我今天刚写的英文诗, 高手给提提意见

我在故我思

Falling in love

I fell in love with you
4 m8 s4 G, f3 e3 V: w# k( q& R( l* VAt the first week we met

You have charm, you have looks
with full of pimples in face
As spotting sky at a summer night
They are shining stars

Your lip is so big
/ K0 G9 q6 i5 a# m! `And that’s good for a kiss
Your body is chubby
And that is good for sex
$ m2 s: ]/ a# N
- q+ c! T8 T. H! ]% nI was deeply in love
! b' y; h2 F7 Z% D+ }% C( SEverything from you is positive
* \3 G0 x2 c& J* f1 OYou blame me everything and everyday
And I think all girls sound like
3 o2 d! @- ~3 u9 m
You could not stand my eating
Saying no good for making funny sound
I think you are perfectly right
Eating with sound is a pig

I fell in love with you
Become a fool to think
* K5 I6 L4 H0 t# o* y0 c- t" x* TAll trouble things you did
And that is the price for love
! q3 t- {. T! ]" h, w3 w
2 ]+ ~) l. ^  ?6 U( G: cyou are deeply in love
Everything from me is negative
"My man should be like this,
: P) s- R& S3 N. h2 t7 oand I am helping you to improve'

You are loving me
: ~7 b* f6 b( R* M& X/ J% g6 c1 Qor that one in your mind?
6 x& f2 {7 |8 m+ o8 O; @- \4 d; pMy mind is like a mud
+ ^% D  j6 b2 Vcan be shaped whatever you want

& d  [/ {$ z. b" I& ]% q$ {unfortunalety not my heart
: |$ w! x; ^0 o. ], ZIt is slashed by you
. U4 l2 c: f4 [* Land I am seriously hurt
  M  i8 r! L. _7 Q0 I
I will never love another
If my heart can be fixed

冰山上的来客

my english is so poor, can't understand your meaning.

米兔丫

这个，能不能叫情人眼里出西施，连小痘痘都升级作STAR了＝。＝

犀牛图拉

我在故我思

原帖由 冰山上的来客 于 2008-12-21 19:53 发表
my english is so poor, can't understand your meaning.

6 a; Q4 F+ |7 D; @
咱可是请高手指点, 你都不明白, 我看就算了吧

肆贰叁

配上卡萨布兰卡的旋律就可以唱了，呵呵

我在故我思

楼上, 卡萨布兰卡的歌好听吗?

raymont

强！强！强！SEX!SEX!SEX!
+ Q( i' f2 d/ i  h- ]$ Y$ f不过像我这种对中文诗都没有什么研究的人，对贵作就更不敢胡言乱语啦！顶一下。

therainbow

sweeite,
i am sorry to say that ur poem sucks.
And this is something I change. Whatever left r too sucky to be changed

with the charm,
0 r$ h  W* p! ~+ O1 Y% Kwith the simles.
3 S" q) B' [0 r4 p1 GI fell in love with you
In the first sign.
As spotting sky at a summer
# f4 N! u: |, F
Your lip is so soft
there is not honey can sweeter than ur kiss
- S. U  w  k4 i( M4 KYour body is so sexy
0 D; W- L! _. L; ?0 `0 w7 hAnd I cannt image the moment I  touch u.

2 c1 F' \8 h6 h5 YI am deeply in love
Everything from you is so charming
although You r so picky for me
And I take them as ur buttefly feelings.

therainbow

THis is the poem in SNTC S2 and it is not a good one 2.
But u can copy the way how she ranges the poem


. [& }4 z; l. jHis hello is the end of her endings
6 u: Z' E7 k. l$ I# V+ vHer laugh is their first step down  the aisle
His hand would be hers to hold forever
6 w) }! r! T, i) W- Y5 j! i# h/ H3 @His forever is simply as her smile
He said she was what was missing
* Y7 U6 P6 u1 c& t) fShe said instantly she knew
She was a question to be answered
$ J0 L/ ?! m) F4 V$ yAnd his answer is
I do

我在故我思

Rain bow, you are so right. You improved it , and now it is much better. Seems you also like poems. that is good and wish to keep in touch with each other. Merry Xmas

3 I8 q# q& m2 u) m9 Q6 f& ]5 _Below is my new one, any comment?

我在故我思

It’s amazing how I felt
1 Y5 V* g' B9 ?0 q2 [
It's amazing how I felt
when I was with you
My heart beat so fast
I looked at you and thought
Holy Jesus, you were so cute

- W+ q4 m3 h3 |5 u, t3 lYou left me without a word
" v% d/ q! q2 n3 l4 k( k0 _- H% \I have nothing except my emptiness
My mood is like a cloud
How could it be dispersed?
0 a8 c; ?. c5 Y: [' }
& {" b  e% @! Q& b' Y+ A; IFeelings bite my heart
4 ?' S" j) h( Y5 V$ M- ~! T: jYou are the right one I wait
In the depth of my soul
0 {9 j! V% N) D$ Y4 bI will love you till I'm dead

therainbow

闻一多怎么说来着,诗歌有音乐美,建筑美,绘画美
你的就是白花文,而且很多英文的用法根本不地道
; t5 z# u% ^% m( ^/ @8 V就和用中文写一次
$ {7 Q/ W. {7 n& h$ E1 X. X阿,我爱你
$ e4 P* c. S0 Y& j, H) ]你让我心跳好快
你让我脸发热
我爱上你的大嘴唇
" z5 ^1 w  x( x1 i$ m7 I( o9 OXXXXX
不知道你能不能受得了这样的中文呢?
6 |  Y* \- W0 k+ w0 Y2 \
- P0 B) q7 c8 S: Z2 ~如果你写得如此白话文的话,不如向你喜欢的女子写封LOVE LETTER
9 t+ M: ?; u6 d- Q; e" O至于,你最缺乏的意境,强烈要求你参考我给你贴的诗歌, 看看别人怎么用最白话的文字,写出有绘画美,建筑美和音乐美的东西

蓝言雪

楼主的湿，绝对要赞一个，那叫做雷死人不要钱！强就一个字！！！！

我在故我思

原帖由 therainbow 于 2008-12-24 15:24 发表
) m; f: W. S& \% ~闻一多怎么说来着,诗歌有音乐美,建筑美,绘画美
你的就是白花文,而且很多英文的用法根本不地道
就和用中文写一次
阿,我爱你
你让我心跳好快
你让我脸发热
我爱上你的大嘴唇
7 h/ H* R/ X4 T7 K3 W* JXXXXX
不知道你能不能受得了这样的 ...

靠, 你要是不爱女人的厚嘴唇和性感的身体的话, 难道你会爱女人的脚趾头和胳胳窝不成?

therainbow

恩,我无语了

ram

这也叫诗,勇气大大的.

费莫

Match the following Song! Casablanca.
! e& O& Q, y) v8 U+ o% ?$ \# {

爱中成长

竟陵残雪

码字能连句，转行也成诗。。。