WEEK AT THE GYM

小叶子

If you read this without laughing out-loud, there is something
wrong with you. This is dedicated to everyone who ever attempted to get
6 I7 j+ G9 \. ^' E+ }+ l$ ^& z) minto a regular workout routine.
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+ H+ ]8 F5 o8 VDear Diary:

) `, P2 p+ V: |: q) E. F% H- zFor my fortieth birthday this year, my wife (the dear) purchased a
7 `! L6 W9 H. k$ xweek of personal training at the local health club for me. Although I
; v4 _1 r: n: F1 `( U7 H! ?am still in great shape since playing on my college football team 25
years ago, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a
# Q, T% ~! L' Stry. I called the club and made my reservation with a personal trainer
1 a+ {8 N& U: h) X; ^6 [. Nnamed Belinda, who identified herself as a 26 yr. old aerobics
1 N' T* z& N: N2 Z. \instructor and model for athletic clothing and swimwear.
$ y! F- F# K) ]( P( _3 Q5 P
My wife seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started! The club
encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress.
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MONDAY:

Started my day at 6 am. Tough to get out of bed, but it was well
' K4 h" q1 E) c" K9 b/ aworth it when I arrived at the health club to find Belinda waiting for
me. She was something of a Greek goddess-- with blonde hair, dancing
eyes and a dazzling white smile. Woo Hoo!!!!!
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1 U2 k% }  k2 U( z% }/ r3 wShe took my pulse after 5 minutes on the treadmill. She was alarmed
that my pulse was so fast, but I attributed it to standing next to her
  @7 H( _3 u1 o$ h4 x7 qin her Lycra aerobics outfit. I enjoyed watching the skilful way in
which she conducted her aerobics class after my workout today.

Very inspiring, Belinda was encouraging as I did my sit-ups,
( L2 {$ Y+ x8 J. @1 B, w6 Ialthough my gut was already aching from holding it in the whole time she
was around.

- y& t  y. ?! K- I1 o) N% ZThis is going to be a FANTASTIC week!!
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7 r1 s* N3 ~- T0 l/ g5 n; _TUESDAY:
/ v8 ]% E* H1 X- k3 H+ ^I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door.
Belinda made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air,
' [  O& r7 ]* Eand then she put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the
treadmill, but I made the full mile. Belinda's rewarding smile made it
  D' A* O% ^6 I4 w9 Tall worthwhile.
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( L4 H( B( A2 r3 PI feel GREAT!! It's a whole new life for me.
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WEDNESDAY:
The only way I can brush my teeth is by lying on the toothbrush on
the counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have
a hernia in both pectorals. Driving was okay as long as I didn't try to
steer or stop. Belinda was impatient with me, insisting that my screams
$ C, g1 x7 Q8 j6 S) i: dbothered the other club members. Her voice is a little too perky for
early in the morning and when she scolds, she gets this nasally whine
' O& B: T- F- ?. p3 Wthat is VERY annoying. My chest hurts when I got on the treadmill, so
) H6 L6 @1 D: E: y% QBelinda put me on the stair monster. Why the hell would anyone invent a
machine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by elevators? Belinda
5 O2 d: @) T$ ^: B& e: b' P) N8 rtold me it would help me get in shape and enjoy life.
$ I1 h6 `# o! Q' Y
# M* x* c0 ]- k" p( {" a) QShe said some other shit too.
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THURSDAY:
Belinda was waiting for me with her vampire-like teeth exposed as
7 B" y$ r& h2 K$ M0 |. Fher thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn't help
being a half hour late; it took me that long to tie my shoes. Belinda
took me to workout with dumbbells. When she was not looking, I ran and
hid in the men's room.
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She sent Lars to find me, then, as punishment, put me on the rowing
machine -- which I sank.

FRIDAY:
I hate that bitch Belinda more than any human being has ever hated
any other human being in the history of the world. Stupid, skinny,
/ j! p/ C: p) L% D, ?5 L- ~  d4 Aanemic little cheerleading bitch. If there were a part of my body I
' w* U# G0 `! J/ Zcould move without unbearable pain, I would beat her with it. Belinda
, V8 e- v- `+ jwanted me to work on my triceps. I don't have any triceps!
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And if you don't want dents in the floor, don't hand me
the*&%#(#&** barbells or anything that weighs more than a sandwich.
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+ ]$ a3 ]) h, q1 L! ^The treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and nutrition
9 m; [" t  W# ^( D% Z# Vteacher. Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like the drama coach
or the choir director?

SATURDAY:
Belinda left a message on my answering machine in her grating,
shrilly voice wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing her
* m; G: B, @+ j: Bmade me want to smash the machine with my planner. However, I lacked the
strength to even use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven straight
6 l1 S" |- d7 S  {' ahours of the Weather Channel.

SUNDAY:
5 b4 o+ f- z* `; a9 CI'm having the church van pick me up for services today so I can go
and thank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that next year,
7 S# q; Z$ |0 f. o0 F0 P( wmy wife (the other bitch), will choose a gift for me that is fun --like
a root canal or a vasectomy!

OliveOil

You are absolutely wrong! But my stomach hurts because I can't laugh out loud in the office... oh good lord...

junglebell

Lazycat

lington

root canal, I almosted end up getting one last year. Thanks to the dentist.