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If you read this without laughing out-loud, there is something/ x. [5 ~# s6 c$ w1 }
wrong with you. This is dedicated to everyone who ever attempted to get1 d) ~' u* N# v% h( G
into a regular workout routine.6 E: r( l* t( @, J4 O9 J
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Dear Diary:
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2 y" I# {5 p: iFor my fortieth birthday this year, my wife (the dear) purchased a$ Y6 f; A; S! F8 j& m
week of personal training at the local health club for me. Although I
" k5 X0 [7 D! W# Xam still in great shape since playing on my college football team 25! ^7 [$ y! V/ c
years ago, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a' K7 x' A7 Q/ h
try. I called the club and made my reservation with a personal trainer
0 K0 C- i( b- ~named Belinda, who identified herself as a 26 yr. old aerobics
8 H5 Q8 E1 I+ e; o. W0 rinstructor and model for athletic clothing and swimwear.% m$ r5 D( z1 K" R7 \, G6 ?
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My wife seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started! The club+ c( `9 N, ]; ~, a
encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress.+ z! D* O: e6 x) A! q7 P
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MONDAY:
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; Y C( y2 k+ q% VStarted my day at 6 am. Tough to get out of bed, but it was well
z5 @* x9 ?& N: z% G/ ]! `worth it when I arrived at the health club to find Belinda waiting for# @3 l' m }8 d. }1 U& \
me. She was something of a Greek goddess-- with blonde hair, dancing
3 x" @ S3 I% ~9 Y. R/ ?eyes and a dazzling white smile. Woo Hoo!!!!!
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, n: q& d# O" O$ sShe took my pulse after 5 minutes on the treadmill. She was alarmed( a7 x _' Z$ |5 S/ e
that my pulse was so fast, but I attributed it to standing next to her
) n! F! p6 r+ d6 r6 Din her Lycra aerobics outfit. I enjoyed watching the skilful way in. Z, U7 |4 `& e& ?
which she conducted her aerobics class after my workout today.0 K* n% h9 U- [0 W+ k+ g1 U3 c' {9 o
" n2 p7 c7 x# @" XVery inspiring, Belinda was encouraging as I did my sit-ups,. q# R2 f/ o2 z0 S- Z" D* b" h
although my gut was already aching from holding it in the whole time she7 l8 `/ t2 i, a$ [5 s7 p
was around.; m( c& J: f/ U" \: E6 @$ y: O* q& t
) X# U2 x2 R2 \" d+ N4 F5 hThis is going to be a FANTASTIC week!!
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4 P; ?/ G; X, Z/ F* \( e) M t! _TUESDAY:
5 p/ J3 l+ p8 v. q: S5 ^" MI drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door.% T+ k0 k/ o: `
Belinda made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air,
6 Y) R8 g/ w' y0 `- Mand then she put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the) b$ Z0 s' R+ ~" ~! V' F8 |3 _
treadmill, but I made the full mile. Belinda's rewarding smile made it
* W- Y0 o5 ]4 N5 Mall worthwhile.# y0 n1 y& V o
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I feel GREAT!! It's a whole new life for me.* @3 I- N3 o% O1 E4 M7 r
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WEDNESDAY:
& O6 e3 ]6 l \9 @0 `: TThe only way I can brush my teeth is by lying on the toothbrush on
* F- b1 s+ {. ]8 mthe counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have7 p9 U0 F+ L7 l" ~2 s+ U8 A2 Z
a hernia in both pectorals. Driving was okay as long as I didn't try to E1 R, Y7 S" U4 h. e
steer or stop. Belinda was impatient with me, insisting that my screams
6 _2 S2 T6 n$ Ibothered the other club members. Her voice is a little too perky for
& `. i' b* x9 R2 U7 `6 A8 Eearly in the morning and when she scolds, she gets this nasally whine
/ ]; ?9 ^2 |- d2 Mthat is VERY annoying. My chest hurts when I got on the treadmill, so7 W! s9 q- z o* j4 C
Belinda put me on the stair monster. Why the hell would anyone invent a
. w( b, G# C9 B; h1 y; d5 Imachine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by elevators? Belinda
+ j; X7 p( a5 a. @8 g ~told me it would help me get in shape and enjoy life.
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6 y9 R2 X; }- t0 ?+ r, r9 UShe said some other shit too.* t! f" H# g* Z j: S) k
2 t6 R( |7 C0 t6 }! |0 n3 R8 [THURSDAY:( b% a) x+ S4 s' v+ X- i2 Z3 x5 s
Belinda was waiting for me with her vampire-like teeth exposed as
; D) ?% C+ p' f9 E C" Iher thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn't help
# U- R$ R& L o0 x& ]8 F ?1 lbeing a half hour late; it took me that long to tie my shoes. Belinda
M" S+ i) E, Y' _2 `$ }( ctook me to workout with dumbbells. When she was not looking, I ran and% @$ L8 J$ u: f3 O
hid in the men's room.
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/ t1 A- l: R0 U4 GShe sent Lars to find me, then, as punishment, put me on the rowing
7 A) F5 L& `: |7 G8 R# {machine -- which I sank.
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) i) y; P |3 v! o. w) wFRIDAY:
5 c: v- `1 z W. k$ ^2 }I hate that bitch Belinda more than any human being has ever hated/ o! A5 N4 |; P+ S9 ?$ ?; ~
any other human being in the history of the world. Stupid, skinny,
9 m5 `! I9 b4 b+ m1 Ianemic little cheerleading bitch. If there were a part of my body I* U( Q7 B- q) P4 v' m
could move without unbearable pain, I would beat her with it. Belinda* j5 [% Q @+ ~3 j d: n9 [
wanted me to work on my triceps. I don't have any triceps!& @' N' k$ t! s, o9 R- ~# Y: b
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And if you don't want dents in the floor, don't hand me
1 `0 V& j+ ~) |! H* Vthe*&%#(#&** barbells or anything that weighs more than a sandwich.' v/ j- x* A/ R& A& t3 ]
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The treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and nutrition+ k. u9 T l) m/ W5 w+ n
teacher. Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like the drama coach* g1 Q, _" r2 N9 t; H- i# C, u
or the choir director?. Q6 b. S5 G, i1 B1 Q
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SATURDAY: f g- G: k# |1 n9 r/ ]
Belinda left a message on my answering machine in her grating,) H7 A7 B i; s! D8 a
shrilly voice wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing her
& q+ R' b: Y3 m: K0 v4 _- cmade me want to smash the machine with my planner. However, I lacked the
; [' X3 D/ B- I6 P) n( ustrength to even use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven straight
% F) a, ]) }+ J9 V+ G( s" V6 B; U! ~% s2 U* {hours of the Weather Channel.! G+ f/ {+ \) m- K3 l
- X. }( Z5 y3 ?5 e5 JSUNDAY:
/ `; g# _9 Z& v( ^I'm having the church van pick me up for services today so I can go/ i4 ~0 Z! j8 c# D1 C
and thank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that next year,
8 {3 E7 i2 b- N6 d, e0 ]2 H hmy wife (the other bitch), will choose a gift for me that is fun --like7 {# |5 P" c6 j$ G d
a root canal or a vasectomy! |
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狗仔卡
发表于 2008-1-22 12:49
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发表于 2008-1-22 13:23
