WEEK AT THE GYM

小叶子

If you read this without laughing out-loud, there is something
" B4 M- m+ i7 Y$ n) Q7 w7 x# Uwrong with you. This is dedicated to everyone who ever attempted to get
9 k# z1 w9 \+ l6 ]+ Linto a regular workout routine.

Dear Diary:

1 S- S: g# ^5 X2 |( FFor my fortieth birthday this year, my wife (the dear) purchased a
week of personal training at the local health club for me. Although I
, b$ d8 [, N" C2 mam still in great shape since playing on my college football team 25
$ ^# F. P% f$ o7 m3 M. r( _years ago, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a
$ r! H' I1 ]$ w9 D7 Mtry. I called the club and made my reservation with a personal trainer
8 j" d# p+ ~3 w  mnamed Belinda, who identified herself as a 26 yr. old aerobics
5 d( i( a& S+ g" K# Einstructor and model for athletic clothing and swimwear.
. X" l9 [  f0 Z
My wife seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started! The club
: Y7 ]9 ^% G3 V2 g7 K, vencouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress.
* I; w% b' y* b  H
MONDAY:

Started my day at 6 am. Tough to get out of bed, but it was well
+ {. \# y" }4 x( I' ~7 Q" q$ T; S/ Jworth it when I arrived at the health club to find Belinda waiting for
/ ~* b$ m* a9 Z4 l/ B0 yme. She was something of a Greek goddess-- with blonde hair, dancing
- p8 ^7 B- S5 r& Y; _# }3 deyes and a dazzling white smile. Woo Hoo!!!!!
$ P# e2 T7 q2 g# j! p
She took my pulse after 5 minutes on the treadmill. She was alarmed
4 b4 L# U  o. C; vthat my pulse was so fast, but I attributed it to standing next to her
) M9 D' ~1 a5 l+ `in her Lycra aerobics outfit. I enjoyed watching the skilful way in
which she conducted her aerobics class after my workout today.

+ M$ c$ I5 l) x, a/ F; u# c- g2 ~, BVery inspiring, Belinda was encouraging as I did my sit-ups,
8 X6 E7 \% P, ~! d" U0 R) qalthough my gut was already aching from holding it in the whole time she
was around.
' d0 M9 m4 o1 X0 N: t& t
# C9 c. h: Z# S" Z9 `4 VThis is going to be a FANTASTIC week!!
; }3 g' l* w8 [, v( {! L3 ?* p
TUESDAY:
: \# M+ n" H$ M  _, w$ }I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door.
Belinda made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air,
and then she put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the
treadmill, but I made the full mile. Belinda's rewarding smile made it
all worthwhile.

I feel GREAT!! It's a whole new life for me.
, M4 c4 E& J0 a0 A- D) ?9 {3 P3 Y
WEDNESDAY:
9 o2 g! D6 @- C: vThe only way I can brush my teeth is by lying on the toothbrush on
. V- ^6 ]2 |: jthe counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have
a hernia in both pectorals. Driving was okay as long as I didn't try to
+ D4 y( c* S) W2 h% Rsteer or stop. Belinda was impatient with me, insisting that my screams
7 Z; \6 p# }7 Z+ i1 w0 t, O+ G& Dbothered the other club members. Her voice is a little too perky for
! D& K; U& i7 Y/ _5 \* I1 A4 }early in the morning and when she scolds, she gets this nasally whine
" q% p% s$ v9 r) J; M' R* z$ ^& P4 zthat is VERY annoying. My chest hurts when I got on the treadmill, so
5 `& F' g" D. G/ gBelinda put me on the stair monster. Why the hell would anyone invent a
7 g1 P" H7 ?5 u: c/ Rmachine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by elevators? Belinda
told me it would help me get in shape and enjoy life.
7 D) y# F( U- y5 @3 n- f- x/ h
1 ^/ H% g  ~8 O. N" j8 j' M) bShe said some other shit too.

) O' U6 Z7 e! m2 j; Z( \. B0 @THURSDAY:
Belinda was waiting for me with her vampire-like teeth exposed as
' q0 a# v8 _) H& ther thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn't help
1 @0 o- u! G# Qbeing a half hour late; it took me that long to tie my shoes. Belinda
took me to workout with dumbbells. When she was not looking, I ran and
2 H2 U8 D) ?. Y9 J' d3 n7 Ahid in the men's room.

; H3 {8 P! ~. z% ^6 a: Q$ g; ^She sent Lars to find me, then, as punishment, put me on the rowing
! I+ T1 o: S) p8 pmachine -- which I sank.
; i1 R# J+ N7 s0 m% u- z% C( V
FRIDAY:
+ j6 G, r) Q/ ?) LI hate that bitch Belinda more than any human being has ever hated
7 C% j. g9 Y9 ?8 \+ m6 Z% s6 Gany other human being in the history of the world. Stupid, skinny,
: g9 W! ?; C$ F" ]5 L. e6 d3 Lanemic little cheerleading bitch. If there were a part of my body I
9 P" v2 J, y* N/ S3 S6 s( c% b! vcould move without unbearable pain, I would beat her with it. Belinda
wanted me to work on my triceps. I don't have any triceps!
& K  m" K' y* h$ O
And if you don't want dents in the floor, don't hand me
the*&%#(#&** barbells or anything that weighs more than a sandwich.

The treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and nutrition
" n' s4 J; M1 T# Uteacher. Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like the drama coach
or the choir director?

1 o( ]4 h4 O6 q3 z! b8 SSATURDAY:
$ ?, ^( U6 e2 r% YBelinda left a message on my answering machine in her grating,
shrilly voice wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing her
9 ^+ G: }, i% W; ?made me want to smash the machine with my planner. However, I lacked the
strength to even use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven straight
0 Q: C& `* S, o1 ?6 N  E1 j& Ehours of the Weather Channel.

SUNDAY:
I'm having the church van pick me up for services today so I can go
and thank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that next year,
my wife (the other bitch), will choose a gift for me that is fun --like
a root canal or a vasectomy!

OliveOil

You are absolutely wrong! But my stomach hurts because I can't laugh out loud in the office... oh good lord...

junglebell

Lazycat

lington

root canal, I almosted end up getting one last year. Thanks to the dentist.