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我今天刚写的英文诗, 高手给提提意见

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发表于 2008-12-21 12:21 | 显示全部楼层 |阅读模式
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
Falling in love) l4 g7 b9 p; v. x- H3 U! |
4 |" S9 K6 Y7 ^5 V
I fell in love with you
6 k9 T8 a$ R5 @5 @+ v& y; UAt the first week we met; s& h& i) G/ b4 P5 }& o6 H/ ~/ X

, G+ U7 C- S' D0 n7 n8 [You have charm, you have looks7 l/ z% V! Q/ `3 q0 V4 G3 f+ a
with full of pimples in face+ v) w# ?2 s! }$ y: ?* N1 j, |% h. b
As spotting sky at a summer night
$ B+ z* O. l( m: k, oThey are shining stars9 E6 O* F! d" H
' Y2 h* e  C8 D9 \, i
Your lip is so big  k8 v" i3 j- ?0 o9 i5 g& ]% t
And that’s good for a kiss  _  U  i* b! ~& O  B8 Y
Your body is chubby
1 u" ~% o* W4 _$ k% A) PAnd that is good for sex* _3 G( E" o- U7 p' s

; Z/ M* u2 Q7 U6 h  T1 h- q9 B1 nI was deeply in love
1 {1 G  e/ v; _8 [/ s0 Q- Y4 iEverything from you is positive
8 P3 `% H/ h( [9 y- YYou blame me everything and everyday: `  a9 S7 J+ [3 }) @; b: j4 z5 K+ p
And I think all girls sound like
+ V: c1 A+ D6 |- X0 `0 b; L
" N8 a+ V/ E! SYou could not stand my eating4 ]6 q- s8 f& {1 P
Saying no good for making funny sound$ D; z2 O1 c" v3 [% w: M; D" p% b
I think you are perfectly right
0 G& P  G1 K7 j& NEating with sound is a pig
% Z4 `7 j, l% b( u8 c6 k: u' |, g7 `
: F* G8 s7 x9 PI fell in love with you 2 O- Z  J* [# g
Become a fool to think
4 o. d5 e( c! }# cAll trouble things you did! o: t/ X, N! y7 }
And that is the price for love+ H: q: V1 s5 ?. f4 y, [, c

+ e; U4 R5 E& w  @5 }9 U( e8 Qyou are deeply in love9 N7 |& R) S* G4 u
Everything from me is negative, P5 ^& u9 Q/ B  Q
"My man should be like this,- I- M  J6 x7 ^; r
and I am helping you to improve'3 q& N/ }9 E7 d0 M; f

5 K& ^0 ~0 {  k5 V* }You are loving me 2 O  {3 \8 F1 ]% b
or that one in your mind?* W) {$ b" W' k
My mind is like a mud
6 E0 K& P0 u' h/ fcan be shaped whatever you want
: `& \! n, ?% j3 u: n6 H
$ q: w8 T8 q/ }- P/ Z7 A& Sunfortunalety not my heart$ `8 y) L" }0 k3 H; K! D) U% L0 n
It is slashed by you
" I; C1 M& h% N3 o6 {! Dand I am seriously hurt+ S4 c$ k$ v/ z8 z4 w+ |
( E: v9 T( W6 p* \8 E7 b# Q
I will never love another
: m2 j! w; U" q1 vIf my heart can be fixed
鲜花(657) 鸡蛋(3)
发表于 2008-12-21 19:53 | 显示全部楼层
my english is so poor, can't understand your meaning.
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发表于 2008-12-21 19:57 | 显示全部楼层
这个,能不能叫情人眼里出西施,连小痘痘都升级作STAR了=。=
鲜花(40) 鸡蛋(1)
发表于 2008-12-21 20:46 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队 追求完美
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 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-22 17:44 | 显示全部楼层
原帖由 冰山上的来客 于 2008-12-21 19:53 发表 1 A" o2 c* d, X( Z) b+ v
my english is so poor, can't understand your meaning.

4 Y+ r( f, s# M' I: O5 `/ [
6 ^% i5 s" H( j/ R! `8 b咱可是请高手指点, 你都不明白, 我看就算了吧
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发表于 2008-12-22 18:06 | 显示全部楼层
配上卡萨布兰卡的旋律就可以唱了,呵呵
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 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-22 21:34 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
楼上, 卡萨布兰卡的歌好听吗?
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发表于 2008-12-23 19:24 | 显示全部楼层

楼主的诗很雷人

强!强!强!SEX!SEX!SEX!  K6 B3 w  o. P: _5 Q. M( @
不过像我这种对中文诗都没有什么研究的人,对贵作就更不敢胡言乱语啦!顶一下。
大型搬家
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发表于 2008-12-24 07:04 | 显示全部楼层
sweeite,
# p6 w5 l9 v( R, @i am sorry to say that ur poem sucks." N/ O* n) m  ?" A- \# ]/ A1 i
And this is something I change. Whatever left r too sucky to be changed
2 ?: L. L" V" {% ^1 t  t( Q
2 {$ x2 C7 w2 x' wwith the charm,
4 \8 {/ B- g" _+ r$ d% Q( q% ewith the simles.+ F% V3 `9 m5 n; ~. m
I fell in love with you
* x8 p! L, C/ D" L/ K+ wIn the first sign.3 u( @& i- _* i# G
As spotting sky at a summer
0 Z; T: e& X/ \. _9 U
' N* d1 c+ J2 O, h6 vYour lip is so soft
" ~+ Q) z* q  P# {- }: Q2 Sthere is not honey can sweeter than ur kiss  r9 W4 [) x3 |, F
Your body is so sexy
# c9 t( I6 C, qAnd I cannt image the moment I  touch u.
4 j* T, T: S/ i: j0 L0 t( x0 x& c
I am deeply in love4 j9 u5 R, m, Q3 i; k, ^( x
Everything from you is so charming
1 c! M. o: L: F! v/ D% Malthough You r so picky for me % H& ~( C: G2 e8 v  d9 P  A
And I take them as ur buttefly feelings.
理袁律师事务所
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发表于 2008-12-24 07:16 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
THis is the poem in SNTC S2 and it is not a good one 2.( @" w- S6 W0 ~$ P3 I% e
But u can copy the way how she ranges the poem9 y6 ^" q$ f. n( a: m$ m' [! T) g

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/ a/ H! O: A+ j1 J0 x# MHis hello is the end of her endings: j( v' \, K7 I2 I' n+ y7 e+ S- L/ M
Her laugh is their first step down  the aisle
; k+ Y) c  i8 f3 N5 E* @8 EHis hand would be hers to hold forever
6 A$ M, m; s9 ~6 w: m, ]His forever is simply as her smile $ N6 J3 X& X6 Y* n
He said she was what was missing
3 E" ]& e; j' [7 q: {6 ?4 E) GShe said instantly she knew
6 y2 C  N% G& K- x6 v2 zShe was a question to be answered( D3 o+ o, G# F, z7 k9 X
And his answer is
" e: O* L5 E" p7 k" R: `I do
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 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-24 14:37 | 显示全部楼层
Rain bow, you are so right. You improved it , and now it is much better. Seems you also like poems. that is good and wish to keep in touch with each other. Merry Xmas
+ A7 v1 [* S( I$ T% R0 x7 l4 D9 M+ _0 c& K. z( K, P8 o
Below is my new one, any comment?
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 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-24 14:38 | 显示全部楼层
It’s amazing how I felt7 b6 H3 {) Q, T4 h
6 v) z2 w1 S' t. `5 \
It's amazing how I felt 3 r0 H, P/ M  S: B( w
when I was with you
3 t( y4 ]) Y2 Z8 ~# W; lMy heart beat so fast
+ U) ^4 m9 T* Z* o, }I looked at you and thought
: Q& U# A2 E6 Q$ d2 \Holy Jesus, you were so cute9 ~. I( R! W, b  J- b" O) w4 I

  F7 [: {' ]0 |6 J2 eYou left me without a word& {& Q$ p, k2 g# i0 u2 e
I have nothing except my emptiness
- m( _6 M. d" N! mMy mood is like a cloud
; i7 `- p2 ]2 G6 M$ z3 }' _+ |How could it be dispersed?
- w* B( D' y# ^5 G2 z, V
$ M8 X7 o/ ^3 p* s+ |3 r0 i$ UFeelings bite my heart   U" n. W. p. m. X* H# U% Q* j
You are the right one I wait( X+ ~6 M5 x8 W! x$ P3 e
In the depth of my soul
7 K. [- |1 r$ b) T) M8 U0 JI will love you till I'm dead
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发表于 2008-12-24 15:24 | 显示全部楼层
同言同羽 置业良晨
闻一多怎么说来着,诗歌有音乐美,建筑美,绘画美
6 `$ C1 X9 ~+ X5 `: J你的就是白花文,而且很多英文的用法根本不地道
6 \- R% T  Z$ v: _就和用中文写一次8 Q1 h2 f7 c& O& M& Q6 _
阿,我爱你$ ]1 k  Z  Z% L5 f+ q2 @
你让我心跳好快6 \. z7 T  k3 l
你让我脸发热
8 r7 S" g, _5 w6 r我爱上你的大嘴唇
) S  s! O! B; V6 f5 R! BXXXXX  a, l- ^0 T7 i6 d* C0 N) m
不知道你能不能受得了这样的中文呢?2 w5 B6 y2 }. @8 s
8 Z. ~1 ^/ h) @# K
如果你写得如此白话文的话,不如向你喜欢的女子写封LOVE LETTER  h4 `3 ~4 t3 k! E, [" u2 X: ?
至于,你最缺乏的意境,强烈要求你参考我给你贴的诗歌, 看看别人怎么用最白话的文字,写出有绘画美,建筑美和音乐美的东西
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发表于 2008-12-24 15:31 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
楼主的湿,绝对要赞一个,那叫做雷死人不要钱!强就一个字!!!!
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 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-24 16:03 | 显示全部楼层
原帖由 therainbow 于 2008-12-24 15:24 发表 - i) j' ]7 Q0 S5 T% D* G
闻一多怎么说来着,诗歌有音乐美,建筑美,绘画美# @8 c! H. t/ O9 D! y1 F0 B
你的就是白花文,而且很多英文的用法根本不地道' @+ H8 \9 {, L* g! d: Q- v
就和用中文写一次7 @: T# G& S: ~' t1 [
阿,我爱你
# R' Z2 N5 e; C% G你让我心跳好快
% f' t* o. h* M0 ^& g4 v/ W) j# M你让我脸发热
, Z/ j7 N! l+ V+ G: s/ V) \) D$ W! R我爱上你的大嘴唇
0 o9 c  D0 l$ oXXXXX
1 c: S* p7 q0 B8 O+ k% L* f) Y  [# f不知道你能不能受得了这样的 ...

* h* ]5 j1 e1 O5 w
0 z, V. z/ _; r0 U靠, 你要是不爱女人的厚嘴唇和性感的身体的话, 难道你会爱女人的脚趾头和胳胳窝不成?
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发表于 2008-12-25 00:13 | 显示全部楼层
恩,我无语了
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发表于 2008-12-25 07:37 | 显示全部楼层
同言同羽 置业良晨
这也叫诗,勇气大大的.
鲜花(1115) 鸡蛋(0)
发表于 2008-12-25 12:22 | 显示全部楼层
Match the following Song! Casablanca.. v0 a  y0 U. H4 s6 g# B4 x
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发表于 2008-12-25 16:55 | 显示全部楼层
鲜花(120) 鸡蛋(0)
发表于 2008-12-31 02:08 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
码字能连句,转行也成诗。。。
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