Modern Definitions

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The Washington Post publishes a yearly contest in which readers are asked to invent alternate meanings for various words.

2 z5 m, {7 Y2 _- tThe following were some of this year’s winning entries:
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. Z% e& H$ r( Y5 r4 Q1. Coffee (n.), a person who is coughed upon.

2. Flabbergasted (adj.), appalled over how much weight you have .
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3. Abdicate (v.), to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.

2 H7 d" B! p: C8 O& a4. Esplanade (v.), to attempt an explanation while drunk.

5. Willy-nilly (adj.), impotent
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: [: G+ X0 m0 e/ z  R! j) j6. Negligent (adj.), describes a condition in which you absentmindedly answer the door in your nightie.

; C5 E6 }1 B% H8 o; H; Y7 `7. Lymph (v.), to walk with a lisp.

8. Gargoyle (n.), an olive-flavoured mouthwash.

9. Flatulence (n.) the emergency vehicle that picks you up after you are run over by a steamroller.

10. Balderdash (n.), a rapidly receding hairline.
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: L/ G8 F. t& {+ I0 j4 o+ C11. Testicle (n.), a humorous question on an exam.
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12. Rectitude (n.), the formal, dignified demeanour assumed by a proctologist immediately before he examines you.
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13. Oyster (n.), a person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddish expressions.

14. Circumvent (n.), the opening in the front of boxer shorts.
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9 |  F% y8 F1 d# B15. Frisbeetarianism (n.), The belief that, when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck there.

& `7 Q( E7 r& [3 X% v16. Pokemon (n.), A Jamaican proctologist.