WEEK AT THE GYM

小叶子

If you read this without laughing out-loud, there is something
wrong with you. This is dedicated to everyone who ever attempted to get
! n8 _: ^* S  i- q: l3 Uinto a regular workout routine.

, I$ Z: v1 A4 b: p  g. N; }Dear Diary:

For my fortieth birthday this year, my wife (the dear) purchased a
( g/ x1 p6 N. t4 D2 E. @week of personal training at the local health club for me. Although I
: v  n! ^  O: [% \; }am still in great shape since playing on my college football team 25
years ago, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a
8 t4 G% {, M" y- k4 V5 ~try. I called the club and made my reservation with a personal trainer
named Belinda, who identified herself as a 26 yr. old aerobics
# x$ X( o/ ~. U0 j+ x2 k/ Jinstructor and model for athletic clothing and swimwear.

3 h2 r# t# z1 ?* `) tMy wife seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started! The club
encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress.

MONDAY:

: H8 q7 v% J( |2 z, \( ]/ E% [* EStarted my day at 6 am. Tough to get out of bed, but it was well
2 j  x& W) J' S1 {$ l5 S3 g8 O( C* Oworth it when I arrived at the health club to find Belinda waiting for
me. She was something of a Greek goddess-- with blonde hair, dancing
eyes and a dazzling white smile. Woo Hoo!!!!!
4 h' d$ E  [. q
; @5 n4 [4 p' B% \+ ZShe took my pulse after 5 minutes on the treadmill. She was alarmed
that my pulse was so fast, but I attributed it to standing next to her
in her Lycra aerobics outfit. I enjoyed watching the skilful way in
3 h8 ]9 C7 w7 C& u1 [  ywhich she conducted her aerobics class after my workout today.

Very inspiring, Belinda was encouraging as I did my sit-ups,
! `8 D6 H* O. r+ g- z, U7 R( Jalthough my gut was already aching from holding it in the whole time she
* V  S9 ]: s! K  l1 k' k6 v: f4 q+ W! }was around.

% k/ F1 ~; g8 t4 _  u/ xThis is going to be a FANTASTIC week!!

TUESDAY:
- [8 `+ `) L. Y0 P  x& Y8 B" W# rI drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door.
Belinda made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air,
and then she put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the
treadmill, but I made the full mile. Belinda's rewarding smile made it
5 ]4 O0 x2 Z) b2 Y) g1 oall worthwhile.
, h" W+ A2 U4 J# \
I feel GREAT!! It's a whole new life for me.
3 [& B9 C1 ~; H0 M0 \
WEDNESDAY:
The only way I can brush my teeth is by lying on the toothbrush on
the counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have
$ E" T6 u0 G! ~) La hernia in both pectorals. Driving was okay as long as I didn't try to
; t: i" Y( i5 {0 u, Y/ asteer or stop. Belinda was impatient with me, insisting that my screams
bothered the other club members. Her voice is a little too perky for
% V% J9 o# [% h. Oearly in the morning and when she scolds, she gets this nasally whine
that is VERY annoying. My chest hurts when I got on the treadmill, so
* n5 a$ V8 U; K( nBelinda put me on the stair monster. Why the hell would anyone invent a
0 \9 _: M' |/ k/ D! p* Rmachine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by elevators? Belinda
told me it would help me get in shape and enjoy life.

She said some other shit too.
' _1 A6 _7 R3 X8 s" g3 }6 x
: O  ^& p8 O0 D; k9 e. s+ ZTHURSDAY:
( s3 U$ g: J8 E4 j/ A1 B- QBelinda was waiting for me with her vampire-like teeth exposed as
5 B, w: e/ z. z/ Qher thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn't help
being a half hour late; it took me that long to tie my shoes. Belinda
4 A2 T' i4 E9 V0 Etook me to workout with dumbbells. When she was not looking, I ran and
: C3 {0 g% c( Z, |1 ?) Ehid in the men's room.
8 K# {  v9 Q5 O( y0 {% X" E& N% R! p4 Z
0 a* j+ n( Q* w5 e: _She sent Lars to find me, then, as punishment, put me on the rowing
+ F  v2 n, |: k7 V8 y' s% T/ w9 n; gmachine -- which I sank.

6 P9 }3 z+ O9 O4 uFRIDAY:
" R2 r2 ~5 g1 [0 R, GI hate that bitch Belinda more than any human being has ever hated
  Z1 B  [+ S' K# l/ {! N" ^' M: vany other human being in the history of the world. Stupid, skinny,
anemic little cheerleading bitch. If there were a part of my body I
! S1 z% ?" x. }  B2 ~) U) b" [could move without unbearable pain, I would beat her with it. Belinda
- b+ ^2 Q- b, W( Mwanted me to work on my triceps. I don't have any triceps!

And if you don't want dents in the floor, don't hand me
the*&%#(#&** barbells or anything that weighs more than a sandwich.
9 j/ F9 D/ G: |1 _
The treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and nutrition
teacher. Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like the drama coach
8 y' e8 z4 q1 B( `/ b% a6 yor the choir director?
+ I2 l' p! V3 H3 v2 |& Y
# r6 R" H8 O2 ]2 k. }0 ^9 G% oSATURDAY:
Belinda left a message on my answering machine in her grating,
shrilly voice wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing her
+ C; {6 W% {$ R# ymade me want to smash the machine with my planner. However, I lacked the
8 l- n$ }  }8 r; e: ^2 r8 \, astrength to even use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven straight
hours of the Weather Channel.
  Q2 y0 V8 d# t: I9 Q
SUNDAY:
4 p7 ^+ \& I( I6 L& r' ?; VI'm having the church van pick me up for services today so I can go
and thank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that next year,
my wife (the other bitch), will choose a gift for me that is fun --like
a root canal or a vasectomy!

OliveOil

You are absolutely wrong! But my stomach hurts because I can't laugh out loud in the office... oh good lord...

junglebell

Lazycat

lington

root canal, I almosted end up getting one last year. Thanks to the dentist.