enjoyed watching the skilful way in
; b" n* R$ t8 Vwhich she conducted her aerobics class after my workout today.
5 J4 r9 }- y5 r( a( i; w) {/ o; ~7 m
! w% R% [0 m  `3 K7 W% cVery inspiring, Belinda was encouraging as I did my sit-ups,
although my gut was already aching from holding it in the whole time she
3 @: i3 V0 f' {/ Pwas around.
+ b5 N2 a8 H5 y# \* L5 h6 m4 x8 x
This is going to be a FANTASTIC week!!

8 `' Y+ L+ H' ^- xTUESDAY:
I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door.
0 i& \0 ~7 r9 D; @Belinda made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air,
, S2 T, ]: x5 {6 Wand then she put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the
" t+ Y6 w4 g. Y2 Xtreadmill, but I made the full mile. Belinda's rewarding smile made it
  {: j$ S0 b) z. ?all worthwhile.

9 y; U) y# @$ ~/ h& S. jI feel GREAT!! It's a whole new life for me.
( E3 `5 h1 D' R, J* p% U4 I
WEDNESDAY:
The only way I can brush my teeth is by lying on the toothbrush on
the counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have
3 e( Y$ X/ a9 p8 r1 H/ w0 U, Na hernia in both pectorals. Driving was okay as long as I didn't try to
, M. U# G) T3 s% _steer or stop. Belinda was impatient with me, insisting that my screams
bothered the other club members. Her voice is a little too perky for
1 E% a4 ]; M9 F8 a$ u' {3 \8 b6 ^early in the morning and when she scolds, she gets this nasally whine
. D2 _- I: X$ K) a/ x7 [that is VERY annoying. My chest hurts when I got on the treadmill, so
+ d% F; }( }9 P' L) i( e7 d# ~" FBelinda put me on the stair monster. Why the hell would anyone invent a
machine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by elevators? Belinda
told me it would help me get in shape and enjoy life.
' h# z4 P/ u9 P* @" x7 X
She said some other shit too.

- C- {) V- p$ s1 {1 e  gTHURSDAY:
# {" a/ s. L+ n6 F' {0 l% U* KBelinda was waiting for me with her vampire-like teeth exposed as
$ Q$ F3 A# v9 Yher thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn't help
$ t+ U0 |; ^/ \( q0 W. \6 _being a half hour late; it took me that long to tie my shoes. Belinda
1 X$ k. D- L! `+ Otook me to workout with dumbbells. When she was not looking, I ran and
hid in the men's room.
& \4 q: W8 }$ m4 Q1 e
She sent Lars to find me, then, as punishment, put me on the rowing
7 a, g/ H3 i! U' bmachine -- which I sank.

FRIDAY:
6 }) Q& C7 V2 ~I hate that bitch Belinda more than any human being has ever hated
any other human being in the history of the world. Stupid, skinny,
% ]& u  K$ n3 t2 [! J# B8 kanemic little cheerleading bitch. If there were a part of my body I
1 H/ W5 o. J: G& F& @6 Qcould move without unbearable pain, I would beat her with it. Belinda
% ~5 b$ ], L) z; rwanted me to work on my triceps. I don't have any triceps!

1 o, ~7 ]8 r5 p. S* K7 HAnd if you don't want dents in the floor, don't hand me
the*&%#(#&** barbells or anything that weighs more than a sandwich.
2 q) {# W) c5 H. M
# k3 {% }0 X+ NThe treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and nutrition
teacher. Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like the drama coach
or the choir director?
. l3 v/ r+ I& N
6 k1 d* m! C& j9 G6 B1 YSATURDAY:
8 S# a2 A, F0 }+ C0 V# i0 |Belinda left a message on my answering machine in her grating,
. d7 q4 @: o) w9 |3 Sshrilly voice wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing her
/ o) e- x% M9 a( W( v3 R' qmade me want to smash the machine with my planner. However, I lacked the
+ X/ _7 i4 }. K& h$ ]1 vstrength to even use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven straight
# M* T4 m9 n6 l9 F1 ~( e% bhours of the Weather Channel.

SUNDAY:
I'm having the church van pick me up for services today so I can go
and thank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that next year,
my wife (the other bitch), will choose a gift for me that is fun --like
a root canal or a vasectomy!

OliveOil

You are absolutely wrong! But my stomach hurts because I can't laugh out loud in the office... oh good lord...

junglebell

Lazycat

lington

root canal, I almosted end up getting one last year. Thanks to the dentist.