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If you read this without laughing out-loud, there is something
* s/ A* t3 S. T. W R4 k% xwrong with you. This is dedicated to everyone who ever attempted to get
! f' i6 s& q D6 L* Minto a regular workout routine.
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7 r* J2 w5 I' LDear Diary:
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For my fortieth birthday this year, my wife (the dear) purchased a
! I" b: {: a& `. g- x/ B/ sweek of personal training at the local health club for me. Although I. f5 f2 w3 x! Y: M4 \
am still in great shape since playing on my college football team 258 n+ ~: G$ ? {; A- s, l5 M
years ago, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a
. q7 Q( D% C( ctry. I called the club and made my reservation with a personal trainer
# n! V; \! ?; X. t1 G3 o! X$ }$ Enamed Belinda, who identified herself as a 26 yr. old aerobics
( _6 z3 {, D5 p' [8 V" U# U) t, _ Ainstructor and model for athletic clothing and swimwear., e# O8 S# r# d- u6 O
6 Q- j) q. r5 J2 R: a9 M8 \& _My wife seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started! The club4 ]# ~8 _" n& z$ A
encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress.
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MONDAY:& ]1 U7 H8 o- s: c" { s: b
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Started my day at 6 am. Tough to get out of bed, but it was well
. ^' I# t5 K) P( |+ uworth it when I arrived at the health club to find Belinda waiting for0 { i0 ~! F6 B+ W5 f) x0 V4 c
me. She was something of a Greek goddess-- with blonde hair, dancing$ b/ {' ^0 X/ H+ F" d9 k% S% j. M P! ?
eyes and a dazzling white smile. Woo Hoo!!!!!
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She took my pulse after 5 minutes on the treadmill. She was alarmed
4 p3 m) K& q, z8 P: R/ P3 vthat my pulse was so fast, but I attributed it to standing next to her
; s/ B3 x! e$ z5 S7 qin her Lycra aerobics outfit. I enjoyed watching the skilful way in+ ~2 j! E5 c) Q m! V
which she conducted her aerobics class after my workout today./ U) {' p {+ O) b0 K
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Very inspiring, Belinda was encouraging as I did my sit-ups,9 b5 u4 p+ |- s/ R1 M& y4 G: B6 g
although my gut was already aching from holding it in the whole time she
+ Q/ N8 r0 X6 K. ^- kwas around.- U# | \ Q M5 B4 r
5 G" x! t3 K! u7 @! WThis is going to be a FANTASTIC week!!7 f* c Z8 f) I$ |/ \, X
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TUESDAY:" Y2 F7 W- e# k5 b
I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door. |/ B V- V4 n# c( {
Belinda made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air,
) n2 a( K1 S" {) O! F7 a. h3 K" Vand then she put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the
/ V/ M, J& H" }0 Otreadmill, but I made the full mile. Belinda's rewarding smile made it3 n, Z$ B0 y- q
all worthwhile.
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I feel GREAT!! It's a whole new life for me.: H; j9 S' n0 N7 |9 a) p0 X3 g4 n R' `
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WEDNESDAY:& i* ?/ p# s% p0 D
The only way I can brush my teeth is by lying on the toothbrush on
5 J$ ]' e3 e# P9 x8 xthe counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have
! A# H# C# D- v+ Q Z: oa hernia in both pectorals. Driving was okay as long as I didn't try to. ^+ V" r, v0 U/ B. W( C
steer or stop. Belinda was impatient with me, insisting that my screams
5 K, y: Y4 g% Ybothered the other club members. Her voice is a little too perky for0 u5 g6 p' b/ c0 [; h8 R
early in the morning and when she scolds, she gets this nasally whine4 Q/ b2 [3 P, T4 x' e" R
that is VERY annoying. My chest hurts when I got on the treadmill, so1 x! M% Q. J" e
Belinda put me on the stair monster. Why the hell would anyone invent a+ n5 @& B8 G$ ?
machine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by elevators? Belinda
* \5 c2 I% e& |3 J/ c7 o, d& f! Ttold me it would help me get in shape and enjoy life.$ g/ B/ i: X, C
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She said some other shit too.1 f v8 p# A% e& q' K
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THURSDAY:! a7 S3 a# m" B# P7 m
Belinda was waiting for me with her vampire-like teeth exposed as
( W- `8 [% U* N$ ~6 y3 w9 Ther thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn't help
2 v1 d: ?+ _3 L* v" vbeing a half hour late; it took me that long to tie my shoes. Belinda
- A: C$ l' h6 V- Utook me to workout with dumbbells. When she was not looking, I ran and
6 n( [7 }7 K0 c/ {, }* }% fhid in the men's room.! a1 c2 }+ ^) t$ y; V2 z2 B" R* C4 W
; j/ g! U8 X# ]! k! kShe sent Lars to find me, then, as punishment, put me on the rowing
- Y: R; d- v# A; n/ Hmachine -- which I sank.
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FRIDAY:
! Y. a" F- {9 Q; \" qI hate that bitch Belinda more than any human being has ever hated! W. `* z2 W7 z3 g2 R9 w. L
any other human being in the history of the world. Stupid, skinny,
+ I) i$ P( y2 [( G. [2 R& C7 {anemic little cheerleading bitch. If there were a part of my body I# o+ I2 u* \) _$ V5 c, f
could move without unbearable pain, I would beat her with it. Belinda2 c% u; t9 W1 e: S" d8 S
wanted me to work on my triceps. I don't have any triceps!
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( o1 O2 ]9 W% C* OAnd if you don't want dents in the floor, don't hand me
5 G% `% n2 t. a" Xthe*&%#(#&** barbells or anything that weighs more than a sandwich.6 I$ ?; q8 K3 E2 e' ^% ^8 P
1 Q$ {$ F3 w/ V+ @/ w+ {# }The treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and nutrition
5 f& ]6 ]; d! h$ r" Mteacher. Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like the drama coach5 I; [: P8 ^3 t0 T; Z" P
or the choir director?
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SATURDAY:
8 Q7 j% m+ r5 e/ KBelinda left a message on my answering machine in her grating,
% e2 A/ ^! O& c) @* ~; l/ {+ l5 Zshrilly voice wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing her
7 q( W) q/ R3 G! ]7 G; z3 vmade me want to smash the machine with my planner. However, I lacked the
" ^& d4 c$ ]: S+ mstrength to even use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven straight! F" j/ D7 ]! S
hours of the Weather Channel.: ^6 ^ q; H! U5 A0 w, `6 j! I- U
8 v* Q6 n. \$ FSUNDAY:
$ H8 ]& Y& Y% b; N- B; YI'm having the church van pick me up for services today so I can go, k6 W# T- f9 t* a2 n
and thank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that next year,
4 ^0 p8 N" t0 S) p' tmy wife (the other bitch), will choose a gift for me that is fun --like
' T9 V: \7 X" g( ca root canal or a vasectomy! |
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狗仔卡
发表于 2008-1-22 12:49
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发表于 2008-1-22 13:23
