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If you read this without laughing out-loud, there is something) J a$ I% Q* @. \5 }; l {
wrong with you. This is dedicated to everyone who ever attempted to get/ i' Z. H% F' L
into a regular workout routine.* Q* E$ d% D# v) G& ~4 j4 c5 h2 l
8 s( t8 D. {# XDear Diary:) T1 X8 b. Y: {( i/ \
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For my fortieth birthday this year, my wife (the dear) purchased a, |3 i4 g; E4 `) B3 F* h
week of personal training at the local health club for me. Although I
% R6 Q I$ [% c z2 J" @am still in great shape since playing on my college football team 25/ E( `, b g {8 K/ `9 s% f1 s
years ago, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a( W! V3 [2 K& e/ B
try. I called the club and made my reservation with a personal trainer
" |$ x6 Q0 h8 u' @named Belinda, who identified herself as a 26 yr. old aerobics
9 n0 j: E) b& G" w* I$ Ninstructor and model for athletic clothing and swimwear.$ Y2 L' h+ T* ?5 E& x2 X
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My wife seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started! The club
' |" v1 Z! q' V" V7 ]/ R9 ` i! rencouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress.4 s+ E q+ N) o# I7 D5 j* N
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MONDAY:
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Started my day at 6 am. Tough to get out of bed, but it was well" F! \$ K* t5 V$ ^8 q
worth it when I arrived at the health club to find Belinda waiting for {2 }+ e' v# N3 W% u" r) V
me. She was something of a Greek goddess-- with blonde hair, dancing2 p; N7 f0 ?9 G$ K1 o3 `1 R$ J
eyes and a dazzling white smile. Woo Hoo!!!!!# I" ^. M. v9 V: T! j+ s# u8 _
4 P, E) c9 d, ?5 p! F/ G3 pShe took my pulse after 5 minutes on the treadmill. She was alarmed
5 \/ U! \6 B' C0 a" z5 ]7 ~that my pulse was so fast, but I attributed it to standing next to her
2 e! d2 K4 }6 ^in her Lycra aerobics outfit. I enjoyed watching the skilful way in
1 [; w4 ?' m6 G+ h6 Uwhich she conducted her aerobics class after my workout today.& a1 i9 D0 `2 S7 r! @2 k, l
/ h% d$ @* ]: t; _$ e- b- @7 GVery inspiring, Belinda was encouraging as I did my sit-ups,; G2 ]0 a/ Y# B! X" j
although my gut was already aching from holding it in the whole time she5 q1 U2 F9 v6 y. u% b5 I9 m
was around.
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This is going to be a FANTASTIC week!!
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TUESDAY:: j8 G! C+ |) @2 L( F
I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door.8 i+ Z! @* ]0 w* e* {$ M9 l9 E2 A* w
Belinda made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air,4 r! F* X$ L: _; I! ~
and then she put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the
/ c% {+ _' f: t( dtreadmill, but I made the full mile. Belinda's rewarding smile made it8 P, Z" U; h$ ~* k3 Y9 o
all worthwhile.3 `& x" f% W2 f
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I feel GREAT!! It's a whole new life for me.
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4 `7 P) M0 g4 [) V# |* Y9 `0 J; sWEDNESDAY:0 b6 ~$ w6 w V! R S0 `
The only way I can brush my teeth is by lying on the toothbrush on* @2 J& `% S2 C6 T
the counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have
( Q/ B# w: q; H2 ?+ B6 \+ m# D3 \a hernia in both pectorals. Driving was okay as long as I didn't try to
3 P6 s4 n. i+ H2 f1 zsteer or stop. Belinda was impatient with me, insisting that my screams
' E7 }7 _; {. P2 U4 Y. ]bothered the other club members. Her voice is a little too perky for
) i/ g2 k1 f/ ^0 {; @/ j# Qearly in the morning and when she scolds, she gets this nasally whine
1 G6 Y a; h/ J% ?0 Kthat is VERY annoying. My chest hurts when I got on the treadmill, so& o2 H* J/ f/ Z. ^
Belinda put me on the stair monster. Why the hell would anyone invent a- i2 ]# ]" |6 e% H
machine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by elevators? Belinda
0 S( u" _0 _9 ~ k1 A9 h: ctold me it would help me get in shape and enjoy life.
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She said some other shit too.
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THURSDAY:& }' r4 E/ E$ ?/ b1 D: F
Belinda was waiting for me with her vampire-like teeth exposed as4 `% r. |5 c: [! a
her thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn't help, A2 Q7 m5 \1 D. h# ]; T7 d, f
being a half hour late; it took me that long to tie my shoes. Belinda% y q) ~ _# ~8 g1 E8 i
took me to workout with dumbbells. When she was not looking, I ran and
6 f7 p' G7 X, ~ zhid in the men's room.3 b# E, |1 ^+ d& x- V
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She sent Lars to find me, then, as punishment, put me on the rowing, W0 V9 E) j9 H, L8 e5 E$ c
machine -- which I sank.
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2 t& a- J+ F' X" j7 F1 _4 J" NFRIDAY:6 k. F% @; B0 }4 x/ k
I hate that bitch Belinda more than any human being has ever hated* c2 D+ e7 i7 z4 q& b
any other human being in the history of the world. Stupid, skinny,% B( E& t7 I+ a
anemic little cheerleading bitch. If there were a part of my body I4 z) y; {, g8 g: k6 t
could move without unbearable pain, I would beat her with it. Belinda
9 S5 U+ K5 g1 x2 [7 }. Twanted me to work on my triceps. I don't have any triceps!- H, H* D- T9 X) z, k) c1 q T+ G
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And if you don't want dents in the floor, don't hand me
7 t% F. [ D' Y) \ z3 q( Z1 k7 Nthe*&%#(#&** barbells or anything that weighs more than a sandwich.1 U+ a0 X) e! [( l4 R& M
' k/ k* J0 K4 s; a2 RThe treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and nutrition
: b" [0 d. z' s! D' dteacher. Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like the drama coach
' A) l# Z' f2 [" {* m O, L3 yor the choir director?
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SATURDAY:
( z+ Z/ \3 o( _Belinda left a message on my answering machine in her grating,% t+ E% G# }2 `: j# Z8 N
shrilly voice wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing her8 Z; l% o* O( z% ~: _2 A2 t
made me want to smash the machine with my planner. However, I lacked the
& x( d) S5 Q! m2 L: zstrength to even use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven straight
, c/ W }4 X! h7 ~7 Jhours of the Weather Channel.
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SUNDAY:3 O8 R# O/ h! F I
I'm having the church van pick me up for services today so I can go; `. ~5 P& k6 [4 M0 N I
and thank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that next year,
S* g( S5 e2 R/ Omy wife (the other bitch), will choose a gift for me that is fun --like
D- `, U3 ^+ I& u) G" _" {% g7 [a root canal or a vasectomy! |
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狗仔卡
发表于 2008-1-22 12:49
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发表于 2008-1-22 13:23
