WEEK AT THE GYM

小叶子

If you read this without laughing out-loud, there is something
wrong with you. This is dedicated to everyone who ever attempted to get
1 H" @* O- D8 ^- S6 L, jinto a regular workout routine.

; q3 I/ U) M& QDear Diary:
# Y1 X9 ]* x4 k5 R* Q3 z# w
For my fortieth birthday this year, my wife (the dear) purchased a
week of personal training at the local health club for me. Although I
am still in great shape since playing on my college football team 25
) p, q2 l0 V  o5 i# Zyears ago, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a
try. I called the club and made my reservation with a personal trainer
1 T' x' T. s% W$ znamed Belinda, who identified herself as a 26 yr. old aerobics
+ _7 [( v) V9 F& l: ^instructor and model for athletic clothing and swimwear.

1 L% n' i% O* p7 \  I3 eMy wife seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started! The club
" [% u8 d/ l& R- B! oencouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress.

: l% k! I/ Y) I- u. r) U5 }+ r1 @MONDAY:
7 v' w, v# B4 M( {0 O
" h2 ^8 z: s" J8 mStarted my day at 6 am. Tough to get out of bed, but it was well
8 a. E/ g( p# T8 gworth it when I arrived at the health club to find Belinda waiting for
$ E8 i' w. Z& nme. She was something of a Greek goddess-- with blonde hair, dancing
" d& Q& Z$ t# b) w( `) B1 }! oeyes and a dazzling white smile. Woo Hoo!!!!!
3 D2 ~; E9 k0 Y' _; e
3 Z- ]0 T# _& C+ ^( m. D$ OShe took my pulse after 5 minutes on the treadmill. She was alarmed
that my pulse was so fast, but I attributed it to standing next to her
in her Lycra aerobics outfit. I enjoyed watching the skilful way in
8 y0 t7 g7 N- N5 q$ g2 `& J' M; Bwhich she conducted her aerobics class after my workout today.

# C$ e# A6 O8 i: O" fVery inspiring, Belinda was encouraging as I did my sit-ups,
although my gut was already aching from holding it in the whole time she
  K3 S' ?! c- }5 uwas around.

8 r* P+ x+ L' t0 HThis is going to be a FANTASTIC week!!
- T, Q! z0 _9 d
+ {/ v( i- g( c* U. o0 ATUESDAY:
I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door.
* T# v6 a+ c: s8 ]7 KBelinda made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air,
and then she put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the
treadmill, but I made the full mile. Belinda's rewarding smile made it
all worthwhile.

& Y  Y2 z2 f( p1 S+ {6 bI feel GREAT!! It's a whole new life for me.
/ [+ @# }$ G4 V* H+ Z2 z! l
; U$ k" L; Y' D  S; {8 OWEDNESDAY:
The only way I can brush my teeth is by lying on the toothbrush on
the counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have
a hernia in both pectorals. Driving was okay as long as I didn't try to
steer or stop. Belinda was impatient with me, insisting that my screams
7 V$ G2 s2 R0 i% K% Sbothered the other club members. Her voice is a little too perky for
early in the morning and when she scolds, she gets this nasally whine
that is VERY annoying. My chest hurts when I got on the treadmill, so
5 _1 s$ v9 s3 _! @7 W, BBelinda put me on the stair monster. Why the hell would anyone invent a
2 K8 K3 a$ N- a, [5 B% gmachine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by elevators? Belinda
1 v* {* B  d. @2 H- r& \told me it would help me get in shape and enjoy life.
" _4 l7 U% k2 I* b# S; T
5 x1 p2 z+ a2 a" z: j( [/ o$ ^1 uShe said some other shit too.
  @0 m7 l* E# J0 Y! X
THURSDAY:
Belinda was waiting for me with her vampire-like teeth exposed as
7 q8 u- ^4 d0 x5 W- Y$ i* T& \her thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn't help
being a half hour late; it took me that long to tie my shoes. Belinda
took me to workout with dumbbells. When she was not looking, I ran and
8 [1 R3 s+ F- y3 Ghid in the men's room.

& D. U. U1 f* s# ?7 BShe sent Lars to find me, then, as punishment, put me on the rowing
1 @1 y+ S- @* _machine -- which I sank.
+ C. Y4 k4 c, Z9 l
% e$ A5 _+ g' PFRIDAY:
% J& m$ ?# ~# L, r. v. M( c$ q+ uI hate that bitch Belinda more than any human being has ever hated
: e. K6 V! ~0 c  Y! h( gany other human being in the history of the world. Stupid, skinny,
$ v+ j/ C& S0 w" sanemic little cheerleading bitch. If there were a part of my body I
0 {/ [& ^2 R2 I4 U2 K: F* ycould move without unbearable pain, I would beat her with it. Belinda
wanted me to work on my triceps. I don't have any triceps!
+ u* U/ B2 x3 s' p5 _0 ~2 q  e
5 ?$ \" v1 U: e9 I& hAnd if you don't want dents in the floor, don't hand me
! C% i7 O7 t# qthe*&%#(#&** barbells or anything that weighs more than a sandwich.
( ]: W% o1 u# C% Q' U
The treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and nutrition
teacher. Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like the drama coach
) R' X( W" n$ Sor the choir director?
2 L0 v1 c, \; _+ K1 Q
SATURDAY:
Belinda left a message on my answering machine in her grating,
" L7 }  }: D6 u6 ]7 Eshrilly voice wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing her
8 ]6 v; F9 I, \0 Dmade me want to smash the machine with my planner. However, I lacked the
strength to even use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven straight
hours of the Weather Channel.

% f; L$ c6 G  J) Y& F- WSUNDAY:
I'm having the church van pick me up for services today so I can go
8 f4 R9 Z2 J" a! ]. Mand thank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that next year,
' s& }* N* w4 a. B- Nmy wife (the other bitch), will choose a gift for me that is fun --like
* @9 m# s- a' Q) ^3 J4 l9 n$ Va root canal or a vasectomy!

OliveOil

You are absolutely wrong! But my stomach hurts because I can't laugh out loud in the office... oh good lord...

junglebell

Lazycat

lington

root canal, I almosted end up getting one last year. Thanks to the dentist.