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<慢慢地想起你>的试译

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鲜花(16) 鸡蛋(2)
发表于 2008-1-30 21:56 | 显示全部楼层 |阅读模式
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
有人发起了翻译竞赛,重在参与.想和大家磋商,所以先抛砖引玉,把一个不成熟的翻译先贴出来,过几天也许还改一改.翻译有意译和直译,由于不太懂英文的诗歌写作,又想保留原文意思,所以就直译了,/ ^, ^! T" n6 P; o- |( D$ y- i
,.清晨,急匆匆的走过安静的街道。Early morning I am walking by the quiet street in a hurry.  $ w7 j2 h) N3 G
零星树叶的飘落,松鼠开始了忙碌。Partial leaves fall down everywhere, squirrels are busily running . 9 \; G5 H3 {3 a4 r3 h
现在的我,一如一年前的那个我。同名同姓。The current I, the same as one year, the same given name , and the same family name.
& }! z' h9 _; c' q) {, H梳相同的发型,背同样的背囊,不苟言笑。The same hairstyle, the same bag, reserved laughing and talking.0 W. z# L* @: F9 r5 \
眉眼间却似乎多了什麽,又少了什麽。Seemingly added something in my eyes, or lack something.+ w+ I. H' T7 C' x) M# W
夏天过得那麽快,我几乎遗忘了那些个汗津津的夜晚。Summer went so fast, I almost forgot those sweating night.
3 n7 |: z& k) U+ v  \; W猫儿们在炎热的时候常常彻夜在窗外乘凉,追逐打闹。Cats were often playing the whole hot night outside windows to get cool.
4 L) c& z, m+ V; o* s1 A就像多年以前的我们,似乎也是如此天真的肆无忌惮。Like us many years ago, mindless self indulgence.
: u* f/ `) v8 G我常常在入秋的时候怀念夏天,I often cherish the memory of the summer  and those people that make me riant even I am in a very bad state of mind when the autumn is coming以及7 ^$ x- M( i2 `/ g
那些在最烦躁时想起也会微笑的人们。, r2 [: N; b. Z& e
世情缘无非是梦 The emotion and the carma only is a dream.
, D/ K; _) l9 n+ S0 W& J, P  m0 x昨夜温存不该的相逢 That shouldn`t happen to meet each other last tenderly night.
" R! x9 Z1 V2 M! s7 e想要忘记又不忍放弃 I want to forget it but can`t bear to give it up.& a3 X: x8 i0 m) Y" `$ q* f
最怕爱上像你这样冷漠又温柔的人I am afraid of loving the person like you who is inhospitality and also mild. ! H% w# g8 W0 a' [% _1 P
寂寞世界谁来靠近 In this lonely world whom I can step inside love?& w* ?1 Q) D) E) y+ Y$ `% a
醉过之後身边冷清清intoxicated then feel cold.* R) }  R/ G& \/ Z
迷路的心没方向的云The labyrinthine heart is like the cloud with no direction.3 W' i7 I# d% m+ d6 L* M7 U/ ^" i
最怕拥有这样似有若无的感情I am afraid of most having the emotion that seems to have but not really have.! I0 [. ]. K" @$ p' |
多情人都把灵魂给了谁 The amorous men to whom you gave your soul?
# ~0 D$ O0 `: ~9 Q$ I8 VWhy I am always hoodwinked!为何眼楮总是蒙了灰'     ….* U7 q: H7 q8 ^, }) `' g( J0 v
多少次小心翼翼告诉自己I have told to myself many times cautiously  `( F/ `& k1 C7 i7 D& c
不要坠入痴情的轮回 Don`t fall into the spoony whirligig.- \* o( j# ]8 j3 H
多情人总让伤给灌醉The amorous women always get drunk by desolation, . F0 `' ~1 Z" J+ O: z: a- i
为何潇洒一点都不会Why can`t I take it easy?
9 a3 K% J3 l/ s+ B/ A多少爱恩恩怨怨换来今生How endless tears that got in return for kindness and enmity!1 M) ~2 l- B* s) c- P* h( W
永难平息的泪' {4 b% U# m; v/ L) z1 g# `
每当夜深人静时,When the quiet night comes3 V$ ?; s9 ]* s/ ^: u$ u% F9 u; U
~我的眼前常常会泛起你的身影。Your figure usually appears in front of my eyes.! j! p3 C, N4 G, E' ?& C: |  [; {
当你看到我时的那一声问候The greeting when you met me mad my heart in touched unaccountably.4 _5 R7 I0 u% V8 F- T+ ^: f; M8 G; @
让我的心里感到一种莫名的心动,1 t9 {! }0 {1 O
你的yours of a smile, a gesture and a piece of words genialize my current disconsolate heart and soul
6 l0 t7 J0 R8 B* E一抹微笑;9 k8 s3 {* h1 {( G
一个手势;5 k) e% C$ c  b3 S4 \0 P% S3 F
一片话语,& [# N7 h: z- z
愉悦著此时我惆怅的心灵、
4 Z  Z6 f4 z# o! u7 j- o明亮著我漆黑的角落,The moon lights the dark corner8 @- _9 d0 _8 W9 B
心里总能感觉到点点温馨。I feel a bit of cozy.+ P. ?" R# b+ ]5 U
这一瞬的爱恋,The deeply attached to you in a twinkling
1 _7 }' g/ G; u" t5 F也许是一生一世的最亮点。maybe is the most light spot in my whole life..$ ?' |! n0 y7 b. o
起初,对你的出现,I didn`t cherish your appearance at first,
, G4 B) c" s: ~: r. m7 m  S/ C% l我并不以为然。
$ b5 q. V6 t+ u; e可随著时间的流失,but accompanying with the time passed * c0 J0 Q; j4 k; I
慢慢的不知不觉中,I am bounded slowly and unconsciously by the emotion .2 J/ I2 U, J1 w7 y$ p
被一种情绪所左右,* C3 h0 T7 |5 a8 l4 B
总感到一种难 以名状的朦胧的喜悦。 always feel joyful indistinctly and nondescriptly .
% y- ^& u1 Q/ d9 T即不问你是否喜欢我,Without asking you if you like me and if I like you
4 ^3 G8 X+ w- k6 U也不问我是否喜欢你,
# n( u, @* D+ s对你的存在只感到亲切,only feel gracious for your existing.7 R" P1 k# A4 v9 n
只希望能为你做点什麽。 only want to do something for you
% Q. z8 n* {/ W8 U$ W% I$ i2 o3每次有意无意的遇到你,every time when I meet you
& E) k* F5 G: r$ \心中都泛起丝丝柔柔的喜悦。The sweet joyous heart isn`t tranquil9 O# g2 z7 p& w* S# E
然而我真真切切地知道,but I really know your figure only become a kind of atmosphere
- h1 k- L& u# K" n1 N# J  D你的身影已化成一种氛围,+ x9 M" `, Z8 J- T2 Q- o
记在我的心间。That lives in my heart.8 g3 ]( S  P7 r
你知道吗?Do you know your name can suddenly come into my mind at anytime! 9 l5 r4 a3 m6 O; ^
随时随地我的脑海里会突然涌现你的名字
" ?6 L# L" V9 ]0 l: N1 X) d8 S3 o哪怕你某个转身时飞扬的衣角even only your flying clothes corner when you turn aroud,/ x+ t: d0 w9 i+ [: \
一种声音,and your voice* h' ^# p8 H8 g6 C7 ]
也让我柔柔的有了心痛make me gently distraught with happy feeling.
1 v4 G- W+ U0 r8 ?2 G' f  ~4 z掺杂著幸福的感觉。4 Q% I; g0 m( o
与你相识的那一幕幕,the scene that meet and know you prinkle in my heart like the snow on the land
) Z" Q" }- v+ G5 M( L, K象雪花般撒落在我的心田,# }9 g( H: y2 a% ~9 q3 ~
倾刻间,suddenly flurry that all are the love to you.
& Z- F" T  h, @9 Z3 a纷纷扬扬开来──全部都是对你的爱恋。
. `) H) N% J. y  ^+ D你知道吗?Do you know that is happy there is a person who is worth to miss
  E) s$ z4 A" C% }! |" q% b! }有一个能够让思念的人,% T6 ?1 {, n5 U6 V! e
其实也是一种幸福。# l1 P: k. p4 w# u. r( r+ m# n
尤其是在这样的日子,especially on the day, the gentle sea wind and the sweet summer.
; Q/ V: ]" r. o# Y% J1 t( m4 ?5 i柔柔的海风,
* s: o; s  A$ R9 Q7 W4 n8 D5 `甜甜的夏天。. T( M  r. [, D( M2 C) c' T$ N) t
一扫那一缕如烟如缈的忧郁,Sweeping out the smoke and indistinct gloomy 4 K) G8 R% D8 W( u
只是静静地等待你的身影,only waiting for you quietly.1 p% x% i* P4 A
仅仅让你知道有那麽一个人,Just let you know that there is a person who wants to have the same love knot and the desire as you do.
( e: }$ \# u1 d9 I想和你有共同的情结,
/ B3 x! Y+ @9 Y  g$ [共同的心愿。/ j; R' h7 J" v, v$ G! ]! u4 q
7 M  H0 x/ \: n$ t4 ?

7 t4 Q* C  i( f; b* `好想与你在细雨中漫步,I really want to ramble in the small rain with you9 O9 ?* I* W* e2 u
一同感受著春雨的洒脱,and to enjoy the rain washing together
4 B; }# O" W8 o) w2 o或是赶著看一场电影;or rush to a film 0 x7 ^7 l0 F8 o6 v, G
或是静静地聆听一首曲子,or listen to a music quietly.0 i/ o' o: O; V1 c* M3 k5 n
『多情人都把灵魂给了谁』whom did you the amorous person give your soul to ?" A1 q  H9 p5 v! g2 _
我们相拥旋舞,然後双目相视。We embrace and dance and then gaze to each other,
8 o0 \( ]$ t$ d% y2 j3 \5 o9 [浅浅一笑,smile or gently kiss then say “ I really love you”
0 u( n/ Q1 H+ c" B或是轻轻的一吻,+ I: z# @0 g! R1 z3 T7 i
再对你说∶『我真的好喜欢你』$ f. ?  e( X- w( O
就足够了. That is enough.
" Y7 z- w# M8 w$ W这也许是千年前就悄悄播下的种子,Maybe this is the seed that planted a thousand years ago! * F# T8 X3 \( [  {
终於在这漫长的季节里深深地植下了根,finely it deeply rooted into the earth in this season and sprout.; x# u: t0 m4 m0 _
萌出了芽,, f( N& S( r( J% ]4 @
一如对你的思念,the same as my missing; ^1 z4 D* T, {8 @& K
浅浅地泛著那一点点新绿。It comes a little bit of verdure.4 d( @, p* u+ L: U6 i
如果,如果有一天,If , if some day I can touch of your hand
. G" w2 L4 C( A* X: K能够牵著你的手,$ o' k( x9 L7 h4 ?
那麽,我愿把全部的眷恋都放到你手心里,then I will put all my attachment on your hands/I will be sentimentally attached to you completely.
# H' C) N$ ]' d. ]/ x( ]& i" h让你细细地触摸,Let you touch me slowly and read me carefully.
* V: R7 y* L* Q慢慢地细读,; v: |  ]8 w, w7 F: M0 @! t
我将用整个心去感觉你手里脉脉的温柔。I will enjoy your mild emotion though your hands with my heart and soul. % P4 \0 Q2 b, T) c$ ?1 c1 I, N
在你对我伸出手的那一瞬,At the moment you reach out your hands to me ' o) y( R. f5 {2 H; v4 L" p
我就拥有了世界上所有的关怀与热忱,then I will have all care and ardor
% U% _5 @8 w0 o6 C# j! i* L2 c就让我牵一次你的手,好吗?Let us walk arm in arm , OK?
鲜花(16) 鸡蛋(2)
 楼主| 发表于 2008-1-31 23:18 | 显示全部楼层
有几个地方要纠正一下:
7 ]7 e' q8 R# F* f4 ^+ z现在的我,一如一年前的那个我。同名同姓。The current I, the same as one year, the same given name , and the same family name.改为:as one year ago
) o* x" D8 \" {) _( E& H6 f眉眼间却似乎多了什麽,又少了什麽。Seemingly added something in my eyes, or lack something.0 Q4 p, C2 p3 C4 ~5 m
change to:lacked
0 g  H  H) N1 @$ A, H, _( b# y猫儿们在炎热的时候常常彻夜在窗外乘凉,追逐打闹。Cats were often playing the whole hot night outside windows to get cool.
0 h% t% r9 v) _5 H2 `4 i) bCats often played at the whole hot night.
- B, k6 c9 v) z& W1 C" F 我常常在入秋的时候怀念夏天,I often cherish the memory of the summer  and those people that make me riant even I am in a very bad state of mind when the autumn is coming以及
, t6 T9 }$ M8 A% \改为:I often cherish the memory happened in summer.& z3 L9 h: m5 W7 Y% N
I will enjoy your mild emotion though your hands with my heart and soul. * O6 t- m7 N( z. ?1 j' C
该为:throughyour hands.3 V% C$ j3 p. i% h$ j/ @( F( `; V
还没检查完,下一次再改.
鲜花(634) 鸡蛋(5)
发表于 2008-1-31 23:51 | 显示全部楼层
挺好!就是我觉得斑竹选的这个题目不太好
鲜花(35) 鸡蛋(0)
发表于 2008-2-1 00:06 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队 追求完美
太直。意境没有了。
: O' U& E1 b* s! w不过,LZ精神可嘉。也说是是试译。还是佩服。" Z* ^7 a7 ^4 r) a) X
至少比我强。
, W8 f9 L& E$ z9 c偶是没有水平中译英嘀。指手划脚是最容易嘀....   H9 U/ f. K  A5 m2 S, ]
' s( w0 {, ]* B' c% F1 J7 A
这首中文的散文诗在原文的第一段我还喜欢。淡淡的,清新的。
$ ?( ~  f1 U  z' Y* u7 [2 q后面每段也还好,就是拼在一起太牵强。感觉每段都眼熟。有点腻味了。
鲜花(16) 鸡蛋(2)
 楼主| 发表于 2008-2-2 22:00 | 显示全部楼层
我也在考虑怎么能把意境给译出来,那就得意译了,而且还要按照英文诗歌要求.如果是这样,我又担心不是这首原诗了.2 _) V# p: R+ o3 Z
谢谢三思的鲜花.
理袁律师事务所
鲜花(16) 鸡蛋(2)
 楼主| 发表于 2008-2-3 00:26 | 显示全部楼层
每当说一句汉语的时候,我总在心里想英语是怎么说的.尤其看到汉语诗歌的时候,我突然想,翻译成英语还能保留原来的意思吗?所以试着译一译.
; i; s) p7 x6 ~1 W前边发了译文以后才发现有些大小写和语法错误.一点一点地改,很乱.所以再重新发一便:: H9 y7 o& ?) t# q8 s& B* ~" @
Early morning I am walking by the quiet street in a hurry.
1 \4 Z- P1 o$ A' ~) HPartial leaves fall down everywhere,squirrels are busily running.# g+ G4 b: U8 r, s' X7 g
Current I, the same as one tear ago, the same given name, and the same family name.
) s, v  v. Y( H2 d4 V6 Q) F' kThe same hairstyle,the same bag,reserved laughing and talking.
% P, ]7 j  O, @  s  P8 eSeemly added something in my eyes,or lacked something.% s( e$ h4 [  x: ^0 u' W# _9 Y9 a
Summer went so fast that I almost forgot those sweating night:; R/ V: s' Q, B
Cats often played at the whole hot night outside windows to get cool
( F2 w% W/ I( I8 b0 }( mlike us many years ago,mindless self indulgence.; r0 v1 l; t# ?! e; E
I often cherish the memory happened in summer and those people that make me  raint even I am in a very bad state of mind when the autumn is coming.
/ P5 D1 T3 Z4 n6 x; D5 _2 O9 }The emotion and the carma only is a dream.% E5 n! K6 ]/ u* T% p+ o4 u
That shoudn`t happen to meet each other last tenderlt night.! p3 R# Z, g8 Q) q, D6 T
I want to forget it but can`t bear to give it up.
0 I' @% H) e( I2 M9 dI am afraid of loving the person like you who is inhospitality and also mild.
: J1 b' [8 v+ E# U- N( f1 AIn this lonely world whom I can step inside love to?
7 p$ c6 Z) a% b( S# g1 z8 x5 @Intoxicated then feel cold,1 d3 K  h6 h0 y2 r) f; E; B9 d
the labyrinthine heart is like the cloud with no direction.
' \& c4 s% e8 R7 s1 y7 d! EI am afraid of most having the emotion that seems to have but not really have.5 v/ M* ~; O! H! F9 ^
The amorous man to whom you gave your soul?
- l2 A; d! T3 ~# w8 w! z$ P) }( cWhy I am always hoodwinked!9 R# Y" m' o' r2 Q) l% X
I have told myself many times cautiously $ L. h& l4 j: S2 S  m
don`t fall into the spoony whirligig.+ X6 ~: F' R; _) W5 v' p8 h( f1 n' w
The amorous women always get drunk by desolation.
0 x5 y1 `0 |" g, {Why can`t I take it easy?1 u. V' J  ^/ _/ s
How endless tears that got in return for kindness and enmity!
0 a; r6 Z' N# q& m. tWhen the quiet night comes7 h" @' Z7 p& G: r
your figure usually appears in front of my eyes.& K5 U/ K" R2 t9 e" K# w, f
The greeting when you met me made my heart in touched unaccountably.9 n( L" V2 D; j0 T0 @; ~- W/ @
Yours of a smile, a gesture and a piece of words genialize my current disconsolate heart and soul,
% V" y8 s4 p3 e) _) N9 ^light the dark corner in my mind.4 a, V; ~. ~# o
I feel a bit of cozy.
9 o2 D- ~3 W& f$ P! N7 }The deep attached to you in a twinkling  _# k4 G" J/ X  D* y) m
maybe is the most light spot in my whole life.8 V3 A4 c! N# K6 @% D# }
I didn`t cherish your appearance at first,
. ^2 n" [( |+ Vbut accompanying with the time passed
* H% f4 o$ y: F" R0 I% LI am bounded slowly and unconsciously by the emotion,
! c2 `" e8 i+ oalways feel joyful indistinctly and nondescriptly.
# M% H# H/ W) ^( s8 c8 |1 gWithout asking if you like me or if I like you
- ^, ^) q" |3 w0 F( qonly feel gracious for your existing,
% y* p9 U# m' H7 f, Monlt want to do something for you.
) h# }/ z; U1 j) O0 O5 iEvery time when you meet me; t9 B1 r! O! u# M, R
the sweet joyous heart isn`t tranquil,: w$ ~- p: K$ B+ o! H
but I really know your figure only become a kind of atmosphere
' e: _, w! B# [0 d$ }* b5 VThat live in my heart.  T- |) z. h9 O( H( H# |# \
Do you know your name can suddenly come into mu mind at anytime?
) D" v/ G/ b' s6 x3 @' b6 U/ [Even only your flying clothes` corner when you turn around, and your voice
7 v9 w$ Q2 Y1 E& ]9 |$ {/ X% qmake me gently distraught with happy feeling.2 S: O) H. F. k) _  z/ O
The scene that met you prinkle in my heart like snow on the land
( h5 m1 G1 j% rsuddenly flurry that all are the love to you.
9 k: D1 B+ j; D8 d% C, SDo you know that is happy there is a person who is worth to miss,9 W& P& l, H, u/ W7 T% p4 }6 s6 ^
especially on the day, the gentle sea breeze and the sweet summer.; a# S0 ~0 j) Q) X; t
Sweeping out the smoke and indistinct gloomy 6 a. L. ^' A) f% @* J3 L/ v" B- w$ z8 a
only waiting for you quietly' g4 f' W/ a2 y+ o2 T* e( q  o. `
just let you know that there is a person who wants to have the same love knot and the desire as you do.3 c( h7 r* t& L
I really want to ramble in the small rain with you
* L# D2 r) }1 Z$ @1 ?2 n, Mand enjoy the rain washing together( a# ?. ?2 d/ V% I# }$ L
or rush to a film& ^$ G) K' E% v$ n% [
or listen to a music quietly.
/ s9 N3 G. ]1 aWhom did you the amorous person give your soul to ?* N" C5 A- O% ^% o
If we embrace ,dance,and gaze to each other,
9 C) s9 v9 w8 p: U+ Osmile or gently kiss then say: I really love you"." p2 l) r7 |: D% K+ t3 j0 j
That is enough.3 Z6 D4 ~4 _& [
Maybe this is the seed that planted a thousand years ago,# \+ Q* Y) o# g3 x7 q
finely it deeply rooted into the earth in the season and sprout,3 G& E) g3 X6 f
the same as my missing.% Q: n* |( h6 @( Q
It comes a little bit of verdure.
- ^0 Z% B9 T: [' }- KIf, If some day I can touch your hand,
4 f1 _- T/ Y) L) ~% ?. b$ J$ uthen I will put all my attachment on your hands/I will be sentimentally attached to you completely.
- R* U7 Z+ }% zLet you touch me gently and read me carefully.
8 `; U! B3 f1 M+ E, d  q- [/ b/ P8 gI will enjoy your mild emotion through your hands with my heart and soul., Y$ J) V6 {( R# x2 [$ p% P
At the moment you reach out your hands to me ,- J4 v" r! `: h4 O, H9 G; A
then I will have all care and ardor.8 ?+ D0 w9 R' t/ D" E
Shall we walk arm in arm?7 Y- T! Q) G% i# P; j8 d
呵,太晚了,连检查都不想检查一下,有没有打字错误了.
鲜花(16) 鸡蛋(2)
 楼主| 发表于 2008-2-3 00:28 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
费了这么多时间,希望能被加精.
鲜花(16) 鸡蛋(2)
 楼主| 发表于 2008-2-3 19:46 | 显示全部楼层
很想看一看其他朋友的翻译,学习学习,提高自己的英文水平.
鲜花(16) 鸡蛋(2)
 楼主| 发表于 2008-2-4 22:43 | 显示全部楼层
谢谢加精!
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发表于 2008-2-5 15:28 | 显示全部楼层

I like your poem, here comes mine.

老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
Glittering over the quite avenue when it appears first light.
' l2 E/ O! h( v& [" Y" }; HLeaves floating down to the ground; little squirrels bustling around.
4 T. n3 Y. n& Y% W1 L9 k' o  Z$ LI am still the same person of yesterday.
+ x6 v+ o- Z! K5 A! j2 {6 }Unchanged name, unchanged I.
* }9 b. O0 d9 c, g4 J6 \& uSame messy hair, same shaggy bag. , U- @' j/ x; l
Laugh in the same laugh, talk in the same talk.
% _, X& J+ _2 i% xMore or less,6 \8 S) h2 \: k% O: V% n
a different glimpse sparkled in my eyes.  t  b- ]# C- P% f6 Y

3 E) {. v. d, _1 l  i% B* ~4 H6 QSummer easily slips away8 B) F6 i4 t2 X2 ]% z  g
Those long lost hot nights
* L. N9 g+ `9 J+ ?% e" J3 v. \ can only be found in the old days. / _9 Q. b2 ?& j; e: j: D, f6 g
- K- U. i" X. q- H; S
Cats jumping over the window sills,
5 J: H' r# Q- |) o: @chasing around in the breeziness.
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发表于 2008-2-5 16:15 | 显示全部楼层
原帖由 Matrix 于 2008-2-5 15:28 发表 ; C$ \7 i4 n1 o# Z  y
Glittering over the quite avenue when it appears first light.
& K! f4 c  d# M0 LLeaves floating down to the ground; little squirrels bustling around.- G+ g: N! {6 a; u
I am still the same person of yesterday.
+ P3 w/ r, F. x" Z( XUnchanged name, unchange ...

$ [1 p4 S7 C/ U* k- V: B
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发表于 2008-2-5 23:12 | 显示全部楼层
原帖由 Matrix 于 2008-2-5 15:28 发表 9 n  U5 h9 L% r; Y4 e
Glittering over the quite avenue when it appears first light.
9 U$ G0 ^1 ?  w3 G- E7 c" J7 U. [Leaves floating down to the ground; little squirrels bustling around.6 D$ Y( E( H; z6 N' S
I am still the same person of yesterday.
9 H  l  `* j5 U( f* \& F+ {+ k, i! IUnchanged name, unchange ...

4 x, o: |" O5 Q# ~$ J* _9 Xi like it.
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