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<慢慢地想起你>的试译

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鲜花(16) 鸡蛋(2)
发表于 2008-1-30 21:56 | 显示全部楼层 |阅读模式
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
有人发起了翻译竞赛,重在参与.想和大家磋商,所以先抛砖引玉,把一个不成熟的翻译先贴出来,过几天也许还改一改.翻译有意译和直译,由于不太懂英文的诗歌写作,又想保留原文意思,所以就直译了,2 `5 S5 |: h1 w: D1 t: M
,.清晨,急匆匆的走过安静的街道。Early morning I am walking by the quiet street in a hurry.  
, E1 ~' F. T% s$ O6 @零星树叶的飘落,松鼠开始了忙碌。Partial leaves fall down everywhere, squirrels are busily running .
, ?; [/ F' |3 A; @& m, w现在的我,一如一年前的那个我。同名同姓。The current I, the same as one year, the same given name , and the same family name.
( o; |6 F5 ^% e梳相同的发型,背同样的背囊,不苟言笑。The same hairstyle, the same bag, reserved laughing and talking.6 ~  q% j# b. z+ S' D* `
眉眼间却似乎多了什麽,又少了什麽。Seemingly added something in my eyes, or lack something.
3 z4 t. f. Y. J# E3 G, `夏天过得那麽快,我几乎遗忘了那些个汗津津的夜晚。Summer went so fast, I almost forgot those sweating night.
& V, E5 P) p: |% |6 m) ^7 X猫儿们在炎热的时候常常彻夜在窗外乘凉,追逐打闹。Cats were often playing the whole hot night outside windows to get cool.
/ l0 J9 D1 m: z1 C! ^就像多年以前的我们,似乎也是如此天真的肆无忌惮。Like us many years ago, mindless self indulgence.+ O2 K  p3 I& V* F! [8 I! v
我常常在入秋的时候怀念夏天,I often cherish the memory of the summer  and those people that make me riant even I am in a very bad state of mind when the autumn is coming以及
6 R6 m4 b% i7 q8 ^那些在最烦躁时想起也会微笑的人们。
* g# g+ W) t; I6 E- `% o世情缘无非是梦 The emotion and the carma only is a dream.( ?% U5 p: R6 }) L  M
昨夜温存不该的相逢 That shouldn`t happen to meet each other last tenderly night.3 B9 c2 D" n" Y
想要忘记又不忍放弃 I want to forget it but can`t bear to give it up.; o9 U" ]2 m6 N7 N
最怕爱上像你这样冷漠又温柔的人I am afraid of loving the person like you who is inhospitality and also mild. ! M* q; `% T* n' \: `0 k$ y. E
寂寞世界谁来靠近 In this lonely world whom I can step inside love?; C  ]* i! I% E6 ~( w2 ]
醉过之後身边冷清清intoxicated then feel cold.* U! L7 J8 S3 [' H
迷路的心没方向的云The labyrinthine heart is like the cloud with no direction.
- K( Q; T4 U, _0 P  E最怕拥有这样似有若无的感情I am afraid of most having the emotion that seems to have but not really have.
! v2 m0 X' O# o6 H& n多情人都把灵魂给了谁 The amorous men to whom you gave your soul?
3 K) ?- g6 A% U2 }$ X  CWhy I am always hoodwinked!为何眼楮总是蒙了灰'     ….
3 `3 `% V( K. {! J/ }* X多少次小心翼翼告诉自己I have told to myself many times cautiously0 N6 h. a: L: W: m4 e& q) s/ E
不要坠入痴情的轮回 Don`t fall into the spoony whirligig.
1 ^" w# A/ B: U2 f多情人总让伤给灌醉The amorous women always get drunk by desolation,
* A* j) W4 s+ H! M为何潇洒一点都不会Why can`t I take it easy?
0 m  T/ s7 F0 w多少爱恩恩怨怨换来今生How endless tears that got in return for kindness and enmity!
& W( P# Y# O/ A# e5 M- w8 e永难平息的泪$ Y" ]% h( ?1 C/ t4 l' b
每当夜深人静时,When the quiet night comes
9 L: B" _2 H( j" l( z( p~我的眼前常常会泛起你的身影。Your figure usually appears in front of my eyes.1 z& I! q6 |: |/ _
当你看到我时的那一声问候The greeting when you met me mad my heart in touched unaccountably.; L" F% G6 |7 A
让我的心里感到一种莫名的心动,- d/ b( i/ t2 {& h/ }8 G
你的yours of a smile, a gesture and a piece of words genialize my current disconsolate heart and soul
0 G! l  w7 H4 q9 z- p- M一抹微笑;( R8 E/ T. V! K8 I$ Y/ q
一个手势;
9 q& {" P+ n2 w# u9 i1 T一片话语,
# ^4 f* V. O% H4 {愉悦著此时我惆怅的心灵、5 ~8 D2 H- K8 @5 {: q$ y4 D
明亮著我漆黑的角落,The moon lights the dark corner
2 a- @/ O& B. [* m3 D2 `: w: o1 f心里总能感觉到点点温馨。I feel a bit of cozy.
" v0 t& R7 m' [2 p* n9 i这一瞬的爱恋,The deeply attached to you in a twinkling
0 U; y6 t2 S! v  I# _也许是一生一世的最亮点。maybe is the most light spot in my whole life..) Y4 S& H. V8 Y5 ~- v
起初,对你的出现,I didn`t cherish your appearance at first,3 M( {9 b$ E3 a$ p
我并不以为然。7 @9 O- L) ?7 P- }' Q; ?2 E: s. F
可随著时间的流失,but accompanying with the time passed   e) p4 P$ K8 A0 o( D
慢慢的不知不觉中,I am bounded slowly and unconsciously by the emotion .2 q, L( H- z( u( T- [2 o
被一种情绪所左右,, A. @3 O8 O; L7 D/ P
总感到一种难 以名状的朦胧的喜悦。 always feel joyful indistinctly and nondescriptly .( i6 l4 w$ F. j  Q5 d4 G5 K1 b
即不问你是否喜欢我,Without asking you if you like me and if I like you
9 d- a* T9 U. E9 F( `( K也不问我是否喜欢你,
( Q; R  E3 N* _' e7 x* T对你的存在只感到亲切,only feel gracious for your existing.# P3 S6 ^$ z$ J! T4 |0 N  n
只希望能为你做点什麽。 only want to do something for you0 H) Z  d  b; e
3每次有意无意的遇到你,every time when I meet you9 U/ X5 V% k9 t
心中都泛起丝丝柔柔的喜悦。The sweet joyous heart isn`t tranquil
: O1 a! p; j) q# `7 t5 E然而我真真切切地知道,but I really know your figure only become a kind of atmosphere
9 d  w8 a' q) x1 e2 ?$ Z/ z你的身影已化成一种氛围,9 c7 N. n' Q1 ~2 n
记在我的心间。That lives in my heart.' B& h7 @" q( Z- O" \9 M
你知道吗?Do you know your name can suddenly come into my mind at anytime! 2 j6 {- v) q# O) h+ g' h- j9 \
随时随地我的脑海里会突然涌现你的名字
, I8 o; Z1 f* ]哪怕你某个转身时飞扬的衣角even only your flying clothes corner when you turn aroud,/ j. t) s8 F% q1 ?) F& D. X
一种声音,and your voice, H" b  x. t* e/ _  `
也让我柔柔的有了心痛make me gently distraught with happy feeling.. ~5 ^  ^; j( S* |3 D' R
掺杂著幸福的感觉。3 P+ }0 i, _' K0 w( k
与你相识的那一幕幕,the scene that meet and know you prinkle in my heart like the snow on the land
! v% n0 J' }  D  G+ `4 A象雪花般撒落在我的心田,) z/ J; s) G% H- C$ @
倾刻间,suddenly flurry that all are the love to you.
& W1 P9 X8 X9 I4 c纷纷扬扬开来──全部都是对你的爱恋。" q( l" u( O/ x
你知道吗?Do you know that is happy there is a person who is worth to miss5 W" _! r" M: A2 W0 m5 ~
有一个能够让思念的人,
, H) G( d# n/ l2 N5 n其实也是一种幸福。
! z: G" \# b! W2 d7 p  A尤其是在这样的日子,especially on the day, the gentle sea wind and the sweet summer.   l9 Q3 a4 l5 k$ e- q4 v& g
柔柔的海风,! O2 d, Q  i/ z3 d: f
甜甜的夏天。) C1 ^8 l2 |& ^( w) X2 `
一扫那一缕如烟如缈的忧郁,Sweeping out the smoke and indistinct gloomy
  p  K. d( p9 L# b8 x只是静静地等待你的身影,only waiting for you quietly.
1 M2 X/ T4 x4 f* @2 I8 e仅仅让你知道有那麽一个人,Just let you know that there is a person who wants to have the same love knot and the desire as you do.) I( p# z: Z. H4 v! R) Y7 l
想和你有共同的情结,/ L# I  }7 p8 x& s
共同的心愿。& o0 z3 Q3 L- [1 A1 |
/ F& U; w0 }8 N9 W8 R5 {& k
$ u& Q8 ?6 {4 N5 L- Y* m
好想与你在细雨中漫步,I really want to ramble in the small rain with you1 }9 A2 |5 ]2 i
一同感受著春雨的洒脱,and to enjoy the rain washing together
3 O, t! }+ j' b& w1 x8 S或是赶著看一场电影;or rush to a film + Q$ b4 y8 n2 J, {! |
或是静静地聆听一首曲子,or listen to a music quietly.& F: E8 {2 e/ n/ W
『多情人都把灵魂给了谁』whom did you the amorous person give your soul to ?9 ^" E6 ?& X6 I! U& F
我们相拥旋舞,然後双目相视。We embrace and dance and then gaze to each other,
& }$ P6 s5 E7 x9 G: M# _浅浅一笑,smile or gently kiss then say “ I really love you”2 F7 {$ L7 d  F7 w
或是轻轻的一吻," `: j- O; Z- }, R
再对你说∶『我真的好喜欢你』) r' U! w$ ~2 U- P7 H7 u: U
就足够了. That is enough.* O+ l! Y1 a$ J; ?2 D
这也许是千年前就悄悄播下的种子,Maybe this is the seed that planted a thousand years ago!
! \/ A- V1 t' K& b, a5 G终於在这漫长的季节里深深地植下了根,finely it deeply rooted into the earth in this season and sprout.& y0 D4 C/ o+ s7 X/ b$ O  V
萌出了芽,7 f; b! P6 g9 p. q% b# E
一如对你的思念,the same as my missing
9 C" o2 r8 s* x4 v4 l% F浅浅地泛著那一点点新绿。It comes a little bit of verdure.
3 l& w- Q6 {- J' @6 _+ r如果,如果有一天,If , if some day I can touch of your hand
: c6 K0 M* X9 L* ?- X# G4 [; o$ m能够牵著你的手,
( w" Y+ |$ u  r2 F1 n那麽,我愿把全部的眷恋都放到你手心里,then I will put all my attachment on your hands/I will be sentimentally attached to you completely.% ]& J5 g# M  `, p
让你细细地触摸,Let you touch me slowly and read me carefully.
) T" {% U6 E* w2 b+ J* Y* }! y慢慢地细读,
  E* A2 M. p+ J3 h我将用整个心去感觉你手里脉脉的温柔。I will enjoy your mild emotion though your hands with my heart and soul. * F+ q' I9 R3 p  S9 G2 t
在你对我伸出手的那一瞬,At the moment you reach out your hands to me
2 E$ _& X* E& O! w我就拥有了世界上所有的关怀与热忱,then I will have all care and ardor - V  O- z$ ?- f4 [
就让我牵一次你的手,好吗?Let us walk arm in arm , OK?
鲜花(16) 鸡蛋(2)
 楼主| 发表于 2008-1-31 23:18 | 显示全部楼层
有几个地方要纠正一下:9 |7 n% c! ~% |; S
现在的我,一如一年前的那个我。同名同姓。The current I, the same as one year, the same given name , and the same family name.改为:as one year ago
2 c+ c6 Q5 y& I+ p. h0 ]& S8 n眉眼间却似乎多了什麽,又少了什麽。Seemingly added something in my eyes, or lack something.2 S: V# C3 m, {) V1 f
change to:lacked
6 ~* M' U* H# I; F9 _* u猫儿们在炎热的时候常常彻夜在窗外乘凉,追逐打闹。Cats were often playing the whole hot night outside windows to get cool.0 v* M: v; j; @, y4 K! ~1 q
Cats often played at the whole hot night.
0 Q, U( n( J6 C& J9 } 我常常在入秋的时候怀念夏天,I often cherish the memory of the summer  and those people that make me riant even I am in a very bad state of mind when the autumn is coming以及6 v$ i$ S1 e' a3 i4 _# p
改为:I often cherish the memory happened in summer.
5 {& A  G7 m- Y/ S5 x% B0 H8 zI will enjoy your mild emotion though your hands with my heart and soul.
2 `' z. ~6 Q: I该为:throughyour hands.
5 s9 R0 L0 K2 {1 c# f" r. @( j还没检查完,下一次再改.
鲜花(634) 鸡蛋(5)
发表于 2008-1-31 23:51 | 显示全部楼层
挺好!就是我觉得斑竹选的这个题目不太好
鲜花(35) 鸡蛋(0)
发表于 2008-2-1 00:06 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队 追求完美
太直。意境没有了。
  b" a) @0 |# e, c3 {不过,LZ精神可嘉。也说是是试译。还是佩服。
. Q( P! {7 n; X' l3 k9 W: z1 K" h4 |至少比我强。
" k5 x, U( P/ P9 a6 @  _5 F+ l偶是没有水平中译英嘀。指手划脚是最容易嘀.... ( G- f3 r) g2 f+ C2 G/ Y
4 L5 t; S+ b" ^- y. k5 f$ x3 T
这首中文的散文诗在原文的第一段我还喜欢。淡淡的,清新的。
2 g- P$ L0 O0 j9 }& y后面每段也还好,就是拼在一起太牵强。感觉每段都眼熟。有点腻味了。
鲜花(16) 鸡蛋(2)
 楼主| 发表于 2008-2-2 22:00 | 显示全部楼层
我也在考虑怎么能把意境给译出来,那就得意译了,而且还要按照英文诗歌要求.如果是这样,我又担心不是这首原诗了.$ k8 s' E$ a: h7 k* s
谢谢三思的鲜花.
鲜花(16) 鸡蛋(2)
 楼主| 发表于 2008-2-3 00:26 | 显示全部楼层
每当说一句汉语的时候,我总在心里想英语是怎么说的.尤其看到汉语诗歌的时候,我突然想,翻译成英语还能保留原来的意思吗?所以试着译一译.# a4 ^/ [9 @9 ~5 K: g
前边发了译文以后才发现有些大小写和语法错误.一点一点地改,很乱.所以再重新发一便:: e8 {* ]3 _  {" G6 t8 T5 j$ p+ L
Early morning I am walking by the quiet street in a hurry.2 B" d0 a3 Y% U% n+ j" ?5 S
Partial leaves fall down everywhere,squirrels are busily running.
6 a* Y* t" |1 j! e' O9 m$ A0 ~ Current I, the same as one tear ago, the same given name, and the same family name.
0 \: m& W! ~: hThe same hairstyle,the same bag,reserved laughing and talking.
8 F# u9 m5 ]% |8 n* n  ZSeemly added something in my eyes,or lacked something.3 }5 f# f: L0 Y* s
Summer went so fast that I almost forgot those sweating night:
% R9 x* B9 n0 SCats often played at the whole hot night outside windows to get cool 8 Q" ]6 z3 S+ ~! V
like us many years ago,mindless self indulgence.- y: O+ n/ \3 X$ X/ C! N
I often cherish the memory happened in summer and those people that make me  raint even I am in a very bad state of mind when the autumn is coming.3 ?5 z* b! w& d1 I. R
The emotion and the carma only is a dream.; B, z- }; y+ U1 q4 u, h
That shoudn`t happen to meet each other last tenderlt night.3 |  c0 o0 c1 X2 w8 e0 R5 E
I want to forget it but can`t bear to give it up.) E8 S8 X7 R( S
I am afraid of loving the person like you who is inhospitality and also mild.
# h7 j! k: ?# CIn this lonely world whom I can step inside love to?
: ]' n/ p3 ]! Z" m! e% q7 EIntoxicated then feel cold,0 i6 h/ [. }, ]5 E( H. k
the labyrinthine heart is like the cloud with no direction.
( G) N7 V% G' J1 |% i5 uI am afraid of most having the emotion that seems to have but not really have.
! ?) t4 f2 ]# q: tThe amorous man to whom you gave your soul?* w' d8 o( _* X4 K- E9 N
Why I am always hoodwinked!, p' [6 I7 F+ M" f, c
I have told myself many times cautiously
+ w  z( k  i# F" F3 fdon`t fall into the spoony whirligig.
  l! a& G: v1 R- N: n& BThe amorous women always get drunk by desolation.
# `( a2 i6 W( i+ L( ], HWhy can`t I take it easy?, r4 G  d. c' p: P6 y3 J$ P! x
How endless tears that got in return for kindness and enmity!
3 p" i8 L7 W, Z/ `When the quiet night comes
/ [* g5 U# h" @4 x. A- p# hyour figure usually appears in front of my eyes.
! Y1 w% ]4 q: HThe greeting when you met me made my heart in touched unaccountably.' {; n* o- x7 R
Yours of a smile, a gesture and a piece of words genialize my current disconsolate heart and soul,2 @; f8 }) u/ @" `
light the dark corner in my mind.# [5 B+ Z5 x3 |3 M6 c. l
I feel a bit of cozy.# U0 c" J% m5 A6 f6 z9 v! z* B+ X$ A; o
The deep attached to you in a twinkling
5 P& i* j: N8 L" H) V7 u# [) xmaybe is the most light spot in my whole life.
' p2 k. j) }$ WI didn`t cherish your appearance at first,# x& E  x& E" J8 B! ]6 b
but accompanying with the time passed' U, K( Z. \; ^+ O- f* b
I am bounded slowly and unconsciously by the emotion,) B- v+ l2 O$ M4 r- d
always feel joyful indistinctly and nondescriptly.9 o+ b* {+ X8 w4 A7 P2 g8 L3 v2 w
Without asking if you like me or if I like you
5 r  l- M5 E. ^, eonly feel gracious for your existing,
. f! {4 O/ t5 a/ f- _1 zonlt want to do something for you.' G7 @* H" _+ c1 J% ?! h, G/ M9 y+ Y
Every time when you meet me" B, \8 s' s' c8 h. \8 W2 T) }
the sweet joyous heart isn`t tranquil,
  k- }6 b, e: m, y% Hbut I really know your figure only become a kind of atmosphere
7 l7 e, R; u6 X& ~$ SThat live in my heart.
) T8 G5 `8 t: K  J& {8 {' gDo you know your name can suddenly come into mu mind at anytime?$ |6 U0 @( h' n- [0 |; N
Even only your flying clothes` corner when you turn around, and your voice9 V6 E. Z9 l. ]: c
make me gently distraught with happy feeling.3 q' w4 c# c( V- d8 o( ?8 y
The scene that met you prinkle in my heart like snow on the land
, H4 O3 m8 `# n2 ~9 j; Csuddenly flurry that all are the love to you.
& p& t2 s" s! ~$ d- W3 B, A1 g. aDo you know that is happy there is a person who is worth to miss,3 N  y( i4 ?; |7 b  M4 e
especially on the day, the gentle sea breeze and the sweet summer./ \- x+ ]; j' j+ m; m
Sweeping out the smoke and indistinct gloomy
* c5 I% ?5 M# ]9 Jonly waiting for you quietly
3 ^5 F5 V, h) U* \2 Fjust let you know that there is a person who wants to have the same love knot and the desire as you do., F& |6 ~1 f# {& d$ `  D8 t
I really want to ramble in the small rain with you 5 y9 t# n: g1 Y8 h: v# H! B* O
and enjoy the rain washing together
3 L6 T5 N! j* {0 n" {9 for rush to a film: ]5 e1 r7 [: H: T1 a
or listen to a music quietly.
5 z& l3 M+ i& R& |" a2 ^# J$ rWhom did you the amorous person give your soul to ?
" Q3 l  C' Q9 w. m) `2 NIf we embrace ,dance,and gaze to each other,9 p  O" D+ ~. v' x  Q7 C% K
smile or gently kiss then say: I really love you".% O3 k8 A/ \+ L2 S
That is enough.3 U! a4 V' D! N. U
Maybe this is the seed that planted a thousand years ago,6 L. A- L3 C& L8 x' L
finely it deeply rooted into the earth in the season and sprout,9 r5 J, C- y! V8 T: j# {( n: W4 W
the same as my missing.1 A5 `+ \: ^( W. G7 c/ ~
It comes a little bit of verdure.# n. z+ A. _8 S
If, If some day I can touch your hand, ; x0 H3 a# V+ ~- G( o  x
then I will put all my attachment on your hands/I will be sentimentally attached to you completely.
: s/ |# D) [2 R  ?/ D# a7 n8 n# E+ ZLet you touch me gently and read me carefully.
. l7 M- k+ f8 l6 H  h" y  ZI will enjoy your mild emotion through your hands with my heart and soul.
5 i5 M0 K9 s. lAt the moment you reach out your hands to me ,+ u8 P5 l$ q& v0 d
then I will have all care and ardor.( U/ g" r) R: Q0 f% l( z
Shall we walk arm in arm?
$ h& u8 o& x- c- |3 {- ^( k! N) R+ Q呵,太晚了,连检查都不想检查一下,有没有打字错误了.
鲜花(16) 鸡蛋(2)
 楼主| 发表于 2008-2-3 00:28 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
费了这么多时间,希望能被加精.
大型搬家
鲜花(16) 鸡蛋(2)
 楼主| 发表于 2008-2-3 19:46 | 显示全部楼层
很想看一看其他朋友的翻译,学习学习,提高自己的英文水平.
鲜花(16) 鸡蛋(2)
 楼主| 发表于 2008-2-4 22:43 | 显示全部楼层
谢谢加精!
鲜花(0) 鸡蛋(0)
发表于 2008-2-5 15:28 | 显示全部楼层

I like your poem, here comes mine.

老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
Glittering over the quite avenue when it appears first light.0 e" |+ G; h! N- y1 M7 B9 g8 Y3 _
Leaves floating down to the ground; little squirrels bustling around.
6 I3 Q% T# D# qI am still the same person of yesterday.6 Q3 {% D* `7 F% N9 x3 Y
Unchanged name, unchanged I.' d# D1 r0 a  z( A- X8 N
Same messy hair, same shaggy bag.
5 j& d- \! O' l$ r; E# o, yLaugh in the same laugh, talk in the same talk.- T* B  n6 Q) B- \2 g  J
More or less,
3 p4 @* S8 K$ U a different glimpse sparkled in my eyes.
/ W3 }7 s# e2 Y, j5 B) F
# c) L* \# O* u4 V% R2 P4 WSummer easily slips away
2 G/ j( C' b; H7 k& C/ EThose long lost hot nights
" m0 p+ s8 v2 g- L7 \ can only be found in the old days.
* l( W- E1 Y. H2 j- o/ c" `' B! P' V/ f
Cats jumping over the window sills,
4 _% W4 m9 L8 n- B3 S& q* ?, Lchasing around in the breeziness.
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发表于 2008-2-5 16:15 | 显示全部楼层
原帖由 Matrix 于 2008-2-5 15:28 发表
9 P  E# ]5 S% F# B  jGlittering over the quite avenue when it appears first light.1 w& j- y0 X( k
Leaves floating down to the ground; little squirrels bustling around.
0 l8 ]$ x/ [, f  h& iI am still the same person of yesterday.
6 I8 s- E9 W4 d9 @Unchanged name, unchange ...
' w/ E( ]/ h* j4 R4 i8 l4 ?
鲜花(0) 鸡蛋(0)
发表于 2008-2-5 23:12 | 显示全部楼层
原帖由 Matrix 于 2008-2-5 15:28 发表
( }" C! q1 L! C- g( D1 |Glittering over the quite avenue when it appears first light.
4 `: f( l( _! c7 D/ b' B  t5 nLeaves floating down to the ground; little squirrels bustling around.6 U+ q& }: u- _% d5 I; y; ~4 X+ P
I am still the same person of yesterday.
% K4 o1 X% q& L& LUnchanged name, unchange ...
; O  p( X$ `' x/ g6 v8 I* L
i like it.
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