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If you read this without laughing out-loud, there is something3 ]% D) z1 a! N( X: b* [6 P7 G
wrong with you. This is dedicated to everyone who ever attempted to get
; o3 m* c3 U K! p7 C( C5 k8 E6 tinto a regular workout routine.) ?( S8 z7 w3 K( H: y# [- m
1 k; B) y1 z1 q% QDear Diary:
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For my fortieth birthday this year, my wife (the dear) purchased a
) S: x* ^4 D1 Q, E9 m/ jweek of personal training at the local health club for me. Although I
3 g& ~0 v3 k0 U0 G' Q+ H2 ^am still in great shape since playing on my college football team 25
# E2 k; C. {8 s4 q, dyears ago, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a- g/ K% _2 o9 p! Y5 ?6 s
try. I called the club and made my reservation with a personal trainer
$ Q1 b: c# c& m. I' Bnamed Belinda, who identified herself as a 26 yr. old aerobics
, b1 s- ~% o1 `+ p& Oinstructor and model for athletic clothing and swimwear.
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! D0 W% u; P. [5 C+ eMy wife seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started! The club
9 X( \3 z4 G% y7 i8 ]encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress.
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MONDAY:5 S% y$ T$ c* c# I5 s3 |9 B
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Started my day at 6 am. Tough to get out of bed, but it was well
, w/ R5 I: e+ G. ]1 B" Kworth it when I arrived at the health club to find Belinda waiting for
9 C; T2 s& B; d& {" zme. She was something of a Greek goddess-- with blonde hair, dancing% x5 X2 n8 W+ U8 ]7 z
eyes and a dazzling white smile. Woo Hoo!!!!!: s/ {8 O8 \& V- x+ [1 T$ y
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She took my pulse after 5 minutes on the treadmill. She was alarmed0 R2 F/ y+ T; Y' O$ P! @9 g9 \
that my pulse was so fast, but I attributed it to standing next to her
4 `' W2 B3 i8 p }9 bin her Lycra aerobics outfit. I enjoyed watching the skilful way in1 l# Y1 R) O) d: N
which she conducted her aerobics class after my workout today.
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. j+ b' S. D6 {0 I3 xVery inspiring, Belinda was encouraging as I did my sit-ups,6 `' K! f D+ g% S6 v; j8 O1 T: M
although my gut was already aching from holding it in the whole time she
4 A! Y3 }3 Z/ [ q- cwas around.1 \) `+ | a& v( Q! ^/ G
@. X) G4 J3 n9 R, |' e0 r0 SThis is going to be a FANTASTIC week!!
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TUESDAY:% H2 I$ X Q4 m% S/ p* D
I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door.
% F! t% x2 T( k9 Y5 X, _7 R% [Belinda made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air,- G8 G! r3 I+ {: i g0 L M) `
and then she put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the
; p. g1 I# h3 s! W$ Atreadmill, but I made the full mile. Belinda's rewarding smile made it; c1 k/ L- p" Q/ {5 j
all worthwhile.
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1 i" G' S9 a4 W# Z8 L/ S9 LI feel GREAT!! It's a whole new life for me.8 H( S0 |1 O) K
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WEDNESDAY:
! N2 p: |6 y0 O% d5 rThe only way I can brush my teeth is by lying on the toothbrush on1 @2 J& @- x* P4 W# x7 N' C8 A
the counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have
. _; x0 M z4 p& H2 p6 x. [' |a hernia in both pectorals. Driving was okay as long as I didn't try to
- L4 [1 I6 o6 w, m0 w% Ssteer or stop. Belinda was impatient with me, insisting that my screams
R- E( d1 x, ~* Q R6 X, pbothered the other club members. Her voice is a little too perky for7 O" \: u0 S( G5 g6 p& s! z0 T% G
early in the morning and when she scolds, she gets this nasally whine
9 f! L8 U' B: W; Ythat is VERY annoying. My chest hurts when I got on the treadmill, so
6 Q( b, n) O7 k& qBelinda put me on the stair monster. Why the hell would anyone invent a
/ F3 A/ O. \4 F, K7 pmachine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by elevators? Belinda7 p7 \) A; p9 a
told me it would help me get in shape and enjoy life.( c( G* L. b; o$ S( v) A
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She said some other shit too.
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1 t$ `3 M% b# a2 x8 Y) V1 YTHURSDAY:! h6 z5 D1 P m* I
Belinda was waiting for me with her vampire-like teeth exposed as$ V6 a3 y! h& d% g" e; p0 x3 u
her thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn't help, Y- }1 a0 ?- g; K6 k
being a half hour late; it took me that long to tie my shoes. Belinda
# W& ^- O# S$ k( N4 B7 |took me to workout with dumbbells. When she was not looking, I ran and1 i+ s- @3 u7 ^" K! i3 s
hid in the men's room.- }/ u) g5 d1 g( p! ?2 C
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She sent Lars to find me, then, as punishment, put me on the rowing
* c) L k/ U/ p$ I! x( V) Fmachine -- which I sank.
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FRIDAY:
, ^* a3 ?' K/ d, O7 x, J, ]6 }I hate that bitch Belinda more than any human being has ever hated1 {) c. t, i6 h" i7 c
any other human being in the history of the world. Stupid, skinny,
4 f, ]/ J6 ~) }2 Hanemic little cheerleading bitch. If there were a part of my body I0 n) @0 j _4 K( ~) h
could move without unbearable pain, I would beat her with it. Belinda
: B# Z; c c2 Twanted me to work on my triceps. I don't have any triceps!
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+ B( S% \9 I i5 `6 JAnd if you don't want dents in the floor, don't hand me+ ^7 @! \ A4 `' s" \2 K& z& Y
the*&%#(#&** barbells or anything that weighs more than a sandwich.6 p2 G, ^5 {0 s7 W
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The treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and nutrition E/ d- Q# j/ {: X. m/ X8 q
teacher. Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like the drama coach
- p$ a; K1 b% B% e: uor the choir director?& I0 U7 ?0 n; ~4 T
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SATURDAY:
1 |8 T0 ~, y; ~: e: |Belinda left a message on my answering machine in her grating,4 Z" n/ L- C+ ~; n3 ?( b
shrilly voice wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing her
& u" _2 h) o& p0 y( q% ^made me want to smash the machine with my planner. However, I lacked the( S9 E- V- V0 _7 ?# o* X* I
strength to even use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven straight
3 H" `8 n7 Y: K( H: vhours of the Weather Channel.& D) K, m$ l2 O) a- s/ S
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SUNDAY:1 {6 S3 f6 h3 t+ E
I'm having the church van pick me up for services today so I can go0 J8 z! H5 i1 r
and thank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that next year,
: ~* i: r2 m8 \, U, n \* Nmy wife (the other bitch), will choose a gift for me that is fun --like0 `9 }) [1 a3 S; ?' K" P
a root canal or a vasectomy! |
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狗仔卡
发表于 2008-1-22 12:49
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发表于 2008-1-22 13:23
