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我今天刚写的英文诗, 高手给提提意见

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发表于 2008-12-21 12:21 | 显示全部楼层 |阅读模式
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
Falling in love8 q# N6 B' t2 u+ ~0 \( @

" l4 L) i! m# a6 {7 R$ p8 L. {3 EI fell in love with you 8 D  C) b; t8 z' |+ T) [# w
At the first week we met
) a- p- q  ?, c/ {) B; I- V7 Z" A  O+ c6 v+ I, @
You have charm, you have looks% U$ f* o1 V4 K$ l; W1 }
with full of pimples in face. k, m' Y$ X0 m
As spotting sky at a summer night
1 ^- y/ p$ T1 K5 E, Q' aThey are shining stars% o/ R4 C, w; T% T- _! F& O
7 n1 Y  Y/ T: B. c) U
Your lip is so big
" i  b/ H, F1 }And that’s good for a kiss  _6 m  [: b0 t& ^1 ]  d
Your body is chubby
0 w6 K( Z" O8 |. g5 NAnd that is good for sex
! F* R8 H: m. {8 x6 D+ Y) k- k4 T% J0 p; Z4 O; [
I was deeply in love7 O7 Z8 d9 A. c( g8 Q6 a  S- [
Everything from you is positive
; S0 s* C8 L2 C5 ]. J# Z6 pYou blame me everything and everyday7 \9 C7 j! l: h3 s7 V% F$ _
And I think all girls sound like
: D0 W. F3 ]' j4 \9 D0 X4 N8 |5 V8 W- W( {9 M- ~; Y
You could not stand my eating
' j- b- Z" g( s# _( G& H( A' @Saying no good for making funny sound
2 t" y  Z9 b$ s$ g6 c* o8 wI think you are perfectly right' e. U# h4 D# K( m
Eating with sound is a pig; N% `& J% f9 v

! a* f% \' L+ c+ k8 oI fell in love with you ; I& W  ]- v( \& x0 q3 P8 l* l" Q
Become a fool to think
0 ]4 ~& _! c& m2 C% uAll trouble things you did7 s3 a: \( f3 v5 q
And that is the price for love3 c$ X, Z! J. i
! @% o6 H& L3 @2 F
you are deeply in love! ?7 D# S: B4 c% {3 e% ?8 H7 a* u
Everything from me is negative
" C  d! i4 O$ l"My man should be like this,* \2 A1 U6 d: b3 q- U+ A9 e; {
and I am helping you to improve'7 x6 j5 T' Z4 r( i9 L5 P; t
7 e$ {2 Y+ o1 q! p" H  I7 Q
You are loving me
, C1 \$ n+ x  i; Q$ Bor that one in your mind?8 @1 O6 I- A3 S6 i
My mind is like a mud
5 R. t3 S8 l& ncan be shaped whatever you want
1 P; J7 F2 l& B9 X/ F. p
! j* J3 L! w, p3 B, u) |1 V7 wunfortunalety not my heart- x+ C8 v2 I2 J4 n7 G9 j
It is slashed by you ! s+ G2 E3 p1 F& d, _$ i: G
and I am seriously hurt& M" {; M/ ~4 `0 e* v# F  ^

' y  ^) g) R8 Y9 ?, K" j2 ^% x  Z; gI will never love another . t  Y7 @$ I, g9 o* }2 @" ~, o% s
If my heart can be fixed
鲜花(657) 鸡蛋(3)
发表于 2008-12-21 19:53 | 显示全部楼层
my english is so poor, can't understand your meaning.
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发表于 2008-12-21 19:57 | 显示全部楼层
这个,能不能叫情人眼里出西施,连小痘痘都升级作STAR了=。=
大型搬家
鲜花(40) 鸡蛋(1)
发表于 2008-12-21 20:46 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队 追求完美
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 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-22 17:44 | 显示全部楼层
原帖由 冰山上的来客 于 2008-12-21 19:53 发表
- v# S* X" z" ?: V+ t9 _6 Rmy english is so poor, can't understand your meaning.

  h! [4 H; j" B6 Z7 T/ D( I( H
, a  a2 }  X; k咱可是请高手指点, 你都不明白, 我看就算了吧
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发表于 2008-12-22 18:06 | 显示全部楼层
配上卡萨布兰卡的旋律就可以唱了,呵呵
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 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-22 21:34 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
楼上, 卡萨布兰卡的歌好听吗?
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发表于 2008-12-23 19:24 | 显示全部楼层

楼主的诗很雷人

强!强!强!SEX!SEX!SEX!
4 q$ {# J. f  p. p不过像我这种对中文诗都没有什么研究的人,对贵作就更不敢胡言乱语啦!顶一下。
鲜花(0) 鸡蛋(0)
发表于 2008-12-24 07:04 | 显示全部楼层
sweeite,
, _( M; F% P* F+ g: z7 Oi am sorry to say that ur poem sucks.
- F, ?5 ?' W1 W6 jAnd this is something I change. Whatever left r too sucky to be changed
" Y& |) v! O5 I+ Y: C. V5 `# ^
+ m0 d1 r1 D, a2 w) K- swith the charm,1 z% `/ l/ _  ~( P  s( y1 Q
with the simles.5 \1 c3 ^. [& i! W7 x8 |4 N: `& o- y/ g
I fell in love with you & F3 G  C  y. k$ X3 h7 W" H
In the first sign.1 K( [1 p5 e  q+ M( ?6 S
As spotting sky at a summer 6 Y  T$ J, o" Y9 _: u

3 s; k$ o9 {! S' M1 B$ iYour lip is so soft
$ n4 O6 ^9 F, X; A7 q7 tthere is not honey can sweeter than ur kiss' M+ ^* ~; c; B
Your body is so sexy
# G" x2 n  G0 a0 c$ W; P' ]! K& NAnd I cannt image the moment I  touch u.
0 ^5 W% G/ v! `
% x  l  |4 k5 F9 wI am deeply in love
# W: B+ k6 E& C5 O: z$ ]Everything from you is so charming
" [  x- V3 s% x* m7 oalthough You r so picky for me 3 t( |+ Q0 l# d8 [
And I take them as ur buttefly feelings.
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发表于 2008-12-24 07:16 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
THis is the poem in SNTC S2 and it is not a good one 2.' F# \$ g! h  z2 ^2 n
But u can copy the way how she ranges the poem
! |6 {7 Z) d- D2 D6 d# j5 G! P4 P6 \

5 g$ o8 g+ {) a  w# JHis hello is the end of her endings
! ?' q: _% ~7 c6 Z, DHer laugh is their first step down  the aisle
1 u3 I) [  ~! o- oHis hand would be hers to hold forever1 e+ V6 j0 k+ N% H1 m) h
His forever is simply as her smile " N5 @$ I1 W3 d, M2 l* @( R" B
He said she was what was missing
' X. p+ H9 I4 n$ B. ^: J9 E/ U# BShe said instantly she knew
  S6 A6 M( t' D( iShe was a question to be answered
8 {# c; Q) f4 u, w1 o$ p9 z' FAnd his answer is
6 N& q8 k3 _8 `' J! c. }I do
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 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-24 14:37 | 显示全部楼层
Rain bow, you are so right. You improved it , and now it is much better. Seems you also like poems. that is good and wish to keep in touch with each other. Merry Xmas* _$ f! S( h6 z5 @( {
) `4 X. ~" ^! D) r, S5 l
Below is my new one, any comment?
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 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-24 14:38 | 显示全部楼层
It’s amazing how I felt
/ u' a6 c4 }5 F5 s1 w0 I" J3 R  I7 _. D
It's amazing how I felt   j5 X; J8 Z. w+ S3 L
when I was with you' v' S. f9 @( h$ ^/ H+ a
My heart beat so fast
4 m% E" Q6 j9 w, }" i0 CI looked at you and thought/ s4 Z7 c' _! N9 U
Holy Jesus, you were so cute
8 A( ~, q2 j$ ~9 D+ _% F0 P- R9 |5 P; y. c1 y8 Z6 a" h
You left me without a word
: n. d1 Q6 B8 ~' cI have nothing except my emptiness; E0 }6 F+ [# X
My mood is like a cloud
5 h2 m7 ?3 Q2 p; G3 V$ AHow could it be dispersed?5 ~& K% k" l+ [% R$ G' a5 O, U: Z4 T

% `( G6 u, `, \, u2 }Feelings bite my heart 0 X. ^+ a' N- N' H
You are the right one I wait
* B4 O' _7 W+ J4 D% P5 G: pIn the depth of my soul, I/ Q4 _; K+ D" y$ t6 J2 K& J
I will love you till I'm dead
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发表于 2008-12-24 15:24 | 显示全部楼层
同言同羽 置业良晨
闻一多怎么说来着,诗歌有音乐美,建筑美,绘画美! U( h0 G% `5 P/ G% z9 W, {2 Q
你的就是白花文,而且很多英文的用法根本不地道
/ \5 c. g  P2 f1 s5 Q6 a( g' f$ s就和用中文写一次. l8 _$ F& ?  Y6 c: [5 h
阿,我爱你
* `9 w2 d1 S/ S- E2 Y你让我心跳好快. M7 E& v0 v2 d& W
你让我脸发热: q+ F0 d2 l3 G& o2 x, D
我爱上你的大嘴唇
- k1 _. x2 M" {0 hXXXXX
: A3 }4 |/ b$ d. O, L. X不知道你能不能受得了这样的中文呢?) b) D% i+ J3 F9 ?. X5 k
2 b* s- d. {# U0 a7 Y1 _% h# K% N
如果你写得如此白话文的话,不如向你喜欢的女子写封LOVE LETTER4 r7 e) S4 n* N% }4 q
至于,你最缺乏的意境,强烈要求你参考我给你贴的诗歌, 看看别人怎么用最白话的文字,写出有绘画美,建筑美和音乐美的东西
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发表于 2008-12-24 15:31 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
楼主的湿,绝对要赞一个,那叫做雷死人不要钱!强就一个字!!!!
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 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-24 16:03 | 显示全部楼层
原帖由 therainbow 于 2008-12-24 15:24 发表
# o% y7 D9 M9 L+ m. P8 x闻一多怎么说来着,诗歌有音乐美,建筑美,绘画美! q. ^0 \  |" \; a$ r
你的就是白花文,而且很多英文的用法根本不地道
/ ?3 [  e4 G+ F4 q7 k就和用中文写一次
1 C0 |' V/ Z  f5 \阿,我爱你
& J3 t, b5 V4 j0 K' C( r你让我心跳好快
7 W! b  B! R3 j3 Q% b你让我脸发热/ T2 o/ c( \0 q: R# z% c' C
我爱上你的大嘴唇
. I" y& E2 m) k0 dXXXXX  A, V' i) o5 v3 W. `. i
不知道你能不能受得了这样的 ...

, k; d9 f# g" L! d: `  v0 _6 ?9 [: X) G
靠, 你要是不爱女人的厚嘴唇和性感的身体的话, 难道你会爱女人的脚趾头和胳胳窝不成?
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发表于 2008-12-25 00:13 | 显示全部楼层
恩,我无语了
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发表于 2008-12-25 07:37 | 显示全部楼层
同言同羽 置业良晨
这也叫诗,勇气大大的.
鲜花(1115) 鸡蛋(0)
发表于 2008-12-25 12:22 | 显示全部楼层
Match the following Song! Casablanca.& K; x, H( J5 h! u
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发表于 2008-12-25 16:55 | 显示全部楼层
鲜花(120) 鸡蛋(0)
发表于 2008-12-31 02:08 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
码字能连句,转行也成诗。。。
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