 鲜花( 0)  鸡蛋( 0)
|
If you read this without laughing out-loud, there is something
, @0 z5 L; c+ j1 Z' M; {0 W/ T( K8 Pwrong with you. This is dedicated to everyone who ever attempted to get
7 C3 I# f% a& B" ^4 a0 y- [ Binto a regular workout routine.
, @* N% \* `/ h: B# \0 P( q
6 Y1 P, D# u7 Z( G" i2 N! UDear Diary:
) M+ @# K% k& M8 z% u9 C& u7 ]& f# X3 J. F* y6 R/ u, ?
For my fortieth birthday this year, my wife (the dear) purchased a# }3 A5 Z: [% L/ W
week of personal training at the local health club for me. Although I
# P; F6 `" k% v- A; Q& ram still in great shape since playing on my college football team 25$ q$ Q% F7 _# D3 m7 n c: G
years ago, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a
( R0 I2 f5 G9 I, N" \: Otry. I called the club and made my reservation with a personal trainer% w* f* T. A0 ]4 z
named Belinda, who identified herself as a 26 yr. old aerobics
, w; j+ L: U# X# L5 k, l4 Y% Binstructor and model for athletic clothing and swimwear.
$ N- w5 i; ?7 I' n$ j- }
/ b& z4 h( s$ s9 R1 ^( |' fMy wife seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started! The club% V9 d/ M9 t9 O; Q: u
encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress.
7 n4 c9 [: _) Q9 {: ^
) U/ |3 M* d1 K; b8 Q) _3 X9 [+ fMONDAY:
' }* P; C0 k0 [# x c) o% ?+ ^+ L4 H9 `# y* D1 b1 J! J- p* [/ k3 }
Started my day at 6 am. Tough to get out of bed, but it was well
6 V& U# a; [2 i$ U2 mworth it when I arrived at the health club to find Belinda waiting for+ d8 W) E- H7 l/ i
me. She was something of a Greek goddess-- with blonde hair, dancing
8 G. i( C' y1 _0 _2 Jeyes and a dazzling white smile. Woo Hoo!!!!!) z" l! Z5 q+ V% g6 {' w
( ~% h z, j( n# J: z v. o
She took my pulse after 5 minutes on the treadmill. She was alarmed5 [) c( j. z, ^2 s j& D
that my pulse was so fast, but I attributed it to standing next to her
& l5 F5 Z+ e3 a/ h3 ^in her Lycra aerobics outfit. I enjoyed watching the skilful way in2 e) S+ c3 J; k5 ~
which she conducted her aerobics class after my workout today./ n* V" t7 d5 j
! ]1 n6 B2 Z( b" t
Very inspiring, Belinda was encouraging as I did my sit-ups,
4 i9 d3 j: L. _although my gut was already aching from holding it in the whole time she
1 s+ N* F/ H5 o# awas around.1 L( l' k" C% K2 J
% \/ }7 T2 G5 D6 f, m+ m: Y# F) ZThis is going to be a FANTASTIC week!!
. k' }/ V4 {! R# ~3 b$ C
; p+ Q/ ?+ d9 H" w" MTUESDAY:8 }$ F% y& ]9 j& G- t% Z9 |
I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door.+ E8 ~$ w8 O& I: H
Belinda made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air, |/ z- Y+ A3 Z5 w. _
and then she put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the4 [, w% j3 g) S% u7 r; |
treadmill, but I made the full mile. Belinda's rewarding smile made it
9 ]: z0 z2 R: _1 J5 oall worthwhile.' q6 ` b% c3 `% K& o
/ _3 ~' `1 ^) S
I feel GREAT!! It's a whole new life for me.6 r$ Y4 Z9 M7 s+ X( T X
4 Y e% Q6 h( x* O! T
WEDNESDAY:
2 V4 ?& W# ~% d N& V2 iThe only way I can brush my teeth is by lying on the toothbrush on
, ?2 I P( n8 t7 }the counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have" U3 f. _ Q+ f% k
a hernia in both pectorals. Driving was okay as long as I didn't try to/ v( c6 g5 C+ m0 H2 d/ h; @/ ^4 \
steer or stop. Belinda was impatient with me, insisting that my screams
8 ^4 K: i( ]& abothered the other club members. Her voice is a little too perky for- w8 J5 @; {0 x. [; i! g
early in the morning and when she scolds, she gets this nasally whine+ o) `( J8 d- e: {, y F' g. I
that is VERY annoying. My chest hurts when I got on the treadmill, so4 ]" {3 U8 d2 B1 {+ g* w
Belinda put me on the stair monster. Why the hell would anyone invent a& V( C6 _3 {8 r: Q
machine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by elevators? Belinda
: _, B! G: ]+ K5 Xtold me it would help me get in shape and enjoy life.; `, ]5 V2 W: h9 B, Y9 F
$ W$ X' V; `0 _. ZShe said some other shit too.
' l/ {6 @& T' Y6 d) {4 j; l+ l, i
( `! |2 l" h7 ]THURSDAY:9 Q8 _/ V& X! P, n/ \0 H
Belinda was waiting for me with her vampire-like teeth exposed as" @9 C5 m, r7 T1 m# g
her thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn't help: u7 |. {$ \; X1 O+ A
being a half hour late; it took me that long to tie my shoes. Belinda
' \% [! j' A* }8 }, w2 q# S7 x; r; |took me to workout with dumbbells. When she was not looking, I ran and0 O( p( l/ {8 r1 ^; D8 _- v% b% x u
hid in the men's room.& o7 p9 S- s5 m$ t6 p) S: X
# y8 Q* Y- F+ ~; D: {She sent Lars to find me, then, as punishment, put me on the rowing
' i4 n) x8 j7 z: Omachine -- which I sank.
2 W' W/ A2 e0 n$ e1 Q
8 N$ ~# c! @1 D4 Y9 u- DFRIDAY:
5 T2 P9 [/ p; I T/ s% t$ G6 oI hate that bitch Belinda more than any human being has ever hated
" W( I0 k: g5 b* ?any other human being in the history of the world. Stupid, skinny,3 ?+ k$ Y& x* ^( L9 S
anemic little cheerleading bitch. If there were a part of my body I
( W# y- O% c3 }2 d' Ecould move without unbearable pain, I would beat her with it. Belinda
, M% i9 E& {0 j% ]0 ]* n; z& Cwanted me to work on my triceps. I don't have any triceps!4 M% I3 T$ o9 Z9 G
, N. d: B9 i% o9 ^And if you don't want dents in the floor, don't hand me
# e7 e+ x8 E0 Ithe*&%#(#&** barbells or anything that weighs more than a sandwich.$ y) f* s) v: J- v8 _8 f
+ E* d+ [4 O- ?$ Q9 p3 ~+ bThe treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and nutrition
$ U. U" _( S' k+ t# O0 w7 eteacher. Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like the drama coach
6 o0 ~. u4 y. ^2 s0 nor the choir director?4 o6 v: ?$ H" l# w; s
{1 @4 `# m$ U0 N3 Z3 r
SATURDAY:
5 d2 _! I5 `- t8 k; FBelinda left a message on my answering machine in her grating," T8 t7 X Q: h& v
shrilly voice wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing her4 h( G; G" |: n( c# O2 q, _ ]
made me want to smash the machine with my planner. However, I lacked the9 l$ r6 H3 g* U# B
strength to even use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven straight' {& ?6 a c% I3 J
hours of the Weather Channel.
1 M3 `8 w& E5 U9 F2 T9 P7 }; V+ O) ~0 _
SUNDAY:1 W5 Q$ t. B1 p4 P
I'm having the church van pick me up for services today so I can go2 T) }1 }- A2 Q9 L/ \- M; z
and thank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that next year,
8 I- Z* _* Y# smy wife (the other bitch), will choose a gift for me that is fun --like
3 f- q7 f, Y! I3 s% U! @# fa root canal or a vasectomy! |
|
狗仔卡
发表于 2008-1-22 12:49
提升卡
置顶卡
沉默卡
喧嚣卡
变色卡
显身卡
发表于 2008-1-22 13:23
