WEEK AT THE GYM

小叶子

If you read this without laughing out-loud, there is something
wrong with you. This is dedicated to everyone who ever attempted to get
8 M1 ?! [* b6 ninto a regular workout routine.
" x$ {! v2 q' w) y6 S
* w& w+ V2 L7 V0 mDear Diary:
$ \" l: h/ T" x  K/ ^% ]- Z
; f; v3 e/ S3 IFor my fortieth birthday this year, my wife (the dear) purchased a
week of personal training at the local health club for me. Although I
am still in great shape since playing on my college football team 25
years ago, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a
) H: A0 Y' E: L9 j1 ttry. I called the club and made my reservation with a personal trainer
! |8 [3 t$ Y% s4 K- }) A! Dnamed Belinda, who identified herself as a 26 yr. old aerobics
instructor and model for athletic clothing and swimwear.

My wife seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started! The club
! {4 g6 e7 ]) v6 O+ T2 }* o% ?+ Hencouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress.
* k, i; p  o) S/ u3 f8 z% \3 |
MONDAY:

Started my day at 6 am. Tough to get out of bed, but it was well
worth it when I arrived at the health club to find Belinda waiting for
me. She was something of a Greek goddess-- with blonde hair, dancing
- h' f+ O, G0 T/ k6 r% r: x) Jeyes and a dazzling white smile. Woo Hoo!!!!!
& m. N6 F! m3 c2 s
6 U7 Y# \7 a. r0 o& p+ t- }) N! yShe took my pulse after 5 minutes on the treadmill. She was alarmed
that my pulse was so fast, but I attributed it to standing next to her
in her Lycra aerobics outfit. I enjoyed watching the skilful way in
which she conducted her aerobics class after my workout today.
  c+ j. k/ P! t; \: X) h
Very inspiring, Belinda was encouraging as I did my sit-ups,
' ^& p. j( K, x2 \; ^. P1 kalthough my gut was already aching from holding it in the whole time she
5 _( ~# |6 U0 m8 q9 Ywas around.
$ Q! G9 }9 x3 V
: m- }; L( ^% Y  N$ Q: b. ^0 m& eThis is going to be a FANTASTIC week!!

TUESDAY:
. }  i4 P" }: ^I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door.
Belinda made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air,
and then she put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the
treadmill, but I made the full mile. Belinda's rewarding smile made it
+ j. Q/ q3 B* z3 P3 s6 Zall worthwhile.

I feel GREAT!! It's a whole new life for me.

WEDNESDAY:
  ^. a  |- z$ NThe only way I can brush my teeth is by lying on the toothbrush on
the counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have
a hernia in both pectorals. Driving was okay as long as I didn't try to
' C, a  S6 C3 ~" |+ z- `: {steer or stop. Belinda was impatient with me, insisting that my screams
bothered the other club members. Her voice is a little too perky for
  e4 o) R) [( j/ L& n0 Fearly in the morning and when she scolds, she gets this nasally whine
that is VERY annoying. My chest hurts when I got on the treadmill, so
; q, O3 |: F% c0 Z/ P& s% aBelinda put me on the stair monster. Why the hell would anyone invent a
: H, C; J1 j$ _6 g4 jmachine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by elevators? Belinda
told me it would help me get in shape and enjoy life.
0 a4 `( {! |( S1 x
- {0 q2 Q  t6 Z9 d; U, XShe said some other shit too.

" f: d8 ^# n, u, I. RTHURSDAY:
Belinda was waiting for me with her vampire-like teeth exposed as
her thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn't help
being a half hour late; it took me that long to tie my shoes. Belinda
took me to workout with dumbbells. When she was not looking, I ran and
hid in the men's room.
& Z4 \' S! V' Q! w: H
2 f- x; H5 P- p, \She sent Lars to find me, then, as punishment, put me on the rowing
( X3 _- ^3 |; i1 @0 Imachine -- which I sank.

- U# e+ x& o) }( n* b/ ^FRIDAY:
I hate that bitch Belinda more than any human being has ever hated
any other human being in the history of the world. Stupid, skinny,
# n: _; \( v" d, danemic little cheerleading bitch. If there were a part of my body I
could move without unbearable pain, I would beat her with it. Belinda
wanted me to work on my triceps. I don't have any triceps!
; j% d* e$ p6 ~
And if you don't want dents in the floor, don't hand me
the*&%#(#&** barbells or anything that weighs more than a sandwich.

The treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and nutrition
5 H2 q& ~( o/ t/ Gteacher. Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like the drama coach
or the choir director?

SATURDAY:
Belinda left a message on my answering machine in her grating,
* ^; b6 Z5 m% h' J* T6 fshrilly voice wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing her
" T( l% Z$ _& S( ymade me want to smash the machine with my planner. However, I lacked the
6 S# ~' n, r* g$ Fstrength to even use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven straight
9 f2 ~; e# ^8 X# H# Y2 Ehours of the Weather Channel.

) n& |0 e+ b  e9 U4 NSUNDAY:
I'm having the church van pick me up for services today so I can go
and thank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that next year,
; p  H; f6 Q9 G! h: g1 D, f' o$ Fmy wife (the other bitch), will choose a gift for me that is fun --like
' n) V9 e1 e: o6 ba root canal or a vasectomy!

OliveOil

You are absolutely wrong! But my stomach hurts because I can't laugh out loud in the office... oh good lord...

junglebell

Lazycat

lington

root canal, I almosted end up getting one last year. Thanks to the dentist.