WEEK AT THE GYM

小叶子

If you read this without laughing out-loud, there is something
0 F2 h+ B- f+ o" X% Gwrong with you. This is dedicated to everyone who ever attempted to get
6 i+ k: Y( F: Z( S: u9 P. Kinto a regular workout routine.
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& S# d6 z% f- G: I" T4 a7 A4 JDear Diary:
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For my fortieth birthday this year, my wife (the dear) purchased a
week of personal training at the local health club for me. Although I
0 ~& a0 K% z/ \0 v& Y4 @am still in great shape since playing on my college football team 25
years ago, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a
try. I called the club and made my reservation with a personal trainer
4 j' v) e' N4 Y- unamed Belinda, who identified herself as a 26 yr. old aerobics
instructor and model for athletic clothing and swimwear.

My wife seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started! The club
9 i7 f, a  C& e; ]9 p% }5 Lencouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress.
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MONDAY:

Started my day at 6 am. Tough to get out of bed, but it was well
  e' A3 l$ _# o! ?. c& bworth it when I arrived at the health club to find Belinda waiting for
: \# K% O2 M1 Z1 Bme. She was something of a Greek goddess-- with blonde hair, dancing
eyes and a dazzling white smile. Woo Hoo!!!!!

She took my pulse after 5 minutes on the treadmill. She was alarmed
$ c6 I) l5 A: J6 H$ K/ S5 h7 k% Fthat my pulse was so fast, but I attributed it to standing next to her
in her Lycra aerobics outfit. I enjoyed watching the skilful way in
1 B6 Y; r7 G* cwhich she conducted her aerobics class after my workout today.

Very inspiring, Belinda was encouraging as I did my sit-ups,
6 E- s: o, B% U" c6 N' nalthough my gut was already aching from holding it in the whole time she
5 A/ j! D/ x! G% b' N9 owas around.

* q$ J% L  @% L4 XThis is going to be a FANTASTIC week!!
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TUESDAY:
& n+ {) M! v1 O. u7 cI drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door.
' i) v2 @) @+ Y, O! A* }Belinda made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air,
' E+ }4 u+ D; Vand then she put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the
treadmill, but I made the full mile. Belinda's rewarding smile made it
all worthwhile.
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I feel GREAT!! It's a whole new life for me.

! w, c& C# M4 x2 v  v9 u# uWEDNESDAY:
6 E9 U" S0 ]! o, l1 K; r) |4 y4 RThe only way I can brush my teeth is by lying on the toothbrush on
+ u3 B1 d* ?( uthe counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have
/ u4 R4 |! P/ G( R; La hernia in both pectorals. Driving was okay as long as I didn't try to
steer or stop. Belinda was impatient with me, insisting that my screams
) X% P0 x2 |5 @bothered the other club members. Her voice is a little too perky for
early in the morning and when she scolds, she gets this nasally whine
; {3 H2 a' |% E( F+ kthat is VERY annoying. My chest hurts when I got on the treadmill, so
Belinda put me on the stair monster. Why the hell would anyone invent a
machine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by elevators? Belinda
* X" H; x9 x, otold me it would help me get in shape and enjoy life.
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She said some other shit too.
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THURSDAY:
Belinda was waiting for me with her vampire-like teeth exposed as
9 a3 w( o4 n6 y8 H( h  H7 C8 lher thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn't help
* h) H2 T  V4 O8 B& W0 n7 ~3 N: sbeing a half hour late; it took me that long to tie my shoes. Belinda
took me to workout with dumbbells. When she was not looking, I ran and
hid in the men's room.
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; \+ L" d# h/ r! \# e) mShe sent Lars to find me, then, as punishment, put me on the rowing
machine -- which I sank.
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1 }( ?. N- u0 ^FRIDAY:
I hate that bitch Belinda more than any human being has ever hated
7 x# f. F3 H. Z7 y# T- S0 Iany other human being in the history of the world. Stupid, skinny,
$ |, ?5 U' F! k: |( N5 S$ Ranemic little cheerleading bitch. If there were a part of my body I
could move without unbearable pain, I would beat her with it. Belinda
wanted me to work on my triceps. I don't have any triceps!

And if you don't want dents in the floor, don't hand me
the*&%#(#&** barbells or anything that weighs more than a sandwich.
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: z- N6 P# L( x5 I5 nThe treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and nutrition
$ u2 ]  L4 n, P( V$ f/ fteacher. Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like the drama coach
0 k6 @  N. d; z9 g9 C# l8 ror the choir director?
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SATURDAY:
Belinda left a message on my answering machine in her grating,
shrilly voice wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing her
% k4 S) ~% r3 @/ H2 ?made me want to smash the machine with my planner. However, I lacked the
; b3 j# `6 T9 A: H$ Lstrength to even use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven straight
hours of the Weather Channel.

SUNDAY:
I'm having the church van pick me up for services today so I can go
" x; [( |* Z* Pand thank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that next year,
- Y$ Y$ f/ Q. Amy wife (the other bitch), will choose a gift for me that is fun --like
/ Q$ B2 h; A/ g( F/ c' s; Sa root canal or a vasectomy!

OliveOil

You are absolutely wrong! But my stomach hurts because I can't laugh out loud in the office... oh good lord...

junglebell

Lazycat

lington

root canal, I almosted end up getting one last year. Thanks to the dentist.