Modern Definitions

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The Washington Post publishes a yearly contest in which readers are asked to invent alternate meanings for various words.
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+ d1 L% F0 D# u9 EThe following were some of this year’s winning entries:

+ x  A/ e0 t# |3 N0 w1. Coffee (n.), a person who is coughed upon.
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2. Flabbergasted (adj.), appalled over how much weight you have .
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1 G2 f! D5 w& V3 @6 a3. Abdicate (v.), to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.
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: i* w) Y+ s- o- M+ V& L2 a8 q1 K4 ~4. Esplanade (v.), to attempt an explanation while drunk.

5. Willy-nilly (adj.), impotent

' o: O) {) f, I% m: Z9 l* O6. Negligent (adj.), describes a condition in which you absentmindedly answer the door in your nightie.

! Y1 d0 \: X* @0 k" a- G7. Lymph (v.), to walk with a lisp.

" a! \2 @, y, L7 a9 K- A8. Gargoyle (n.), an olive-flavoured mouthwash.
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9. Flatulence (n.) the emergency vehicle that picks you up after you are run over by a steamroller.
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10. Balderdash (n.), a rapidly receding hairline.

11. Testicle (n.), a humorous question on an exam.

* A% P, W% h8 n' B; B7 u9 G12. Rectitude (n.), the formal, dignified demeanour assumed by a proctologist immediately before he examines you.

13. Oyster (n.), a person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddish expressions.
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14. Circumvent (n.), the opening in the front of boxer shorts.

1 b+ u) G- y2 L1 c6 B, ?% O15. Frisbeetarianism (n.), The belief that, when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck there.
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' }. M. a7 ^8 b& ?! R* C) g16. Pokemon (n.), A Jamaican proctologist.