我今天刚写的英文诗, 高手给提提意见

我在故我思

Falling in love

) J8 a, `6 A- F! Z4 u) [I fell in love with you
& ]1 J0 ]" U  x6 ~2 d& }$ rAt the first week we met
" x2 `  _/ y1 s1 }2 _! \
6 _6 U9 p' A' r( @9 T, {% k5 iYou have charm, you have looks
/ a& M( x9 j# B  s/ q6 Y2 R' Ywith full of pimples in face
1 A* ]) n8 c9 q  D3 ~( {As spotting sky at a summer night
. V: n: Z1 |2 k( u( YThey are shining stars

7 P# w4 ^2 j. XYour lip is so big
And that’s good for a kiss
Your body is chubby
9 _6 U9 ?# S* \+ _% `/ x  H! dAnd that is good for sex

1 F3 L4 x* ?. }$ [* W. iI was deeply in love
; ?0 F* a& g. ?/ {1 WEverything from you is positive
# I. }- i" d1 WYou blame me everything and everyday
And I think all girls sound like

# \+ q1 c# l, o( wYou could not stand my eating
2 T, t: v7 r/ {1 eSaying no good for making funny sound
, D8 D* X/ R  z. v; S7 w- s6 RI think you are perfectly right
Eating with sound is a pig
. h2 M* _, c1 m! J
I fell in love with you
7 Z6 y/ ?& t. I8 l1 x7 Y. x" ~Become a fool to think
All trouble things you did
And that is the price for love
4 x/ l" W) O: H) l# o
4 e# N" e# u0 ryou are deeply in love
Everything from me is negative
"My man should be like this,
and I am helping you to improve'

+ N0 p# T8 d; z" r2 i1 d5 TYou are loving me
$ |! w+ h4 a+ n& O' a3 ior that one in your mind?
My mind is like a mud
can be shaped whatever you want

unfortunalety not my heart
It is slashed by you
6 g2 `$ {4 d0 R4 Y7 w6 vand I am seriously hurt

5 u& S  {. z# T  F7 p$ B$ i/ {I will never love another
If my heart can be fixed

冰山上的来客

my english is so poor, can't understand your meaning.

米兔丫

这个，能不能叫情人眼里出西施，连小痘痘都升级作STAR了＝。＝

犀牛图拉

我在故我思

原帖由 冰山上的来客 于 2008-12-21 19:53 发表
) [5 I) |. N2 amy english is so poor, can't understand your meaning.

咱可是请高手指点, 你都不明白, 我看就算了吧

肆贰叁

配上卡萨布兰卡的旋律就可以唱了，呵呵

我在故我思

楼上, 卡萨布兰卡的歌好听吗?

raymont

强！强！强！SEX!SEX!SEX!
不过像我这种对中文诗都没有什么研究的人，对贵作就更不敢胡言乱语啦！顶一下。

therainbow

sweeite,
* S* `' I8 g" ]0 p9 Di am sorry to say that ur poem sucks.
3 F4 s; ~' I/ o" \/ w% H! Y& [And this is something I change. Whatever left r too sucky to be changed
. l& v& Q) c+ p. T$ o9 Z$ _
6 j( @4 d) I  y; A6 owith the charm,
2 A2 l3 p4 M7 fwith the simles.
+ `9 A$ M$ t$ _5 R" q9 FI fell in love with you
1 @+ s$ v3 n, ?, ^9 f. ^In the first sign.
* g. n0 |( e4 E7 P: _6 D' P1 ]$ }As spotting sky at a summer

Your lip is so soft
+ Y, N1 s) c* v" M% dthere is not honey can sweeter than ur kiss
Your body is so sexy
( T2 O: Q- H7 s' T3 J9 E( l/ |) YAnd I cannt image the moment I  touch u.

I am deeply in love
: q0 r2 y, H9 E+ g* VEverything from you is so charming
+ i1 @! z" [+ Ralthough You r so picky for me
And I take them as ur buttefly feelings.

therainbow

THis is the poem in SNTC S2 and it is not a good one 2.
, X5 J( x! }+ f& a! T- [* [, t# N+ w# NBut u can copy the way how she ranges the poem
0 i* _4 i7 Q2 U3 K( N% [
7 S( w' B. w0 G. C& ?3 A7 k
' @! v! o- F" O0 t6 ^, J- rHis hello is the end of her endings
! q, J9 [) J' H$ {Her laugh is their first step down  the aisle
! T5 P% t7 W" h3 z6 YHis hand would be hers to hold forever
His forever is simply as her smile
He said she was what was missing
She said instantly she knew
She was a question to be answered
; m0 u* ~/ b0 P1 }And his answer is
7 V3 O) X% d# s' z) X' @( uI do

我在故我思

Rain bow, you are so right. You improved it , and now it is much better. Seems you also like poems. that is good and wish to keep in touch with each other. Merry Xmas

+ I6 ~) {6 u* ~' `6 T. w, ?Below is my new one, any comment?

我在故我思

It’s amazing how I felt

5 u6 T" Y7 n, b  o) P, hIt's amazing how I felt
when I was with you
- R2 y# N% l2 Z5 j7 }My heart beat so fast
I looked at you and thought
Holy Jesus, you were so cute

# h) _* o  X2 c* H! j- m! \; CYou left me without a word
" i+ @0 p" f' h, kI have nothing except my emptiness
My mood is like a cloud
How could it be dispersed?
/ B; ]+ l! Y* ?' q! N5 n) J& a
& H# S0 Z! j9 IFeelings bite my heart
% W: ~% w  L6 hYou are the right one I wait
: E! l4 ]3 Z  R: nIn the depth of my soul
: N* G6 L% [! cI will love you till I'm dead

therainbow

闻一多怎么说来着,诗歌有音乐美,建筑美,绘画美
% P* o& k2 X$ K6 ~- y3 i( n; I你的就是白花文,而且很多英文的用法根本不地道
/ H+ {$ R- N# H' ~9 Y+ C- H% D' U就和用中文写一次
阿,我爱你
你让我心跳好快
/ Q3 L. G3 c# F你让我脸发热
我爱上你的大嘴唇
% ~; O% V' D: o( y0 F& X: U2 bXXXXX
不知道你能不能受得了这样的中文呢?

如果你写得如此白话文的话,不如向你喜欢的女子写封LOVE LETTER
至于,你最缺乏的意境,强烈要求你参考我给你贴的诗歌, 看看别人怎么用最白话的文字,写出有绘画美,建筑美和音乐美的东西

蓝言雪

楼主的湿，绝对要赞一个，那叫做雷死人不要钱！强就一个字！！！！

我在故我思

原帖由 therainbow 于 2008-12-24 15:24 发表
  Z2 u- L8 A: b2 \2 R! i闻一多怎么说来着,诗歌有音乐美,建筑美,绘画美
你的就是白花文,而且很多英文的用法根本不地道
就和用中文写一次
阿,我爱你
你让我心跳好快
你让我脸发热
. \' P4 t8 K# Q" V( ]我爱上你的大嘴唇
XXXXX
不知道你能不能受得了这样的 ...

3 _3 g. b" f8 N; M6 I  D7 V靠, 你要是不爱女人的厚嘴唇和性感的身体的话, 难道你会爱女人的脚趾头和胳胳窝不成?

therainbow

恩,我无语了

ram

这也叫诗,勇气大大的.

费莫

Match the following Song! Casablanca.
- Y0 H6 v; o3 q3 i! [# Q, [* {

爱中成长

竟陵残雪

码字能连句，转行也成诗。。。