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If you read this without laughing out-loud, there is something0 `& S/ a# \, s9 |9 V
wrong with you. This is dedicated to everyone who ever attempted to get! `/ V4 D: u* U. F7 x
into a regular workout routine.# A' @0 g2 }, p" ~ P# E
5 L R, W0 H* f) e4 t2 WDear Diary:3 x q. R+ U5 G- v8 Y3 j/ i9 A& z
- S0 n! Z7 Q, U1 [For my fortieth birthday this year, my wife (the dear) purchased a7 Z7 x: \, D) N
week of personal training at the local health club for me. Although I
/ t7 C2 c( ]7 A$ N" `am still in great shape since playing on my college football team 25' ?% d$ P+ Q6 f P
years ago, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a* B! ?# P+ _, D$ S! ]3 P- _) n0 C' `
try. I called the club and made my reservation with a personal trainer- B, {8 J; \- F; ^1 c$ o; ^
named Belinda, who identified herself as a 26 yr. old aerobics$ J; {* g2 ^0 d: X
instructor and model for athletic clothing and swimwear.6 M% e$ I5 R" c4 w% R. V
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My wife seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started! The club* e5 W: y( O& s) y8 U+ g
encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress.
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MONDAY:/ f: o7 t; ^* t# x
B$ h2 }. Z$ \ e& Y1 v( C* EStarted my day at 6 am. Tough to get out of bed, but it was well) _* C. O5 ?+ d- t
worth it when I arrived at the health club to find Belinda waiting for
: ?( Q# d; I9 B/ Jme. She was something of a Greek goddess-- with blonde hair, dancing
- \7 z+ B8 ?8 Jeyes and a dazzling white smile. Woo Hoo!!!!!
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$ B: b% {: x ]7 dShe took my pulse after 5 minutes on the treadmill. She was alarmed2 v A' N* _' W8 m+ @0 \ P" f
that my pulse was so fast, but I attributed it to standing next to her
0 t- B3 U2 v3 B3 [4 x6 p2 Zin her Lycra aerobics outfit. I enjoyed watching the skilful way in0 N/ P; ]$ t6 U& q i
which she conducted her aerobics class after my workout today.+ p0 S- J( E* [/ v3 v0 g
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Very inspiring, Belinda was encouraging as I did my sit-ups,
6 ?* V7 {5 ~7 X) Halthough my gut was already aching from holding it in the whole time she8 C G! \: J* H$ o0 W+ g8 D
was around.1 f8 u4 o* s; u1 s" n2 L7 F
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This is going to be a FANTASTIC week!!
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TUESDAY:
" F" S d5 Q+ @) PI drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door.
$ n) E. l5 H+ R3 X1 \4 F6 OBelinda made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air,; l- \( G/ Y; d
and then she put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the
" U, a5 K: G( Ztreadmill, but I made the full mile. Belinda's rewarding smile made it( _; z, J$ v3 C0 L2 G: n) t
all worthwhile.: c% Q4 T# ?7 o5 ^) L m* x$ _
" M5 ^- m }% m p! O; q% ~! }+ r2 EI feel GREAT!! It's a whole new life for me.
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: x/ i8 j) J! D' a" J* \WEDNESDAY:
3 c1 e& n! s2 |4 L% Z8 DThe only way I can brush my teeth is by lying on the toothbrush on* d! N \3 z5 F. g9 j- u+ e
the counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have
% G( ^9 o$ C1 D* r, _# \* Z# Fa hernia in both pectorals. Driving was okay as long as I didn't try to
$ I6 M9 H* R( a9 C3 |- _. Qsteer or stop. Belinda was impatient with me, insisting that my screams* p s# U# Q& L$ r/ G! v
bothered the other club members. Her voice is a little too perky for" z2 Y6 p5 x* v2 l3 m) a
early in the morning and when she scolds, she gets this nasally whine
* c& U# b1 ^2 L9 Wthat is VERY annoying. My chest hurts when I got on the treadmill, so8 U4 Z+ y- |( m3 z
Belinda put me on the stair monster. Why the hell would anyone invent a
( b5 @, r; V+ ~3 r' O: e+ vmachine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by elevators? Belinda, q( L/ q# P8 Z
told me it would help me get in shape and enjoy life.+ e C, C: U1 `6 M f7 x
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She said some other shit too.
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7 R6 |, N3 U: F/ h& ~THURSDAY:
1 f3 @, u/ d1 h, q7 WBelinda was waiting for me with her vampire-like teeth exposed as
0 \9 C0 w& S6 S0 S0 b0 O5 Kher thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn't help
I4 M& U) r2 W2 B4 vbeing a half hour late; it took me that long to tie my shoes. Belinda
[- [% d4 ~) |) A, x% utook me to workout with dumbbells. When she was not looking, I ran and' i. j; ^4 p5 C' e
hid in the men's room.3 p+ A* T, M" L: `
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She sent Lars to find me, then, as punishment, put me on the rowing
+ a8 o/ S8 O6 s" Vmachine -- which I sank.
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FRIDAY:
% M- j# l/ A5 nI hate that bitch Belinda more than any human being has ever hated7 @" d: B( x) `* F3 X
any other human being in the history of the world. Stupid, skinny,2 ^4 X8 g- T) H- d J
anemic little cheerleading bitch. If there were a part of my body I2 E1 e8 {; @7 |1 r7 n' E
could move without unbearable pain, I would beat her with it. Belinda) T6 Q4 s7 ?3 H; f: U* l0 @
wanted me to work on my triceps. I don't have any triceps!# b8 t6 ~; [( ?" i& N
0 V. A- I( g# z0 j0 F0 X# }And if you don't want dents in the floor, don't hand me
1 J$ p& k5 F3 E9 _' s" s+ y3 Hthe*&%#(#&** barbells or anything that weighs more than a sandwich.# f2 J* S5 E9 Z9 w: ~6 y a
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The treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and nutrition: ]) \* Z j' |5 b
teacher. Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like the drama coach
1 J) D- _" L$ B) y4 v- @3 Ror the choir director?
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SATURDAY:4 A4 d6 L! n4 O
Belinda left a message on my answering machine in her grating,+ e" `% U) M# X
shrilly voice wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing her* }$ y Y2 H% D
made me want to smash the machine with my planner. However, I lacked the
$ C6 w, M0 @. |/ g6 h* z) W5 Zstrength to even use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven straight
0 e. L5 G5 f( l3 ~3 zhours of the Weather Channel.0 w3 U8 }& O7 F$ q
9 |, Z) z' A( USUNDAY:9 F, i8 H$ g5 N" c& B
I'm having the church van pick me up for services today so I can go
* l3 L( `! ]! R/ mand thank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that next year,) n0 L( x/ ?- N# j2 [
my wife (the other bitch), will choose a gift for me that is fun --like
- O! U1 x, o0 a. x2 `a root canal or a vasectomy! |
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狗仔卡
发表于 2008-1-22 12:49
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发表于 2008-1-22 13:23
