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我今天刚写的英文诗, 高手给提提意见

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发表于 2008-12-21 12:21 | 显示全部楼层 |阅读模式
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
Falling in love
/ ]& L/ D- J4 s: `, C" C/ X. K, z( t0 C/ l5 I
I fell in love with you # R# ~: }  u$ q4 h- r, N
At the first week we met9 @2 a1 I9 m0 T+ _
4 o5 q2 J! [% W/ Q, K
You have charm, you have looks1 |" X4 e- C7 a) D
with full of pimples in face, M, p0 p  w# p) G8 H; @
As spotting sky at a summer night, e! y5 Q/ a% p1 D( t# t0 ?+ Z
They are shining stars
8 m! k1 C5 N. [. U/ F9 \
7 B4 R9 m/ s4 E9 H+ j$ dYour lip is so big& E! F  |" _5 R6 G, x. S
And that’s good for a kiss7 _; Y2 v; x6 n/ ^
Your body is chubby
' m; f, z) @& ~! S( O# q) rAnd that is good for sex
) Q. i. w7 Y  L0 f0 S5 i- g/ F, K$ J0 J4 d7 q+ T3 Y
I was deeply in love2 |% L5 p/ ?9 ]0 e' }' e- P+ v( P
Everything from you is positive* J1 S/ C: P$ P- E# Q  f
You blame me everything and everyday5 z0 e( s  ]" Z7 S& E
And I think all girls sound like
  e5 k1 ]! w$ e1 S# k1 ]6 p" Z$ k# G! o! ~/ ~: y2 `
You could not stand my eating  c6 j% M4 o2 a7 P/ x5 a3 l
Saying no good for making funny sound* N8 A5 \: a& [+ q
I think you are perfectly right
) @+ B$ D. v7 w/ j. QEating with sound is a pig
3 ^, }/ f% ]3 R/ o5 c% U0 O
$ Q+ u7 r$ S: l( z' wI fell in love with you & y9 j8 e: \2 [" Z
Become a fool to think
' X8 P5 t1 t' _4 m& KAll trouble things you did4 J5 `$ p* j1 W4 ?- p
And that is the price for love/ {7 O) D# {+ G: `% K" T
1 B* ~; |( d- P& h
you are deeply in love$ m6 F! g  p5 I
Everything from me is negative. Y% i  v$ m, a: {6 u: q
"My man should be like this,) t2 |8 h6 B* U% a" X+ `1 H1 d% R
and I am helping you to improve'
, ^' z( ^1 \. x+ ]. j3 G( M2 i
You are loving me * f! t) }2 }: F! o+ p( k% m1 N
or that one in your mind?: @6 _! Z# X) Z1 p: G
My mind is like a mud
  E- s8 q" T* C& X) V3 M+ tcan be shaped whatever you want
! b  K, Y1 d, G% Y& b. i# M( k! Z1 `# P9 `- ]
unfortunalety not my heart
$ j% U! N* S$ b2 O% }) NIt is slashed by you
  D& q( b6 Z# {+ c- Iand I am seriously hurt7 N  a, Q$ }$ W) H6 {( p5 q

' |; F& q: n5 O, j7 SI will never love another : F1 B5 P4 f2 M/ W7 N# ^1 K
If my heart can be fixed
鲜花(657) 鸡蛋(3)
发表于 2008-12-21 19:53 | 显示全部楼层
my english is so poor, can't understand your meaning.
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发表于 2008-12-21 19:57 | 显示全部楼层
这个,能不能叫情人眼里出西施,连小痘痘都升级作STAR了=。=
鲜花(40) 鸡蛋(1)
发表于 2008-12-21 20:46 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队 追求完美
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 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-22 17:44 | 显示全部楼层
原帖由 冰山上的来客 于 2008-12-21 19:53 发表 4 \! E0 E! F8 S, |$ a4 w
my english is so poor, can't understand your meaning.
5 f, U4 N' S. n

8 p7 H5 ^. s$ y咱可是请高手指点, 你都不明白, 我看就算了吧
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发表于 2008-12-22 18:06 | 显示全部楼层
配上卡萨布兰卡的旋律就可以唱了,呵呵
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 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-22 21:34 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
楼上, 卡萨布兰卡的歌好听吗?
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发表于 2008-12-23 19:24 | 显示全部楼层

楼主的诗很雷人

强!强!强!SEX!SEX!SEX!
! o5 \8 ^7 `; a6 u1 j0 p( P7 e不过像我这种对中文诗都没有什么研究的人,对贵作就更不敢胡言乱语啦!顶一下。
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发表于 2008-12-24 07:04 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
sweeite,
1 Z' I' l% f' hi am sorry to say that ur poem sucks.+ ?9 p2 A" F: n# x5 F
And this is something I change. Whatever left r too sucky to be changed7 @' [+ c) K+ C  d0 ?

1 u6 Z0 U6 s% l* U5 X' n3 twith the charm,1 c% o& V7 d9 U) A. r$ n# r
with the simles.
' `0 ~) g% k- S, N3 @6 Z6 zI fell in love with you
- M4 E" l) v# K* ?5 R4 w1 A7 k$ gIn the first sign.
: x* j9 f& D& O  m# N) {As spotting sky at a summer / L2 A, S2 D9 p1 d0 ]: G% X

+ g9 l# Y1 u4 k* S2 ~Your lip is so soft
. W+ I% u) O$ Y$ @there is not honey can sweeter than ur kiss
. g7 P& Y* J- `! Z% K9 ZYour body is so sexy6 N* I8 d2 E( R/ @2 c' S
And I cannt image the moment I  touch u.
3 }0 |! V, {) @8 ^, \3 Z1 E
7 h0 G; r5 S( d, }) `, R4 _. dI am deeply in love5 R# q( g% _8 U# X
Everything from you is so charming
% b4 \2 b0 C* calthough You r so picky for me # v8 H8 y4 V- Z3 f9 F/ _' N
And I take them as ur buttefly feelings.
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发表于 2008-12-24 07:16 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
THis is the poem in SNTC S2 and it is not a good one 2.4 P: c4 M9 W) k
But u can copy the way how she ranges the poem, b* I  }# t% s  H/ `# W

7 _* J) Q& I2 w3 Y+ T- H: n& }9 w( }2 D% |5 t
His hello is the end of her endings" E. O: w  u% H3 o/ N) n: C, J# K3 A
Her laugh is their first step down  the aisle
* ?8 T- l" D! ]* w' _+ j: X; HHis hand would be hers to hold forever
0 c  Q" p5 U' `" q+ JHis forever is simply as her smile . T5 i9 V* p3 D4 `# i
He said she was what was missing
8 R, q/ D9 i+ L3 V! j) F' [; [$ ]She said instantly she knew
: f/ v" O/ z0 N7 r' YShe was a question to be answered
! y1 H# b* S$ y/ @And his answer is
5 J8 E; G1 n4 ~: j1 fI do
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 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-24 14:37 | 显示全部楼层
Rain bow, you are so right. You improved it , and now it is much better. Seems you also like poems. that is good and wish to keep in touch with each other. Merry Xmas0 {3 e5 X5 [1 n2 L, J

5 Y0 j- E% O8 i& t) BBelow is my new one, any comment?
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 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-24 14:38 | 显示全部楼层
It’s amazing how I felt6 g# }0 n# N; K" f3 |

2 o2 w1 U; A7 _) L" m! t& RIt's amazing how I felt 7 d6 O* j8 ~; o, K/ X' \/ ^3 H* g
when I was with you
# P+ Y2 ^; b/ r! E9 z" l1 W9 i6 SMy heart beat so fast" d; |2 B& V4 Z. [' F" D
I looked at you and thought, t/ X0 S5 O; i% ?, d0 X% ]
Holy Jesus, you were so cute
5 a, M$ Q9 k9 z3 t. L& {: Q$ D1 L6 E. v6 B# ^5 b
You left me without a word# c6 x5 g" S1 Q: G# J; P# B
I have nothing except my emptiness
1 n% d7 i9 [& l, {My mood is like a cloud2 ?* N, h% A2 R6 P5 u6 U  l
How could it be dispersed?
& m2 D. l7 P9 K
) ^/ ~7 N* x4 IFeelings bite my heart 9 B; {6 L( M, k
You are the right one I wait7 x6 ~, m9 \( o# ~' r
In the depth of my soul
4 U: P" x# v3 j6 ^) K/ x& rI will love you till I'm dead
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发表于 2008-12-24 15:24 | 显示全部楼层
同言同羽 置业良晨
闻一多怎么说来着,诗歌有音乐美,建筑美,绘画美/ _: z  i+ ?! r& K% u( ]) f2 u/ \9 T
你的就是白花文,而且很多英文的用法根本不地道
6 W. B! S7 `# i: k4 |: K就和用中文写一次
/ M$ _3 B' ?- I) E# F( q阿,我爱你  P2 t$ h0 C7 M
你让我心跳好快3 ^* l) U4 T* @+ n
你让我脸发热2 n5 d) c0 u/ U  ~2 l7 G5 a* Y9 U" h* {
我爱上你的大嘴唇8 w: b! l$ \* C' o2 d2 q9 o
XXXXX: v4 H8 j& v1 r7 A. y
不知道你能不能受得了这样的中文呢?
" T( h, P" d6 F* {
; c: D* e+ W! Z" s1 W; U4 r如果你写得如此白话文的话,不如向你喜欢的女子写封LOVE LETTER
1 O" P0 E' g/ ]6 k8 K7 y至于,你最缺乏的意境,强烈要求你参考我给你贴的诗歌, 看看别人怎么用最白话的文字,写出有绘画美,建筑美和音乐美的东西
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发表于 2008-12-24 15:31 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
楼主的湿,绝对要赞一个,那叫做雷死人不要钱!强就一个字!!!!
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 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-24 16:03 | 显示全部楼层
原帖由 therainbow 于 2008-12-24 15:24 发表 , d/ l& ^  e. l( a
闻一多怎么说来着,诗歌有音乐美,建筑美,绘画美* H% i, y2 {  Y( p: R, v
你的就是白花文,而且很多英文的用法根本不地道
  o. h/ {/ A" e3 {. h0 H: |就和用中文写一次3 p+ K1 g! X2 C) z- B- E# T- A
阿,我爱你
4 b" M. j  s$ k" b你让我心跳好快  u% H5 F' e) n- m1 G- N% ?- v
你让我脸发热
4 E8 g' Y+ q! h( r: e" Y& i我爱上你的大嘴唇
' w: z( y& f7 yXXXXX" X8 s. s$ P, j+ \, i& R
不知道你能不能受得了这样的 ...
% o- W& b# I8 s  T7 i) u

6 Q* e' q$ Y/ K5 C靠, 你要是不爱女人的厚嘴唇和性感的身体的话, 难道你会爱女人的脚趾头和胳胳窝不成?
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发表于 2008-12-25 00:13 | 显示全部楼层
恩,我无语了
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发表于 2008-12-25 07:37 | 显示全部楼层
同言同羽 置业良晨
这也叫诗,勇气大大的.
鲜花(1115) 鸡蛋(0)
发表于 2008-12-25 12:22 | 显示全部楼层
Match the following Song! Casablanca.
3 ~% h7 `: B* r8 y7 c4 d* e5 }
大型搬家
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发表于 2008-12-25 16:55 | 显示全部楼层
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发表于 2008-12-31 02:08 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
码字能连句,转行也成诗。。。
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