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If you read this without laughing out-loud, there is something i/ \3 w7 s( n& R2 t$ I6 h2 r% p
wrong with you. This is dedicated to everyone who ever attempted to get
( C+ }5 o8 `0 K. @into a regular workout routine.7 O+ w$ C1 Q0 e0 z! |+ H
( W- p+ V" A) N$ ^Dear Diary:; D4 {7 Z# n2 k+ o# S
- J! g( w) J- IFor my fortieth birthday this year, my wife (the dear) purchased a
' R4 ?* b" X+ `* e) c5 @; oweek of personal training at the local health club for me. Although I9 h, c% u- o* J
am still in great shape since playing on my college football team 25/ ]- q$ I- p) R
years ago, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a* O0 f8 V, `/ m& m( [+ ]
try. I called the club and made my reservation with a personal trainer0 [ }. T6 Y3 d) W/ W( k \
named Belinda, who identified herself as a 26 yr. old aerobics+ }- G, x/ \7 t, [" f5 T
instructor and model for athletic clothing and swimwear.
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, H9 y' w2 g: U% ^1 B) f% TMy wife seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started! The club( q+ G7 s3 ~ T; D9 v( {, q; H
encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress.
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MONDAY:% D6 R, ?/ Q! k$ |$ _
; {3 `3 J1 q- U) w! L' oStarted my day at 6 am. Tough to get out of bed, but it was well
+ @2 Y4 W2 y9 p8 K0 kworth it when I arrived at the health club to find Belinda waiting for" i9 S. f" V0 L2 Q" s3 e" e
me. She was something of a Greek goddess-- with blonde hair, dancing
; ?0 Z3 B4 c, r" J, r9 Peyes and a dazzling white smile. Woo Hoo!!!!! U% f$ h/ L$ @+ N+ M# A. b7 J
( [. n. G. r: d8 Y) WShe took my pulse after 5 minutes on the treadmill. She was alarmed% G7 f, c& ?) d
that my pulse was so fast, but I attributed it to standing next to her
0 `& x; i. b/ R7 cin her Lycra aerobics outfit. I enjoyed watching the skilful way in8 I3 s g( o* N: n
which she conducted her aerobics class after my workout today.
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( Y( m# x1 v9 [4 |: |$ {' UVery inspiring, Belinda was encouraging as I did my sit-ups, Y# T% M. n% g- ~
although my gut was already aching from holding it in the whole time she
1 e0 K( o; |$ D9 H+ ^6 D: a, }was around.
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This is going to be a FANTASTIC week!!
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* l* B7 r# E7 f4 x2 TTUESDAY:8 S3 m/ [2 i* Y: h& O& _' ~3 O( o
I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door.' r9 z- g! X z
Belinda made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air,2 a- Z4 F; R b) y( b) G3 K
and then she put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the- X; l& R7 r( Q" v
treadmill, but I made the full mile. Belinda's rewarding smile made it
" }3 O) I2 c. Call worthwhile.
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* C4 t; q( y, [6 r# s& yI feel GREAT!! It's a whole new life for me.
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WEDNESDAY: D; Q1 |; ^6 ^- N
The only way I can brush my teeth is by lying on the toothbrush on
y$ {8 n) ^; A0 Ythe counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have7 I& }/ K- u, [- F5 P
a hernia in both pectorals. Driving was okay as long as I didn't try to
" \1 Z7 _) j+ |/ ?steer or stop. Belinda was impatient with me, insisting that my screams
+ e4 Z, N6 t2 m! J" f) R9 Bbothered the other club members. Her voice is a little too perky for5 }& q7 L% ^- W; q" P
early in the morning and when she scolds, she gets this nasally whine
$ A! i! R1 j( q1 X% _that is VERY annoying. My chest hurts when I got on the treadmill, so* A5 t0 i9 `8 [# R% ?
Belinda put me on the stair monster. Why the hell would anyone invent a. b9 C0 t+ }1 ~
machine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by elevators? Belinda
4 E6 t+ Y/ N7 e" c8 rtold me it would help me get in shape and enjoy life." B' m7 J' i: I/ s1 U4 Y
. V/ X- f+ u/ g' TShe said some other shit too.
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THURSDAY:7 F8 B8 y0 C; Z* d: F6 L
Belinda was waiting for me with her vampire-like teeth exposed as$ d3 k+ y( R; D9 h' K
her thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn't help+ w7 n& L! j0 q
being a half hour late; it took me that long to tie my shoes. Belinda
6 Y* M; q* b; H6 Utook me to workout with dumbbells. When she was not looking, I ran and
+ g5 u7 Z# M% W5 d+ E3 Y# N& m( qhid in the men's room.! w* a4 _1 F; w' m8 P
, N) x9 F! p m3 E/ `2 iShe sent Lars to find me, then, as punishment, put me on the rowing+ K4 Y9 z) s5 x( O' Q
machine -- which I sank.
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FRIDAY:
' [+ S: \2 f1 l9 ?I hate that bitch Belinda more than any human being has ever hated0 H" [4 E' P- t/ e
any other human being in the history of the world. Stupid, skinny,
* t4 A4 y3 h7 u Canemic little cheerleading bitch. If there were a part of my body I
1 ?* l2 p& D5 i" @could move without unbearable pain, I would beat her with it. Belinda( C9 m6 d5 g3 o2 i; ^8 L
wanted me to work on my triceps. I don't have any triceps!
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& { C+ ^+ t0 PAnd if you don't want dents in the floor, don't hand me5 j y, F/ D2 P9 f( R- m
the*&%#(#&** barbells or anything that weighs more than a sandwich.. s$ e R2 t7 q$ P
( V: p; e4 l- q" G. I" p* Z; U7 CThe treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and nutrition( u2 M$ Z D1 p0 A5 u9 J; n. H
teacher. Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like the drama coach# _( ]4 X4 P+ a8 E2 Y
or the choir director?
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. ]: T. c5 g5 U" r, P) l9 ASATURDAY:' p1 N- B$ C: j
Belinda left a message on my answering machine in her grating,
" n2 @1 K' M2 z9 C7 {7 t" ]shrilly voice wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing her
9 ?7 c/ n; j& R# f( o0 }made me want to smash the machine with my planner. However, I lacked the/ E( a4 W: ]5 s; b; B
strength to even use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven straight
3 `$ a! }: i& N) @" R+ O: Whours of the Weather Channel.. L- ~9 f- h! I3 U
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SUNDAY:# O. G8 e- \- O5 }) H: j% O
I'm having the church van pick me up for services today so I can go* E3 E9 i% C# X2 a5 d/ e& F8 w7 R6 {
and thank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that next year,
) M# E6 }6 a7 N7 Smy wife (the other bitch), will choose a gift for me that is fun --like
8 Z. I7 y; X: ]0 M7 ~a root canal or a vasectomy! |
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狗仔卡
发表于 2008-1-22 12:49
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发表于 2008-1-22 13:23
