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If you read this without laughing out-loud, there is something: b% B! h" H1 D: {
wrong with you. This is dedicated to everyone who ever attempted to get1 }# \0 G0 Z' d/ T; P. a7 o4 D- ~
into a regular workout routine.
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: ^% i: O" h, v6 F8 I7 vDear Diary:
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, h) a* |6 a$ Q7 O0 [6 w5 X, ?For my fortieth birthday this year, my wife (the dear) purchased a
. a( t3 b7 j' B- @4 b. `week of personal training at the local health club for me. Although I* S) z) E+ d6 V3 E
am still in great shape since playing on my college football team 25
3 b1 U6 V; l! I vyears ago, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a! t7 s k8 y' P$ W2 W
try. I called the club and made my reservation with a personal trainer
; ^ ^: h) C" J# a- i. Tnamed Belinda, who identified herself as a 26 yr. old aerobics
7 m9 E( B3 d; Y7 l {* p E1 ninstructor and model for athletic clothing and swimwear.
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My wife seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started! The club& o# J0 d* f; s6 W% c `9 V9 n
encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress.
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x8 g# y& K/ s7 HMONDAY:
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. Q# Q* Q3 d# L$ HStarted my day at 6 am. Tough to get out of bed, but it was well. x8 R! J$ o8 i8 q1 n; Y% C
worth it when I arrived at the health club to find Belinda waiting for$ V" Z1 c; Y0 F8 v
me. She was something of a Greek goddess-- with blonde hair, dancing
) ?" h+ P- P0 E) R0 Neyes and a dazzling white smile. Woo Hoo!!!!!
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% R. ?8 @. M6 OShe took my pulse after 5 minutes on the treadmill. She was alarmed0 k& O. P0 `9 e* Y5 s8 [
that my pulse was so fast, but I attributed it to standing next to her" R, _7 A3 ?6 d! U) W# I
in her Lycra aerobics outfit. I enjoyed watching the skilful way in% C# L2 @. t% _. ^2 S
which she conducted her aerobics class after my workout today.
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* ?- j* E* q2 T; p* zVery inspiring, Belinda was encouraging as I did my sit-ups,
: u" E: A8 z; B& r9 O( U0 T$ balthough my gut was already aching from holding it in the whole time she4 e: {) _9 Y5 {1 T3 i& M& J& s* ~8 b
was around.
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This is going to be a FANTASTIC week!!
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TUESDAY:
# S& w/ k( d7 K! FI drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door.) q2 O7 r, n$ N0 p+ u6 \
Belinda made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air,9 W6 @! r! a" l& S
and then she put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the
4 k; z: }9 R) ^) {treadmill, but I made the full mile. Belinda's rewarding smile made it
# [% Y) X4 q# d3 i+ I2 M4 A8 jall worthwhile.1 n3 l9 k! d8 j |; g& Z, ]. H
2 g0 G+ k( y$ u. eI feel GREAT!! It's a whole new life for me.8 I) X( `# q/ x0 n
: _ r+ ]8 @, pWEDNESDAY:, }) E- g* y5 c% ^, z( l# U
The only way I can brush my teeth is by lying on the toothbrush on; u b7 `/ t8 a8 l/ v. f. }" [( L. f
the counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have+ b1 Y: G- t7 X* @- @
a hernia in both pectorals. Driving was okay as long as I didn't try to! E. Y; W3 L9 ?4 `8 j5 e
steer or stop. Belinda was impatient with me, insisting that my screams/ A" O% y" o' [' m$ v
bothered the other club members. Her voice is a little too perky for
, h' Z, ~5 o, X8 `$ T) [early in the morning and when she scolds, she gets this nasally whine3 d. [& K. T1 m6 g
that is VERY annoying. My chest hurts when I got on the treadmill, so
$ [& \1 T$ v/ Z9 v" g/ [Belinda put me on the stair monster. Why the hell would anyone invent a1 V6 V9 q, U7 {6 u7 Y4 X) y
machine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by elevators? Belinda
* }4 m [7 P3 ?9 `+ qtold me it would help me get in shape and enjoy life.( c6 D2 ^1 M/ B4 \9 T# U
& ~+ M$ L2 s" J- M6 `- MShe said some other shit too.$ A$ A/ g- C/ w" \) k, t
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THURSDAY:
8 j G/ D: Q4 h, Q" KBelinda was waiting for me with her vampire-like teeth exposed as
6 _+ f+ b0 a5 W4 nher thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn't help- }4 |, n' |7 A
being a half hour late; it took me that long to tie my shoes. Belinda
. o& G' m2 f: U, O0 R! @took me to workout with dumbbells. When she was not looking, I ran and
: a4 d# x9 O+ |hid in the men's room.1 m+ }7 v" r' a3 d6 L
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She sent Lars to find me, then, as punishment, put me on the rowing
$ y2 V! b' ]* y! omachine -- which I sank.
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5 m. R* G. \7 D7 U* h7 `+ x# wFRIDAY:% r5 ]: D n) t/ p1 T
I hate that bitch Belinda more than any human being has ever hated6 v0 R! b7 F8 D: v- V1 a* u
any other human being in the history of the world. Stupid, skinny, x+ d3 \ D4 S6 |9 Q" t5 J
anemic little cheerleading bitch. If there were a part of my body I8 T5 G% D& b2 ^3 F5 C' }2 ^
could move without unbearable pain, I would beat her with it. Belinda: s2 E& Z- O, `, D
wanted me to work on my triceps. I don't have any triceps!" @ ?! j( h4 |$ V
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And if you don't want dents in the floor, don't hand me
; b# m5 g5 ?" G- O$ Lthe*&%#(#&** barbells or anything that weighs more than a sandwich. i0 \+ G2 @& v1 P0 e
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The treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and nutrition
2 s2 q: G/ ^; E3 L6 Steacher. Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like the drama coach
7 D7 r8 g0 j2 x1 N- cor the choir director?
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}3 A& z+ s7 G7 F! d1 o1 m2 @/ VSATURDAY:
$ {$ y6 c# I0 q9 NBelinda left a message on my answering machine in her grating,7 k& g6 e* x9 u% t' J/ p, d
shrilly voice wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing her
! F. n4 s/ E3 {. H' Cmade me want to smash the machine with my planner. However, I lacked the
7 C. W4 y9 V, L) _0 j# K( N, B* Rstrength to even use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven straight
0 X/ b; F+ |: p5 B' Z8 |hours of the Weather Channel.7 h- i1 S* H+ D1 w2 [
; M4 ~$ Y+ ?: Q) t6 z* Q0 aSUNDAY:
3 v' ~' s% `. a& sI'm having the church van pick me up for services today so I can go
& ]5 x0 a+ [9 ^) u; V0 land thank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that next year,8 F4 l6 i' @9 s+ I: K0 l/ K
my wife (the other bitch), will choose a gift for me that is fun --like
7 Z, x( F: r! v- p* Ea root canal or a vasectomy! |
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狗仔卡
发表于 2008-1-22 12:49
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发表于 2008-1-22 13:23
