我今天刚写的英文诗, 高手给提提意见

我在故我思

Falling in love
) Q- d$ _4 `( C- q
( N9 z1 {1 T& i4 ~2 p- YI fell in love with you
5 P* A4 I# ~* t" d7 ?5 ^At the first week we met

1 U8 i- T, T1 d8 ?You have charm, you have looks
with full of pimples in face
As spotting sky at a summer night
; Y' O, |- |, D3 C  U" [: P! RThey are shining stars
$ ?4 n& o4 l* N
Your lip is so big
And that’s good for a kiss
" _6 v' T% @% e! t* d& I" PYour body is chubby
And that is good for sex

* P- R; A4 W5 J$ l8 G4 J5 y) ^7 nI was deeply in love
Everything from you is positive
You blame me everything and everyday
0 R7 r+ m) I5 T2 gAnd I think all girls sound like
: s  h0 C+ K5 s; z' ^0 V( @& \
You could not stand my eating
1 y1 l- y6 N7 {' G8 XSaying no good for making funny sound
I think you are perfectly right
$ G* N/ W3 k/ T$ K' S1 mEating with sound is a pig

/ H  A" s$ d$ a; n0 eI fell in love with you
Become a fool to think
0 l& B- ?/ K4 f% E7 mAll trouble things you did
8 \# f6 M$ y1 G" E. v/ f* V5 _5 ?And that is the price for love

you are deeply in love
5 G; R( q# T1 P. X0 M% R7 \Everything from me is negative
2 e' P- b+ k' V3 L; }  a/ E"My man should be like this,
: ]& R& J) k$ x2 H6 A7 D# T, _and I am helping you to improve'

You are loving me
. e% H. l6 W( bor that one in your mind?
$ Q7 X/ P: d# Z! uMy mind is like a mud
2 q  A+ i3 Q! K$ }6 D( K2 ^; ~7 `% `/ Jcan be shaped whatever you want
6 T3 E& n( q" w" r+ ]1 U' x
unfortunalety not my heart
It is slashed by you
and I am seriously hurt

I will never love another
If my heart can be fixed

冰山上的来客

my english is so poor, can't understand your meaning.

米兔丫

这个，能不能叫情人眼里出西施，连小痘痘都升级作STAR了＝。＝

犀牛图拉

我在故我思

原帖由 冰山上的来客 于 2008-12-21 19:53 发表
/ R: j7 J/ d8 k* `+ \- \: p4 Y/ O8 hmy english is so poor, can't understand your meaning.

2 z- P8 K" h1 i9 h9 {. T
/ [. G/ n: B1 ]0 s# W" p咱可是请高手指点, 你都不明白, 我看就算了吧

肆贰叁

配上卡萨布兰卡的旋律就可以唱了，呵呵

我在故我思

楼上, 卡萨布兰卡的歌好听吗?

raymont

强！强！强！SEX!SEX!SEX!
不过像我这种对中文诗都没有什么研究的人，对贵作就更不敢胡言乱语啦！顶一下。

therainbow

sweeite,
4 e. d3 u' \' Q  z* ^  j5 e# `i am sorry to say that ur poem sucks.
And this is something I change. Whatever left r too sucky to be changed
1 {& J- M. X4 W% J+ S  L
/ n5 G2 X0 c4 O0 t: ~) \4 bwith the charm,
% `6 V- {, @' N2 ?  Bwith the simles.
I fell in love with you
* F( {6 y6 i5 U! K9 H" YIn the first sign.
0 F7 p4 g( Q0 K  D! J5 MAs spotting sky at a summer
3 @3 i  T* O) {+ {1 J9 q. }
Your lip is so soft
there is not honey can sweeter than ur kiss
/ o* ~6 {0 K* e% f) l& ]Your body is so sexy
/ {; ^/ ~1 C% m0 tAnd I cannt image the moment I  touch u.

+ m, R, L5 ?( S, z) iI am deeply in love
Everything from you is so charming
  D% D! f9 B4 Qalthough You r so picky for me
And I take them as ur buttefly feelings.

therainbow

THis is the poem in SNTC S2 and it is not a good one 2.
1 R: z7 V' X1 @6 P- R3 a- y! lBut u can copy the way how she ranges the poem
4 ]1 ^% N. Q9 @3 Q1 q  t" O
; S( p) [5 s2 M/ \6 d
His hello is the end of her endings
Her laugh is their first step down  the aisle
; ~  o% L( B7 M2 V" p6 CHis hand would be hers to hold forever
His forever is simply as her smile
He said she was what was missing
8 O& I  _& v+ o# {& `, H, q+ M8 mShe said instantly she knew
$ c: O+ z. ^% \8 ZShe was a question to be answered
9 a9 v) ~+ O+ q2 x- Z0 EAnd his answer is
I do

我在故我思

Rain bow, you are so right. You improved it , and now it is much better. Seems you also like poems. that is good and wish to keep in touch with each other. Merry Xmas

# G# r5 _' C3 v! u: ]6 ?- LBelow is my new one, any comment?

我在故我思

It’s amazing how I felt
) v/ @0 G+ {$ N9 {. L. `
It's amazing how I felt
! I# R. Y9 T6 ^+ ?+ _* H: Gwhen I was with you
My heart beat so fast
I looked at you and thought
9 O4 A* Y3 x* q. e0 ~6 K$ SHoly Jesus, you were so cute

You left me without a word
9 V" u+ Z# i3 `5 o* w0 SI have nothing except my emptiness
My mood is like a cloud
! s6 r5 f, [: D$ RHow could it be dispersed?

# S5 k* H+ E6 }$ o4 P, DFeelings bite my heart
You are the right one I wait
6 _$ E! r- g- P2 W3 dIn the depth of my soul
I will love you till I'm dead

therainbow

闻一多怎么说来着,诗歌有音乐美,建筑美,绘画美
你的就是白花文,而且很多英文的用法根本不地道
就和用中文写一次
8 G! h- P5 n  S) D! S# l4 l阿,我爱你
. s  O! y; k- J4 s0 l1 z# m你让我心跳好快
1 l# n2 S2 ~) f; M- U5 t你让我脸发热
# E9 g$ ^% w  x: j我爱上你的大嘴唇
XXXXX
6 `5 F* _. k& I' @) d% v3 Q不知道你能不能受得了这样的中文呢?

; V7 ^- j7 z% N" e) F$ J4 w3 ~如果你写得如此白话文的话,不如向你喜欢的女子写封LOVE LETTER
至于,你最缺乏的意境,强烈要求你参考我给你贴的诗歌, 看看别人怎么用最白话的文字,写出有绘画美,建筑美和音乐美的东西

蓝言雪

楼主的湿，绝对要赞一个，那叫做雷死人不要钱！强就一个字！！！！

我在故我思

原帖由 therainbow 于 2008-12-24 15:24 发表
闻一多怎么说来着,诗歌有音乐美,建筑美,绘画美
你的就是白花文,而且很多英文的用法根本不地道
$ }1 u$ a9 t. ]$ t6 A就和用中文写一次
( S, ]. W3 o; p% d8 Z阿,我爱你
你让我心跳好快
. T' B% N* d' h: Q你让我脸发热
我爱上你的大嘴唇
! Z5 r/ G. Z  `8 SXXXXX
  N# Q- y: p7 ~2 `; y不知道你能不能受得了这样的 ...

+ e6 Z8 R" w/ D, y: A
靠, 你要是不爱女人的厚嘴唇和性感的身体的话, 难道你会爱女人的脚趾头和胳胳窝不成?

therainbow

恩,我无语了

ram

这也叫诗,勇气大大的.

费莫

Match the following Song! Casablanca.
! K5 @+ [* g. E0 m0 Q

爱中成长

竟陵残雪

码字能连句，转行也成诗。。。