WEEK AT THE GYM

小叶子

If you read this without laughing out-loud, there is something
wrong with you. This is dedicated to everyone who ever attempted to get
into a regular workout routine.

Dear Diary:
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1 \+ S% I/ S, q! p! SFor my fortieth birthday this year, my wife (the dear) purchased a
+ F+ s- J& C2 N8 W6 ]week of personal training at the local health club for me. Although I
am still in great shape since playing on my college football team 25
years ago, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a
try. I called the club and made my reservation with a personal trainer
named Belinda, who identified herself as a 26 yr. old aerobics
, Q/ P1 @1 t6 y* K4 |2 binstructor and model for athletic clothing and swimwear.
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My wife seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started! The club
encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress.
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MONDAY:
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Started my day at 6 am. Tough to get out of bed, but it was well
) t2 ]1 j+ j  Y# A3 eworth it when I arrived at the health club to find Belinda waiting for
me. She was something of a Greek goddess-- with blonde hair, dancing
/ z- Q* y" Z  K! r- e. Q. yeyes and a dazzling white smile. Woo Hoo!!!!!

She took my pulse after 5 minutes on the treadmill. She was alarmed
4 M) B4 d+ Z8 @1 p. `/ l; dthat my pulse was so fast, but I attributed it to standing next to her
* v  {" e2 S/ Min her Lycra aerobics outfit. I enjoyed watching the skilful way in
, r  V1 B7 Z* q8 jwhich she conducted her aerobics class after my workout today.

Very inspiring, Belinda was encouraging as I did my sit-ups,
$ n/ x) t! S* G" L9 @! G! oalthough my gut was already aching from holding it in the whole time she
was around.
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This is going to be a FANTASTIC week!!
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* Q6 X3 l8 C$ D  m+ sTUESDAY:
I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door.
. ]. d9 c( ^- c$ r) @: pBelinda made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air,
and then she put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the
/ n9 x; _8 ?' ^& Jtreadmill, but I made the full mile. Belinda's rewarding smile made it
all worthwhile.

I feel GREAT!! It's a whole new life for me.

# Z+ h2 `/ m$ I8 O6 C' [  A  GWEDNESDAY:
The only way I can brush my teeth is by lying on the toothbrush on
* X5 h% `0 Y4 Q$ cthe counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have
+ A3 d( F+ F$ `) K( L, Ta hernia in both pectorals. Driving was okay as long as I didn't try to
steer or stop. Belinda was impatient with me, insisting that my screams
! @' ~% D: A* h# nbothered the other club members. Her voice is a little too perky for
early in the morning and when she scolds, she gets this nasally whine
3 y& J! d* M  m2 A0 ~that is VERY annoying. My chest hurts when I got on the treadmill, so
Belinda put me on the stair monster. Why the hell would anyone invent a
* y5 V3 p9 p$ M+ ?' x+ u% smachine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by elevators? Belinda
told me it would help me get in shape and enjoy life.

She said some other shit too.

0 Z! z. a: C4 i- M7 eTHURSDAY:
; K: ~8 B6 |: N' A' EBelinda was waiting for me with her vampire-like teeth exposed as
her thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn't help
5 |7 j( I% ]5 v, jbeing a half hour late; it took me that long to tie my shoes. Belinda
took me to workout with dumbbells. When she was not looking, I ran and
hid in the men's room.
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She sent Lars to find me, then, as punishment, put me on the rowing
/ ], G6 Z% O5 F/ m. s! emachine -- which I sank.
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FRIDAY:
I hate that bitch Belinda more than any human being has ever hated
any other human being in the history of the world. Stupid, skinny,
0 j) [. ^2 @$ F$ w# }) J# \$ |. eanemic little cheerleading bitch. If there were a part of my body I
could move without unbearable pain, I would beat her with it. Belinda
wanted me to work on my triceps. I don't have any triceps!
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  M3 ]* \* ~  xAnd if you don't want dents in the floor, don't hand me
  O) ?2 p  V4 F' k5 X: sthe*&%#(#&** barbells or anything that weighs more than a sandwich.

The treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and nutrition
teacher. Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like the drama coach
or the choir director?
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8 A" t; B) _* Y& h0 b" `% J) jSATURDAY:
Belinda left a message on my answering machine in her grating,
; K; l: F" W  ?  {: O, m+ X- Mshrilly voice wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing her
made me want to smash the machine with my planner. However, I lacked the
& O% L* n5 v  W4 n0 N- rstrength to even use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven straight
; D% w! K0 }3 fhours of the Weather Channel.
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SUNDAY:
+ i2 v$ N; s: J" I; Z3 jI'm having the church van pick me up for services today so I can go
1 h  }. I$ D9 Z2 V. o& Jand thank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that next year,
my wife (the other bitch), will choose a gift for me that is fun --like
  x% ?/ k0 m: Fa root canal or a vasectomy!

OliveOil

You are absolutely wrong! But my stomach hurts because I can't laugh out loud in the office... oh good lord...

junglebell

Lazycat

lington

root canal, I almosted end up getting one last year. Thanks to the dentist.