WEEK AT THE GYM

小叶子

If you read this without laughing out-loud, there is something
- |. m; G3 |8 T; cwrong with you. This is dedicated to everyone who ever attempted to get
. q; D- k0 Y! Z; H; \into a regular workout routine.

) }/ w5 s+ S( w( Q8 [1 J5 z% u% bDear Diary:

For my fortieth birthday this year, my wife (the dear) purchased a
week of personal training at the local health club for me. Although I
7 m- P# E  P. b' c6 U0 J( F% nam still in great shape since playing on my college football team 25
years ago, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a
try. I called the club and made my reservation with a personal trainer
" W7 f6 ~0 n4 u! R) Znamed Belinda, who identified herself as a 26 yr. old aerobics
instructor and model for athletic clothing and swimwear.
# @; _; K% b& v  l: ^; R! v
" a( `$ {9 P3 ~My wife seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started! The club
encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress.

5 ^% s# p4 U8 Q# a$ q4 |MONDAY:
; L8 K$ ~' Y( h) X7 {4 c
Started my day at 6 am. Tough to get out of bed, but it was well
worth it when I arrived at the health club to find Belinda waiting for
; G0 ?% r3 H) B5 r7 f; r$ i: t; Kme. She was something of a Greek goddess-- with blonde hair, dancing
3 ?: Z  r: W& a$ q  H1 `! X! y8 feyes and a dazzling white smile. Woo Hoo!!!!!
2 q; d. \0 P5 o. F% f) Y; M
4 ~6 J) W& ~4 j" e/ D: ?) M: x- |She took my pulse after 5 minutes on the treadmill. She was alarmed
that my pulse was so fast, but I attributed it to standing next to her
( r( H6 ~$ |- ^0 P. E( E! p8 b4 W6 yin her Lycra aerobics outfit. I enjoyed watching the skilful way in
( W/ \* I' ~9 \' F5 M, o6 Ywhich she conducted her aerobics class after my workout today.

Very inspiring, Belinda was encouraging as I did my sit-ups,
although my gut was already aching from holding it in the whole time she
was around.

This is going to be a FANTASTIC week!!

TUESDAY:
I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door.
Belinda made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air,
6 S$ Z- S# [" \- e. band then she put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the
" d& J3 q8 `) ?6 I7 O/ O5 J1 Utreadmill, but I made the full mile. Belinda's rewarding smile made it
all worthwhile.
0 c, Y5 s7 y# H5 n$ B2 H
% j9 k( N* O  O' T* }I feel GREAT!! It's a whole new life for me.

WEDNESDAY:
The only way I can brush my teeth is by lying on the toothbrush on
9 `5 s8 j6 h& r. W6 Sthe counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have
a hernia in both pectorals. Driving was okay as long as I didn't try to
  Z8 E* x& k6 b2 q& D% |steer or stop. Belinda was impatient with me, insisting that my screams
bothered the other club members. Her voice is a little too perky for
early in the morning and when she scolds, she gets this nasally whine
6 _  w9 S1 o) P% Tthat is VERY annoying. My chest hurts when I got on the treadmill, so
; v% p) F4 O) ]0 T4 {) kBelinda put me on the stair monster. Why the hell would anyone invent a
machine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by elevators? Belinda
0 ~8 v( @2 Y0 k2 ^told me it would help me get in shape and enjoy life.
, q' l! F2 X& n: l
3 v1 ~! `+ ~1 c( S) S# oShe said some other shit too.

) X2 A3 F& @  _2 O: q" w% [9 E8 jTHURSDAY:
- x* U4 w+ I# K1 n" e' i$ J" R' S5 RBelinda was waiting for me with her vampire-like teeth exposed as
her thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn't help
9 t: q$ M3 V8 i( r" bbeing a half hour late; it took me that long to tie my shoes. Belinda
; d) L2 S8 ]  \8 Htook me to workout with dumbbells. When she was not looking, I ran and
hid in the men's room.
: q- S$ a, x/ Z* G0 z# ^
She sent Lars to find me, then, as punishment, put me on the rowing
machine -- which I sank.
$ z  F5 ~8 f3 ]$ ~) R/ R9 k
% x+ e7 J9 _8 p* X; jFRIDAY:
I hate that bitch Belinda more than any human being has ever hated
- B3 o; Q& R  X4 fany other human being in the history of the world. Stupid, skinny,
$ R8 ^( _% {7 x1 B, l$ j) Z) Janemic little cheerleading bitch. If there were a part of my body I
; d9 \  ]; P. K, Jcould move without unbearable pain, I would beat her with it. Belinda
( W" H0 u$ F- |& W. C4 E7 \+ jwanted me to work on my triceps. I don't have any triceps!
  n: M. w& X# ?" ]( l+ J9 n
% o, D4 y( W# N$ X* ~0 eAnd if you don't want dents in the floor, don't hand me
  ^& K: L- T2 fthe*&%#(#&** barbells or anything that weighs more than a sandwich.
8 i, Z  o1 U& g8 l) ]6 z+ }6 _: f: R
" S. g; H+ D4 y+ }3 O$ F5 rThe treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and nutrition
teacher. Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like the drama coach
or the choir director?
7 E9 Z6 k+ j! g! k0 C8 V, m$ H& r  L
SATURDAY:
( m8 X# H7 h$ B, [3 |9 zBelinda left a message on my answering machine in her grating,
$ z9 Q3 _/ v3 G4 Cshrilly voice wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing her
* V) g2 I+ F' [$ x+ bmade me want to smash the machine with my planner. However, I lacked the
" d" B, G+ N/ C5 k& jstrength to even use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven straight
9 g  r" J3 a( H1 v% Mhours of the Weather Channel.
' Y1 Y" P, Y& [8 @
$ ~  [& d5 a9 G  s6 ~4 xSUNDAY:
) T4 m+ y$ Y# y# i7 i3 |0 ^I'm having the church van pick me up for services today so I can go
and thank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that next year,
my wife (the other bitch), will choose a gift for me that is fun --like
a root canal or a vasectomy!

OliveOil

You are absolutely wrong! But my stomach hurts because I can't laugh out loud in the office... oh good lord...

junglebell

Lazycat

lington

root canal, I almosted end up getting one last year. Thanks to the dentist.