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If you read this without laughing out-loud, there is something
% b+ m. I' ]: ~( s1 U$ z; awrong with you. This is dedicated to everyone who ever attempted to get5 ?$ [+ u& |7 v% k3 [& y, V0 R$ I
into a regular workout routine.
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! A2 D; l+ R6 l% T& z6 [6 tDear Diary:
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For my fortieth birthday this year, my wife (the dear) purchased a6 R1 w( B& P: h" ~
week of personal training at the local health club for me. Although I
5 D0 C5 ` K/ t* J- }am still in great shape since playing on my college football team 259 ~9 w `8 c2 h; u/ d- D
years ago, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a
0 l% R. U" z1 U& H4 j. Ytry. I called the club and made my reservation with a personal trainer5 x4 Q {4 O# O# E) D- w( P
named Belinda, who identified herself as a 26 yr. old aerobics5 q: L$ n, j- j+ \
instructor and model for athletic clothing and swimwear./ I. y t! T2 C$ K3 v( W+ M
0 e' X/ I3 p/ f DMy wife seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started! The club( t" @: }( r3 I
encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress.
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/ l: {, n9 c7 X# ?, CMONDAY:8 t9 I) M, z( i: T
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Started my day at 6 am. Tough to get out of bed, but it was well
V* I4 ]1 |5 u6 E, n; Cworth it when I arrived at the health club to find Belinda waiting for
8 e9 d8 y8 Y( ]4 Pme. She was something of a Greek goddess-- with blonde hair, dancing
7 y# R' z' `! W" Weyes and a dazzling white smile. Woo Hoo!!!!!; @; C) P& k! G W
/ i5 P1 q/ n% p4 Z* i, jShe took my pulse after 5 minutes on the treadmill. She was alarmed
/ ~1 u3 S' h* M* E+ o0 X" kthat my pulse was so fast, but I attributed it to standing next to her/ y: O0 `. `1 q
in her Lycra aerobics outfit. I enjoyed watching the skilful way in5 |0 Z5 |% |$ l, F
which she conducted her aerobics class after my workout today.
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( U3 P: H8 u, B8 W G* }+ \Very inspiring, Belinda was encouraging as I did my sit-ups,8 i5 W6 L4 ~1 C$ ~9 _
although my gut was already aching from holding it in the whole time she& R4 b8 X: d4 ^6 E4 C
was around.: {, I9 w, S: u& m% T
7 ]" S+ Z5 ?+ D: xThis is going to be a FANTASTIC week!!2 c6 x! ^7 |( R6 s
7 p) t. w& ~3 q: GTUESDAY:
" i) ?. Y- p! [) D; tI drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door.: [- z. V* U4 V9 r
Belinda made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air,0 t6 v% \3 F! H
and then she put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the
" V! c6 v/ x5 ~8 p& K/ }treadmill, but I made the full mile. Belinda's rewarding smile made it6 E' D( W% u# d1 i* t' I) s1 `! Y. p- z6 O
all worthwhile.. O0 u5 ?* `' T( X" ?& b
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I feel GREAT!! It's a whole new life for me.
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/ k9 n7 k( t% {* xWEDNESDAY:
* r6 K! \) R+ L2 }, h6 n( C* QThe only way I can brush my teeth is by lying on the toothbrush on
- n/ H u' @7 A& l# m s5 X2 ~the counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have
5 f& w0 O9 e2 p) w, z! m2 Na hernia in both pectorals. Driving was okay as long as I didn't try to' z8 @: p% q+ g" }9 \) l$ a! G7 g
steer or stop. Belinda was impatient with me, insisting that my screams
3 Z8 j- {. ?# mbothered the other club members. Her voice is a little too perky for
7 v! S" j3 x ^+ |! Q+ G2 Oearly in the morning and when she scolds, she gets this nasally whine
. J, V: T% C. u" \: Dthat is VERY annoying. My chest hurts when I got on the treadmill, so
?& T* S+ O$ T+ l3 ?Belinda put me on the stair monster. Why the hell would anyone invent a
6 {! @# y' F& r! s; l- t; e9 Pmachine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by elevators? Belinda$ N( Z5 x: l8 |8 n
told me it would help me get in shape and enjoy life.% ], [3 k2 ~8 N {& t0 u0 i) _# K
8 U* C% U6 `+ G& F2 \She said some other shit too.
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THURSDAY:
. L- e7 B; H+ l* wBelinda was waiting for me with her vampire-like teeth exposed as4 ~1 B8 K1 \9 C2 a/ _# e
her thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn't help8 d3 W# C' s* P, h
being a half hour late; it took me that long to tie my shoes. Belinda
- t* Y9 @# S4 c) y: u; O4 H+ ntook me to workout with dumbbells. When she was not looking, I ran and
( n {: E c2 q" D7 Phid in the men's room.
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She sent Lars to find me, then, as punishment, put me on the rowing
9 Z2 w; `# f" G- C* Ymachine -- which I sank. f6 ]% K L) _5 ]8 h& C
% Z" c2 k) {5 m" a$ n4 s; RFRIDAY:
1 U/ m9 u9 r8 j9 Y* ?! N0 iI hate that bitch Belinda more than any human being has ever hated. V$ F( Y8 P0 a9 H" Q
any other human being in the history of the world. Stupid, skinny,( g2 S/ r& I7 e
anemic little cheerleading bitch. If there were a part of my body I
& Y( z/ F# a# C( J4 fcould move without unbearable pain, I would beat her with it. Belinda
; p' M9 u# m3 o$ T$ X5 mwanted me to work on my triceps. I don't have any triceps!) [5 ?! j3 I, K3 M
: s b. m- b8 \- yAnd if you don't want dents in the floor, don't hand me/ e% E: f1 m! ~+ Y5 G: f6 M
the*&%#(#&** barbells or anything that weighs more than a sandwich.
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: `/ L. M8 {: R; R% kThe treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and nutrition6 I p+ N' J6 ^/ [% l* t) p
teacher. Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like the drama coach
' ^4 v7 e& M: k( J/ Xor the choir director?
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SATURDAY:
' t9 S4 r! y; O U4 h+ tBelinda left a message on my answering machine in her grating,$ w* o! ?$ l1 F( H2 X
shrilly voice wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing her: `" I$ b6 s- ~# U2 x* T
made me want to smash the machine with my planner. However, I lacked the
$ }1 g/ Z2 B8 K7 K/ c4 lstrength to even use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven straight
& V- M4 \) K6 f5 U$ q1 D; jhours of the Weather Channel.6 {2 m# }, u& z7 ]: N
* g- k" U _% jSUNDAY:2 f2 l9 E0 l- C3 o/ i
I'm having the church van pick me up for services today so I can go
7 g/ b* Z, v# }( F& e$ Land thank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that next year,
7 M5 [7 f# I: F, O- U. Fmy wife (the other bitch), will choose a gift for me that is fun --like
0 n2 u) q/ Z4 [: Da root canal or a vasectomy! |
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