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我今天刚写的英文诗, 高手给提提意见

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发表于 2008-12-21 12:21 | 显示全部楼层 |阅读模式
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
Falling in love, W$ h- F8 w% n! _

# C: H/ z6 I8 h: y3 \I fell in love with you
" W7 X. N+ [0 T- {At the first week we met" ~3 _7 L% s0 Q. \* ]& }

, K" e% J* s4 n. d1 FYou have charm, you have looks7 j% b4 q, X. j0 ?( H
with full of pimples in face# @2 {- a5 G4 @1 r# r
As spotting sky at a summer night
6 v; I* f% F& ]8 s$ lThey are shining stars
% F) z$ n" E6 H- V' K
" o1 z' {6 |, O  j% F. Z: u; n8 X; KYour lip is so big) L5 O0 M+ t3 d$ u9 y, \
And that’s good for a kiss" a# m; |: [. G5 q5 b. |# K, e
Your body is chubby; I/ p% p2 N' {- G) k
And that is good for sex
$ s2 p+ e+ c( J! v# o9 g( ]
5 [) E" Z3 P7 I5 _! gI was deeply in love7 J0 q: R$ k3 F" I& z
Everything from you is positive
6 U5 s+ }; j( v1 hYou blame me everything and everyday2 @. B/ ^7 `- G( F8 Q
And I think all girls sound like) S& O7 U* V1 @

$ q6 E3 k" D$ ~5 @+ vYou could not stand my eating
+ w0 y4 k! ~$ ySaying no good for making funny sound
3 N5 ~  `2 b6 QI think you are perfectly right+ E" m9 q% {! j# c1 W, Q9 _
Eating with sound is a pig% b* t/ `7 G/ S  P) |) a& R) |6 x
+ [! d# k% x) d9 v
I fell in love with you
2 t' p6 I, O$ v& _0 a% pBecome a fool to think8 S) C; \1 B% c' [9 _% Z
All trouble things you did
* u: O( {1 v6 p/ pAnd that is the price for love
) F2 J- ~9 u  E* A' ~( G/ v5 t) y# T( D8 {+ N0 w+ A, w/ Y
you are deeply in love
. r) h( Q& I  n1 B4 N& }( `6 OEverything from me is negative
  A  Y( {. b! p4 ?+ d"My man should be like this," q) D* a+ {& m4 {. _6 d# c- w7 i
and I am helping you to improve'+ r) y) r1 X; y$ {  F
; Y! o+ I' E' l5 Z8 K! w
You are loving me 4 n0 k, J6 o9 @7 |$ O, P, g
or that one in your mind?2 w0 c1 ~! H8 i7 `
My mind is like a mud# R0 x0 f" s/ J: w# E$ J7 a, z
can be shaped whatever you want7 `' H8 K9 z# |  \
* ~, \! C% W' Y; s; F3 ~
unfortunalety not my heart% }: S1 n2 R& ^# L/ z% u) |
It is slashed by you
, }  n+ ], @0 P. |! c, Q/ zand I am seriously hurt% d3 Z9 ~7 c( }% s& d- ?

" Z: Q: r; u, u5 }& i( ~) LI will never love another
+ @  k  i% j2 J7 w; dIf my heart can be fixed
鲜花(657) 鸡蛋(3)
发表于 2008-12-21 19:53 | 显示全部楼层
my english is so poor, can't understand your meaning.
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发表于 2008-12-21 19:57 | 显示全部楼层
这个,能不能叫情人眼里出西施,连小痘痘都升级作STAR了=。=
鲜花(40) 鸡蛋(1)
发表于 2008-12-21 20:46 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队 追求完美
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 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-22 17:44 | 显示全部楼层
原帖由 冰山上的来客 于 2008-12-21 19:53 发表
; B: O" u4 o8 O0 @5 \my english is so poor, can't understand your meaning.

+ S2 B/ \* u' h$ W
! p5 L! C& U1 C咱可是请高手指点, 你都不明白, 我看就算了吧
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发表于 2008-12-22 18:06 | 显示全部楼层
配上卡萨布兰卡的旋律就可以唱了,呵呵
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 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-22 21:34 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
楼上, 卡萨布兰卡的歌好听吗?
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发表于 2008-12-23 19:24 | 显示全部楼层

楼主的诗很雷人

强!强!强!SEX!SEX!SEX!' B: x6 ~2 I  p: @' [6 W/ W, p
不过像我这种对中文诗都没有什么研究的人,对贵作就更不敢胡言乱语啦!顶一下。
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发表于 2008-12-24 07:04 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
sweeite,
* a) o- ?9 Z, c3 V  \( B  K* Ci am sorry to say that ur poem sucks.
9 ]2 K* C( L5 pAnd this is something I change. Whatever left r too sucky to be changed3 \# ]0 h' i0 U

/ p9 M; r  H- s5 r4 N# s) V" |- H) xwith the charm,
$ U2 }9 Q5 C3 m( U3 x- Lwith the simles.& ?, t; k9 q) M7 l) u' {
I fell in love with you
# Z- v6 V7 b6 u1 vIn the first sign.
8 O6 g4 I( W- `# k* }$ kAs spotting sky at a summer 8 h& V3 f+ r3 |2 {  d/ B. Y
! l  {. N: h! d& m) K
Your lip is so soft
! S  r' u0 U" F: Z( ythere is not honey can sweeter than ur kiss
/ ^6 m( u/ B) B: _5 v6 G) UYour body is so sexy' f+ L( ]4 ~# e: O2 e4 s4 G
And I cannt image the moment I  touch u.
! e9 K0 @4 z& t/ Z7 H4 r: X) g7 ]4 j' f2 k3 S: _* O
I am deeply in love9 W, F+ Z# K5 @$ C: c/ u. n" S
Everything from you is so charming
0 Y( W) \/ |; y2 C# G8 J; ealthough You r so picky for me ( Q1 t# V' {1 f1 Z
And I take them as ur buttefly feelings.
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发表于 2008-12-24 07:16 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
THis is the poem in SNTC S2 and it is not a good one 2.
6 Y9 D- _5 z/ k$ {& \1 ]5 VBut u can copy the way how she ranges the poem
  U) [& S+ L5 w  T6 f% @! M) e+ F7 G4 h  ~% X% U. V+ y+ b0 m
/ I3 c* i5 ?# e" t4 O
His hello is the end of her endings, m$ B9 k: U, B
Her laugh is their first step down  the aisle3 Q4 E4 _8 L/ t/ l9 c& T8 @
His hand would be hers to hold forever7 Z& X( V8 K( i1 D: t6 ~
His forever is simply as her smile % T, }6 M- `* F
He said she was what was missing" n# w% F* J- q* J. l  n# I7 o
She said instantly she knew
, K$ y5 R9 ^( y) P4 a6 t! L; }+ PShe was a question to be answered0 w* V; Q1 w# E  Q
And his answer is
8 q, q- M4 n3 z4 e$ Q: xI do
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 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-24 14:37 | 显示全部楼层
Rain bow, you are so right. You improved it , and now it is much better. Seems you also like poems. that is good and wish to keep in touch with each other. Merry Xmas$ ~( ]& E. N4 c9 |3 Z9 F

) W' Y% ~+ v  p% VBelow is my new one, any comment?
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 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-24 14:38 | 显示全部楼层
It’s amazing how I felt& c- k& f1 z9 c; H2 s# S" V

5 S/ |5 `3 y. T6 p% H3 wIt's amazing how I felt ) L4 g* v6 `, \2 v/ F2 s' F% _
when I was with you; T& ]/ L# l# X! E+ T) Y
My heart beat so fast9 D4 J( |- m, p* ], G# B5 E! m
I looked at you and thought0 X5 D' R2 [, Z: D2 _6 k
Holy Jesus, you were so cute2 x% D9 m! W1 Q, B7 z, s2 L

% B  T3 I9 ]+ hYou left me without a word
5 J' {) q- o5 d/ a+ L# L- MI have nothing except my emptiness" W& Q+ X$ B7 R& V
My mood is like a cloud
4 ?' @9 ~+ `: q8 M/ }% YHow could it be dispersed?1 O. u4 U$ U5 k9 j* h  i) t$ }
. v3 Z! y; K# c1 y
Feelings bite my heart
$ u4 ~: w* v2 R, W& B- aYou are the right one I wait6 n2 T* P% B* d: ^( A9 Z, w2 x
In the depth of my soul, I. P* S* S0 R& y2 F/ X  O; i2 h
I will love you till I'm dead
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发表于 2008-12-24 15:24 | 显示全部楼层
同言同羽 置业良晨
闻一多怎么说来着,诗歌有音乐美,建筑美,绘画美% Z6 F0 F0 w8 h' J* k. D1 l
你的就是白花文,而且很多英文的用法根本不地道
( p  _* q: h$ Q+ r9 ]就和用中文写一次9 W7 U9 s5 u6 z. _% ~; R7 L, F
阿,我爱你0 K! A0 Z/ ~) k5 E0 R3 y
你让我心跳好快
( s3 Q( u3 }0 s- ~8 s4 X你让我脸发热1 _1 D- A# K6 a
我爱上你的大嘴唇
* G) K  ^# S3 ^4 W9 H" y; V! tXXXXX
& r, k7 K& |7 z不知道你能不能受得了这样的中文呢?
/ V! C% w# j! o9 [; k7 ]# q4 c+ h# _! Z3 S) g
如果你写得如此白话文的话,不如向你喜欢的女子写封LOVE LETTER* i/ e8 Z$ `( ~, X$ L' C( y
至于,你最缺乏的意境,强烈要求你参考我给你贴的诗歌, 看看别人怎么用最白话的文字,写出有绘画美,建筑美和音乐美的东西
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发表于 2008-12-24 15:31 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
楼主的湿,绝对要赞一个,那叫做雷死人不要钱!强就一个字!!!!
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 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-24 16:03 | 显示全部楼层
原帖由 therainbow 于 2008-12-24 15:24 发表
' m6 `- d# \( \+ ~6 W% w闻一多怎么说来着,诗歌有音乐美,建筑美,绘画美4 m8 Z. A) k) T+ k, Z8 ]
你的就是白花文,而且很多英文的用法根本不地道
) Z' a$ J1 z& P) ?$ d; U! Y1 A就和用中文写一次6 X8 Z; t. }' `' |" g
阿,我爱你1 }1 ?4 V5 j6 ]+ O
你让我心跳好快# I" b, ?9 B0 t
你让我脸发热
) N% r7 {6 N& X2 _* C/ ~' S我爱上你的大嘴唇7 i3 r; J9 \" @
XXXXX% z# p: h7 s) u+ v0 g0 j( J
不知道你能不能受得了这样的 ...
6 q5 I- |0 I" |' Y

9 Z, m- p" v7 v  }$ m: o靠, 你要是不爱女人的厚嘴唇和性感的身体的话, 难道你会爱女人的脚趾头和胳胳窝不成?
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发表于 2008-12-25 00:13 | 显示全部楼层
恩,我无语了
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发表于 2008-12-25 07:37 | 显示全部楼层
同言同羽 置业良晨
这也叫诗,勇气大大的.
鲜花(1115) 鸡蛋(0)
发表于 2008-12-25 12:22 | 显示全部楼层
Match the following Song! Casablanca.
1 \% w# \1 S# ]! j
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发表于 2008-12-25 16:55 | 显示全部楼层
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发表于 2008-12-31 02:08 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
码字能连句,转行也成诗。。。
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