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If you read this without laughing out-loud, there is something
$ {, |3 H# s7 c" c9 P& ewrong with you. This is dedicated to everyone who ever attempted to get
3 P' n7 u c6 @. |; Ainto a regular workout routine./ ] R0 ?9 h; g" P
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Dear Diary:
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For my fortieth birthday this year, my wife (the dear) purchased a) V# n* p% Q/ a( y( p
week of personal training at the local health club for me. Although I$ g3 o9 c2 x! \. H5 n) e3 W) d
am still in great shape since playing on my college football team 259 @% |* R* v/ i0 [) @9 J
years ago, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a
: v6 D% H- k2 Ntry. I called the club and made my reservation with a personal trainer
* J! O2 o9 x- l; S. ^3 mnamed Belinda, who identified herself as a 26 yr. old aerobics! Y8 c7 L; u" M$ o
instructor and model for athletic clothing and swimwear.' \* }3 @5 l; [+ {5 ?
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My wife seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started! The club" q& B2 ^* I6 S+ A2 b
encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress.6 N" @) ?9 }' Z. i, m N, z" p4 f
5 _. M7 L, r1 D' D( N9 P' hMONDAY:% s& e, R9 v% ]9 _; Q
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Started my day at 6 am. Tough to get out of bed, but it was well7 L8 h* _ v4 b+ R, H" u& u0 o- \( X
worth it when I arrived at the health club to find Belinda waiting for# {: n, F9 Z7 x2 E! @
me. She was something of a Greek goddess-- with blonde hair, dancing; F8 N' E9 S% x
eyes and a dazzling white smile. Woo Hoo!!!!!
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9 ]' _* S, u/ Y; WShe took my pulse after 5 minutes on the treadmill. She was alarmed
1 ]( X/ x$ K2 O/ V$ u+ fthat my pulse was so fast, but I attributed it to standing next to her
$ e* j+ a; Q e2 c* \' [in her Lycra aerobics outfit. I enjoyed watching the skilful way in; {6 p3 R5 J/ d8 n8 J
which she conducted her aerobics class after my workout today.
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; ~- U* B) i3 o4 e5 m9 @Very inspiring, Belinda was encouraging as I did my sit-ups,
( e; F% _( \# J$ talthough my gut was already aching from holding it in the whole time she ~0 Z" H+ S3 F3 n" _0 M8 B: K
was around." }$ F- J6 o6 }+ O
0 t4 D7 @# r/ s: I5 `This is going to be a FANTASTIC week!!
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3 g, ~1 z" ?6 A1 W# g! nTUESDAY:' J9 i( n5 @2 S5 K' k- N
I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door.
. L q4 B9 W2 A1 B" @" U# qBelinda made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air,
! A# R8 v2 r( j6 O/ T& q( H5 m, Yand then she put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the
" z$ j" I- S$ C" t/ etreadmill, but I made the full mile. Belinda's rewarding smile made it
" E) [4 g! {- Uall worthwhile.2 J3 }. M, g8 ~( @, M3 b2 V1 P
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I feel GREAT!! It's a whole new life for me.
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% f+ y2 j* ?! SWEDNESDAY:
~7 r: [) m+ {$ ZThe only way I can brush my teeth is by lying on the toothbrush on" C' e, ]! g3 A
the counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have
; c o# k% t" F% X& u; L- `6 E/ D5 ma hernia in both pectorals. Driving was okay as long as I didn't try to
/ F- r4 z( [& ^2 U- J; _ z" Jsteer or stop. Belinda was impatient with me, insisting that my screams
9 Y% K3 T# Z* h! }$ U' Sbothered the other club members. Her voice is a little too perky for) l6 E& S4 D/ @/ v
early in the morning and when she scolds, she gets this nasally whine2 I! Y- }1 [9 l7 e' R2 Y
that is VERY annoying. My chest hurts when I got on the treadmill, so
: p. Y' l0 b, }. p* m) u- `Belinda put me on the stair monster. Why the hell would anyone invent a
8 n0 _+ [, l$ r1 ^* tmachine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by elevators? Belinda, o7 n/ c7 I, m7 }/ T1 b* I; [
told me it would help me get in shape and enjoy life., v) a1 I% Z- D3 ?+ {7 x
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She said some other shit too.
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THURSDAY:
. E ?0 T, V, D7 aBelinda was waiting for me with her vampire-like teeth exposed as
( ]8 T _: f! i. @: K& bher thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn't help# ^8 B9 Q! j/ [# N5 C
being a half hour late; it took me that long to tie my shoes. Belinda
! p5 d2 c9 A3 gtook me to workout with dumbbells. When she was not looking, I ran and
" x4 L7 I- s, M; O0 j; C9 {! r0 p" B! Shid in the men's room.
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She sent Lars to find me, then, as punishment, put me on the rowing, \$ O y% k Y
machine -- which I sank.% j. v$ d! c5 V6 p; |
: P" v# s! Q6 g" cFRIDAY:
5 ]4 G% P9 p: F! s9 J A9 oI hate that bitch Belinda more than any human being has ever hated
/ C/ O* Z7 @; _9 ~2 h& d' c$ Kany other human being in the history of the world. Stupid, skinny, Q, t, h$ ~* ^9 M0 t' _4 m3 N) e
anemic little cheerleading bitch. If there were a part of my body I
8 N! Q, W3 g5 F2 ucould move without unbearable pain, I would beat her with it. Belinda
5 N3 w: `5 F; v" `9 U* Q5 Pwanted me to work on my triceps. I don't have any triceps!% J# h4 g7 I( q1 N' N/ q
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And if you don't want dents in the floor, don't hand me% M( n# M" |! Y) c. O1 I
the*&%#(#&** barbells or anything that weighs more than a sandwich.
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The treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and nutrition
- h4 t4 h' U5 }8 `3 n" gteacher. Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like the drama coach, U. f$ Y4 r# D- I; v; W, _ P0 z
or the choir director?
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: r; F p n \) z+ _SATURDAY:- t2 l# g9 v/ u' h9 E8 _
Belinda left a message on my answering machine in her grating,
' f ^- Y5 |% t: c, s! Kshrilly voice wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing her
7 u. p3 g8 v1 T' ~5 Amade me want to smash the machine with my planner. However, I lacked the9 O1 X; }4 a; r& |! V# D6 }
strength to even use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven straight
1 {: L2 z( _& i. ^1 zhours of the Weather Channel.- s, m% j2 J5 I2 t! t; [' a
8 ~, |/ e2 p% H0 FSUNDAY:: @/ E0 l6 D- `* Q$ w# Y
I'm having the church van pick me up for services today so I can go
8 ]( L% w& ?1 I: _! _and thank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that next year,
. p( E$ a' O3 a U& smy wife (the other bitch), will choose a gift for me that is fun --like" }% W2 p8 T, x% C) \% T9 e# c- B
a root canal or a vasectomy! |
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狗仔卡
发表于 2008-1-22 12:49
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发表于 2008-1-22 13:23
