Modern Definitions

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The Washington Post publishes a yearly contest in which readers are asked to invent alternate meanings for various words.
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& R+ q7 j; p, N. J- OThe following were some of this year’s winning entries:
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( O! ~# g: s3 v& x. r3 `# P& B; s1. Coffee (n.), a person who is coughed upon.

+ w7 u+ w5 p8 b3 p0 u$ e2. Flabbergasted (adj.), appalled over how much weight you have .
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3. Abdicate (v.), to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.

8 |) \5 j* w- \% o; K4 N4. Esplanade (v.), to attempt an explanation while drunk.

, Z! H: ]. m- A4 p5 F, h# m5. Willy-nilly (adj.), impotent
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6. Negligent (adj.), describes a condition in which you absentmindedly answer the door in your nightie.
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7. Lymph (v.), to walk with a lisp.
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8. Gargoyle (n.), an olive-flavoured mouthwash.
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* s4 t& N4 J3 l5 Y" |( m( m9. Flatulence (n.) the emergency vehicle that picks you up after you are run over by a steamroller.

10. Balderdash (n.), a rapidly receding hairline.
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  y) M8 m; ^/ Q: {4 F2 e11. Testicle (n.), a humorous question on an exam.

12. Rectitude (n.), the formal, dignified demeanour assumed by a proctologist immediately before he examines you.

/ O- x# x" ?  N% R; G5 U  U13. Oyster (n.), a person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddish expressions.

14. Circumvent (n.), the opening in the front of boxer shorts.

  C$ q( I! t& _$ _' \15. Frisbeetarianism (n.), The belief that, when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck there.
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16. Pokemon (n.), A Jamaican proctologist.