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If you read this without laughing out-loud, there is something5 L+ k* V+ s3 v# b
wrong with you. This is dedicated to everyone who ever attempted to get
; M% i3 |+ ?( Dinto a regular workout routine.5 v- t% s9 F; e; p( r" ]0 f
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Dear Diary:
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' J: i' j, t2 A) x% zFor my fortieth birthday this year, my wife (the dear) purchased a
" e1 n- g: j. J1 o- |- Y, Z+ {% B Uweek of personal training at the local health club for me. Although I F" t# j3 _' o9 S: Y
am still in great shape since playing on my college football team 25
. ]6 g. a2 G9 w) p, w! `$ byears ago, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a
( p& R, O" i2 K4 \try. I called the club and made my reservation with a personal trainer
) Q$ k! v4 @; ?) _, gnamed Belinda, who identified herself as a 26 yr. old aerobics
+ X4 _+ q5 I- m. winstructor and model for athletic clothing and swimwear.
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My wife seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started! The club
5 h! k) O3 c! \0 |; ?2 l& cencouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress.
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MONDAY:+ n" \/ h& g' S/ j. H2 ^
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Started my day at 6 am. Tough to get out of bed, but it was well% r2 k1 Y6 ^; I$ M9 o
worth it when I arrived at the health club to find Belinda waiting for. ]2 Q! d5 B/ R5 A6 f. z0 b
me. She was something of a Greek goddess-- with blonde hair, dancing x5 }0 y5 O2 W$ W1 L
eyes and a dazzling white smile. Woo Hoo!!!!!1 d: B. p" g: c; z% `" E5 v
$ a! p ~# p: Y- ZShe took my pulse after 5 minutes on the treadmill. She was alarmed
9 C9 i( K3 x( ?, [that my pulse was so fast, but I attributed it to standing next to her! Q9 d! n9 i- ?
in her Lycra aerobics outfit. I enjoyed watching the skilful way in$ |' j- T1 `* S u) J! q
which she conducted her aerobics class after my workout today.
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Very inspiring, Belinda was encouraging as I did my sit-ups,/ m' j! O/ ?' Y0 R
although my gut was already aching from holding it in the whole time she, W8 @8 e8 l l
was around.) u. J% o+ F7 |) s: r
- { ], k1 Y2 i5 j3 H) i2 Y% T7 h1 eThis is going to be a FANTASTIC week!!
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TUESDAY: B( p) u9 d5 n$ A
I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door.% ?/ `& F; Y; U# x" g& a$ u! Q2 W; L
Belinda made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air,$ {- B$ f; A+ O) ?; a1 H8 h7 G
and then she put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the
2 x [& r- p4 N5 C/ p* Atreadmill, but I made the full mile. Belinda's rewarding smile made it/ r8 D, q7 p3 K5 e3 V7 M7 u' d
all worthwhile.
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I feel GREAT!! It's a whole new life for me.) X+ e/ k- t" ]& |6 ~! j
+ s5 T% `, p+ y0 dWEDNESDAY:
* \# @$ s# W8 s# n. V& EThe only way I can brush my teeth is by lying on the toothbrush on( D9 k8 d) _* ]% Z
the counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have6 }. J' N7 I6 E1 Y4 M
a hernia in both pectorals. Driving was okay as long as I didn't try to
8 M1 {& ~' Z0 W: X$ U5 W {. }steer or stop. Belinda was impatient with me, insisting that my screams- C7 f5 ]) b4 j0 Q+ X, c$ ^1 r6 f4 f
bothered the other club members. Her voice is a little too perky for
% l* \0 ~( ~- E7 u( L! l- e+ Wearly in the morning and when she scolds, she gets this nasally whine* r8 W0 {) l8 q9 j- \9 A
that is VERY annoying. My chest hurts when I got on the treadmill, so! S+ W8 A0 A8 ? x( i
Belinda put me on the stair monster. Why the hell would anyone invent a; J, h6 t* Y& S4 K. M- m, E; O
machine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by elevators? Belinda
6 z, T9 p9 Z& Y8 R- W3 itold me it would help me get in shape and enjoy life.5 n$ S" k6 S9 K; ^" g' \
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She said some other shit too.
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THURSDAY:* i2 i5 \8 F: l$ d3 z' O
Belinda was waiting for me with her vampire-like teeth exposed as: f! t# U8 l$ t9 J4 O) ^2 H
her thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn't help0 n# ?2 H2 N. h2 r7 L6 v1 |
being a half hour late; it took me that long to tie my shoes. Belinda" R. l$ ?. U* i3 ~' \! U
took me to workout with dumbbells. When she was not looking, I ran and
, W- E* e* i: s' M+ Ohid in the men's room.
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She sent Lars to find me, then, as punishment, put me on the rowing6 B/ k# _* j2 P- n
machine -- which I sank.
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" x) G' d" b$ e4 ^0 wFRIDAY:
- V* W! Z$ G; u3 B% cI hate that bitch Belinda more than any human being has ever hated# N" m, s* Y: h
any other human being in the history of the world. Stupid, skinny,
) p+ h5 B4 L) U) N- G$ Hanemic little cheerleading bitch. If there were a part of my body I
. p4 G; G* N0 \1 \could move without unbearable pain, I would beat her with it. Belinda
( b# o- w; u" S5 gwanted me to work on my triceps. I don't have any triceps!8 J0 A7 _# f3 `- E
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And if you don't want dents in the floor, don't hand me/ s0 J$ A( A9 ]1 c( q
the*&%#(#&** barbells or anything that weighs more than a sandwich.
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% z. o9 t8 Q* F, R- |3 aThe treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and nutrition
0 A6 c) z8 @! K4 f' G% R# Rteacher. Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like the drama coach
& s2 d# p j6 e( Xor the choir director? W0 X/ [ f* {( V$ O: c
$ ~8 f: M1 k# |SATURDAY:
$ J* b8 n; [( Y' `9 E xBelinda left a message on my answering machine in her grating,% K8 K$ n* `8 v8 B
shrilly voice wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing her' r" n- v: B ^0 S1 ^* F9 H% s* z
made me want to smash the machine with my planner. However, I lacked the
) }: I$ ^" A$ T& H6 o N" J6 Wstrength to even use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven straight
& Q7 m, ?+ B0 s' s5 Whours of the Weather Channel.0 o6 p" m9 T) z: Y7 C
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SUNDAY:
5 a1 a- x, Z* q# n+ ?I'm having the church van pick me up for services today so I can go D! c1 _% k% c
and thank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that next year,
5 T' S- g" Y" c, r N# emy wife (the other bitch), will choose a gift for me that is fun --like( p0 [' ], K0 Q, h. J) }
a root canal or a vasectomy! |
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狗仔卡
发表于 2008-1-22 12:49
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显身卡
发表于 2008-1-22 13:23
