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<慢慢地想起你>的试译

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鲜花(16) 鸡蛋(2)
发表于 2008-1-30 21:56 | 显示全部楼层 |阅读模式
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
有人发起了翻译竞赛,重在参与.想和大家磋商,所以先抛砖引玉,把一个不成熟的翻译先贴出来,过几天也许还改一改.翻译有意译和直译,由于不太懂英文的诗歌写作,又想保留原文意思,所以就直译了,
8 x% o# U$ [- m* `% W2 L,.清晨,急匆匆的走过安静的街道。Early morning I am walking by the quiet street in a hurry.  
: |/ u" d; }( J; W" X) P零星树叶的飘落,松鼠开始了忙碌。Partial leaves fall down everywhere, squirrels are busily running . 8 ]; s( t- P) G6 f  \' s1 A+ Q
现在的我,一如一年前的那个我。同名同姓。The current I, the same as one year, the same given name , and the same family name.
4 m3 b& m' @- j" E$ b9 T0 q1 W梳相同的发型,背同样的背囊,不苟言笑。The same hairstyle, the same bag, reserved laughing and talking.: c& G" m* W1 |: u1 V! T+ x
眉眼间却似乎多了什麽,又少了什麽。Seemingly added something in my eyes, or lack something.0 e, S, `5 j$ @/ P& p$ ]# p
夏天过得那麽快,我几乎遗忘了那些个汗津津的夜晚。Summer went so fast, I almost forgot those sweating night.. u/ ^, [0 `7 b1 y5 m, F2 z
猫儿们在炎热的时候常常彻夜在窗外乘凉,追逐打闹。Cats were often playing the whole hot night outside windows to get cool.
3 g# D1 X0 K2 z- b* a! Y5 y就像多年以前的我们,似乎也是如此天真的肆无忌惮。Like us many years ago, mindless self indulgence.
9 f2 p# n: D* D9 B4 U3 g我常常在入秋的时候怀念夏天,I often cherish the memory of the summer  and those people that make me riant even I am in a very bad state of mind when the autumn is coming以及4 w) b$ o+ J$ W
那些在最烦躁时想起也会微笑的人们。4 @  g1 @' b3 i
世情缘无非是梦 The emotion and the carma only is a dream.$ {: o  \3 A+ y. J- I  h0 F; f3 @
昨夜温存不该的相逢 That shouldn`t happen to meet each other last tenderly night.* k% S3 A2 c8 P( I0 ?& X
想要忘记又不忍放弃 I want to forget it but can`t bear to give it up.
. u; ]' w/ s! I8 |* k1 Z8 u# _最怕爱上像你这样冷漠又温柔的人I am afraid of loving the person like you who is inhospitality and also mild. ' y( W* ^' N' `
寂寞世界谁来靠近 In this lonely world whom I can step inside love?* \. o: k0 ~  M& Q! o+ Y/ ^
醉过之後身边冷清清intoxicated then feel cold.% E: n  P& k1 g, F
迷路的心没方向的云The labyrinthine heart is like the cloud with no direction.
  I: x( p7 g1 ~/ @7 T最怕拥有这样似有若无的感情I am afraid of most having the emotion that seems to have but not really have.
; Z& I- C$ E' Z* D" q多情人都把灵魂给了谁 The amorous men to whom you gave your soul?
" v* u: l: G* @4 H" |Why I am always hoodwinked!为何眼楮总是蒙了灰'     ….
0 e# O: L1 a, u2 A  D) @# s1 r: ^多少次小心翼翼告诉自己I have told to myself many times cautiously
. ~/ ?! M/ m& s3 r: \. C/ P4 ^不要坠入痴情的轮回 Don`t fall into the spoony whirligig.
' ~# w* V# y" t! [% T2 z多情人总让伤给灌醉The amorous women always get drunk by desolation,
9 ?/ c% W1 n. g为何潇洒一点都不会Why can`t I take it easy?
6 {8 J' y" u3 b, Z) W5 h多少爱恩恩怨怨换来今生How endless tears that got in return for kindness and enmity!, D0 Q( P  l1 w
永难平息的泪" ^. X6 ?3 {( q" w7 G
每当夜深人静时,When the quiet night comes
% f  G: p2 C) G~我的眼前常常会泛起你的身影。Your figure usually appears in front of my eyes." M) f, C  c$ e: [. D
当你看到我时的那一声问候The greeting when you met me mad my heart in touched unaccountably.
$ {' K* v# W7 k$ b让我的心里感到一种莫名的心动,6 y( L! _3 l4 [/ n. Z0 V& a% _
你的yours of a smile, a gesture and a piece of words genialize my current disconsolate heart and soul
6 r/ c% i: m; L$ Z' R# S一抹微笑;0 h; w- h# f! z; ^" m
一个手势;
0 j, [3 T1 C. a. F& P/ g一片话语,) v- @* j& W" T3 f& B  v0 N
愉悦著此时我惆怅的心灵、& E! O) y# R) G% ^! t+ ?( I
明亮著我漆黑的角落,The moon lights the dark corner9 `8 G5 i' _* b+ Z# `
心里总能感觉到点点温馨。I feel a bit of cozy.
/ D. E$ ^# l3 e1 u0 _/ C  F这一瞬的爱恋,The deeply attached to you in a twinkling( W5 t: U5 x$ z  Y6 d. E
也许是一生一世的最亮点。maybe is the most light spot in my whole life..% D; C9 y" z" Y( \! ~6 ^
起初,对你的出现,I didn`t cherish your appearance at first,
7 @/ n4 ~" K- l$ T6 h  M, `, [) ?我并不以为然。
3 P! t/ z7 K8 d! {4 [可随著时间的流失,but accompanying with the time passed 2 V1 w9 b. B# c" p5 j- R+ M
慢慢的不知不觉中,I am bounded slowly and unconsciously by the emotion .
0 K; Z. a$ K. f被一种情绪所左右,
5 A2 }7 z8 d2 e# E! C7 Z总感到一种难 以名状的朦胧的喜悦。 always feel joyful indistinctly and nondescriptly .
6 J: I; c2 N  P7 G% ?即不问你是否喜欢我,Without asking you if you like me and if I like you
6 n: z0 ]) {3 V+ Y; q也不问我是否喜欢你,0 K) j& J0 i6 e# B* \
对你的存在只感到亲切,only feel gracious for your existing.
# L8 I0 {8 w/ I# L只希望能为你做点什麽。 only want to do something for you
& X+ o7 ~: Z7 ~' j# k3每次有意无意的遇到你,every time when I meet you
" k: N- m$ ^0 m# l" w% R心中都泛起丝丝柔柔的喜悦。The sweet joyous heart isn`t tranquil
( [  z" Y  @0 u* I  J8 y. T& W2 {然而我真真切切地知道,but I really know your figure only become a kind of atmosphere ) Y! q  p" n$ E  `% j7 Y* Z6 O* @6 ?
你的身影已化成一种氛围,
& i% r! C3 L  E) Z记在我的心间。That lives in my heart.2 S/ h- q& ~, j7 {4 J. e" W
你知道吗?Do you know your name can suddenly come into my mind at anytime!
: ?0 Q  Y5 H9 C2 t8 j随时随地我的脑海里会突然涌现你的名字
* x6 j5 d0 u2 I) n/ V哪怕你某个转身时飞扬的衣角even only your flying clothes corner when you turn aroud,% O. e/ P$ B  |" ?% n+ ^
一种声音,and your voice  y9 y- [0 R6 T1 i4 b( M; I/ C
也让我柔柔的有了心痛make me gently distraught with happy feeling.
# z/ \$ S$ M$ w- M掺杂著幸福的感觉。( a6 B) O5 R9 N
与你相识的那一幕幕,the scene that meet and know you prinkle in my heart like the snow on the land
3 }$ A) \3 g4 N8 z" T0 [( [1 C象雪花般撒落在我的心田,0 S2 h4 h- T/ U8 z
倾刻间,suddenly flurry that all are the love to you.
! M) s) o; u3 V8 b纷纷扬扬开来──全部都是对你的爱恋。0 D7 R# d3 i7 a7 U: a
你知道吗?Do you know that is happy there is a person who is worth to miss
) w! h* n- M5 K* N) z有一个能够让思念的人,
: }1 g& V/ `+ G7 O其实也是一种幸福。" J% h6 C* `6 r& S  b1 F
尤其是在这样的日子,especially on the day, the gentle sea wind and the sweet summer. ) \( {+ \1 d5 r8 d( Z4 P
柔柔的海风,
4 f4 j, B! i8 ?" _8 X; I! O, f9 q甜甜的夏天。
# e/ `/ z* ~( ^8 {2 B+ o$ u一扫那一缕如烟如缈的忧郁,Sweeping out the smoke and indistinct gloomy
# c! P7 i2 @9 A( q! q1 e只是静静地等待你的身影,only waiting for you quietly.2 j5 m0 k4 |( h
仅仅让你知道有那麽一个人,Just let you know that there is a person who wants to have the same love knot and the desire as you do.
6 q% V: p2 u; g3 d7 d: t1 h6 `+ t想和你有共同的情结,
/ u. Q% K2 X1 M) m) y共同的心愿。# T* m1 p, {$ t/ U4 E. j, D

$ `" A2 s! ^  v6 x# w/ E, u
% f2 P2 W5 l  ^2 W- ?, A# M好想与你在细雨中漫步,I really want to ramble in the small rain with you
. v- A* D4 |1 J* Y一同感受著春雨的洒脱,and to enjoy the rain washing together9 w) D3 O& N3 C  G
或是赶著看一场电影;or rush to a film ( i* w3 R. {3 Y0 |; @, b! [
或是静静地聆听一首曲子,or listen to a music quietly.
' }$ W; Y) T5 V4 A1 V9 i『多情人都把灵魂给了谁』whom did you the amorous person give your soul to ?& R0 {5 I$ K1 h
我们相拥旋舞,然後双目相视。We embrace and dance and then gaze to each other,
& `# `+ o: a- U# A" U3 u" ^5 v浅浅一笑,smile or gently kiss then say “ I really love you”
2 M; {" E  S' }6 J: k4 k. ^或是轻轻的一吻,
" l! Z, c$ A( S6 L再对你说∶『我真的好喜欢你』
& O3 s  t; N* n! x6 y* u. L6 {就足够了. That is enough.
7 n, s8 }2 C2 }; b9 A- U' ]+ O这也许是千年前就悄悄播下的种子,Maybe this is the seed that planted a thousand years ago! 4 y5 q/ [" c8 c
终於在这漫长的季节里深深地植下了根,finely it deeply rooted into the earth in this season and sprout.: p" z% |+ B; R* R+ Y
萌出了芽,3 @" L. H- ]8 e" D' t$ n- V
一如对你的思念,the same as my missing( ^# o) o. h! Y3 H5 m; O
浅浅地泛著那一点点新绿。It comes a little bit of verdure.8 \" ]& @5 Q! u, w$ s
如果,如果有一天,If , if some day I can touch of your hand2 G8 x9 L0 c7 N
能够牵著你的手,
9 }# T$ y9 W+ m1 _$ Q9 z那麽,我愿把全部的眷恋都放到你手心里,then I will put all my attachment on your hands/I will be sentimentally attached to you completely.
/ c# p1 d" r* M3 J/ f4 K( i" f' D; L让你细细地触摸,Let you touch me slowly and read me carefully. 8 t* l. A# @7 n8 G1 M; t7 h, X) [# k+ @
慢慢地细读,0 u. y7 Z: N- |+ Y3 o/ R1 l5 ?" h
我将用整个心去感觉你手里脉脉的温柔。I will enjoy your mild emotion though your hands with my heart and soul.
) B3 G) E' Q! q在你对我伸出手的那一瞬,At the moment you reach out your hands to me 3 h  ]+ X8 M2 D5 B2 z( ~+ q
我就拥有了世界上所有的关怀与热忱,then I will have all care and ardor 3 S. ?! \. j8 z& B+ @
就让我牵一次你的手,好吗?Let us walk arm in arm , OK?
鲜花(16) 鸡蛋(2)
 楼主| 发表于 2008-1-31 23:18 | 显示全部楼层
有几个地方要纠正一下:9 C! P2 q% t4 ~" _9 e
现在的我,一如一年前的那个我。同名同姓。The current I, the same as one year, the same given name , and the same family name.改为:as one year ago* @/ S/ ]2 [( c) U( `; [) j4 L+ n+ i
眉眼间却似乎多了什麽,又少了什麽。Seemingly added something in my eyes, or lack something.# V8 s0 d8 n8 A0 p6 R7 t
change to:lacked
# h; A  @" l7 Y7 A9 h+ {1 {猫儿们在炎热的时候常常彻夜在窗外乘凉,追逐打闹。Cats were often playing the whole hot night outside windows to get cool.
3 g! I; s, V: \! dCats often played at the whole hot night.- r( t0 b+ X% H9 O' X# q
我常常在入秋的时候怀念夏天,I often cherish the memory of the summer  and those people that make me riant even I am in a very bad state of mind when the autumn is coming以及1 |5 W1 M7 @' Y3 D( r1 m% V
改为:I often cherish the memory happened in summer.) D4 J5 k# `' ^) U. w1 U
I will enjoy your mild emotion though your hands with my heart and soul. ; b/ d% z% n: E. u+ c3 ^) n$ P# p
该为:throughyour hands.7 d+ r8 l* q. U' S
还没检查完,下一次再改.
鲜花(634) 鸡蛋(5)
发表于 2008-1-31 23:51 | 显示全部楼层
挺好!就是我觉得斑竹选的这个题目不太好
鲜花(35) 鸡蛋(0)
发表于 2008-2-1 00:06 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队 追求完美
太直。意境没有了。
2 A& V/ f& E1 J) ]2 w" k不过,LZ精神可嘉。也说是是试译。还是佩服。* T4 y% J* G* Z6 t: d
至少比我强。
2 `3 r$ J" {' L0 n  _3 v9 G偶是没有水平中译英嘀。指手划脚是最容易嘀....
+ D$ `$ h+ z- e& d4 a5 T- t
* Y' s+ G8 ?: b* Y1 o这首中文的散文诗在原文的第一段我还喜欢。淡淡的,清新的。2 }" e! N  k- Q5 [: A: [
后面每段也还好,就是拼在一起太牵强。感觉每段都眼熟。有点腻味了。
大型搬家
鲜花(16) 鸡蛋(2)
 楼主| 发表于 2008-2-2 22:00 | 显示全部楼层
我也在考虑怎么能把意境给译出来,那就得意译了,而且还要按照英文诗歌要求.如果是这样,我又担心不是这首原诗了.
6 s! H, a9 P9 H& H+ U谢谢三思的鲜花.
鲜花(16) 鸡蛋(2)
 楼主| 发表于 2008-2-3 00:26 | 显示全部楼层
每当说一句汉语的时候,我总在心里想英语是怎么说的.尤其看到汉语诗歌的时候,我突然想,翻译成英语还能保留原来的意思吗?所以试着译一译.
+ q. o$ R* X) k前边发了译文以后才发现有些大小写和语法错误.一点一点地改,很乱.所以再重新发一便:
# z: B5 [  A/ m, |; D- v! A2 aEarly morning I am walking by the quiet street in a hurry.
4 Z' C1 b4 [$ J  W1 hPartial leaves fall down everywhere,squirrels are busily running.4 y' \$ b6 _+ b9 A! Y. }
Current I, the same as one tear ago, the same given name, and the same family name.8 W5 H/ F; R. c; b" l6 H! D! s& n
The same hairstyle,the same bag,reserved laughing and talking.3 q; B$ L8 O  [5 u
Seemly added something in my eyes,or lacked something.
' M0 T, K8 ]  x6 k7 USummer went so fast that I almost forgot those sweating night:, I- p- p+ x% j. q+ r4 P
Cats often played at the whole hot night outside windows to get cool ; `$ ?- B. |8 H6 ?/ z
like us many years ago,mindless self indulgence.9 T: B, d1 f; Q' f# u+ c8 V/ k
I often cherish the memory happened in summer and those people that make me  raint even I am in a very bad state of mind when the autumn is coming.5 l7 a) C. k, U2 ]
The emotion and the carma only is a dream.
. C$ N: `) W/ a4 D/ F3 I2 u* VThat shoudn`t happen to meet each other last tenderlt night.
( }, t3 ~$ W. v# k& Y2 lI want to forget it but can`t bear to give it up.
: a0 C- I" l+ a' f* [+ p* YI am afraid of loving the person like you who is inhospitality and also mild.9 t6 g/ y7 v5 T! ~
In this lonely world whom I can step inside love to?
' M: G2 P' z( e" U! _& _0 KIntoxicated then feel cold,
1 t0 C* i  F$ x1 O8 M( b* Tthe labyrinthine heart is like the cloud with no direction.7 |3 _' Q2 a# |
I am afraid of most having the emotion that seems to have but not really have.( S8 }; ~0 T- [) x; m/ y
The amorous man to whom you gave your soul?
, S: j+ E5 @2 _! ~" Q6 c& H! YWhy I am always hoodwinked!8 _6 g3 o" ^3 S" X2 R
I have told myself many times cautiously 5 M  o8 `- C! R$ f" o/ S
don`t fall into the spoony whirligig." `: F% Z/ G. H
The amorous women always get drunk by desolation.
# I( E, L3 H8 n3 j' R! tWhy can`t I take it easy?
+ l, R" w6 D: \0 _6 B: {How endless tears that got in return for kindness and enmity!
0 P% W3 `+ s# }8 C8 d" X0 kWhen the quiet night comes. v+ I" n' }! E+ X7 w
your figure usually appears in front of my eyes.
" A5 U7 l: q; p8 X( V1 rThe greeting when you met me made my heart in touched unaccountably.
+ b. Z% Z# d7 ?8 UYours of a smile, a gesture and a piece of words genialize my current disconsolate heart and soul,
) k- ~4 o6 K" H' Blight the dark corner in my mind.7 n2 C9 ~8 O2 H0 c( s! S8 P0 p
I feel a bit of cozy.1 `9 x+ N5 w* u2 U/ y' t
The deep attached to you in a twinkling/ ]! ~4 P, C5 s1 }2 ?% v
maybe is the most light spot in my whole life.
" m' \' n. R- H1 a  dI didn`t cherish your appearance at first,
. E3 i  H% D' h% [! Ibut accompanying with the time passed
* g+ t2 G# B' Q; N- t2 n5 Y* ZI am bounded slowly and unconsciously by the emotion,# A, u0 o4 a0 e! ]
always feel joyful indistinctly and nondescriptly.8 U' |+ L, |6 Q/ b9 p9 v: |5 G* v
Without asking if you like me or if I like you# n% U. b9 F+ d- c  l) n/ n
only feel gracious for your existing,& d1 }, S# E' u8 e! F! n
onlt want to do something for you., N8 v8 A, |9 ~8 ?0 S7 \) A" r1 c- i
Every time when you meet me
6 ~. c' y' d/ n5 j# f# J2 Othe sweet joyous heart isn`t tranquil,
4 t4 a' F# h! i/ _1 |! A, kbut I really know your figure only become a kind of atmosphere4 t# U, i. f0 H# E5 g
That live in my heart.
- E: G+ x- w2 ?Do you know your name can suddenly come into mu mind at anytime?3 e7 [4 Q/ |% a9 g% C
Even only your flying clothes` corner when you turn around, and your voice/ S- @; a, H, I9 I2 A
make me gently distraught with happy feeling.
' ?5 }( \0 f3 o' p/ IThe scene that met you prinkle in my heart like snow on the land
3 p- l1 b# T; T  a9 W: F$ Xsuddenly flurry that all are the love to you.
+ i* c* [% I0 z  e0 DDo you know that is happy there is a person who is worth to miss,
; i' n  ]& E; w9 R4 }especially on the day, the gentle sea breeze and the sweet summer.
3 m; G- l. u. N" }Sweeping out the smoke and indistinct gloomy
/ x4 Z& M& C, h( {2 ~only waiting for you quietly' {7 G1 s/ @' W8 @5 R' v
just let you know that there is a person who wants to have the same love knot and the desire as you do.+ G) V$ a$ R' Y8 C8 L
I really want to ramble in the small rain with you , K/ [% r* i# N' i1 H6 K9 y! @
and enjoy the rain washing together, e0 O- C' F: M) X8 o0 I6 J9 X
or rush to a film
( L7 C# H8 X2 |. R6 b# G  m9 zor listen to a music quietly.0 P6 X* s6 d% p: j
Whom did you the amorous person give your soul to ?
2 i' }- _. M, a; K% x* AIf we embrace ,dance,and gaze to each other,
$ j0 P& a+ U" ~' G1 s. qsmile or gently kiss then say: I really love you"./ f/ F( k7 G8 K* f7 T* I2 M
That is enough.
3 h$ l" c* R8 l7 k# vMaybe this is the seed that planted a thousand years ago,
3 Z5 S+ F/ M! X& V, _( Ifinely it deeply rooted into the earth in the season and sprout,: E) V; {, J' h7 {
the same as my missing.
$ K- ~2 t; A9 a6 \7 OIt comes a little bit of verdure.
% u$ t& a, a+ VIf, If some day I can touch your hand, 0 O& V4 c1 X# [( f, }  @9 r. K& `; }
then I will put all my attachment on your hands/I will be sentimentally attached to you completely.9 F% W- Q0 V# Q5 I( D
Let you touch me gently and read me carefully.2 }% u2 o; Y0 B- p( ]5 s' C. o/ d
I will enjoy your mild emotion through your hands with my heart and soul.& R0 G" k/ |8 p/ r! A5 V
At the moment you reach out your hands to me ,
# k+ j8 Z3 g' @- I5 ]/ h8 qthen I will have all care and ardor.
  G8 m" Y. B' Z9 P3 ~; Q7 y- Z" JShall we walk arm in arm?
) r4 }4 B! T5 H4 F5 W) Z呵,太晚了,连检查都不想检查一下,有没有打字错误了.
鲜花(16) 鸡蛋(2)
 楼主| 发表于 2008-2-3 00:28 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
费了这么多时间,希望能被加精.
鲜花(16) 鸡蛋(2)
 楼主| 发表于 2008-2-3 19:46 | 显示全部楼层
很想看一看其他朋友的翻译,学习学习,提高自己的英文水平.
鲜花(16) 鸡蛋(2)
 楼主| 发表于 2008-2-4 22:43 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
谢谢加精!
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发表于 2008-2-5 15:28 | 显示全部楼层

I like your poem, here comes mine.

老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
Glittering over the quite avenue when it appears first light.
, i/ P$ Y; {# R( v" W- [Leaves floating down to the ground; little squirrels bustling around.
  E6 H+ F* X9 D: A& p2 `I am still the same person of yesterday.  D" S4 ]8 @( @; K
Unchanged name, unchanged I.) v* S$ W2 `6 K7 _, p
Same messy hair, same shaggy bag.
8 P- _( l5 L! ^6 d, A$ B9 s2 E" eLaugh in the same laugh, talk in the same talk.
! L5 S& g- c% x" ^0 j9 aMore or less,: C4 j9 ^: [$ ^; y- z9 G9 V% O
a different glimpse sparkled in my eyes.
, v0 o1 d* t4 N, ~2 @9 C: u4 |9 ~. s$ T# q' S# E2 C; D, E
Summer easily slips away
" y% R% p2 W0 Y/ H5 v" iThose long lost hot nights4 L% d6 D; L* _& t$ v* |5 z
can only be found in the old days. + }. P. u3 i8 d

. b$ d, M6 _; K% oCats jumping over the window sills, % u* u8 u; L9 ^* s6 i
chasing around in the breeziness.
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发表于 2008-2-5 16:15 | 显示全部楼层
原帖由 Matrix 于 2008-2-5 15:28 发表
! `& k5 t6 m; X" @0 r7 }Glittering over the quite avenue when it appears first light.! t& y) i, X$ A3 O0 H: e+ c8 o. {
Leaves floating down to the ground; little squirrels bustling around.% P, n' J2 O4 H( W, B, ^( B; E
I am still the same person of yesterday.+ d0 H* p, n$ `( J$ T$ S$ ?
Unchanged name, unchange ...

$ @5 @4 v3 ?  p; i# Q
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发表于 2008-2-5 23:12 | 显示全部楼层
原帖由 Matrix 于 2008-2-5 15:28 发表 4 `/ k" c% k& R9 X( @% ?- W
Glittering over the quite avenue when it appears first light.
5 |$ J1 j9 p/ qLeaves floating down to the ground; little squirrels bustling around.
/ {- @/ i% n) B3 aI am still the same person of yesterday.
0 {$ [6 W+ T0 W# I+ hUnchanged name, unchange ...
8 @% G0 Q8 {# `
i like it.
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