我今天刚写的英文诗, 高手给提提意见

我在故我思

Falling in love

% [/ J% c  H. k3 |6 h2 x8 hI fell in love with you
* ?1 i. m7 ]: rAt the first week we met
: F$ R2 r- w" a7 A' G1 ~, C
You have charm, you have looks
with full of pimples in face
As spotting sky at a summer night
They are shining stars
( y; C, |' T7 O$ |
Your lip is so big
And that’s good for a kiss
9 o, _2 q1 y6 K: n+ L/ |Your body is chubby
5 h; d) ?- D+ d5 H$ u6 z: CAnd that is good for sex

I was deeply in love
Everything from you is positive
4 j2 \- }5 s4 e7 U/ [% t% k8 rYou blame me everything and everyday
1 B7 ?1 a. r) I" F9 Y$ FAnd I think all girls sound like

- N  W3 ?2 m' y8 l/ n/ h$ j+ ^You could not stand my eating
Saying no good for making funny sound
' B; `$ ]2 ]; s, z+ H" aI think you are perfectly right
7 C! a. h3 Y$ \$ i# p6 rEating with sound is a pig
: b/ e/ p! @2 A2 N2 v
I fell in love with you
Become a fool to think
$ F( O5 u" K0 [& D7 _  RAll trouble things you did
And that is the price for love
$ r0 q6 W$ l  c: e4 x
you are deeply in love
" F- T3 d; r4 s. }. E2 m8 H, r  sEverything from me is negative
"My man should be like this,
and I am helping you to improve'

You are loving me
or that one in your mind?
My mind is like a mud
can be shaped whatever you want
% ?. A% ]! ^3 [" l6 \
unfortunalety not my heart
# Z2 j+ s+ v5 U8 \# V1 qIt is slashed by you
5 p: U+ _" D( R- ?and I am seriously hurt

I will never love another
- @) |) l, |! g% p. iIf my heart can be fixed

冰山上的来客

my english is so poor, can't understand your meaning.

米兔丫

这个，能不能叫情人眼里出西施，连小痘痘都升级作STAR了＝。＝

犀牛图拉

我在故我思

原帖由 冰山上的来客 于 2008-12-21 19:53 发表
9 l0 e. F8 I* G$ M8 Hmy english is so poor, can't understand your meaning.

咱可是请高手指点, 你都不明白, 我看就算了吧

肆贰叁

配上卡萨布兰卡的旋律就可以唱了，呵呵

我在故我思

楼上, 卡萨布兰卡的歌好听吗?

raymont

强！强！强！SEX!SEX!SEX!
不过像我这种对中文诗都没有什么研究的人，对贵作就更不敢胡言乱语啦！顶一下。

therainbow

sweeite,
5 g- @6 J8 \) n: O/ O# [i am sorry to say that ur poem sucks.
( K8 I) X% \' I6 U3 l. uAnd this is something I change. Whatever left r too sucky to be changed

: F  Y: l1 L8 n" vwith the charm,
with the simles.
I fell in love with you
; t) g- U& O, X: p: yIn the first sign.
% N  M! P& T- c1 {As spotting sky at a summer

Your lip is so soft
% R! Y5 z' h  b) P/ Wthere is not honey can sweeter than ur kiss
* a  ]4 @/ Y3 b9 l$ K0 ]$ wYour body is so sexy
And I cannt image the moment I  touch u.
6 e3 {( B3 I) T* @5 F+ k  Y) Y
I am deeply in love
) f9 @% g& g/ h# a  f8 dEverything from you is so charming
although You r so picky for me
And I take them as ur buttefly feelings.

therainbow

THis is the poem in SNTC S2 and it is not a good one 2.
But u can copy the way how she ranges the poem

$ ~) V5 k' I5 C& V- X5 c" J2 r
His hello is the end of her endings
9 b5 ~0 l7 |' Z# lHer laugh is their first step down  the aisle
His hand would be hers to hold forever
) A" f9 ^6 B0 b) N$ t5 V# n& tHis forever is simply as her smile
1 }. G. U1 }. d( G( Z2 ?He said she was what was missing
She said instantly she knew
! H/ _: n; W" _+ w# NShe was a question to be answered
( h9 Q, T7 E6 ^And his answer is
6 c( h- J9 O6 LI do

我在故我思

Rain bow, you are so right. You improved it , and now it is much better. Seems you also like poems. that is good and wish to keep in touch with each other. Merry Xmas

) i: }; M1 k; T4 e" f. }Below is my new one, any comment?

我在故我思

It’s amazing how I felt
5 l8 e4 z8 k1 M8 Y& ~
It's amazing how I felt
0 |" t7 c! E% w& f3 twhen I was with you
% V* v5 L7 F  y: N( bMy heart beat so fast
I looked at you and thought
; E8 ]. A* i1 K: w  e# u8 _9 @Holy Jesus, you were so cute

You left me without a word
+ I* W: @2 v, f7 [5 x- k# ]I have nothing except my emptiness
My mood is like a cloud
# |* K0 Z/ O. u: y, J) ^How could it be dispersed?

! _3 Q) b$ ^. p: XFeelings bite my heart
You are the right one I wait
In the depth of my soul
  n3 P2 a- r; j2 n2 rI will love you till I'm dead

therainbow

闻一多怎么说来着,诗歌有音乐美,建筑美,绘画美
你的就是白花文,而且很多英文的用法根本不地道
) Y" i/ }" L) a  Z就和用中文写一次
阿,我爱你
# Y; b6 n- G7 h! S1 s你让我心跳好快
你让我脸发热
我爱上你的大嘴唇
" l) U2 ~4 H! q) H  [XXXXX
不知道你能不能受得了这样的中文呢?
1 h* h: l; q) `# |' i- @" |
2 R( w- W" X& O. r1 M( N  K如果你写得如此白话文的话,不如向你喜欢的女子写封LOVE LETTER
0 t! E6 j2 S7 A! c' s, h至于,你最缺乏的意境,强烈要求你参考我给你贴的诗歌, 看看别人怎么用最白话的文字,写出有绘画美,建筑美和音乐美的东西

蓝言雪

楼主的湿，绝对要赞一个，那叫做雷死人不要钱！强就一个字！！！！

我在故我思

原帖由 therainbow 于 2008-12-24 15:24 发表
闻一多怎么说来着,诗歌有音乐美,建筑美,绘画美
你的就是白花文,而且很多英文的用法根本不地道
就和用中文写一次
阿,我爱你
% U! B, ]2 x! ]! p! E你让我心跳好快
4 w0 L* K- X# i% Y. x4 y& x% }你让我脸发热
我爱上你的大嘴唇
" ?  i% c, g, A3 }7 S" yXXXXX
# F8 J8 h! r; @+ Q3 G8 n1 Z不知道你能不能受得了这样的 ...

& B8 N5 [* ]8 j- Y
6 I3 L2 x% b( S靠, 你要是不爱女人的厚嘴唇和性感的身体的话, 难道你会爱女人的脚趾头和胳胳窝不成?

therainbow

恩,我无语了

ram

这也叫诗,勇气大大的.

费莫

Match the following Song! Casablanca.
1 f2 Q0 V' @5 r/ c( x, _3 t9 I0 H

爱中成长

竟陵残雪

码字能连句，转行也成诗。。。