WEEK AT THE GYM

小叶子

If you read this without laughing out-loud, there is something
wrong with you. This is dedicated to everyone who ever attempted to get
into a regular workout routine.
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Dear Diary:
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$ f& f( S: H$ K7 f2 dFor my fortieth birthday this year, my wife (the dear) purchased a
, M! N3 q$ E1 \' z0 `  T5 T' J& bweek of personal training at the local health club for me. Although I
: |& _* I) ~6 Y, p+ X7 ?am still in great shape since playing on my college football team 25
  t. Z. A  p4 x0 t. o0 p& nyears ago, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a
# X. y4 y. t" U( Jtry. I called the club and made my reservation with a personal trainer
named Belinda, who identified herself as a 26 yr. old aerobics
instructor and model for athletic clothing and swimwear.
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My wife seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started! The club
* D' E+ a: s0 M6 Cencouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress.

* ?, _. }- G* L7 q! mMONDAY:

8 o5 i% m8 U7 S( M7 FStarted my day at 6 am. Tough to get out of bed, but it was well
worth it when I arrived at the health club to find Belinda waiting for
me. She was something of a Greek goddess-- with blonde hair, dancing
& G0 k6 Q1 ^' G+ s' `& Yeyes and a dazzling white smile. Woo Hoo!!!!!
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- \, ^; r6 c/ P. DShe took my pulse after 5 minutes on the treadmill. She was alarmed
/ L: [  N! v6 e- m9 Ithat my pulse was so fast, but I attributed it to standing next to her
in her Lycra aerobics outfit. I enjoyed watching the skilful way in
which she conducted her aerobics class after my workout today.

' O% Z3 h- {. e1 D1 HVery inspiring, Belinda was encouraging as I did my sit-ups,
although my gut was already aching from holding it in the whole time she
was around.
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0 D# T9 y! _2 A. d8 Z' X- T6 VThis is going to be a FANTASTIC week!!
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: V8 V$ s+ p  f* k8 ^3 aTUESDAY:
2 l9 u- S2 f6 H+ \  I  m/ g1 R; l2 k) rI drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door.
Belinda made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air,
2 R1 W# e+ q( N% l7 M% x1 U$ rand then she put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the
+ {6 \6 s* J" W7 z: Ltreadmill, but I made the full mile. Belinda's rewarding smile made it
9 Q0 q, f1 `; K( C! \* xall worthwhile.

0 I2 b  Z9 R8 V% k$ K8 D8 ~I feel GREAT!! It's a whole new life for me.

WEDNESDAY:
The only way I can brush my teeth is by lying on the toothbrush on
the counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have
* p# R- R3 X( H( F. u+ `( ^a hernia in both pectorals. Driving was okay as long as I didn't try to
steer or stop. Belinda was impatient with me, insisting that my screams
bothered the other club members. Her voice is a little too perky for
early in the morning and when she scolds, she gets this nasally whine
that is VERY annoying. My chest hurts when I got on the treadmill, so
' ]) y' G( O6 y9 dBelinda put me on the stair monster. Why the hell would anyone invent a
machine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by elevators? Belinda
told me it would help me get in shape and enjoy life.

2 e6 E# k+ b" {# {% ~/ N4 p8 T4 g4 iShe said some other shit too.
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THURSDAY:
/ {7 V$ d4 v* ^" s- m: `4 sBelinda was waiting for me with her vampire-like teeth exposed as
her thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn't help
being a half hour late; it took me that long to tie my shoes. Belinda
1 y% S* }6 Y2 H8 p2 otook me to workout with dumbbells. When she was not looking, I ran and
9 T7 ~) }  S. w, A5 mhid in the men's room.

She sent Lars to find me, then, as punishment, put me on the rowing
machine -- which I sank.

' x8 l' E( q( G# o9 t' ^; `FRIDAY:
% F" f. w, I) v9 f* C* Y  |3 k. AI hate that bitch Belinda more than any human being has ever hated
3 R" p* w( \! |any other human being in the history of the world. Stupid, skinny,
anemic little cheerleading bitch. If there were a part of my body I
, C5 F3 j& Z6 Q. i7 }( e: A$ ?could move without unbearable pain, I would beat her with it. Belinda
wanted me to work on my triceps. I don't have any triceps!

8 {9 r" n0 V8 O* t* V! a  r6 lAnd if you don't want dents in the floor, don't hand me
the*&%#(#&** barbells or anything that weighs more than a sandwich.
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The treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and nutrition
teacher. Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like the drama coach
or the choir director?
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SATURDAY:
- [9 q4 p4 M6 i" L! {Belinda left a message on my answering machine in her grating,
shrilly voice wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing her
" [$ T. \5 k7 N% u3 l$ @5 nmade me want to smash the machine with my planner. However, I lacked the
8 p% D8 f" }4 G$ Zstrength to even use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven straight
hours of the Weather Channel.

SUNDAY:
  L8 V8 ?9 a! EI'm having the church van pick me up for services today so I can go
+ `7 t& G8 X9 m/ P0 o8 y# B+ \and thank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that next year,
my wife (the other bitch), will choose a gift for me that is fun --like
a root canal or a vasectomy!

OliveOil

You are absolutely wrong! But my stomach hurts because I can't laugh out loud in the office... oh good lord...

junglebell

Lazycat

lington

root canal, I almosted end up getting one last year. Thanks to the dentist.