WEEK AT THE GYM

小叶子

If you read this without laughing out-loud, there is something
wrong with you. This is dedicated to everyone who ever attempted to get
into a regular workout routine.
+ K8 k& L1 d+ M
Dear Diary:

For my fortieth birthday this year, my wife (the dear) purchased a
' u; C6 r; e* Rweek of personal training at the local health club for me. Although I
am still in great shape since playing on my college football team 25
! m( W. ~- z; J0 u  z& x& @years ago, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a
) v. a" m' c( |3 {) K( Z8 t  y+ ?% etry. I called the club and made my reservation with a personal trainer
named Belinda, who identified herself as a 26 yr. old aerobics
$ }7 u8 ~9 F2 P, }! l; I% l4 D/ v" @instructor and model for athletic clothing and swimwear.

% v+ g7 Z/ z: h' w% S: iMy wife seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started! The club
# A7 Z( G+ T' [$ [' x, Oencouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress.
. O: o6 c1 |: M
% I6 _! [) {( H* K" g$ @MONDAY:
  K/ K5 l& e7 @8 C, Q
Started my day at 6 am. Tough to get out of bed, but it was well
worth it when I arrived at the health club to find Belinda waiting for
me. She was something of a Greek goddess-- with blonde hair, dancing
eyes and a dazzling white smile. Woo Hoo!!!!!
% [3 G9 t9 h  C- d
, ]7 h: V. S' n/ J$ z3 IShe took my pulse after 5 minutes on the treadmill. She was alarmed
that my pulse was so fast, but I attributed it to standing next to her
in her Lycra aerobics outfit. I enjoyed watching the skilful way in
" G! q( ?4 M3 x  J* dwhich she conducted her aerobics class after my workout today.
- U, B0 Q: P9 t$ c5 Q' y7 U
2 ]6 N0 J( F  Y6 P% T" SVery inspiring, Belinda was encouraging as I did my sit-ups,
although my gut was already aching from holding it in the whole time she
6 v: R0 U1 z: A3 r  v3 D. Z- wwas around.

This is going to be a FANTASTIC week!!

TUESDAY:
  v3 y8 O. x& U# Q5 M' MI drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door.
Belinda made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air,
and then she put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the
treadmill, but I made the full mile. Belinda's rewarding smile made it
7 d3 L1 n: F8 g$ b) i" [all worthwhile.

I feel GREAT!! It's a whole new life for me.
: A( }7 v) l: `: y" X  q4 k4 e
. V/ Y9 e, M! |3 _% I6 K& {( Y" EWEDNESDAY:
The only way I can brush my teeth is by lying on the toothbrush on
the counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have
& r& @3 O% C" n* a0 x3 na hernia in both pectorals. Driving was okay as long as I didn't try to
steer or stop. Belinda was impatient with me, insisting that my screams
bothered the other club members. Her voice is a little too perky for
early in the morning and when she scolds, she gets this nasally whine
. m: u4 B( n! u3 }5 s  bthat is VERY annoying. My chest hurts when I got on the treadmill, so
4 B: _6 c- |& [, R0 IBelinda put me on the stair monster. Why the hell would anyone invent a
machine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by elevators? Belinda
told me it would help me get in shape and enjoy life.

! ~% r( R8 |) H3 HShe said some other shit too.

$ b  x- E7 v: @  k$ q  tTHURSDAY:
3 L6 D' X5 u% ^- @) `4 L# @Belinda was waiting for me with her vampire-like teeth exposed as
her thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn't help
being a half hour late; it took me that long to tie my shoes. Belinda
8 N0 o9 _3 {% C: x& u2 ptook me to workout with dumbbells. When she was not looking, I ran and
9 S9 [1 L+ w5 v  T1 Lhid in the men's room.

She sent Lars to find me, then, as punishment, put me on the rowing
machine -- which I sank.

FRIDAY:
8 z/ f" l9 m# }I hate that bitch Belinda more than any human being has ever hated
- o& e/ ~7 o2 I7 D* rany other human being in the history of the world. Stupid, skinny,
0 Q" A) ?) v, O  xanemic little cheerleading bitch. If there were a part of my body I
% C# W% a( z4 A6 Xcould move without unbearable pain, I would beat her with it. Belinda
wanted me to work on my triceps. I don't have any triceps!

And if you don't want dents in the floor, don't hand me
the*&%#(#&** barbells or anything that weighs more than a sandwich.
+ j) T3 `) ~. s6 M# p
, q$ [) _$ i% }' s1 FThe treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and nutrition
teacher. Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like the drama coach
or the choir director?

SATURDAY:
7 e2 T* u, O+ Z2 [Belinda left a message on my answering machine in her grating,
% |" z4 m5 U1 ]7 {% x- Ashrilly voice wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing her
made me want to smash the machine with my planner. However, I lacked the
! q% j' {7 d7 y1 ystrength to even use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven straight
6 U6 k: y1 @3 v/ o8 Uhours of the Weather Channel.
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  R0 g& {/ E9 _& R9 l8 ASUNDAY:
I'm having the church van pick me up for services today so I can go
and thank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that next year,
my wife (the other bitch), will choose a gift for me that is fun --like
% m3 G8 u5 X; P6 X: \" ua root canal or a vasectomy!

OliveOil

You are absolutely wrong! But my stomach hurts because I can't laugh out loud in the office... oh good lord...

junglebell

Lazycat

lington

root canal, I almosted end up getting one last year. Thanks to the dentist.