WEEK AT THE GYM

小叶子

If you read this without laughing out-loud, there is something
. m; }% l( A4 s6 E1 Kwrong with you. This is dedicated to everyone who ever attempted to get
& C, \# L: V0 ginto a regular workout routine.
4 p: L& }/ O0 A3 H
+ [. J/ _$ f' F$ \3 r* ^Dear Diary:
& `; C# }4 y! {& v& W6 T: c; O
For my fortieth birthday this year, my wife (the dear) purchased a
# d) |) L2 M: H; C; T8 Z7 @week of personal training at the local health club for me. Although I
% ], h6 t7 R% @1 ?( ?2 [am still in great shape since playing on my college football team 25
" B' e8 f7 ~' ?2 }years ago, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a
try. I called the club and made my reservation with a personal trainer
+ T5 q- F, ~% x( I4 y1 `8 mnamed Belinda, who identified herself as a 26 yr. old aerobics
3 Y3 F/ U9 o, S4 Z2 N; linstructor and model for athletic clothing and swimwear.

My wife seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started! The club
encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress.

6 g" f, S" A8 m' |2 ^0 l1 s! cMONDAY:

Started my day at 6 am. Tough to get out of bed, but it was well
- q4 c9 z' p: p8 P: k+ Q: \6 }worth it when I arrived at the health club to find Belinda waiting for
  Y" @6 \! I: h# xme. She was something of a Greek goddess-- with blonde hair, dancing
) e/ N; y  d/ x8 c) t  m: A  x7 Z  Neyes and a dazzling white smile. Woo Hoo!!!!!
- n. i2 @' l- C" g
She took my pulse after 5 minutes on the treadmill. She was alarmed
; L2 j6 v. r; s$ r' M$ Mthat my pulse was so fast, but I attributed it to standing next to her
in her Lycra aerobics outfit. I enjoyed watching the skilful way in
which she conducted her aerobics class after my workout today.
, t2 `9 |9 X- _
& @6 I4 j# J  @- u* p7 q3 w2 Q% I- UVery inspiring, Belinda was encouraging as I did my sit-ups,
although my gut was already aching from holding it in the whole time she
was around.
/ O$ n: f; G& |3 M: Q; c
- r- B5 a% f' }) W" F& AThis is going to be a FANTASTIC week!!
/ R/ Z. J) ^- |6 h% x
TUESDAY:
I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door.
Belinda made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air,
and then she put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the
- L' b3 r6 ?7 M5 r8 U/ @. S( [$ Q1 ttreadmill, but I made the full mile. Belinda's rewarding smile made it
all worthwhile.
7 O* l9 M( ~7 e: m# u) g
I feel GREAT!! It's a whole new life for me.
2 _  u! c) V. R( I5 l
; u3 |9 i( l# J8 X$ L* P& M' D, oWEDNESDAY:
The only way I can brush my teeth is by lying on the toothbrush on
the counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have
* [$ z( ~3 G4 j$ O1 x' }7 \a hernia in both pectorals. Driving was okay as long as I didn't try to
& D+ b4 ?! G+ J) V  i5 vsteer or stop. Belinda was impatient with me, insisting that my screams
/ o) u0 d* ^9 W7 u% _$ P5 _bothered the other club members. Her voice is a little too perky for
$ r9 k# s* E; j: v# E# ~+ I5 y6 b$ X/ Eearly in the morning and when she scolds, she gets this nasally whine
that is VERY annoying. My chest hurts when I got on the treadmill, so
+ q- I- P  @( i' rBelinda put me on the stair monster. Why the hell would anyone invent a
machine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by elevators? Belinda
1 X& Z% e1 _# Y/ \/ gtold me it would help me get in shape and enjoy life.

. R0 o. {: ~$ t$ C- V2 k# `She said some other shit too.

' |  b. ~* e9 ^$ V* e" OTHURSDAY:
; }7 C& Y6 @6 \& |) P% q/ k% o1 wBelinda was waiting for me with her vampire-like teeth exposed as
: F; g9 R' w1 t6 ~) Xher thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn't help
% d0 L' S$ l4 ?+ i0 A* b+ C$ c! Tbeing a half hour late; it took me that long to tie my shoes. Belinda
( g5 H6 s# o- L: J" M1 Ytook me to workout with dumbbells. When she was not looking, I ran and
hid in the men's room.

- K7 t* O7 ^2 i% ~7 M- z- G8 ]She sent Lars to find me, then, as punishment, put me on the rowing
4 G( D! D: f( I- x6 K' i0 |machine -- which I sank.

" S  J" L7 T6 h. \* s+ zFRIDAY:
. Q/ ~: U0 a0 eI hate that bitch Belinda more than any human being has ever hated
! k) }( Y5 [5 `" Iany other human being in the history of the world. Stupid, skinny,
anemic little cheerleading bitch. If there were a part of my body I
could move without unbearable pain, I would beat her with it. Belinda
, f, {1 D8 W: M- B" ^& M1 Rwanted me to work on my triceps. I don't have any triceps!
8 R! o6 I1 F9 f) d
3 L3 y# m! R, n. p' P% ^And if you don't want dents in the floor, don't hand me
# @, i$ T( I: p1 |the*&%#(#&** barbells or anything that weighs more than a sandwich.
8 O; E" p- }2 h3 V! m
+ ?* y3 D! O9 t  PThe treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and nutrition
) _2 @  g, h- K( Q: Q+ \teacher. Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like the drama coach
( R) w% O4 |/ ^7 w+ lor the choir director?

3 d. o' c9 \1 T, |3 A" iSATURDAY:
, F% L/ ?9 T4 H! JBelinda left a message on my answering machine in her grating,
/ C9 E* N  S# t0 vshrilly voice wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing her
1 T; a! ]! e3 X1 amade me want to smash the machine with my planner. However, I lacked the
strength to even use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven straight
hours of the Weather Channel.

8 C2 c& z" w% y1 L; }8 g- mSUNDAY:
I'm having the church van pick me up for services today so I can go
and thank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that next year,
my wife (the other bitch), will choose a gift for me that is fun --like
a root canal or a vasectomy!

OliveOil

You are absolutely wrong! But my stomach hurts because I can't laugh out loud in the office... oh good lord...

junglebell

Lazycat

lington

root canal, I almosted end up getting one last year. Thanks to the dentist.