Modern Definitions

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The Washington Post publishes a yearly contest in which readers are asked to invent alternate meanings for various words.
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+ T! B! O: g" u( _3 b& aThe following were some of this year’s winning entries:
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+ c2 [0 j$ ^# F4 {1. Coffee (n.), a person who is coughed upon.

2. Flabbergasted (adj.), appalled over how much weight you have .

3. Abdicate (v.), to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.

  f+ @# Y# N6 q+ j/ j4. Esplanade (v.), to attempt an explanation while drunk.
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5. Willy-nilly (adj.), impotent

1 D8 p' x+ a$ ^6. Negligent (adj.), describes a condition in which you absentmindedly answer the door in your nightie.
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6 |; v8 O. z: U3 D5 g7. Lymph (v.), to walk with a lisp.
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8. Gargoyle (n.), an olive-flavoured mouthwash.

9. Flatulence (n.) the emergency vehicle that picks you up after you are run over by a steamroller.
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& ?$ ?( }( O1 w* @/ C3 f# n/ v10. Balderdash (n.), a rapidly receding hairline.
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$ O4 K  N, ]. Y. |) n1 v! [11. Testicle (n.), a humorous question on an exam.
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12. Rectitude (n.), the formal, dignified demeanour assumed by a proctologist immediately before he examines you.

3 e$ V9 K& x. j8 r; y6 O13. Oyster (n.), a person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddish expressions.
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14. Circumvent (n.), the opening in the front of boxer shorts.
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15. Frisbeetarianism (n.), The belief that, when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck there.

7 C0 q9 `3 M1 l16. Pokemon (n.), A Jamaican proctologist.