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If you read this without laughing out-loud, there is something
# A7 _7 z' U3 E" V) w" Zwrong with you. This is dedicated to everyone who ever attempted to get! N- f$ b( s$ l" o
into a regular workout routine.
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Dear Diary:
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1 o. {" t7 q- \' VFor my fortieth birthday this year, my wife (the dear) purchased a
0 |. ~, ]6 A4 Z9 N5 \7 k# yweek of personal training at the local health club for me. Although I4 ]! S6 Q2 e# `' p
am still in great shape since playing on my college football team 25
" X' O. {2 ?4 {: Jyears ago, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a
$ v" F M7 A' R) g5 a1 Z4 G; ftry. I called the club and made my reservation with a personal trainer
" ~* [0 q2 }2 `named Belinda, who identified herself as a 26 yr. old aerobics0 c9 {2 |8 t- b: [2 g7 i( c
instructor and model for athletic clothing and swimwear.$ Z. u w3 O1 c, w* [2 t% R
/ h3 h; T) y! ^! o% Q$ }" _My wife seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started! The club8 j+ G4 W, s# a. a6 ~
encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress.7 f+ B/ X; h0 q4 a) T5 {1 k- K; t- F3 h
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MONDAY:
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Started my day at 6 am. Tough to get out of bed, but it was well% |2 ` ~3 h [! a# u
worth it when I arrived at the health club to find Belinda waiting for
" J0 T. f( e/ tme. She was something of a Greek goddess-- with blonde hair, dancing; B0 B' g/ z5 l
eyes and a dazzling white smile. Woo Hoo!!!!!5 N) T& g6 z; x
W2 w3 R: A! w) O( I$ O! |" T
She took my pulse after 5 minutes on the treadmill. She was alarmed5 a/ {0 K. ~) n' a9 @5 [9 N0 R
that my pulse was so fast, but I attributed it to standing next to her! \* `+ x" e" D( ^
in her Lycra aerobics outfit. I enjoyed watching the skilful way in6 `, f+ |) f1 Q3 r, V
which she conducted her aerobics class after my workout today.! E: E1 T) q" U3 e
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Very inspiring, Belinda was encouraging as I did my sit-ups,
! v( G+ B6 W5 F' I: S( X' kalthough my gut was already aching from holding it in the whole time she! |' v) p9 k- s& N
was around.
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This is going to be a FANTASTIC week!!+ T1 p b! _2 t& z G3 t# s
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TUESDAY:" g( P8 k% r1 @" C! H
I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door.% y1 c/ x" p) J" ^9 ~
Belinda made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air,, D( ?) `, ` i
and then she put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the) u4 v' o' _) u4 `9 \
treadmill, but I made the full mile. Belinda's rewarding smile made it
( `% r- y5 W6 b6 ^/ Q: A1 dall worthwhile.
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I feel GREAT!! It's a whole new life for me.3 C' L5 }: d l- d5 |4 b1 Z
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WEDNESDAY:
, C3 ?9 S( U4 Z0 K8 {) j/ O( LThe only way I can brush my teeth is by lying on the toothbrush on
, f8 W/ D# x4 J8 Fthe counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have4 t( g" e+ Y4 g* ]/ ? G( o% R# N9 R
a hernia in both pectorals. Driving was okay as long as I didn't try to5 z1 d8 e& E3 h: u# o3 E- V
steer or stop. Belinda was impatient with me, insisting that my screams
4 t$ M) _5 H" N3 M/ ] xbothered the other club members. Her voice is a little too perky for
; v9 @. t( t* ?+ gearly in the morning and when she scolds, she gets this nasally whine; Y; q4 I9 R P1 {5 d: g4 R! Y
that is VERY annoying. My chest hurts when I got on the treadmill, so" H+ ], ?- X6 O8 N: s9 i: T
Belinda put me on the stair monster. Why the hell would anyone invent a
O1 J) b3 @: Y! R. ?, amachine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by elevators? Belinda
( b5 z) H# U; @' i, R2 ]3 W9 d- z+ Etold me it would help me get in shape and enjoy life.
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She said some other shit too.. L% ^; ?4 h* M- X" l: U9 O
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THURSDAY:1 v( e5 E; t5 ]" Y. V6 C- G$ D
Belinda was waiting for me with her vampire-like teeth exposed as' Z. D* M/ q) Z" h" ^
her thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn't help( s4 f! z4 @; @& n2 u
being a half hour late; it took me that long to tie my shoes. Belinda9 H8 m/ [0 z* ^; o0 x& W7 ^6 g
took me to workout with dumbbells. When she was not looking, I ran and( Y/ J) W2 o4 Q! a. b
hid in the men's room.% p, ~& V8 R( m/ M- l; z2 i8 R* q
% ]) D4 o0 G/ Z& F D2 z ^2 XShe sent Lars to find me, then, as punishment, put me on the rowing
! m2 n% g. [7 C. t ~) W, _ [machine -- which I sank.3 H( I7 R x5 c0 I5 ^3 y; ]( q) s
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FRIDAY:/ L/ } x% {& U: z4 Z
I hate that bitch Belinda more than any human being has ever hated0 G. V& x/ S r" X' Q. l
any other human being in the history of the world. Stupid, skinny,1 M; F' ~, S6 D8 C
anemic little cheerleading bitch. If there were a part of my body I
" p- {' D: ^4 l: E+ Vcould move without unbearable pain, I would beat her with it. Belinda( m+ ^+ k8 U1 l9 A' }! e$ S
wanted me to work on my triceps. I don't have any triceps!
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And if you don't want dents in the floor, don't hand me1 t2 q; w# w q" L6 d# u
the*&%#(#&** barbells or anything that weighs more than a sandwich.
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The treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and nutrition$ a. A5 P: k/ b0 t# B2 X B+ T1 J
teacher. Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like the drama coach. J/ @6 H5 ~% W' B9 T
or the choir director?$ W5 I c9 G' L& N
/ l; f! B- v: \2 L( t9 XSATURDAY:
* k" z3 \' H+ I B! m. FBelinda left a message on my answering machine in her grating,9 f1 a4 p3 l$ V1 u) P# v: B$ B
shrilly voice wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing her* u: A. L5 J8 ~. T: \1 ?7 s
made me want to smash the machine with my planner. However, I lacked the
% |' Z: O& J9 ^strength to even use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven straight
% \. a% j# ^! f; ghours of the Weather Channel.
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SUNDAY:% u* z- m1 |: Y& d( K; g( y' }2 A
I'm having the church van pick me up for services today so I can go5 D3 F6 u6 I/ i
and thank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that next year,2 [# {9 A* a/ L5 } n
my wife (the other bitch), will choose a gift for me that is fun --like- |6 ], K0 Q2 r+ X" d/ L Q7 h
a root canal or a vasectomy! |
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狗仔卡
发表于 2008-1-22 12:49
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显身卡
发表于 2008-1-22 13:23
