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If you read this without laughing out-loud, there is something
: `! ?3 _$ y6 A, J1 f& B! Dwrong with you. This is dedicated to everyone who ever attempted to get
2 [! s, Y" m7 I6 F# ^8 c0 Pinto a regular workout routine.. y) O0 ~+ o/ y. | q
0 `, b! G/ \: s, i; e3 F+ B7 @Dear Diary:
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' |! E# i0 P5 hFor my fortieth birthday this year, my wife (the dear) purchased a
( r: ]' [1 q' Kweek of personal training at the local health club for me. Although I
6 c& G5 | o) T+ I1 u& a" Ham still in great shape since playing on my college football team 25. f3 J! H8 s# R- J: N0 I X
years ago, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a
' O) A8 L9 J: m& ?: ]1 }' N5 ctry. I called the club and made my reservation with a personal trainer
/ @1 t; D: {" V* P2 {named Belinda, who identified herself as a 26 yr. old aerobics; w% m, i+ ^& y' e$ l
instructor and model for athletic clothing and swimwear.. z3 B# ^& u; \( o
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My wife seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started! The club
. [7 t' W8 \. K/ oencouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress.+ ]! K5 M. A2 w% Q( y
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MONDAY:
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Started my day at 6 am. Tough to get out of bed, but it was well
* t7 w2 }3 q- b8 R- g" pworth it when I arrived at the health club to find Belinda waiting for4 B) }! M& B- S6 j- B: _4 j) w
me. She was something of a Greek goddess-- with blonde hair, dancing. W1 C R) Y; L* j
eyes and a dazzling white smile. Woo Hoo!!!!!
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She took my pulse after 5 minutes on the treadmill. She was alarmed
1 K9 y% J# a2 w( G4 t Athat my pulse was so fast, but I attributed it to standing next to her4 D0 L+ ^1 I# t' e
in her Lycra aerobics outfit. I enjoyed watching the skilful way in
, R6 n8 _) G/ f5 U {' U# }* [which she conducted her aerobics class after my workout today.
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# V# c. K) e/ f( q* xVery inspiring, Belinda was encouraging as I did my sit-ups,. Q2 ^+ G9 c2 j1 l* e
although my gut was already aching from holding it in the whole time she
' {4 ~* m1 _& z: fwas around./ l8 s" k# U$ ]; P& C. _
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This is going to be a FANTASTIC week!!2 Y! J. f( H; {" D: R) s* U
% f2 a2 b1 [9 w2 B+ h/ z1 OTUESDAY:
2 }2 R$ J1 h1 ], p/ S0 J0 KI drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door.8 Y: j, A4 V0 M+ j
Belinda made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air,
6 N$ z2 S$ {/ X' c/ \and then she put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the# T3 Y G! u2 e, x* i0 E
treadmill, but I made the full mile. Belinda's rewarding smile made it
4 G3 S+ A( y# h+ }: }- t$ o, Pall worthwhile.
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5 c) d f& n$ h: |, @% ^* |. kI feel GREAT!! It's a whole new life for me.
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WEDNESDAY:7 R* V) S; `" b6 Z0 b. J' |& c
The only way I can brush my teeth is by lying on the toothbrush on5 X5 b/ g% o; J _8 g! X D
the counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have/ \* i. M) z! b8 g& I A
a hernia in both pectorals. Driving was okay as long as I didn't try to# M3 V; n3 r# q" S9 s6 L
steer or stop. Belinda was impatient with me, insisting that my screams+ y% F: n; g8 h! z7 H2 E
bothered the other club members. Her voice is a little too perky for( `7 E8 h0 c+ t
early in the morning and when she scolds, she gets this nasally whine
4 x* x# z9 l- \that is VERY annoying. My chest hurts when I got on the treadmill, so
% l! E! L0 U7 P1 {* ~Belinda put me on the stair monster. Why the hell would anyone invent a
+ ^" g$ D0 i$ D& j0 omachine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by elevators? Belinda
) o; I8 E7 A! Vtold me it would help me get in shape and enjoy life.- r& [0 F2 K1 B" w5 J. h
6 I/ b8 f& F1 u cShe said some other shit too.3 F7 ^& }* R8 M* T# D
7 n! Y+ f# Y) Y3 |2 w7 _2 | w
THURSDAY:
! n# t* A0 k. W" Z/ q1 Z+ xBelinda was waiting for me with her vampire-like teeth exposed as: R9 M, m3 N+ e7 S) x- e% ?
her thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn't help- E4 T- u7 m. ]
being a half hour late; it took me that long to tie my shoes. Belinda: B$ n! t/ F$ r
took me to workout with dumbbells. When she was not looking, I ran and
9 Z* w6 `, R. l- q/ Uhid in the men's room.
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' M( D, b: U: |7 G( T6 \8 @She sent Lars to find me, then, as punishment, put me on the rowing9 ?0 ^; e7 }, E& [3 i
machine -- which I sank.1 V9 }7 M; g- Z/ D* n4 {( F
' |$ l, h5 q% I# y% a) l3 e* GFRIDAY: i. z& q9 m9 l
I hate that bitch Belinda more than any human being has ever hated
& b$ G8 W6 S! _1 W; pany other human being in the history of the world. Stupid, skinny,$ b8 ^9 k0 @" u! W
anemic little cheerleading bitch. If there were a part of my body I
5 \ ~6 _. p1 t; o5 m+ Y! k! Pcould move without unbearable pain, I would beat her with it. Belinda8 d+ \' k) M) v2 |
wanted me to work on my triceps. I don't have any triceps!+ }$ A/ \9 r* T( ^, R
( L9 b% k; t& ^2 K( y* F- [) V4 v IAnd if you don't want dents in the floor, don't hand me8 Z" e5 P% y! u+ e. O$ |7 `
the*&%#(#&** barbells or anything that weighs more than a sandwich.( X, I) ]" {9 B V5 j$ H
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The treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and nutrition, a8 ?1 w2 U1 _ K: }
teacher. Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like the drama coach
+ ?2 \5 X% J2 ior the choir director?9 z4 b% u* X! ?2 L
9 z2 [5 S5 X9 H3 USATURDAY:
6 } g2 s6 f7 m0 ]6 w7 f1 c W- Y2 ^Belinda left a message on my answering machine in her grating,
7 l8 Q2 ?. L0 lshrilly voice wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing her
$ J0 |# ?% B& `made me want to smash the machine with my planner. However, I lacked the+ Q8 K+ m' F7 u8 o. L; D) L1 C
strength to even use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven straight
" x3 w( }: y8 X mhours of the Weather Channel.
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1 v, n( |4 X6 O: ^5 A. C5 vSUNDAY:
8 G# ]+ y E- n d; V6 N0 XI'm having the church van pick me up for services today so I can go
- f8 C j# \3 c' V/ z- land thank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that next year,' e% j1 Z, T/ N" r0 P; v4 b* }
my wife (the other bitch), will choose a gift for me that is fun --like
& }7 T# d3 G8 |- Aa root canal or a vasectomy! |
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狗仔卡
发表于 2008-1-22 12:49
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发表于 2008-1-22 13:23
