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If you read this without laughing out-loud, there is something
8 C/ D# v% R6 p5 C# P1 b$ pwrong with you. This is dedicated to everyone who ever attempted to get
w+ z0 h: v. |; ointo a regular workout routine.
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0 L6 i6 S& h# V5 _* K0 G/ u9 R" I3 w8 DDear Diary:
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! s+ y% ^* s6 B- Z. Y7 xFor my fortieth birthday this year, my wife (the dear) purchased a
w- f+ f& A7 [$ P& R6 O8 q4 Zweek of personal training at the local health club for me. Although I; C; ?( A) E& b1 I
am still in great shape since playing on my college football team 25
0 z8 C- T' d% L6 R" v% m0 Eyears ago, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a
7 D+ Y; Z- d, s4 d# w" ]try. I called the club and made my reservation with a personal trainer
& f7 W' f Z, n. A0 Z1 x* Snamed Belinda, who identified herself as a 26 yr. old aerobics; R0 ?5 T* X3 C. V7 Y# ^0 [! P
instructor and model for athletic clothing and swimwear. K) N& D* m8 g5 @8 s6 @
& D; i$ \3 L2 j! k# b, `My wife seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started! The club
5 I3 ?- A. W( K8 `! Zencouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress./ @7 u: [" R( i/ Z! [
/ _) F+ t! a( u3 j% F- l6 OMONDAY:
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Started my day at 6 am. Tough to get out of bed, but it was well+ n: `5 N9 N# i) C6 L$ l. w& U
worth it when I arrived at the health club to find Belinda waiting for3 c0 R) Y4 {. u; E/ O
me. She was something of a Greek goddess-- with blonde hair, dancing
$ A& R* G) Y% {/ }9 Veyes and a dazzling white smile. Woo Hoo!!!!!2 j# a$ Z/ U; B% g, V& r
& I/ L4 t- e* e4 v$ AShe took my pulse after 5 minutes on the treadmill. She was alarmed
: _5 x3 J/ s* X0 O; X; p c0 o( uthat my pulse was so fast, but I attributed it to standing next to her
( n7 t+ C% k7 B" X$ O' sin her Lycra aerobics outfit. I enjoyed watching the skilful way in4 c+ @* J; Z& I- n2 W
which she conducted her aerobics class after my workout today.7 e) Q" J- ^+ C' w0 P$ f$ Q3 _& Z
8 W' P6 @8 P8 _# M8 ~, tVery inspiring, Belinda was encouraging as I did my sit-ups,
Z/ [- r1 _. Z7 ]although my gut was already aching from holding it in the whole time she0 K0 u) v$ `/ q6 }0 F
was around.
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; v$ m" u2 G1 p4 l3 u* E# d3 jThis is going to be a FANTASTIC week!!3 H- F" ]1 |, ~; Z5 I
( h ?) V/ P" s$ k# ETUESDAY:2 c. V* ^+ o2 [4 Z: T
I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door.# n* w& t- M% c2 C, N
Belinda made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air,* T7 u) _9 C- x: @- O! u2 O$ E
and then she put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the( W! T7 n% _$ k9 y& K( E( t3 ^
treadmill, but I made the full mile. Belinda's rewarding smile made it3 d4 B' V0 E, z
all worthwhile.0 z1 |' v: ~9 {4 i) S+ W9 G. H
+ W) h7 g- `% Z# [I feel GREAT!! It's a whole new life for me.: j4 ]: i/ Y5 `9 t
1 d2 ^ Q7 f. W5 K W+ Y4 kWEDNESDAY:
1 |# H2 s. N& N& }- A+ R& RThe only way I can brush my teeth is by lying on the toothbrush on
, c% g! m$ u- {the counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have
4 p! Z3 `" Z+ F! E, H+ p- Ua hernia in both pectorals. Driving was okay as long as I didn't try to
( U* b6 s" u, d' _0 ^( ?. Xsteer or stop. Belinda was impatient with me, insisting that my screams1 x. V3 y$ ~% W% M! d
bothered the other club members. Her voice is a little too perky for
: \6 f# E# i* \9 O3 d; Tearly in the morning and when she scolds, she gets this nasally whine
& d; e' g' K/ y. Ithat is VERY annoying. My chest hurts when I got on the treadmill, so
4 K1 V, U2 }: t" |+ a8 WBelinda put me on the stair monster. Why the hell would anyone invent a
/ {8 r4 x. t) k( _* Z$ `8 Z1 pmachine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by elevators? Belinda
0 ^& X9 d! D. R4 utold me it would help me get in shape and enjoy life.
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2 _0 p. J5 S4 _7 t2 \She said some other shit too.
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THURSDAY:
; G+ O* v. @# ~Belinda was waiting for me with her vampire-like teeth exposed as% B$ D, m% z0 f0 ]- s- n* X
her thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn't help
- y% K/ {( e% bbeing a half hour late; it took me that long to tie my shoes. Belinda
8 }( W4 z8 C. E$ Ytook me to workout with dumbbells. When she was not looking, I ran and
/ ]3 V8 g" L+ s$ k+ Thid in the men's room.
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She sent Lars to find me, then, as punishment, put me on the rowing7 a1 h! c2 [+ N" {$ l
machine -- which I sank.
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FRIDAY:
( d# B6 L, ?! ?8 lI hate that bitch Belinda more than any human being has ever hated
3 |8 _/ f; G( }% U0 M9 wany other human being in the history of the world. Stupid, skinny,
2 t t# C# {: h1 D X) @anemic little cheerleading bitch. If there were a part of my body I; w4 a, g- ^ ~+ {8 {, P
could move without unbearable pain, I would beat her with it. Belinda+ e }/ Q9 s' _) W! f, i1 o
wanted me to work on my triceps. I don't have any triceps!- r) _1 V0 h. V5 D
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And if you don't want dents in the floor, don't hand me
" H5 {4 O# @! Z1 _9 qthe*&%#(#&** barbells or anything that weighs more than a sandwich., z2 D N8 K) |( N. I
4 f. u$ ]- @( T8 Z( k
The treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and nutrition3 V; D' R' Q7 o" {5 j) I$ C
teacher. Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like the drama coach5 q L4 J* w" k; y! D1 D m/ C
or the choir director?& K1 V6 E" `+ h5 g6 H/ @8 o* N
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SATURDAY:
2 Z, C5 @3 R& ?: iBelinda left a message on my answering machine in her grating,
" E/ A% D ~$ u% K6 m) U+ Xshrilly voice wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing her/ h8 t5 R* A! H1 t
made me want to smash the machine with my planner. However, I lacked the
! \: s( C0 f7 b, v0 `- Q+ Cstrength to even use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven straight
4 {( k8 N: v% e3 l" qhours of the Weather Channel.
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' `! k2 t' l( q4 P. o3 i0 j( w3 B2 I4 RSUNDAY:# a+ T! S7 c4 q2 i( P
I'm having the church van pick me up for services today so I can go
! v, B. A* A/ X9 {( V/ L( C2 `and thank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that next year,
+ r* }3 A2 q3 T1 f6 s" A# d- Ymy wife (the other bitch), will choose a gift for me that is fun --like
" h$ d) U6 k) i1 Ra root canal or a vasectomy! |
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狗仔卡
发表于 2008-1-22 12:49
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发表于 2008-1-22 13:23
