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我今天刚写的英文诗, 高手给提提意见

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发表于 2008-12-21 12:21 | 显示全部楼层 |阅读模式
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
Falling in love
3 u3 n3 I% _, T* ?; C9 O, ~1 W+ J* e  r& {6 I
I fell in love with you $ k) |: \* M' K, h0 ]. ?
At the first week we met7 @8 {: s: ]7 d1 g& S5 P
* ]1 k; A1 x: N" w) q; ?  p
You have charm, you have looks
! n" J' K6 z$ m* dwith full of pimples in face# g2 i% j* M' U
As spotting sky at a summer night
) j+ k. S3 z& z/ {6 l+ M. |6 @5 oThey are shining stars7 o7 _, s6 n  R: O0 x  G/ a% w. J
2 M$ P, j: c; n. t
Your lip is so big
8 X9 X' G3 o& M$ WAnd that’s good for a kiss
5 x$ @$ p' W5 h; y# P0 d  y2 cYour body is chubby9 n% R+ a) u& a: T8 s- u  e
And that is good for sex- d& h# H4 @) N# n7 X# `4 F
# ~6 R* G4 c! M! h
I was deeply in love
% @1 ?$ _3 [6 C) }- X& u7 ZEverything from you is positive. `4 T* h+ _$ v5 Z# e7 C0 q
You blame me everything and everyday
8 j5 p1 ]& T, oAnd I think all girls sound like
$ ^& h1 i9 {; b& T/ Z$ k( ]2 O: @# h2 B8 O" O4 Z1 Z, w  ]8 o
You could not stand my eating4 l4 w' x: p* N8 F" r) i) o
Saying no good for making funny sound
, d0 _  ~$ k7 x2 b. e& f/ M% [$ uI think you are perfectly right; E) |2 s9 X9 K  r  Q# i
Eating with sound is a pig
/ X6 w3 }5 G  {3 s: r+ w0 m1 \' n$ e3 p
I fell in love with you
" m+ i7 s% T. i" S5 S' e" |. LBecome a fool to think& J. K' Y! C) X- m3 s7 L8 ]
All trouble things you did) x" J9 l9 c( y/ s
And that is the price for love7 A) n- m0 Q; W6 B4 m
! z9 M5 w$ }- A
you are deeply in love
! E( u" b$ g( f4 v$ R0 j/ GEverything from me is negative4 W, p: [7 y  f
"My man should be like this,
3 N" @4 R6 m' Z, U. fand I am helping you to improve'  t- O, M. C$ O7 v! \

5 ]5 Q8 v0 X8 O" IYou are loving me " [& J6 I% j8 e- c; v- P
or that one in your mind?+ y0 i' J: G/ T( ?6 l
My mind is like a mud3 m: _& |( k. S* S3 @% D! x) o
can be shaped whatever you want
# m- V7 K2 I) _& e% R( h6 ^$ X% F3 B) t" ^8 e1 {
unfortunalety not my heart# C; H0 M3 u* N6 C) Q
It is slashed by you 3 s! S/ B# f' k$ C4 t" f
and I am seriously hurt
/ ^% [# `. e/ c/ A, H8 u& _) L0 k8 Q$ b
I will never love another
( s: a6 N" {3 {% I- |3 J: iIf my heart can be fixed
鲜花(657) 鸡蛋(3)
发表于 2008-12-21 19:53 | 显示全部楼层
my english is so poor, can't understand your meaning.
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发表于 2008-12-21 19:57 | 显示全部楼层
这个,能不能叫情人眼里出西施,连小痘痘都升级作STAR了=。=
鲜花(40) 鸡蛋(1)
发表于 2008-12-21 20:46 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队 追求完美
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 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-22 17:44 | 显示全部楼层
原帖由 冰山上的来客 于 2008-12-21 19:53 发表 # \5 n/ r0 b( {) ?0 c; @  r
my english is so poor, can't understand your meaning.
0 R! w* u+ |% z/ W4 H# }% `

# S6 Y. C5 r  V; ]& m6 T# G咱可是请高手指点, 你都不明白, 我看就算了吧
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发表于 2008-12-22 18:06 | 显示全部楼层
配上卡萨布兰卡的旋律就可以唱了,呵呵
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 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-22 21:34 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
楼上, 卡萨布兰卡的歌好听吗?
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发表于 2008-12-23 19:24 | 显示全部楼层

楼主的诗很雷人

强!强!强!SEX!SEX!SEX!
7 q! q) D1 }) i: v% ?# T2 b不过像我这种对中文诗都没有什么研究的人,对贵作就更不敢胡言乱语啦!顶一下。
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发表于 2008-12-24 07:04 | 显示全部楼层
sweeite, 6 [" N7 O! ?5 f, \$ I4 S6 i0 z
i am sorry to say that ur poem sucks.$ r2 T. o* p4 y/ o
And this is something I change. Whatever left r too sucky to be changed. ^7 F6 T& V' q% [

2 k( p$ o( ?6 @! Y; Bwith the charm," \4 z; h0 G( u; l3 ~
with the simles.; n$ ]$ m2 T8 b& G+ ?; g4 `
I fell in love with you 6 v! M, K7 Y9 ^$ j
In the first sign.. h( V0 r' Q1 g# R/ m
As spotting sky at a summer 5 R% o5 S! w4 [0 e
" S! k, K0 j1 R
Your lip is so soft & _! x7 A$ @; C& h+ r! Q. x  A
there is not honey can sweeter than ur kiss2 g" W( b: w2 ^+ [2 x
Your body is so sexy: ]6 M. `' W# ~% \
And I cannt image the moment I  touch u.* a% o5 v0 g9 R9 @: I) i! [

: p7 ^4 u5 X2 U& d: SI am deeply in love
/ G# ~9 q. i2 iEverything from you is so charming
, z, g, e* ~/ Z( O* K+ Calthough You r so picky for me
1 p- P* {& |: J, }$ ^; B% n5 ^6 qAnd I take them as ur buttefly feelings.
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发表于 2008-12-24 07:16 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
THis is the poem in SNTC S2 and it is not a good one 2.
& u/ I. Y/ e8 z* [4 @But u can copy the way how she ranges the poem
% u' `7 i2 X$ W& R" c( ~, o
7 H( Q. g* _2 j2 `0 K* ]* s
  S, q( h+ O$ s! Z; d3 m' AHis hello is the end of her endings
4 I5 R' i# X. SHer laugh is their first step down  the aisle
  g1 g+ x& U5 F8 ~/ CHis hand would be hers to hold forever4 f1 |0 a" ]" @% r1 H' M* y% h2 w3 K9 I
His forever is simply as her smile
/ R. c4 |! @* L4 bHe said she was what was missing
2 E# g3 R( w. `! ]. AShe said instantly she knew6 ^7 K& w; k! X+ z; _+ f* f. k2 Q
She was a question to be answered# I6 Z  A$ k5 V& ]- o* b
And his answer is
3 j% Z' |8 O  M6 z& ^" qI do
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 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-24 14:37 | 显示全部楼层
Rain bow, you are so right. You improved it , and now it is much better. Seems you also like poems. that is good and wish to keep in touch with each other. Merry Xmas
: P% {  k! P( D# ]7 N9 h& s3 y6 z3 f. w# ?7 M
Below is my new one, any comment?
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 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-24 14:38 | 显示全部楼层
It’s amazing how I felt
! [* S- i* q! m4 S* S3 u: T! ^$ l% d3 x. I2 U7 X- ^: F% Q( M5 B7 l
It's amazing how I felt
* H) ]' m3 V  U# a' ]when I was with you
8 V8 l  c  x: _+ u4 n) LMy heart beat so fast
3 S- t5 @& E0 F* J& g7 SI looked at you and thought0 x; j) E/ V; s; ?
Holy Jesus, you were so cute
" N' Q, S5 K. Y  i* q- Q, H9 v+ e  i9 z9 ~$ g4 W2 _1 \+ V' D
You left me without a word
! E. `2 O! \$ n. E/ r3 P8 O6 U5 VI have nothing except my emptiness
6 w, n+ _& B/ ~/ n4 lMy mood is like a cloud0 G) W3 ]* e' u
How could it be dispersed?+ R6 y2 @6 C  }& B

' D) j! n) _$ ]/ f" W+ p3 j7 LFeelings bite my heart " [; l! |' O# T9 I: x3 |
You are the right one I wait
  r! d  o5 W. w) i. M/ |8 oIn the depth of my soul1 m$ t, a& v# S, a' k
I will love you till I'm dead
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发表于 2008-12-24 15:24 | 显示全部楼层
同言同羽 置业良晨
闻一多怎么说来着,诗歌有音乐美,建筑美,绘画美) a) @3 t! c1 M; [% T
你的就是白花文,而且很多英文的用法根本不地道9 p4 P- Z" v6 F8 [
就和用中文写一次
! p) k6 y' }* _: r: }9 Q阿,我爱你
. G+ o. \( ]! G你让我心跳好快
# E5 [0 }( K# b! U. D1 z你让我脸发热
; i. R  X& ~4 ^6 x我爱上你的大嘴唇0 V2 X9 ]6 _, q# S! I
XXXXX
7 a  g7 l0 x) n$ q2 p* W6 h不知道你能不能受得了这样的中文呢?
9 ~: U  U2 T1 B: x) q5 p% J" X0 H, Y( ~' v& D' l3 f& n# t
如果你写得如此白话文的话,不如向你喜欢的女子写封LOVE LETTER
" D( d! b/ [' w, }至于,你最缺乏的意境,强烈要求你参考我给你贴的诗歌, 看看别人怎么用最白话的文字,写出有绘画美,建筑美和音乐美的东西
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发表于 2008-12-24 15:31 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
楼主的湿,绝对要赞一个,那叫做雷死人不要钱!强就一个字!!!!
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 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-24 16:03 | 显示全部楼层
原帖由 therainbow 于 2008-12-24 15:24 发表
: K& r5 d# ?  i! |8 P& K  {闻一多怎么说来着,诗歌有音乐美,建筑美,绘画美8 h4 w$ u: A% {8 e# ^) Q- b- Y0 _7 Y
你的就是白花文,而且很多英文的用法根本不地道  L0 e/ q' r- s% [
就和用中文写一次3 {" V- ~3 G: T9 J/ a4 k2 k$ p
阿,我爱你
) B- }. j7 m; ~你让我心跳好快
4 M' |* s6 [0 S( h7 Y; K你让我脸发热
8 N' K4 R- J1 J& L2 a  J我爱上你的大嘴唇
( V2 K  I& y% W; n5 S, d& t& E) [XXXXX+ G7 {) }1 _2 l8 `
不知道你能不能受得了这样的 ...

) ~9 T* i8 C) f+ j- Y5 n$ N* f6 _
靠, 你要是不爱女人的厚嘴唇和性感的身体的话, 难道你会爱女人的脚趾头和胳胳窝不成?
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发表于 2008-12-25 00:13 | 显示全部楼层
恩,我无语了
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发表于 2008-12-25 07:37 | 显示全部楼层
同言同羽 置业良晨
这也叫诗,勇气大大的.
鲜花(1115) 鸡蛋(0)
发表于 2008-12-25 12:22 | 显示全部楼层
Match the following Song! Casablanca.# n/ k" t( u' X: a" I
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发表于 2008-12-25 16:55 | 显示全部楼层
鲜花(120) 鸡蛋(0)
发表于 2008-12-31 02:08 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
码字能连句,转行也成诗。。。
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