Modern Definitions

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The Washington Post publishes a yearly contest in which readers are asked to invent alternate meanings for various words.

' `( ]! G2 ^7 q6 `' G8 t% bThe following were some of this year’s winning entries:
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1. Coffee (n.), a person who is coughed upon.
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" v+ V/ u8 e6 S6 `; b9 h2. Flabbergasted (adj.), appalled over how much weight you have .
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; B  e# d# Y3 C: E: X3. Abdicate (v.), to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.

4. Esplanade (v.), to attempt an explanation while drunk.

( i5 V& l2 z) s2 q* b/ X5. Willy-nilly (adj.), impotent
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) _# N, [. v: O6. Negligent (adj.), describes a condition in which you absentmindedly answer the door in your nightie.
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7. Lymph (v.), to walk with a lisp.

8. Gargoyle (n.), an olive-flavoured mouthwash.
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9. Flatulence (n.) the emergency vehicle that picks you up after you are run over by a steamroller.

10. Balderdash (n.), a rapidly receding hairline.

11. Testicle (n.), a humorous question on an exam.

; T" h5 \2 G! P12. Rectitude (n.), the formal, dignified demeanour assumed by a proctologist immediately before he examines you.

7 u) v1 _' }# j. P: _: J13. Oyster (n.), a person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddish expressions.
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14. Circumvent (n.), the opening in the front of boxer shorts.

15. Frisbeetarianism (n.), The belief that, when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck there.
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16. Pokemon (n.), A Jamaican proctologist.