WEEK AT THE GYM

小叶子

If you read this without laughing out-loud, there is something
" K1 p+ d0 A) w7 C/ hwrong with you. This is dedicated to everyone who ever attempted to get
, h* t8 R5 [1 u3 H3 p2 \into a regular workout routine.
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4 Y6 y/ D. B7 G, P% K9 _- R  iDear Diary:

" w) D. I/ L% m- B0 Q$ H% I! w  `6 KFor my fortieth birthday this year, my wife (the dear) purchased a
week of personal training at the local health club for me. Although I
2 [+ y5 u! Q' Uam still in great shape since playing on my college football team 25
years ago, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a
3 J* s3 k6 J9 |) n) M1 k& Q  Stry. I called the club and made my reservation with a personal trainer
8 T7 d2 {" ]( C' o4 [+ fnamed Belinda, who identified herself as a 26 yr. old aerobics
0 E' B* U4 E9 ^7 b2 K# t/ b+ K8 Ninstructor and model for athletic clothing and swimwear.

My wife seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started! The club
encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress.
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- m3 M, |" o# V( a& I* ZMONDAY:

Started my day at 6 am. Tough to get out of bed, but it was well
worth it when I arrived at the health club to find Belinda waiting for
  L3 W/ N3 o! Y' I- x" z  f9 ?1 Eme. She was something of a Greek goddess-- with blonde hair, dancing
0 s0 i' B( Y8 Neyes and a dazzling white smile. Woo Hoo!!!!!
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She took my pulse after 5 minutes on the treadmill. She was alarmed
that my pulse was so fast, but I attributed it to standing next to her
$ b+ S# L7 b  R5 [& win her Lycra aerobics outfit. I enjoyed watching the skilful way in
4 G7 R; M' H$ C7 Wwhich she conducted her aerobics class after my workout today.

% F3 }9 \+ u) l9 c2 KVery inspiring, Belinda was encouraging as I did my sit-ups,
: L% M3 P6 C/ Galthough my gut was already aching from holding it in the whole time she
4 q, w7 E! k6 Z7 f4 ^0 Wwas around.

This is going to be a FANTASTIC week!!

& u( ~3 A0 `0 ^; K! `  yTUESDAY:
4 a4 v* W  j+ F1 e' r3 HI drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door.
Belinda made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air,
, z4 ]3 j' z! t1 k/ y% Pand then she put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the
# W$ y4 T7 l$ n. w  e" e* btreadmill, but I made the full mile. Belinda's rewarding smile made it
4 Q& M7 D8 a  A% fall worthwhile.
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. a2 W' ?& A$ n- g) t6 f0 OI feel GREAT!! It's a whole new life for me.
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3 S: H$ p& j5 V  |' SWEDNESDAY:
7 C- Q6 d  G/ Z; S" sThe only way I can brush my teeth is by lying on the toothbrush on
$ E. G1 E$ n- J+ \the counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have
a hernia in both pectorals. Driving was okay as long as I didn't try to
$ ~. Q+ l! T2 T0 Y7 u2 _steer or stop. Belinda was impatient with me, insisting that my screams
) A" N* o9 T- `" n8 P( ybothered the other club members. Her voice is a little too perky for
early in the morning and when she scolds, she gets this nasally whine
5 B- `: j% R6 {9 H/ c+ q9 Cthat is VERY annoying. My chest hurts when I got on the treadmill, so
Belinda put me on the stair monster. Why the hell would anyone invent a
, m+ g: ~6 p$ u! B  ]machine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by elevators? Belinda
% A" x' V( D9 T, P. S0 |# e1 [told me it would help me get in shape and enjoy life.

& Q; ]0 h' Z0 ]! @, XShe said some other shit too.
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THURSDAY:
4 U% x& v. q5 ^5 A9 e! vBelinda was waiting for me with her vampire-like teeth exposed as
her thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn't help
& R5 D; L8 [) y& cbeing a half hour late; it took me that long to tie my shoes. Belinda
took me to workout with dumbbells. When she was not looking, I ran and
5 n& p- g; t( J9 |$ P3 vhid in the men's room.

She sent Lars to find me, then, as punishment, put me on the rowing
machine -- which I sank.

- O" I3 B' b4 H/ MFRIDAY:
$ C$ m$ y  E$ \I hate that bitch Belinda more than any human being has ever hated
7 w: q7 J$ O/ M% Q; `" v4 Q- `any other human being in the history of the world. Stupid, skinny,
anemic little cheerleading bitch. If there were a part of my body I
$ m2 @& k) }3 J$ u8 E) I4 r8 h, |could move without unbearable pain, I would beat her with it. Belinda
wanted me to work on my triceps. I don't have any triceps!
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2 ^* {4 A' b+ L. c- ?. kAnd if you don't want dents in the floor, don't hand me
the*&%#(#&** barbells or anything that weighs more than a sandwich.
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- P* g( l" H8 r6 E, p+ [- wThe treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and nutrition
& V6 Y" U# @9 X$ mteacher. Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like the drama coach
4 D2 b" w$ M9 h! [& V, h* `& }& Cor the choir director?
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SATURDAY:
# o6 k5 [5 W' z1 Q8 jBelinda left a message on my answering machine in her grating,
shrilly voice wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing her
made me want to smash the machine with my planner. However, I lacked the
strength to even use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven straight
$ |! {, u5 w' \% Ehours of the Weather Channel.

SUNDAY:
I'm having the church van pick me up for services today so I can go
and thank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that next year,
my wife (the other bitch), will choose a gift for me that is fun --like
a root canal or a vasectomy!

OliveOil

You are absolutely wrong! But my stomach hurts because I can't laugh out loud in the office... oh good lord...

junglebell

Lazycat

lington

root canal, I almosted end up getting one last year. Thanks to the dentist.