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If you read this without laughing out-loud, there is something* D9 c5 ]7 } G+ k4 I# Q
wrong with you. This is dedicated to everyone who ever attempted to get
- A. p8 @; u4 V2 L2 d$ V7 }% e0 h2 finto a regular workout routine.
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Dear Diary:
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For my fortieth birthday this year, my wife (the dear) purchased a2 o1 ~% ~- @0 a# J
week of personal training at the local health club for me. Although I
; ~) v5 Z: \3 U! s% j! a* Iam still in great shape since playing on my college football team 25
/ k: s+ I) U" {" ayears ago, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a
) @' l4 T* _$ T: Ytry. I called the club and made my reservation with a personal trainer; H) |. K: r9 B; x3 M4 Z
named Belinda, who identified herself as a 26 yr. old aerobics. B0 D6 d, ^% o3 x( s6 K
instructor and model for athletic clothing and swimwear.; n U6 N9 o" S+ C9 h
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My wife seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started! The club% l8 Z+ A4 W6 k
encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress.7 _6 J6 F: u0 v' S: o5 U
; b6 U1 M+ W, v' V) QMONDAY:1 P# j, T: I: b/ Q, Y8 O' k
8 {! T4 m$ R& q) pStarted my day at 6 am. Tough to get out of bed, but it was well, k3 Z7 P2 I) _8 i
worth it when I arrived at the health club to find Belinda waiting for: m2 T' T2 }( m8 K) _8 e' p) U
me. She was something of a Greek goddess-- with blonde hair, dancing
% n6 Q- H1 f( y9 x/ n" [eyes and a dazzling white smile. Woo Hoo!!!!!
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She took my pulse after 5 minutes on the treadmill. She was alarmed8 J& O6 z8 v# `9 ^* b% x' M1 `
that my pulse was so fast, but I attributed it to standing next to her3 X. Y+ x4 s. u9 W: e$ P6 B1 t, X$ L
in her Lycra aerobics outfit. I enjoyed watching the skilful way in
5 ]- E& e3 `2 x$ I kwhich she conducted her aerobics class after my workout today.7 a3 R; f: Q* Z7 |% i% }" W
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Very inspiring, Belinda was encouraging as I did my sit-ups,
* Z: I+ V0 X% Lalthough my gut was already aching from holding it in the whole time she; e7 C0 N6 M2 @7 C) k3 w
was around.1 v7 U; m- k$ M) q; O+ \
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This is going to be a FANTASTIC week!!+ c% ~4 h8 {1 r' f$ W6 _( l
5 X4 _( R. E6 |0 z$ i& rTUESDAY: }" R+ o( `6 t. a- e
I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door.
; [7 L' j4 {/ _9 l/ \# v& Y: cBelinda made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air,9 E" W" s' k5 W- ?) I6 K
and then she put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the
' t# B( ^4 v) x8 _* @treadmill, but I made the full mile. Belinda's rewarding smile made it0 U) r* F% y3 i% D& G& G
all worthwhile.7 H; d) b! B0 F# A* P
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I feel GREAT!! It's a whole new life for me.* f( [: o# Z* }# N2 S/ i
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WEDNESDAY:
) m8 j' Q$ F( \' [: VThe only way I can brush my teeth is by lying on the toothbrush on2 H& Z, `: x u( d4 I6 n
the counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have
, N; q) R/ i7 }3 K( x+ D$ F Na hernia in both pectorals. Driving was okay as long as I didn't try to: }: G7 m# P* t! T% J
steer or stop. Belinda was impatient with me, insisting that my screams
% L' M7 f% Q2 j: G' R) Abothered the other club members. Her voice is a little too perky for4 L8 l. E, h H: `& Q3 T
early in the morning and when she scolds, she gets this nasally whine
: l% s1 w1 e- @- s# N- r2 K' \that is VERY annoying. My chest hurts when I got on the treadmill, so
! i7 g; [/ K) Y) OBelinda put me on the stair monster. Why the hell would anyone invent a
6 [( f) m8 A3 _9 ~' I- _machine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by elevators? Belinda
( @$ \; H5 [) }0 N. ~( Ttold me it would help me get in shape and enjoy life.
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: Y6 Y3 V& K. a5 k' i) }She said some other shit too.& t# F% S6 b' c
3 }2 k7 `* S& [$ ?/ }! u5 c9 TTHURSDAY:
! @6 R& s6 l0 A2 i0 ~+ HBelinda was waiting for me with her vampire-like teeth exposed as
( t- T9 J1 y) R: O& N# B5 }her thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn't help
0 \; ?) R* p: i2 {$ g \6 ~1 ?' Obeing a half hour late; it took me that long to tie my shoes. Belinda
% w6 T8 G; Y$ _. Z! H8 `2 [: a8 Xtook me to workout with dumbbells. When she was not looking, I ran and
a* ?, z" c( }$ M1 I6 chid in the men's room.7 D9 }- \2 k# ]% C( s
1 y, v- H% c8 N. _0 FShe sent Lars to find me, then, as punishment, put me on the rowing# R( E4 i! y J
machine -- which I sank.: Y2 B1 N9 ?+ y% R
5 @; P5 ~# ^# ?( RFRIDAY:% k0 y+ k1 z. L# |2 Z4 X
I hate that bitch Belinda more than any human being has ever hated0 q9 L6 n. i. m: \0 ^
any other human being in the history of the world. Stupid, skinny,) n9 K8 k- l; O# g& A* b
anemic little cheerleading bitch. If there were a part of my body I
! x" G. M9 q: C7 g Scould move without unbearable pain, I would beat her with it. Belinda
; n* M. n/ v; W; M: ~1 cwanted me to work on my triceps. I don't have any triceps!3 T8 O" E7 K! M5 }! v, F2 Y
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And if you don't want dents in the floor, don't hand me
5 T" r' _' S1 _& Fthe*&%#(#&** barbells or anything that weighs more than a sandwich.( N1 [6 y/ h, ?9 \! F
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The treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and nutrition
7 r" [- l! Q0 Jteacher. Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like the drama coach
g2 t* _3 }1 y, O! e: g' }or the choir director?
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SATURDAY:" |3 M& P; t7 k
Belinda left a message on my answering machine in her grating,, Z. u8 h" r9 |9 h; \ z7 N6 f
shrilly voice wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing her
' W. C+ J* i9 \- l5 K# dmade me want to smash the machine with my planner. However, I lacked the) r8 S7 d! e* A3 r5 P; G
strength to even use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven straight' h" X9 W6 r0 o3 p' Z, S9 X
hours of the Weather Channel.
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SUNDAY:
8 h% c8 v7 C8 H. o, L- ~ nI'm having the church van pick me up for services today so I can go P0 \. l; ^0 @% q1 d
and thank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that next year,
1 E& y8 W) r6 U' k8 N4 emy wife (the other bitch), will choose a gift for me that is fun --like. p$ v0 w3 ^ B" W
a root canal or a vasectomy! |
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狗仔卡
发表于 2008-1-22 12:49
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显身卡
发表于 2008-1-22 13:23
