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我今天刚写的英文诗, 高手给提提意见

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鲜花(0) 鸡蛋(0)
发表于 2008-12-21 12:21 | 显示全部楼层 |阅读模式
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
Falling in love' a9 ], q3 s: _, h' n

3 }! Z* w  `' W, N0 oI fell in love with you 2 Z1 a' u" N, _% C2 b  |
At the first week we met, m6 @- z, r; y3 u, h

9 f4 ]  x! {2 D0 y. T% z* K4 XYou have charm, you have looks
- f/ G; _8 {3 f4 nwith full of pimples in face7 e% [+ K0 G# d; G  F% C" y
As spotting sky at a summer night
$ @$ u( A8 H; _$ F: e7 VThey are shining stars- g; @/ M. `. T# o0 U+ K3 R

3 q2 q4 A6 e' n! n- {% m; ~Your lip is so big
0 ^5 Y! A9 N* j3 ^, [* fAnd that’s good for a kiss
: q) a8 Z  ^: n$ E/ hYour body is chubby* s) v6 K& l/ g3 x8 u1 ^) T$ T
And that is good for sex
8 A4 h. q7 Z% C
- N5 c' t$ F9 P( r% gI was deeply in love+ |( e+ j$ R; R& Y8 a
Everything from you is positive& D& C& g- q- v( Z' V7 `
You blame me everything and everyday
% E& @& G* m2 s+ E4 sAnd I think all girls sound like
& U  o& X' x5 S9 R# L, }- i7 p% k0 y4 d6 \# [8 O& m% j  t
You could not stand my eating% ~+ [" |; q" Y& a3 `' F
Saying no good for making funny sound- s( e( d6 s4 O& s: w+ a
I think you are perfectly right
% h$ A$ ~2 ~4 Z% ^Eating with sound is a pig
/ f* g  k& d. b+ h% P& A8 e: Y; W
I fell in love with you
' u  N9 d4 N+ D6 g3 k' p: r, Y0 zBecome a fool to think- E0 }6 w7 V3 T/ f- U2 ]( n
All trouble things you did
0 F0 o$ b( H4 R; W0 P# a0 n) xAnd that is the price for love
2 G8 q* \+ a7 q) W
% A* _& G. V- E$ x, eyou are deeply in love9 @3 N" Q* B: w# U* X" u& ~
Everything from me is negative. P+ R0 ]. {* U% g( T4 F0 z% N
"My man should be like this,  |: Y: k; i& \- [* ~' O0 ?7 `
and I am helping you to improve'  `% _; B( D& O3 I7 f0 m: J

8 o( D5 G) L+ g+ q9 nYou are loving me
4 h4 S( ~; Z9 Xor that one in your mind?- f! Q+ l- @! D7 E
My mind is like a mud, g8 T0 n( S" Y
can be shaped whatever you want
: b/ p6 d1 ~; Y5 ^+ ?0 M5 y/ I9 t# n2 U+ @% i( K
unfortunalety not my heart. Z, E( t# r7 d, |3 o6 \- a
It is slashed by you + z! f8 ]% K+ J1 ~( q/ N
and I am seriously hurt! Y/ b1 l3 b! E6 b
$ O; y& W% E1 ^  g
I will never love another ) }/ D0 k) g2 s! m* `- p0 L
If my heart can be fixed
鲜花(657) 鸡蛋(3)
发表于 2008-12-21 19:53 | 显示全部楼层
my english is so poor, can't understand your meaning.
鲜花(0) 鸡蛋(0)
发表于 2008-12-21 19:57 | 显示全部楼层
这个,能不能叫情人眼里出西施,连小痘痘都升级作STAR了=。=
鲜花(40) 鸡蛋(1)
发表于 2008-12-21 20:46 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队 追求完美
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 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-22 17:44 | 显示全部楼层
原帖由 冰山上的来客 于 2008-12-21 19:53 发表 / j% ^9 P. @. s9 O/ d3 }
my english is so poor, can't understand your meaning.
3 \0 _$ J; V7 L7 s5 M  \
- F; G) Y  d% M' h3 g  _' ]
咱可是请高手指点, 你都不明白, 我看就算了吧
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发表于 2008-12-22 18:06 | 显示全部楼层
配上卡萨布兰卡的旋律就可以唱了,呵呵
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 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-22 21:34 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
楼上, 卡萨布兰卡的歌好听吗?
理袁律师事务所
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发表于 2008-12-23 19:24 | 显示全部楼层

楼主的诗很雷人

强!强!强!SEX!SEX!SEX!
% V" @. V2 |. s. F8 D9 C+ c不过像我这种对中文诗都没有什么研究的人,对贵作就更不敢胡言乱语啦!顶一下。
鲜花(0) 鸡蛋(0)
发表于 2008-12-24 07:04 | 显示全部楼层
sweeite,
' m" P3 J, Q6 R# O- _4 h* Q1 ~i am sorry to say that ur poem sucks.5 K) G+ Z0 l; Q0 g
And this is something I change. Whatever left r too sucky to be changed4 s, T! U1 V+ F, [

0 |0 R  P: {* Q* k0 ?& S7 dwith the charm,% v4 j6 Z" J" a8 M, i3 ?& k! w
with the simles.7 a0 O. u( d& o. ~+ q) a- t% }
I fell in love with you ! o4 [4 ]1 S: K7 r3 F1 _) G, J
In the first sign.
/ q3 K- c2 W( n4 ZAs spotting sky at a summer , X0 z1 G  }7 u/ W9 V! c
+ |, W# B0 m! v9 s
Your lip is so soft " P; e2 |5 s$ A; b0 m: G
there is not honey can sweeter than ur kiss
$ W$ n+ k6 R! {. N# S, gYour body is so sexy
0 R4 C: Z) L) _" w" ]' ZAnd I cannt image the moment I  touch u.
9 r/ z- M9 f- ~
" r! e& \/ _/ @' g! k7 qI am deeply in love7 \( q" t* v$ C% D3 u- s
Everything from you is so charming; [, N$ b, P& `" {
although You r so picky for me
2 D; ?# s, b4 x% |And I take them as ur buttefly feelings.
鲜花(0) 鸡蛋(0)
发表于 2008-12-24 07:16 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
THis is the poem in SNTC S2 and it is not a good one 2.! M- o. _8 |& @7 n) n# ]
But u can copy the way how she ranges the poem- g/ r) C6 t. n  r

$ \. G! j! z2 f* Y7 f9 @
$ m4 h& ?! T+ t1 G4 MHis hello is the end of her endings
; A! L: U5 q( O5 w' s( nHer laugh is their first step down  the aisle
' Z( _8 s5 H2 U" @4 r( e' nHis hand would be hers to hold forever* d( R( I: T2 n
His forever is simply as her smile
1 e' R. `0 A* q' O" T) P6 _7 XHe said she was what was missing
! t/ F; L$ y/ V6 w( V" s/ [+ QShe said instantly she knew
( j5 w9 C& C& R5 c; j; EShe was a question to be answered
: k* X+ A7 o  b+ u* C" U/ q: _And his answer is 7 t/ v& A6 z; b3 X" d* b
I do
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 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-24 14:37 | 显示全部楼层
Rain bow, you are so right. You improved it , and now it is much better. Seems you also like poems. that is good and wish to keep in touch with each other. Merry Xmas3 I' w1 c6 h4 u1 ?; w( ]0 {
; a( E- c% x: V6 ^& I, y) ~. y# D4 T5 z
Below is my new one, any comment?
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 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-24 14:38 | 显示全部楼层
It’s amazing how I felt4 M0 R( I# \% B1 ?

0 R, Z2 O4 M- s8 |& t; vIt's amazing how I felt
8 R- g; Y4 }% O( Hwhen I was with you* \0 I; G4 B$ }- [
My heart beat so fast( R- w* \1 f9 @! W: b) a( E
I looked at you and thought8 U, f3 {. ]! p  A% D3 ?
Holy Jesus, you were so cute, R8 @& w$ H' B2 J, J, a$ n
2 a6 n% K; B3 N
You left me without a word
2 ~$ j( S% y# g1 l# p3 y# yI have nothing except my emptiness6 z0 P$ q% t" a6 c/ Q1 M- E
My mood is like a cloud
' j' S/ Q" ]* o* g& `# HHow could it be dispersed?
( _3 s' @, @# q& c- O1 ?/ f. w  b% G2 V1 f/ W+ @; h( u# j
Feelings bite my heart
: n0 \: t0 X' {' k4 b, GYou are the right one I wait* k2 L9 N5 t; Q: \/ d
In the depth of my soul
1 a% J* B) s0 X$ b) ]I will love you till I'm dead
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发表于 2008-12-24 15:24 | 显示全部楼层
同言同羽 置业良晨
闻一多怎么说来着,诗歌有音乐美,建筑美,绘画美
2 H$ U5 C2 W" a% x$ A你的就是白花文,而且很多英文的用法根本不地道
! D$ v) }# V" |# @3 b就和用中文写一次% h8 ?' P) ~9 q2 _
阿,我爱你
. u. h/ U+ p: ^" {你让我心跳好快
! B8 @0 R0 j- }你让我脸发热* K  k+ y# p" c: I5 Y
我爱上你的大嘴唇4 o5 n# `2 C3 b! m
XXXXX3 g5 T8 k# u% h, p1 {( @2 S
不知道你能不能受得了这样的中文呢?  f6 f( ^5 `; |& U, \, ?: M- ?

0 ]1 l5 G5 }( [如果你写得如此白话文的话,不如向你喜欢的女子写封LOVE LETTER2 t; B1 W! j. x/ j( E. {
至于,你最缺乏的意境,强烈要求你参考我给你贴的诗歌, 看看别人怎么用最白话的文字,写出有绘画美,建筑美和音乐美的东西
鲜花(4) 鸡蛋(0)
发表于 2008-12-24 15:31 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
楼主的湿,绝对要赞一个,那叫做雷死人不要钱!强就一个字!!!!
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 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-24 16:03 | 显示全部楼层
原帖由 therainbow 于 2008-12-24 15:24 发表
% s" G$ W3 ~' }  J) ~4 U* W闻一多怎么说来着,诗歌有音乐美,建筑美,绘画美7 z5 D/ O: c; W! X* G1 b
你的就是白花文,而且很多英文的用法根本不地道" v$ X" ]9 H) V+ b& n
就和用中文写一次
6 [/ X- a9 P. |- d6 ]5 Z, E阿,我爱你, o* j- c; {2 k4 A
你让我心跳好快; U1 ?+ u, j% o6 ]
你让我脸发热0 S  v% @- n3 M$ Z: M/ H4 |
我爱上你的大嘴唇: j  {' x+ V- F- C- H; Y7 q
XXXXX
3 o- c' C9 J# Q& r+ u! |不知道你能不能受得了这样的 ...
" `0 g5 A$ `4 P  K" @" ~1 f

0 r$ L; u. T* M% Y8 c3 R靠, 你要是不爱女人的厚嘴唇和性感的身体的话, 难道你会爱女人的脚趾头和胳胳窝不成?
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发表于 2008-12-25 00:13 | 显示全部楼层
恩,我无语了
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发表于 2008-12-25 07:37 | 显示全部楼层
同言同羽 置业良晨
这也叫诗,勇气大大的.
鲜花(1115) 鸡蛋(0)
发表于 2008-12-25 12:22 | 显示全部楼层
Match the following Song! Casablanca.. i$ x4 v, u2 I" J5 A" U1 f
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发表于 2008-12-25 16:55 | 显示全部楼层
鲜花(120) 鸡蛋(0)
发表于 2008-12-31 02:08 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
码字能连句,转行也成诗。。。
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