Modern Definitions

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The Washington Post publishes a yearly contest in which readers are asked to invent alternate meanings for various words.
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7 a" s* o  B! w" xThe following were some of this year’s winning entries:

8 N! M* A9 M9 _8 j8 h1. Coffee (n.), a person who is coughed upon.

; O4 ^+ G. P  n( j4 ]4 U2. Flabbergasted (adj.), appalled over how much weight you have .

3 R2 b( S% S6 \+ C# N, L* I3. Abdicate (v.), to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.

' D  E4 _6 z- A; J9 h( y" i" E4. Esplanade (v.), to attempt an explanation while drunk.
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5. Willy-nilly (adj.), impotent

6. Negligent (adj.), describes a condition in which you absentmindedly answer the door in your nightie.

$ k9 p* H' Q7 M* X, T5 _7. Lymph (v.), to walk with a lisp.
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8. Gargoyle (n.), an olive-flavoured mouthwash.

! [& n9 Y# @/ h: l5 M6 K9 O9. Flatulence (n.) the emergency vehicle that picks you up after you are run over by a steamroller.

7 J" P: D: f* E' M8 b10. Balderdash (n.), a rapidly receding hairline.

* ]$ p6 F9 ~2 m# A. r. d; A11. Testicle (n.), a humorous question on an exam.
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9 w, S/ ~8 K8 X12. Rectitude (n.), the formal, dignified demeanour assumed by a proctologist immediately before he examines you.
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13. Oyster (n.), a person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddish expressions.
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* A, q/ [! v; s# h1 B14. Circumvent (n.), the opening in the front of boxer shorts.
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15. Frisbeetarianism (n.), The belief that, when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck there.

( V' }. s/ ]* c# d6 J+ b16. Pokemon (n.), A Jamaican proctologist.