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我今天刚写的英文诗, 高手给提提意见

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鲜花(0) 鸡蛋(0)
发表于 2008-12-21 12:21 | 显示全部楼层 |阅读模式
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
Falling in love% y1 {# t$ e7 B8 T0 c  x
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I fell in love with you " R( V  o9 g  |6 A/ y
At the first week we met! c1 U" O4 x( e7 T8 W8 b
7 D: H+ R0 v) ^1 `
You have charm, you have looks1 u& U% y* m$ i1 @
with full of pimples in face6 @, o# @1 e& f
As spotting sky at a summer night
0 _- S9 E2 |( R4 I2 N! ^They are shining stars
, H7 R- f+ y9 c% z# ^
4 R1 k3 i" u1 T' K. d) `Your lip is so big
/ c2 n% N* J" m9 c* z& sAnd that’s good for a kiss
' ?8 o3 K" c0 ^: z' l+ ?Your body is chubby; Q+ A. C1 z0 o7 `0 S
And that is good for sex) O) x2 P( |5 [2 U/ E+ w: y& y
7 `) v5 i+ l0 Z5 i* R0 M& q9 Q# m
I was deeply in love
" D2 @0 E, J  ^( m1 ^6 [6 A, }Everything from you is positive
/ i3 t1 |  \% X1 CYou blame me everything and everyday
% d; Y( d! x/ w1 u; P1 RAnd I think all girls sound like
: a% ~1 a1 D9 r0 k" r4 \- o/ g- p
/ z/ z) j" \( y, n0 H* I1 E' C* SYou could not stand my eating- q$ ]  `% }1 D; d6 [! M
Saying no good for making funny sound
# H' [" O4 z0 p6 O% BI think you are perfectly right
+ [8 r/ v) o! i; }Eating with sound is a pig! L4 z+ Q% g1 @, A
+ l. I" e2 y8 w8 n, O+ C
I fell in love with you
* F8 r8 x* X3 k" KBecome a fool to think
6 m  \- I* r4 yAll trouble things you did
% t2 `8 S; u# k1 k, [And that is the price for love
' d' r8 }( f. i- Y" e' ^5 G: {5 h. C3 ~4 C; n3 D
you are deeply in love
9 d! Z8 I: n4 y$ v  A! uEverything from me is negative
, |& e7 U1 ^. U9 v+ k3 M4 H6 k"My man should be like this,/ n& W7 D% X6 P4 K" W6 M) c; C" C
and I am helping you to improve'7 o; _  u% D3 n% |  N7 [
& s9 |. K0 N2 J
You are loving me
) x2 X$ ~6 M$ f6 D$ cor that one in your mind?* e6 n6 g! `0 d, X8 J
My mind is like a mud
. K' l0 Z/ I- ]can be shaped whatever you want
& H1 W5 p+ c" e8 ?: [3 n& Y
* ~: P3 y9 {1 H. E7 Kunfortunalety not my heart
  J5 ~6 d# y; cIt is slashed by you 3 N  w: y' u6 x! t
and I am seriously hurt5 Y( g1 [. U8 }' L1 b$ Z- o6 q) M
% o8 D7 m9 O5 y
I will never love another $ t, y9 i4 a& l, F$ T
If my heart can be fixed
鲜花(657) 鸡蛋(3)
发表于 2008-12-21 19:53 | 显示全部楼层
my english is so poor, can't understand your meaning.
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发表于 2008-12-21 19:57 | 显示全部楼层
这个,能不能叫情人眼里出西施,连小痘痘都升级作STAR了=。=
鲜花(40) 鸡蛋(1)
发表于 2008-12-21 20:46 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队 追求完美
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 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-22 17:44 | 显示全部楼层
原帖由 冰山上的来客 于 2008-12-21 19:53 发表 . m/ E% P' z+ s: h* w
my english is so poor, can't understand your meaning.

5 y! H( k/ z' G$ d' H
8 L& C6 m$ R7 ^& ~咱可是请高手指点, 你都不明白, 我看就算了吧
鲜花(0) 鸡蛋(0)
发表于 2008-12-22 18:06 | 显示全部楼层
配上卡萨布兰卡的旋律就可以唱了,呵呵
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 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-22 21:34 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
楼上, 卡萨布兰卡的歌好听吗?
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发表于 2008-12-23 19:24 | 显示全部楼层

楼主的诗很雷人

强!强!强!SEX!SEX!SEX!; c5 E4 H: [% r2 \# s; i; `
不过像我这种对中文诗都没有什么研究的人,对贵作就更不敢胡言乱语啦!顶一下。
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发表于 2008-12-24 07:04 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
sweeite,
0 S1 A5 t# s5 C" Mi am sorry to say that ur poem sucks.6 l; V2 d2 |4 s9 ?/ Q
And this is something I change. Whatever left r too sucky to be changed8 ~$ B( ]' t7 Y7 R9 r2 c

$ s2 L+ H4 D2 d# T7 R$ Bwith the charm,
( c! Z' @( r1 q; ^( `6 f6 A3 xwith the simles.
. r6 Y1 O) q8 E/ ^: F* `I fell in love with you 4 W& p+ T, x; h
In the first sign.7 x7 F4 f' Z3 ?' G8 V4 i
As spotting sky at a summer
" x$ ]: E" \+ x; C5 P& y+ R6 q" X: w4 e
Your lip is so soft / n/ V$ ^3 ~8 t6 }4 _
there is not honey can sweeter than ur kiss- N/ z$ }1 y" v' p
Your body is so sexy7 [# Y% b% ^- Y; @7 [
And I cannt image the moment I  touch u.! M" K7 t. o* t. E: g
, H) r5 F' R7 ^3 L' l8 J
I am deeply in love  I; y5 y9 |, N* ?
Everything from you is so charming* N2 X: J, \. G8 e% J
although You r so picky for me # H: f# G& \. j  b
And I take them as ur buttefly feelings.
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发表于 2008-12-24 07:16 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
THis is the poem in SNTC S2 and it is not a good one 2.
4 K; H. [, [4 W. Q0 P- l4 E. U* K" GBut u can copy the way how she ranges the poem9 Z5 \" M% D* V& r; N

9 y9 o7 B* @; C8 r. A: Z
5 K1 W. Z* Z3 z$ K5 F( f, LHis hello is the end of her endings& h9 r1 K5 d! Q' t2 o  e
Her laugh is their first step down  the aisle
  @5 z! t/ C9 m; w& I  MHis hand would be hers to hold forever8 I. u5 V# d9 E, V- M; O
His forever is simply as her smile
- j: M4 A; V0 {: p, ^( gHe said she was what was missing
9 x$ j/ t9 w! ?She said instantly she knew  S; _2 u0 m2 Z6 i
She was a question to be answered
) y4 E' ]$ D* z# I# z# G( @And his answer is 0 e9 X+ R0 k# V1 c2 ~
I do
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 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-24 14:37 | 显示全部楼层
Rain bow, you are so right. You improved it , and now it is much better. Seems you also like poems. that is good and wish to keep in touch with each other. Merry Xmas9 d* S3 P# T" N, H3 e
* B# ^+ P/ P, O+ H. J# F
Below is my new one, any comment?
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 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-24 14:38 | 显示全部楼层
It’s amazing how I felt
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% t. e+ v: E$ r% n/ `( Y/ z: n6 nIt's amazing how I felt
, o: j$ w8 m- T5 Q; @when I was with you6 _% k9 I0 x4 _% T5 S+ a0 c1 A9 i
My heart beat so fast% B3 |* @; K) o# D/ z! e
I looked at you and thought
7 C# l. W$ F1 F1 r4 i' ^Holy Jesus, you were so cute
: g1 p- h2 ]" F1 p' Z+ @3 K8 i
You left me without a word
2 U( n: B/ X2 D" p* b) }I have nothing except my emptiness! n, w. E! B, V
My mood is like a cloud
5 K* Y! B- H( A+ BHow could it be dispersed?
$ e2 m, o# ^: a" c8 x7 t* F/ N; z0 _% a9 Q* R
Feelings bite my heart ' U7 R* }3 \. Y3 J- R1 V
You are the right one I wait7 m1 Q6 m$ O2 h* k* N
In the depth of my soul
* ?2 V5 E! ^7 t/ m+ m' u! EI will love you till I'm dead
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发表于 2008-12-24 15:24 | 显示全部楼层
同言同羽 置业良晨
闻一多怎么说来着,诗歌有音乐美,建筑美,绘画美# L  Q- H7 ]1 ~+ n; Y) V1 ~
你的就是白花文,而且很多英文的用法根本不地道* b8 X" I/ n+ a- |) ?
就和用中文写一次
: i+ [* \6 f* t# s" p+ |阿,我爱你
9 [. G8 N; A7 ?8 w  O你让我心跳好快
  n7 I- t& N0 ~/ ]: P你让我脸发热; g' s0 b/ O$ B
我爱上你的大嘴唇
( R% m0 }+ ^. A- B: t1 aXXXXX
/ y9 S) }9 s% Y8 V  p% u! a! F% {不知道你能不能受得了这样的中文呢?
6 P: W' \/ B8 |. k% U5 j2 D  J& }1 f8 |6 ?1 v( J0 ~1 q1 S. D" R
如果你写得如此白话文的话,不如向你喜欢的女子写封LOVE LETTER
. {1 @# ~/ g+ u  i/ O6 W: _至于,你最缺乏的意境,强烈要求你参考我给你贴的诗歌, 看看别人怎么用最白话的文字,写出有绘画美,建筑美和音乐美的东西
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发表于 2008-12-24 15:31 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
楼主的湿,绝对要赞一个,那叫做雷死人不要钱!强就一个字!!!!
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 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-24 16:03 | 显示全部楼层
原帖由 therainbow 于 2008-12-24 15:24 发表 ( F6 O' ?7 }* H/ z
闻一多怎么说来着,诗歌有音乐美,建筑美,绘画美4 E2 D- V: B" n! f! Y! m
你的就是白花文,而且很多英文的用法根本不地道! E  P4 j+ m! B0 l1 \1 m- H
就和用中文写一次
$ [" M; v: E: l! H! }阿,我爱你$ `+ x7 Z3 j. [6 ?& T
你让我心跳好快
$ Q+ E; V- ^: j% d0 ?2 U1 _  L你让我脸发热
: I" B1 r0 O0 n! L我爱上你的大嘴唇
) ~& k8 A" k( R7 k7 R; G- ]" @' @XXXXX4 D4 X+ I! c) u
不知道你能不能受得了这样的 ...
; \, A$ @3 R+ p  ^; l
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靠, 你要是不爱女人的厚嘴唇和性感的身体的话, 难道你会爱女人的脚趾头和胳胳窝不成?
鲜花(0) 鸡蛋(0)
发表于 2008-12-25 00:13 | 显示全部楼层
恩,我无语了
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发表于 2008-12-25 07:37 | 显示全部楼层
同言同羽 置业良晨
这也叫诗,勇气大大的.
鲜花(1115) 鸡蛋(0)
发表于 2008-12-25 12:22 | 显示全部楼层
Match the following Song! Casablanca.0 X% F4 v$ Q! y2 W
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发表于 2008-12-25 16:55 | 显示全部楼层
鲜花(120) 鸡蛋(0)
发表于 2008-12-31 02:08 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
码字能连句,转行也成诗。。。
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