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我今天刚写的英文诗, 高手给提提意见

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发表于 2008-12-21 12:21 | 显示全部楼层 |阅读模式
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
Falling in love, B/ a6 h) c8 q3 p

4 g* L# L3 \/ O! P* pI fell in love with you - e. ~& d  `2 I$ |4 _0 h7 @; X
At the first week we met; e3 o- T) \% Y; p
$ S# I2 e0 r* `
You have charm, you have looks! ^# N% m0 x* D+ T. {
with full of pimples in face
0 ?2 z% X  m3 l4 _4 _! G) |3 VAs spotting sky at a summer night0 `! ~3 m6 k2 `9 Q3 X& \* G
They are shining stars3 N; I! H9 i6 w- e/ E
* y) ~, J1 \) k/ M# N" ~/ F6 D
Your lip is so big7 _9 a! H- ^* r. N, S7 u; i; g8 D) B
And that’s good for a kiss# x+ p! D# ]3 c) @9 Q6 J8 [' k/ H
Your body is chubby
- H& @9 _  X( U; |: q; SAnd that is good for sex/ W; f  D: N6 g8 `7 P: P' V9 x

* i- |) X/ p! I' _I was deeply in love3 l8 P' C0 ~1 Y  a. D7 b! I
Everything from you is positive
/ f9 `3 Y5 B) Z& K6 mYou blame me everything and everyday8 [8 j3 t* ^9 q( K
And I think all girls sound like) O" K" m  K& F% b' o2 N

. G6 \( o4 D+ W: b+ K5 `3 XYou could not stand my eating. G9 x$ }' X, L
Saying no good for making funny sound
) J1 t! M2 M  r* p- ]2 nI think you are perfectly right
8 z5 f% J0 R3 ]6 N3 b7 JEating with sound is a pig
. [4 N2 U$ W1 G( h% F4 Y6 {( w6 m' _6 {0 O1 `
I fell in love with you
4 `6 R) U& {/ gBecome a fool to think  ]( S: \: e1 L& t- a
All trouble things you did: s5 W2 Q5 j8 {% N4 d* ^. ~5 V+ Y
And that is the price for love5 q- ]  W4 \3 x, J7 A

- x1 }/ Z6 O: y9 r1 @you are deeply in love
) }% ~( N( e9 s% h1 eEverything from me is negative; t, r4 L/ C( M
"My man should be like this,' T0 E8 F% {: Z+ P  a- ^* I
and I am helping you to improve'( K( Z# z) F1 h  k4 O

8 U% o  W  o  Y# X& C) JYou are loving me , j  V: c+ {& e6 Y9 F3 K
or that one in your mind?
! C. N% C4 @0 U7 D) EMy mind is like a mud
: \" v6 ^" @! P& Kcan be shaped whatever you want
  v2 t3 U( u" ]% X, s: s7 y) [* Y; s) F$ w5 l, ]" u; W
unfortunalety not my heart
9 F* T, `! V7 x. `& Z8 z6 |It is slashed by you
; i# k  q1 X: u! q# D& B6 [and I am seriously hurt
1 W7 u$ `; Z3 ?" }: N# h; R4 K. |# E
, u, r6 e2 A4 q! D5 w) [4 V+ M' X2 t7 cI will never love another , r9 W9 D7 k5 W
If my heart can be fixed
鲜花(657) 鸡蛋(3)
发表于 2008-12-21 19:53 | 显示全部楼层
my english is so poor, can't understand your meaning.
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发表于 2008-12-21 19:57 | 显示全部楼层
这个,能不能叫情人眼里出西施,连小痘痘都升级作STAR了=。=
鲜花(40) 鸡蛋(1)
发表于 2008-12-21 20:46 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队 追求完美
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 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-22 17:44 | 显示全部楼层
原帖由 冰山上的来客 于 2008-12-21 19:53 发表
( U5 P9 I' k+ \# f- |. \; Rmy english is so poor, can't understand your meaning.

6 L. ~: e" V, C) F4 q1 V" y1 P7 n3 ^5 S- G' ?, l0 b
咱可是请高手指点, 你都不明白, 我看就算了吧
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发表于 2008-12-22 18:06 | 显示全部楼层
配上卡萨布兰卡的旋律就可以唱了,呵呵
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 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-22 21:34 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
楼上, 卡萨布兰卡的歌好听吗?
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发表于 2008-12-23 19:24 | 显示全部楼层

楼主的诗很雷人

强!强!强!SEX!SEX!SEX!3 \" C% t. L% X# x# ]! ~' D" [
不过像我这种对中文诗都没有什么研究的人,对贵作就更不敢胡言乱语啦!顶一下。
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发表于 2008-12-24 07:04 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
sweeite,
* `* Z. v! ?. X$ Ei am sorry to say that ur poem sucks.8 I8 `/ S  |% v! I4 ^9 [* B8 G; q
And this is something I change. Whatever left r too sucky to be changed6 n* i- C6 U( g% {- D( O0 b; K( @
; v2 b( \$ k% J! x9 m# S1 w7 V9 m- g6 z
with the charm,1 Y' @" N7 l% G4 `: m8 ?
with the simles.
3 J- m# \+ @( G6 EI fell in love with you
2 \. R, I& b9 d# U  K/ dIn the first sign.
" N  e, w- O: m8 o0 \4 G( }As spotting sky at a summer
) c: v  v2 ~, j7 c2 W
' {% `! q' ?/ C* p1 `; QYour lip is so soft
; T! U) M9 Y( T2 K5 [( S; S# Wthere is not honey can sweeter than ur kiss' [, @( e/ a& T
Your body is so sexy
- F: B; m! u% I; t8 RAnd I cannt image the moment I  touch u.3 L: B# o- H) w; r( S) _

/ T8 I7 _; ?' \7 L5 }6 l0 ?I am deeply in love1 N) x, _, F( W0 ^1 Q8 \* {/ q/ z1 I
Everything from you is so charming
* E9 _  j2 F$ x& ^# galthough You r so picky for me
/ f! |4 M3 ]4 LAnd I take them as ur buttefly feelings.
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发表于 2008-12-24 07:16 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
THis is the poem in SNTC S2 and it is not a good one 2.7 s/ Z0 D* i' v! h3 ^" v
But u can copy the way how she ranges the poem6 ?$ w* c0 |9 f
) I- r4 n9 ]8 o4 f* T
' s7 ^% ]/ I/ v4 P6 o* U
His hello is the end of her endings# {1 I: J1 j" x$ F8 B
Her laugh is their first step down  the aisle+ P5 A: {. C3 P' V# j  O
His hand would be hers to hold forever4 I$ `9 ~) Z5 b8 f! U" I- @0 x: [
His forever is simply as her smile
; D- N0 Y- V0 ^3 FHe said she was what was missing7 I$ Z5 H# q1 l/ o. m  A
She said instantly she knew' o- Y3 }" o) L7 W
She was a question to be answered: b% \9 U0 f: ?. p
And his answer is 7 j/ e" z4 v' v
I do
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 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-24 14:37 | 显示全部楼层
Rain bow, you are so right. You improved it , and now it is much better. Seems you also like poems. that is good and wish to keep in touch with each other. Merry Xmas$ _7 G- }* R( n" R7 l

  m0 k. n* S) s5 tBelow is my new one, any comment?
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 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-24 14:38 | 显示全部楼层
It’s amazing how I felt5 R& l  U, g' }3 U* i* |
" G5 \2 V' Z, M  G/ z
It's amazing how I felt + |) T; T! I# N; Z' O
when I was with you! O0 R3 ~& X" @, [) |5 Y0 D4 s
My heart beat so fast
2 S. M1 W/ G' ~& A6 II looked at you and thought* r% f7 H' J1 m# q
Holy Jesus, you were so cute0 F% I8 f- s5 B) j

1 |% Y$ c. m% |! P% r% ~9 m  bYou left me without a word5 v  U% ]0 e# A; M$ x
I have nothing except my emptiness
$ m6 h; \6 ]5 ^9 I6 L: b; h5 A( l, sMy mood is like a cloud
" {" s" ]3 ]$ h' mHow could it be dispersed?
% V" t1 N0 X" x+ I  |* E# r4 G( u' {# T! r1 B" g# @/ ]
Feelings bite my heart
/ m7 u4 a: Z6 ]$ V2 U8 ZYou are the right one I wait
" s/ r: R8 j: S, UIn the depth of my soul
2 J* l& Z* M( `- Z1 g! U4 SI will love you till I'm dead
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发表于 2008-12-24 15:24 | 显示全部楼层
同言同羽 置业良晨
闻一多怎么说来着,诗歌有音乐美,建筑美,绘画美
4 U( F' T6 _, d# D8 L0 \: b5 c你的就是白花文,而且很多英文的用法根本不地道7 U( r- W; W: n/ P! L. p' D
就和用中文写一次
2 T7 v9 {1 u" \0 |  j! y阿,我爱你7 E) a) {6 T+ b% V0 y/ d8 }! U
你让我心跳好快
& b. L+ \4 M# @% p$ c2 C1 v* q你让我脸发热
8 S: m2 S* |! b我爱上你的大嘴唇( w3 L$ _3 J. J1 O  t
XXXXX1 T! [  n( q+ e: S, e/ K2 u+ m
不知道你能不能受得了这样的中文呢?
6 x7 V" ]: y9 @5 G
* T3 v* Z- e/ A如果你写得如此白话文的话,不如向你喜欢的女子写封LOVE LETTER
' W  ?% E% P' i% a  l/ u至于,你最缺乏的意境,强烈要求你参考我给你贴的诗歌, 看看别人怎么用最白话的文字,写出有绘画美,建筑美和音乐美的东西
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发表于 2008-12-24 15:31 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
楼主的湿,绝对要赞一个,那叫做雷死人不要钱!强就一个字!!!!
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 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-24 16:03 | 显示全部楼层
原帖由 therainbow 于 2008-12-24 15:24 发表 5 N) u6 g& c# ?+ U- X4 Y
闻一多怎么说来着,诗歌有音乐美,建筑美,绘画美+ M9 x4 ^. }0 u/ r8 w
你的就是白花文,而且很多英文的用法根本不地道: P& O* d5 Q, E( M" W6 U
就和用中文写一次$ D* m% h5 w9 R/ c! R/ E
阿,我爱你
  O7 {4 `# k4 @' X& L$ L你让我心跳好快
" ~1 I! e4 [1 z7 q- F9 t4 N, F& z你让我脸发热
3 L$ }' J, K' O3 J9 b6 _我爱上你的大嘴唇) i! b( Z. v' K
XXXXX/ d: x  F! w6 V% s& }4 X
不知道你能不能受得了这样的 ...

# j0 x1 U& Q' S  i- W6 Q* |4 G/ \& `* k+ ?! ^0 T2 g
靠, 你要是不爱女人的厚嘴唇和性感的身体的话, 难道你会爱女人的脚趾头和胳胳窝不成?
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发表于 2008-12-25 00:13 | 显示全部楼层
恩,我无语了
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发表于 2008-12-25 07:37 | 显示全部楼层
同言同羽 置业良晨
这也叫诗,勇气大大的.
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发表于 2008-12-25 12:22 | 显示全部楼层
Match the following Song! Casablanca.
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发表于 2008-12-25 16:55 | 显示全部楼层
鲜花(120) 鸡蛋(0)
发表于 2008-12-31 02:08 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
码字能连句,转行也成诗。。。
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