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If you read this without laughing out-loud, there is something
g4 S X. `1 T$ i: O; wwrong with you. This is dedicated to everyone who ever attempted to get
# E$ Q( j: x8 g0 N0 U; p/ Jinto a regular workout routine.
2 M- r* w, `: Z ?* B4 {! Y+ V" l3 \# A# n Z
Dear Diary:
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0 F! s: ]5 |0 J# t! EFor my fortieth birthday this year, my wife (the dear) purchased a8 a: G& }+ F' [. q$ Z
week of personal training at the local health club for me. Although I" N( K7 f0 H/ ^8 S9 P
am still in great shape since playing on my college football team 25- o7 K2 s/ l! p* \" `. z
years ago, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a8 i) h0 A% e6 ?" i
try. I called the club and made my reservation with a personal trainer
! j4 S; |4 `! c8 Y! r* Z0 S! {named Belinda, who identified herself as a 26 yr. old aerobics
& ~& K. F7 l dinstructor and model for athletic clothing and swimwear.5 y+ h& Y2 @2 j) \% L. Y
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My wife seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started! The club
) x# i( U7 Z2 `1 A; ], a: bencouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress.
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7 n/ x0 O2 y, c3 FMONDAY:
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Started my day at 6 am. Tough to get out of bed, but it was well& k8 Y% K7 u, V$ W
worth it when I arrived at the health club to find Belinda waiting for, p9 J6 C" A' f& L3 M% a
me. She was something of a Greek goddess-- with blonde hair, dancing
# I. p3 L3 k* {) v Zeyes and a dazzling white smile. Woo Hoo!!!!!! X3 h N. o' T) f5 u
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She took my pulse after 5 minutes on the treadmill. She was alarmed5 }7 \" q" }# R$ x5 [
that my pulse was so fast, but I attributed it to standing next to her2 w q. e& Z% |" j
in her Lycra aerobics outfit. I enjoyed watching the skilful way in) J. b* n" Y2 ]# V
which she conducted her aerobics class after my workout today.
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+ D! W- H) i2 H6 IVery inspiring, Belinda was encouraging as I did my sit-ups,
7 @6 h T- n0 B: i/ y8 q2 w B$ jalthough my gut was already aching from holding it in the whole time she+ {# v' o; z2 l
was around.
# r9 E: h' U% S. L0 f2 ~6 X6 J
- x) w/ ]$ X7 I0 N/ LThis is going to be a FANTASTIC week!!# J" R) e+ m' c* c. A
/ j7 j( |- v3 b H8 y5 iTUESDAY:1 K" ]: ~- F, ^9 U! V2 J# a
I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door.
1 F X+ V7 A- }) {( [: L. c: Y/ HBelinda made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air,+ u; A7 b, J- r3 g
and then she put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the
{& D- N4 q, C; t3 ?7 ?treadmill, but I made the full mile. Belinda's rewarding smile made it( ?$ l4 r! r( |; {
all worthwhile.
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* A! ^$ M# y0 b5 M, `; E, w' K5 y2 yI feel GREAT!! It's a whole new life for me.! `/ W- Y: C. Z, C4 L/ M
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WEDNESDAY:
: r: f0 H5 t. X+ G- tThe only way I can brush my teeth is by lying on the toothbrush on1 `8 U4 `% k ^* z! u
the counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have
2 j0 S( c2 W* \. E, A0 S* va hernia in both pectorals. Driving was okay as long as I didn't try to
2 r3 O' b9 }1 |! L ssteer or stop. Belinda was impatient with me, insisting that my screams0 C l/ }1 T2 f
bothered the other club members. Her voice is a little too perky for: E7 E2 F2 y7 g8 J! C! K. O
early in the morning and when she scolds, she gets this nasally whine+ V0 ?. i( o& o7 V* X( W
that is VERY annoying. My chest hurts when I got on the treadmill, so
+ d6 L; m$ I0 G) \Belinda put me on the stair monster. Why the hell would anyone invent a
) T; S& N$ w) B: }- Imachine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by elevators? Belinda
2 T3 Y6 i0 _/ e2 M% mtold me it would help me get in shape and enjoy life.
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5 a4 j6 C& a# k& V+ gShe said some other shit too.
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THURSDAY:
7 |: W( L! h! \9 D0 B4 TBelinda was waiting for me with her vampire-like teeth exposed as
. s) ^) ~& ?0 P. G% `0 }' ~her thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn't help6 g7 `: S; M8 p- J
being a half hour late; it took me that long to tie my shoes. Belinda5 W$ E: o8 G% `! Y
took me to workout with dumbbells. When she was not looking, I ran and
! n' G/ I; H' p: `1 c: p* P+ Mhid in the men's room.9 R7 O2 C7 ?5 N
1 N+ g7 u& b2 f: x# i/ I1 z" L
She sent Lars to find me, then, as punishment, put me on the rowing
7 x& X3 _" i# a1 c2 Pmachine -- which I sank.) W* ?% u# {0 H
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FRIDAY:
& h; u& ~+ s% ~3 H/ ~I hate that bitch Belinda more than any human being has ever hated
1 e9 E) [4 m+ }7 S6 S2 A9 Cany other human being in the history of the world. Stupid, skinny,. i( ~& }! a" T6 B" ?' y
anemic little cheerleading bitch. If there were a part of my body I) h: x$ |5 W* |) u9 _; c
could move without unbearable pain, I would beat her with it. Belinda
1 P* x( ^1 X% lwanted me to work on my triceps. I don't have any triceps! r2 L0 J4 g% h5 c$ s
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And if you don't want dents in the floor, don't hand me
- ]) o2 O- ^1 K. P9 @7 S0 Othe*&%#(#&** barbells or anything that weighs more than a sandwich.$ V8 F/ v. B5 W
/ ?0 b7 Z2 p8 h4 u g; a- ]The treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and nutrition% y6 T Y5 ?# {) Z: b) j
teacher. Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like the drama coach
2 p( I$ Q# t* G/ X) uor the choir director?
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( o K1 b/ f& Q7 |SATURDAY:' j7 @' K- j- d) N2 T
Belinda left a message on my answering machine in her grating,
$ K! d# d$ U5 \$ Y$ K+ Bshrilly voice wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing her
. s3 l( I5 r& I: ?6 ]: Z8 dmade me want to smash the machine with my planner. However, I lacked the
, D8 `0 N0 H0 D, ^, W6 A! N( Ystrength to even use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven straight
5 u9 ?" {; \/ {4 n* yhours of the Weather Channel./ i9 q) Q% Q3 M! M: Q
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SUNDAY:- b$ r8 ~+ x- ]+ }
I'm having the church van pick me up for services today so I can go C! Q6 U t t0 ~) q5 U( K1 q; l
and thank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that next year,
2 U i, n; p: U5 M8 w, M, Bmy wife (the other bitch), will choose a gift for me that is fun --like
( z# {. [/ s& y; L/ Ja root canal or a vasectomy! |
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发表于 2008-1-22 12:49
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发表于 2008-1-22 13:23
